This Would Be the End
Chapter 5
His senses, for which he did have, were on fire. His eyes were closed but he could still smell the atrocious odor of burning flesh. He knew the smell all too well after his stay with the Other. Oh, how they would singe and burn his skin, their sweaty six fingered hands slapping against the wounds until his body would inevitably heal and they would start the whole process over again.
Loki cringed internally at the memories but he must have flinched in reality because he noticed now that the faraway, muffled sounds at various pitches were actually voices of those around him.
His breath caught in his throat, strangling him and he felt the organ in his chest clash painfully into his ribcage.
Oh, how dear and how much his body ached. Pain engulfed his senses as the world clouded into a kaleidoscope of colors swimming before his closed lids. He groaned, his throat feeling dry and his vocal chords buckling at the pain there, too.
It felt like he was frozen and encased in pain. Had he not been through enough already?
He felt a warmth rest upon his hand as he could feel cool tendrils flowing up his veins until they reached his heart then collided back out to his lungs and brain again.
Within mere moments the paid faded away, dulling in its intensity, gradually at first then all at once.
He let out a long exhale, relief swarming through him.
Maybe he was all right, yet.
Maybe this wasn't the end for him.
He heard whispers echo around him, as if they were rotating around his skull and he moved his head back and forth trying to decipher their words but when he swallowed again his throat screamed in protest and felt like a great pressure was being placed, no, squeezed upon it.
He coughed, choking on his saliva and his chest ignited with white hot pain again and he immediately moved his arm to clutch at it but another explosion ricocheted outwards from his shoulder and Loki gasped involuntarily.
Of course, with this fast intake of breath he could feel his ribs creak and groan, needles stabbing him in his lungs until he cried out again, the process repeating itself for what seemed like centuries.
"-ki!"
Was someone speaking to him?
His erratic moving chest caved in and out at his frantic inspirations-trying to get air, trying to be without pain-why was there so much pain?
"-ki?"
A question now.
Was he the question?
What was his name again?
He tried in his panic to pay closer attention and between the blood pounding through his system and the pants for air coming from his lips at his gurgling throat-he heard it.
"Lo-?"
The start of his name.
He was someone, after all.
His name was Kilo. Wait…that didn't feel right.
He felt the absence of warmth at his hand, before it reappeared elsewhere.
Now it was at his other shoulder.
He had two?
His brain was sluggish, taking too long to decipher the world around him.
He grew bored, restless and wanted to just go back to sleep where his mother was waiting for him anxiously.
He wasn't sure how he knew it but he felt his heart clench in his chest as he realized he wasn't going to see her again.
Not now, not yet, not today.
He had a life to lead. A life he knew she wanted him to live to see.
He wasn't sure why or how he had gotten to where he was but he knew she was with him-in spirit, in his heart, in his mind.
He could feel her tracing her fingers into his hair, softly singing his favorite lullaby to him in a low whisper. It immediately soothed him. He felt his body relax and became aware of the cool plush beneath him.
Frigga was here.
And she wanted him to live. To truly, fully and completely live.
He knew then that he'd try his best. He told her that he might fail at times and she said she believed in him and had faith in the process.
Something about seeing the future from the other side gave her these ideas.
Loki chuckled, hoarse and hurting his throat but she smiled at him all the same and told him it was time to awaken.
He didn't want to say goodbye so soon and sadness pricked her beautiful eyes.
"It is time, my son. Time…"
For me to live, he thought and she nodded.
Words died on his lips as she faded from view. For a second he held his breath before he took the plunge and opened his eyes.
~#*#~
It was Thor that was the source of Loki's perception of warmth.
When the heart monitor peaked as Loki's eyes fluttered beneath their hoods and he reconnected his consciousness to his body which ignited the pain that was otherwise lying dormant at rest, it was Thor that held his hand.
It was Thor's panicked blue eyes that shouted at doctor Banner to give his brother something-anything.
"Just make the pain stop!" Thor remembered crying out because his brain hadn't stopped the loop tape of his words from being repeated. Over and over the words chanted as Thor's heart raced, panic in his steps as he shifted from foot to foot.
Before he realized it, Banner was injecting a clear liquid into Loki's IV.
