The Money Tree and Other Mysteries

Disclaimer: Theirs. Or S6 would never have happened.

Genre: Humor

Summary: So how do things "work" in Stars Hollow? A series of one-shots answering the questions that plague me.

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One: The Money Tree

"I don't get it," declared Lorelai, thumping down her empty coffee mug, and forlornly staring into its shallows. "Luke can afford all those clothes, and sure, yeah, I bought them at a billion percent off, but they weren't free, and now suddenly Sookie's talking about having money saved for an inn, only when did she ever save money for anything but a new set of knives?"

"Oh dear," sighed Miss Patty, and patted her young friend's hand. She also sniffed the coffee mug for traces of alcohol. Finding none, she concluded honesty to be her best policy. "Come walk with me, honey."

"No," mumbled Lorelai with a rebellious pout, and dropped her head onto her arms. "Don't wanna. Ain't gonna."

"Don't care, and you will," barked Patty in her best dance-instructor voice, which was rather more intimidating than a four-star general and only slightly less demanding than a maniacal tyrant king of yore.

As if lifted by strings, Lorelai rose, shrugged into her coat and promptly slouched. A tap on her lower back from Miss Patty snapped her spine straight, though Lorelai's own dance lessons had chiefly been in such 1980s genres as "The White Person Wiggle" and "Head-Bouncing Jitters". Still, once subjected to a ballet teacher, a body never forgot, out of sheer terror if nothing else. Madame LaFleur had left many lasting impressions, typically with her wholly decorative and unnecessarily heavy cane, on generations of Hartford girls.

Once outside, in the brisk apple-tasting autumn air, Patty guided Lorelai along to the town square. "Let's walk off that pie," she said cheerfully.

"I didn't have pie."

"You will."

"Oh good, it's one of those talks," sighed Lorelai, shoving her hands into her coat pockets. Her curls bounced in the breeze, an odd contrast to her stony frown. "Look, I'm just saying, suddenly it hits me, nobody died, so where'd it all come from? I worked double shifts at the inn to make ends meet, let alone save money, and since I bought the house, it's coupons, discounts, second-hand, beg my parents for Chilton tuition, hello, money doesn't grow on trees, or my mother would have an orchard of them and…"

"Lorelai, dear, shut up."

Lorelai's mouth snapped shut. Patty's hand closed on her arm, as if the older woman required support.

"Now, I am violating some very strict rules here, but Taylor… Well, he's Taylor," said Patty sternly. "There is, in fact, a money tree."

Lorelai stopped short, and her heeled boots provided excellent traction against Patty's momentum. "Do I look like I fell off a turnip truck?"

"You look like you fell out of heaven, my angel," cooed Patty, inspiring Lorelai to an expression rather like Emily Gilmore smelling rotted roses. "Walk."

Teeth grinding audibly, Lorelai walked. "A money tree. Uh-huh. Tooth fairies, too?"

"You know about phone trees?"

"Sure, I'm on one for… Was on one… For Rory's school, for closings and things," replied Lorelai. "Person A calls a couple of people, and those two call two more people each, so now there's four people who each call two people, and…"

"Yes, good, exactly, well, the money tree, ah, well, it works in reverse."

They paced the perimeter of the square while Lorelai's mind did lightning-fast calculations, made associations, and achieved several obvious conclusions. Chief among them was that Patty truly did love an elaborate set-up for a joke.

"Okay, I'll bite," sighed Lorelai finally, as they turned onto one of the paths to the gazebo. "A money tree in reverse is a pyramid. As in, pyramid scheme. As in, lots of people put in money and the money all ends up at the top of the pyramid and none of it ever goes back where it came from."

Red-cheeked, Miss Patty conceded, "Well, yes, it does sort of work that way, but it's not what you think."

"Really? Sookie and Luke aren't buying buildings and conjuring up savings accounts?"

"No, they are, but…"

Her free hand demonstrating, Lorelai challenged sharply, "Look, I grew up around money, and I know the way it flows, and it mostly flows uphill, it's the opposite of sh..."

"It was their turn."

"…it was their turn?" echoed Lorelai lamely. "Turn to what?"

"Let's sit," suggested Miss Patty, and tugged her heavy fringed shawl closer around her shoulders. "In the gazebo."

Once at the gazebo, the two women settled onto its steps. Lorelai waited with a skeptical scowl. Patty said, "Kirk, go home."

Kirk slunk from the shrubbery. "Mother isn't expecting me yet."

"Then go somewhere else," ordered Patty firmly, and used her cane to point. "That way."

Shoulders slumped, Kirk trotted off in the indicated direction. Lorelai pitied Mrs. Kim, whose antique store lay in the path of the chaos known as Kirk, before she turned to Patty with a toss of her head. "Turn?"

"It's only for selected, uh, people. Who are known by the town elders to be putting the money back into Stars Hollow, real estate, businesses, that sort of thing. For example, if you want to expand a store, or turn an old building into a dance studio, or..."