"This should help," Bruce murmured, knowing it might not be enough. He didn't tell Thor this because he'd rather like to remain in one piece.
Thor watched as his brother's face relaxed and his shoulders immediately dropped their revved up tension.
Thank goodness, Thor thought with relief, his emotions spilling out from the container inside himself that he had placed upon a metaphorical table.
Bruce was asking someone else something but Thor never heard him. Instead he kept his vision on Loki so hyper-focused that alarm ran through his sympathetic nervous system when he saw Loki's head lolling back and forth, trying to identify where the voice was coming from.
He still hadn't opened his eyes and Thor found himself praying to the Allfather that he still had the ability to.
Loki began to cough and distress re-emerged on his features-Thor saw it all, the way his brows pulled down together, the way his lips thinned and paled, his complexion lighter than a few moments ago, wrinkles appearing at the edge of his eyes as his muscles seemed to cramp and become taut.
Thor immediately felt breathless himself, especially when Loki's injured arm came swinging to his chest and the younger god yelped in pain.
Thor held his breath as he couldn't find his voice in his throat to tell him not to do that and doubly so when the monitor began beeping faster and faster in its pace.
"Loki? Loki?"
It was Banner talking, his brown eyes aglow with worry and for the fact that the demigod was unknowingly making his injuries, and therefore his pain, worse.
"Loki? If you can hear me, please stop moving. You're okay now. But you're seriously injured and we need you to take slow, deep breaths. Loki?"
Thor knew Bruce meant well, his concern evident in his posture but Thor knew from experience that he'd spoken too many words. With the state of his brother's hyperventilation he likely wasn't even aware of what they were saying, let alone doing.
This realization sparked new hope and direction in Thor's breast.
He unhinged his jaw and said through the small gap between his teeth, "Loki! Loki?"-He waited a beat even though it killed him inside. "Loki?" he repeated, taking his palm away from Loki's uninjured hand and instead placing it on his free shoulder.
His throat clenched when he instinctively moved to cradle his brother's neck but he stopped himself just in time.
Bruised finger marks lingered on the white flesh and Thor observed another flare sparking off his rage but he kept it in check.
Because he had to.
Because Loki needed him, here and now.
And Thor knew he had to be there for him, too.
"Barnet legges i vugge nu, stundom gråter og stundom ler. Barnet legges i vugge nu, stundom gråter og stundom ler." Thor softly whispered these lyrics from a lullaby he had overheard Frigga sing more than once with Loki when he was a small babe. He caressed Loki's long hair, still damp-from either seawater or sweat, he wasn't sure-and massaged his scalp with gentle, loving care.
"Mamma tar meg på sitt fang, danser meg meg att og fram." Thor watched as the stress embedded with its deep claws into Loki's body began to loosen and let him free.
Thor smiled sadly, wishing his mother could truly be here to help Loki in ways that Thor felt incompetent by.
He continued to sing to Loki even after the blips of the Midgardian machines fell into a steady, calm pace.
He felt warmth spread throughout his chest like a fire burns through a forest when he saw those two beautifully green eyes part. They looked as though evergreens had grown within those irises and Thor finally felt his body exhale.
He was awake-but now the new challenges were birthed.
~#*#~
Green irises held constricted pupils, pools of the galaxy, their holder being made up of the stardust from the sky beyond.
Their holder, their captor, blinked a few times, trying to understand, trying to reconfigure, come to terms with where they were.
"Brother," Thor rasped and immediately, green eyes widening, they found their elder sibling's gaze.
Loki's lips pursed and his breathing turned to a painful rattle again as he croaked, "Thor?"
Tears sprang to Thor's ocean eyes of their own accord. He vaguely felt their warm trickle down the sides of his face.
He was so choked up that words never formed on his lips so he squeezed Loki's shoulder lightly and the trickster's breathing settled back into a weary rhythm.
Bruce, not meaning to intrude, held out to Thor an oxygen mask from behind Loki's head. He mouthed to the thunder god to set it upon Loki's nose and mouth.
Thor, awestruck and dizzy, told his brother with only a small hiccup in his voice, "Loki, we need to place this on your face…to…help your breathing. Is that all right?" He eyed his brother cautiously as if he expected the mischief maker to fight back, teleport or otherwise reject Thor's efforts of helping him.