"Or an inn or a diner or…"

"No, Luke sold the family house and that was how he got the seed money for the diner. But he's a reliable, established…"

"Oh!" exclaimed Lorelai, and tugged her skirt over her breeze-cooled knees. "People who'll never leave town."

"Basically, yes. Like Luke. Taylor. Kirk…" Miss Patty smiled weakly, and examined her fingernails for flaws in the perfect wine-red polish. "Of course, if you do leave, the money goes back where it came from, and passes to the person whose turn it is."

"Where's the money start?"

"You know, honey, nobody's sure. It's been part of Stars Hollow forever," shrugged Patty. "It's how Luke's father got the money to buy the store, and how Taylor's great-grandfather started whatever it was, and I'm sure it's how Mrs. Gleason paid to feed all those sons of hers other than Kirk, poor skinny thing."

Confused into submission, Lorelai pondered aloud, "How much…?"

"I think it's around a hundred thousand dollars."

Lorelai squeaked, eyes popping wide. "What?"

"And, ah, if you're established, like, ah, Luke or Taylor or Mrs. Kim or Andrew or Gypsy or…"

"I get it," interrupted Lorelai icily, rose, and stood with foot tapping. "Town-approved?"

"Essentially, yes, the town elders approve, and they arrange people's places on the money tree. You can pass up a turn, naturally, I did, once I started, I had enough, but Taylor, well, he's Taylor, and Kirk works hard even if he works…strangely…and…"

Looming over Patty, Lorelai bit out, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Cease! Desist! How many people are on this tree? There's nine thousand people in this town! I'm not a genius like Rory, but I'm still good at basic math, and where does all this money come from to start with?"

"Sweetie, if anyone knows, they're not telling. And I've tried to get them to talk."

Something in the way Patty said those words sent a shiver up Lorelai's spine.

"And like I said, it's not for something like a house, it has to be for the town's economy, sooo… You can apply to be on the tree, or the town fathers can agree to put you on it without application, or you can be, ah, nominated…" Flushed, Patty looked away, lost in some memory Lorelai did not want her to share. "Sookie's plans to open an inn, well, she was nominated, and her turn came up this year. Last year was Luke's. And the money comes from people who leave. Or die."

Lorelai paced away, and back, several times. "Hold on. So when Taylor goes off in a meeting about remembering the town in your will…"

"Yes, that's why."

"And if you leave?"

"Mia," said Patty promptly, heaved herself to her feet with a groan for knees that had danced their best long ago, and patted Lorelai's shoulder. "She put a hundred thousand into the money tree fund, when she sold the inn, although she didn't have to. She wanted to. And she nominated Sookie, I believe, but I'm not sure I can trust Tillie on that."

Lorelai's heart dropped into her feet. "She nominated Sookie," she repeated in a tiny wounded-bird voice. "Not me."

"Well, honey, of course not!"

Lorelai glanced down, before tears could be seen.

"If Tillie's telling the truth, and I'm not saying she is, Mia assumed you'd use it for Harvard. Which isn't in the rules for the money tree. It has to be a business venture. An economic contribution to the town as a whole. Now that I think about it," added Patty as she tugged Lorelai into movement, "maybe that's why the town has all those ridiculous fines and fees for walking on the grass, too many lights in a holiday display…" Humming, Miss Patty vanished into her own musings, leaving Lorelai to steer them both back to the diner.

"It's diabolical," announced Lorelai, pausing before the door that led to coffee, pie, and a slightly less insane version of insanity.

"Hmm?"

"Luke. He couldn't leave, could he? To go with Rachel. Or he'd have to give up the diner, and the building, to put his, uh, 'share'…" Lorelai crinkled her nose. "Back on the money tree. It's a way to trap people here forever. Like Emily and her dinners. You owe. So you can't leave."

"Oh, Lorelai," whispered Patty, and studied the younger woman with true sympathy shining in her eyes. "It's not meant to be that way. Luke can leave whenever he wants. If he doesn't sell the building, he won't even be expected to pay back the money tree."

Dull-eyed, Lorelai mumbled, "So that's it. You kiss the feet of the right people, and a hundred thousand dollars appears in your bank account. Just like Emily."

"No, dear," said Patty, yanking open the diner door with unexpected vigor. "Luke, sweetie, we need coffee and pie! It's an emergency!"

"Yeah, yeah," groused Luke, but immediately reached for mugs and the coffee pot.

Sotto voce, Patty told Lorelai, "And Sookie never has to pay it back, either."

"Even when she dies?"

"It'd be polite, but it's not required. Not even Taylor can sue the dead."

"I'm going to wake up and discover this was all a bad dream from drinking decaf, right?"

Patty exhaled heavily. "Oh, sweetie. Luke? Make that pie with ice cream."

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AN: So PurryCat and I were wondering where the money came from, when Sookie suddenly had savings, and Luke suddenly had savings, with which to invest in inns, buy buildings out from under Taylor, and similar. This nonsense popped to mind.