Loki instead nodded eagerly and Thor placed the mask over his face.
Bruce, meanwhile, turned the oxygen on so that fresh, cool air wafted into Loki's cheeks.
The trickster immediately settled, his anxieties for the moment halting. His brain, of course, dusty and untidy as it was wouldn't stop its frenzied, abrupt thought patterns.
But for the moment, as Loki internally questioned who was 'we' he greedily sucked in breath after breath and Thor let him.
It was probably five minutes later when Thor heaved a heavy breath from his own chest as he saw the sleepiness bend over Loki's eyelids.
Reacting strongly to his brother's presence again, Loki gazed at him with eyes pleading, pleading to provide him with answers that he so desperately needed.
Thor swallowed, inhaling deeply, preparing himself mentally for the shit storm that was about to take place.
"Brother, do you, do you remember what happened?" Thor began unsteadily, tripping over his own tongue.
Loki's vision shifted and when it did, when he began to survey the room around him, Thor knew, Thor knew there was nothing he could do to stop his brother's curiosity.
What Loki found was the gaze of one Steve Rogers, one Tony Stark and one Bruce Banner.
He gulped instantaneously and shifted to rise in the bed but moaned a whimpering sound as he looked towards Thor, betrayed.
"What did you do?" Loki meant for it to be a snarl but it came out a petulant, shaky gasp.
The heart monitor easily caught the quickening pace of his ticker and Loki was thin enough that Thor could see the flickering of his pulse beneath the bruises on his neck.
From four feet back, Tony Stark held his hands, quivering slightly, within one another as he spoke up, "Um, maybe we should go?" His brown eyes skipped from Thor to Bruce. "I think we're upsetting him and I'd rather not have his blood on my hands again." He swallowed; nervousness unbecoming of the inventor.
Loki's brow perked and his cruel gaze found Thor's.
"Explain, Thor." He deadpanned but Thor was merely looking through Loki.
The trickster waited for his brother to say something but only hatred rivaled for triumph in his blue eyes. Loki wished he could shift uncomfortably if his body didn't hurt so much.
He was still waiting three minutes later but Thor seemed to have stopped working.
He shifted his gaze to the-luckily not green-doctor. "Please," he begged, surprising even himself.
Bruce produced a grim smile.
"You were in an…accident," he weakly finished, even as he had rehearsed his strong reply in his mind. He couldn't help but find himself looking to the other Avengers for help.
Steve stepped forward, radiating serenity.
"What do you remember, Loki?" Steve hoped that if they could piece together what the demigod remembered they could fill in the blanks with, and he cringed at this, a temporarily fabricated story.
Loki's eyes narrowed considerably.
"My body may be fragmented but my mind is not. I am the God of Mischief and Lies, and I know when someone is lying to me. I will ask only once more, what the fuck happened to me?" His eyes had taken on a rage that made his garbled words slow and deliberate, adding to the wave of terror that encircled the team as they were reminded of whom they were dealing with.
Thor, for what it was worth, chuckled.
Loki's eyes whipped to him and a tight lipped expression just barely contained his frustration.
"Why are you-?" the god began but found that Thor had started to speak at the same time, his low voice a rumble that demanded attention.
"You really haven't changed a bit, have you, brother?" Thor looked fondly upon the trickster.
Loki made to comment but new tears had trickled down Thor's face. Loki felt a wave of confusion lace through his body.
"Oh, how I've missed you, Loki." Sadness and loss engulfed Thor's eyes. "And I almost lost you once again." Thor bent over, kissing Loki above the head which would have made him feel embarrassed if it wasn't for Bruce's next words.
"You almost died," he supplied, apparently having decided to start with the most frightening news first.
"Technically you did die," Tony piped in, teeth lightly pinching his bottom lip. "You were dead for over an hour," he added, almost absent mindedly.
"You drowned," Steve mentioned with eyes also a little lost in pain. "We were giving you CPR but it wasn't working."
Bruce interrupted with facts, "CPR for an out of hospital cardiac arrest only results in about ten percent survival rates. It's actually the electrical shock to the heart that works the best."
"Your brother used his hammer to shock you." Steve supplied and Loki quirked a brow to his sibling.
"And that worked?" He asked quietly.
Thor nodded solemnly, eyes distant.
"It took many a try, brother."
"Which would explain the damage that's been wrought upon your body," Bruce interjected, swallowing hard.
Maybe this version of the truth will saturate him, he thought until Loki spoke again.
"And what are my injuries, exactly?" He crinkled his nose, adding, "That also explains the smell."
Bruce nodded, replying, "You have a dislocated right shoulder and a fracture on your left femur. Your sternum-the breastbone-has sustained damage from the CPR and you likely have a few broken ribs. The electricity combined with your heritage means that you've sustained burn-like injuries to your internal organs, likely stiffening the veins and arteries. We're hoping that as you heal these side effects will improve on their own." Bruce finished with a calming deep breath as the demigod mulled over these details.
"Ooookay," he whispered, raising his eyes to the doctor. "But that doesn't explain why my throat hurts," Loki observed and Tony made an audible hiss-which landed green eyes to his brown.
Tony raised his hands in surrender, stammering while thinking they almost got away with this.
"I-I didn't," he murmured but it was Thor's small squeeze that altered Loki's stare.
"You were-"
"Strangled." Loki's face became overshadowed with pain-whether it was emotional or physical it was difficult to tell. His fallen lids shut like ominous locked doors clanging closed. "It was…" but he never finished the thought as the physical discomfort overrode his senses and he felt his heart struggle to beat properly.
"Too…." he breathed shallowly. "Too….much…." He coughed, his nerve endings screaming with his heart rate tripling in speed.
He barely recalled cursing these Midgardian machines for their obvious traitorous nature as his eyes rolled back into his skull, showing only the whites of his orbs as his body began to shake uncontrollably.
"I need a syringe of adenosine, morphine and to put him under a chemically induced coma!" Bruce cried out, jumping into action as Steve rushed to the medicine cart.
The super soldier scurried back over to Bruce as the scientist took charge, telling Thor hurriedly that he needed to stand clear and that they were going to continue helping Loki until he was more stable.
"We have to get his heart rate under control!" Bruce all but yelled, frenzied movements still deliberate and careful.
As he injected the medications he held his breath as he watched the monitors.
For a moment, Loki's body put up a fight, increasing his heartbeats to over three hundred before dropping-dropping too-quickly back into the early one hundreds.
Only after the beats had finished fumbling over each other, coming dangerously close to fibrillation before falling back into a steady, calmer rhythm, did Bruce let go of a long exhalation.
His disheveled hair and slightly shaking hands as adrenaline punched through his own body came to more manageable levels as he said, one hand pulling a blanket up to Loki's chin, "We're going to wait a few days until he's more medically stable. That may be sooner rather than later but I don't want to over-shock his system again so soon after he's trying to heal. We need him functioning and alive. The coma should buy his organs some time to recuperate. Any objections?" Bruce raised a brow almost in challenge but no one bit.
"Good," he said, hands wracking through his hair again. "Now, we have an archer to check on." He let out an unsteady breath, chewed his lip then admonished, "After we eat." He looked to each of his team members, hastily. "We need to take care of ourselves too, not just the two of them." He pointed out earnestly.
Tony held both his hands up in the air, stretching the panic out of his system as he questioned, "Who wants pizza? I could use a pizza right now. Jarvis? Would you mind?"
The AI replied calmly, "Of course, sir."
As the three mortals began to trample out of the medical bay, Thor squeezed Loki's shoulder one last time, placing a warm kiss on his forehead.
"Until next time, brother." He whispered, admiring the peace in his brother's features.
He moved to the corners of the room before exiting with worry and love in his every step.
~#*#~
They had just finished devouring the plain cheese and pepperoni with pineapple pizzas (Steve had grown into strange tastes) when Bruce suggested it was as good a time as any to bring a slice to Barton under the veil of support while also medically checking on him and potentially questioning him on what the hell had happened.
To be honest, Bruce wasn't so sure they'd get to the latter after how Loki's interaction had gone down. The scientist was worried about the trickster but with Jarvis' eyes on him and knowing the coma would put him out for at least two days, he knew he had to put his doubts on a shelf, separate himself from his emotions and focus on what he could do and provide in this very moment.
When he looked over his fellow teammates he felt he wasn't alone in that; because of this, when they reached the level of the infirmary Bruce said, "We have to walk into this with an open mind. We can't bring our emotions into this," Bruce looked pointedly at Thor. "Whatever happened is what happened. We can ask some questions but don't expect a long speech. I want to know why just as much as you guys, but we may not get that answer today. Can we do this and do what's right?" Bruce studied each of them carefully.
Tony was looking down at his shoes, still wringing his hands but he set a wince of a smile on his lips as he bobbed.
Steve looked sick but he nodded too, even while he was frowning, mustering up the inner strength within his soul to do this and prepare for what was yet to come.
Bruce's eyes hung the longest on Thor who held his fingers in tight fists but when he felt the mortal's gaze upon him he forcibly let the tension roll away from his otherwise uptight shoulders. He sighed once, twice then four times. His blue eyes held questions but his anger, for now, was fading.
Bruce picked up his chin in more confidence than he felt and stepped into the white and pale blue room.
The red-headed assassin sat in an uncomfortable wire chair-some things about medical settings didn't change-and she had her head resting on her palms.
She slightly quirked her brow upon hearing the doors open but otherwise held Barton's hand with comfort and encouragement. Her green eyes could melt the coldest heart away and she was using this advantage to stare at Clint. She whispered something to the agent, what could have been instructions to kill any of them but was more likely to be open to their questions and honest with his answers.
Clint's face was caught somewhere between impassive and emotive. Bruce couldn't tell what emotion lay in his eyes and he didn't dare to hasten a guess, for fear that the wrong indication would blow the entire precarious situation up.
Instead, he strode forwards and tinkered with Clint's medical equipment, bordering on completely avoiding the archer's gaze.
Tony walked up next, plate of pizza in hand as he clapped a palm onto Clint's blanketed feet, declaring, "Wakey, wakey Barty Boy, your dinner awaits." He smirked and handed the dish to Natasha who grabbed the nearby moving table that was then presented in front of the archer.
The archer narrowed his gaze coldly and said, "I know what I did. You can stop pretending like we're still friends." He added quietly, a lie nonetheless, "I'm not hungry."
"Bullshit," Tony snapped, and so, yeah maybe he was still feeling a bit hangry-could he honestly be blamed for that?
Bruce shot him a warning glare and Steve piped in with Thor behind his shoulder, "We're not going anywhere. And we've all had a long, hard day. We've already ate so there's none of us-" Steve jerked at Tony, trying to pull his inner spirit animal back inside his body, "-who are going to steal your plate. We've got one for you too, Natasha." Steve's blue eyes fell to hers briefly. Gazing back at Barton he added, "We talked it over, and there's no way we're reporting you to SHIELD. We'll figure out some kind of cover story but we're not here to get you arrested. We're here…as family." Steve blushes a little and Natasha couldn't help but think how adorable it was. Although her face was evasive, she appreciated the team's love and care more than they probably realized.
Clint, visibly shocked, clearly wasn't expecting it either.
He spluttered out a choked back, tear filled, "You do realize the magnitude of what I've done, right? There's no way those agents aren't going to go to Fury about this and when that happens I'll immediately be canned." Emotion sounding like immense guilt and regret-for whom it was placed on, was still unclear-pooled to the core of the Earth for the assassin.
"We know how much you've put yourself and your skillset into this job," Steve validated with care.
"So if anyone tries to can you, they'll have to can all of us. We're not leaving you." Stark said firmly. "Besides I'm sure a few thousand dollars will make them change their minds." The inventor winked at him but Barton wasn't certain how much of that proclamation was a joke and not fact.
He blinked a few times, seemingly dumbstruck.
"This is going to put a wedge between us," he said softly, trying to look back into Thor's strong face.
The thunder god was too busy staring at the floor but he shrugged noncommittally. He didn't utter a word while Bruce was negotiating, "We're enrolling all of us into therapy. There are some obvious and persistent underlying issues here and there's no sense in having a moment that tests all of our resiliencies crumble us apart as though we were nothing. We're all a team now, including Loki-either for the time being or forever-and we have to do what's right by him, by you, by all of us. You and Loki are going to need intensive therapy and the rest of us will follow suit because we definitely all have our issues. There's nothing wrong in getting help. It's a sign of immense strength, never weakness." Bruce patted Clint on the shoulder. "It doesn't excuse what happened. We've all gone through trauma in our lives and this time is no different. We're going to be facing extraordinary challenges given who this is about but the therapist will meet us here at the tower." Bruce glanced at Tony.
"For now, we're going to wait on Loki to be cleared medically. Then Tony will make some calls."
"So he's…he's alive?" Clint's voice cracked, a million emotions flickering across his features.
"Barely." The whisper came from the thunder god. "I know not yet how I will be towards you but I have to be on my brother's side, even if that means being crass towards you for a while. I imagine you understand," Thor stated bitterly, eyes daring to look at the archer with still smoldering resentment.
"I deserve that," Clint stated easily, nodding.
"Ohohoho, yeah you do." Tony emphasized, laughing in a way that led Steve to send him a dirty look.
The archer lowered his gaze, guilt residing there again. "How bad?" he whispered.
"Bad," Stark replies first. "It took us an hour plus to revive him. He's….in tough physical shape. We tried speaking to him but caused the dude more panic and pain than was necessary. Bruce put him in a coma to help his body physically heal…"
"We don't know if there are any neurological deficits yet and…" Bruce began with Steve finishing, "We have no way of knowing what his psychological damage is yet, either."
"So, a waiting game." Natasha remarked, quietly pushing the slice of pizza towards her comrade.
Barton relaxed some, taking up the pile of grease in one wobbly hand as he brought it to his mouth.
"Well, shit, I probably pissed off the wrong person, didn't I?" He pondered and the three men plus a demigod agreed.
"For now though," Bruce expanded his arms to include all of them, "we rest. We all need it to fight against tomorrow."
He moved to the doorway with a still mouthwatering Tony Stark, an encouraging Steve Rogers and a bristled thunder god when Barton called back after them:
"Thanks, guys. Th-thank you." He looked directly at Thor then and Thor swiveled his head a little as he made a face that said he'd probably be a dick to Clint for the next few months and he really wanted to know why this happened, yet he was willing to one day forgive him properly.
Clint would take what he could get, sharing his slice with Tasha until her own was brought.
He didn't know how but he imagined to himself that they all slept like heavy logs that night.
And maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow would replenish new hope into them all as the sun would rise high in the sky and they would all have the gift of taking in and exhaling a long, relieving breath.
A/N:
Well, it's uh, it's been a while! I apologize for not having properly updated this story in over a year. That was a big oversight on my part, and I hope that this chapter can kinda make up for it a smidge? :D
I was recently in the last week, when I started writing this chapter, reading other angsty/hurt and comfort fanfics so I kinda upped the stakes in this one too as a result. *cue evil laugh*
But I hope that it was enjoyable and made up for lost time! I think I fleshed this chapter out more than previous ones so that's also a plus. :] I also wanted to have that team-like bravado for Clint too, as I know a reader of this story didn't want to paint him as a bad guy, which I totally understand. So I hope this is something they were looking for! :]
Oh! I almost forgot! The lullaby is Norwegian and I found it on Youtube under the username: "don macdonald" and it loosely translates into: "The child is laid down in the crib, sometimes cries, sometimes laughs. Mother takes me upon her lap, dances with me to and fro" I wanted something within that language to add something extra special to that scene. :]
PS: I hope the medical stuff is mostly accurate. I spent a good portion of my typing this chapter up researching medications and CPR/AED information, so hopefully it's all set, but worst case scenario I just update it in the future. :]
I will next be updating: IIOC, D&D, S and eventually, ALU. For now, I shall bamboozle elsewhere. I still have to edit through and re-read this chapter, :P
Handwritten: 8/28 & 8/29/2019
Typed & Edited: 8/30 & 9/1/2019
Background music while writing: 90 Days by P!nk and Wrabel; Don't Give Up on Me by Andy Grammer; Somebody Loves You by Plumb; The Real Hero by Alan Silvestri and Rescue by Lauren Daigle
Thank you for reading and leave me a review, if you have time! xxx