"Oh, come on, Wayne!" Roxanne says desperately, "how many boring parties have I gone to with you as your fake date? And now you're just going to, to desert me when I finally need you to return the favor?"

"Don't be like that, Roxy," Wayne whines over the phone. "You can't expect me to leave Metro City for a whole week so I can go with you to Wisconsin. There's no telling what Megamind would do while I was gone!"

"You went on vacation to Greece for three weeks this summer, you hypocrite! And all he did then was turn the city pool into a giant vat of jello! You're just making excuses!"

"Roxy—"

"You just don't want to have to come with me to my step-sister's wedding."

"I—"

"How long have we been fake-dating, Wayne?"

Wayne sighs.

"Seven years," he says.

"That's right, Wayne," Roxanne says, "seven. very. long. years. Seven long years of datelessness for Roxanne! Seven long years of going to fashion shows and charity balls and—and garden parties with stupid little chicken pastry things. And yet every time my family's in town, it's oh I'm just so busy, Roxy; I can't make it. The whole point of fake dating you was so I could get my mother off my back—and you know what she said to me, the last time she came to visit, Wayne? She said if I didn't see that boyfriend of yours on tv everyday, I'd think you were making him up, Roxanne ha ha ha."

"I'm sure she was joking," Wayne says. "If she laughed."

"It was a fake laugh," Roxanne hisses, "Wayne, I am not going to this goddamn wedding alone."

"So take someone else!" Wayne says brightly. "Hey, what about that guy who works with you? The—you know, the guy, the one with the red hair—I can't remember his name."

"Hal?!" Roxanne demands in outrage. "Did you seriously just suggest that I take Hal to my step-sister's wedding?!"

"Sure!" Wayne says, evidently oblivious to her tone, "he seems like a cool guy, right?"

"…I have no words," Roxanne says, "for how how very not right that statement is. But leaving aside Hal's extreme creepiness, may I just point out that my family is under the impression that I am dating you? How am I supposed to bring someone who isn't my boyfriend to this wedding?"

"We could break up?" Wayne offers. "Just for a while, and then get back together!"

Roxanne growls, low in her throat.

"Oh, rest assured, we will be breaking up," she says darkly. "You—unreliable—self-involved—"

"Not until after my mother's party this weekend, though, right?" Wayne asks, "Because I already told her you were coming and I don't wanna mess up the seating arrangements…"

Roxanne hangs up on him.

She glares at the invitation hung up on her refrigerator.

Okay. Okay, so she has—two weeks to find herself a date to this thing. She can do that! She can totally do that!

Oh, who is she kidding; there is no way she can do that!

She's going to have to do something drastic.

"Okay," Roxanne says, as soon as the kidnapping bag comes off the next time, "so I'm aware that this is not actually how we do things, Megamind, but I really need to schedule an emergency kidnapping."

Megamind, seated in his tall-backed chair, blinks at her.

"—need to schedule a what, now?" he asks.

He turns a baffled look on Minion, who shrugs, looking just as confused.

"An emergency kidnapping," Roxanne says, "I need to schedule it. My step-sister's getting married and I don't have a date."

Megamind tilts his head at her.

"You—don't want to go to your step-sister's wedding?" he asks hesitantly. "Also, what about—Captain Tights?"

"Captain Tights," Roxanne says scathingly, "is an asshole. Worst fake boyfriend ever."

Megamind gapes at her.

"…fake?" he manages to say after a moment, "uh?"

(well, hell, she probably shouldn't have told him that, but she is enraged all over again at the mention of Wayne—seriously, seven years and this is what she gets?)

"Fake," Roxanne says, "entirely fake. As in not dating, never dated, just pretended to date so that my mother would shut up about the fact that I'm doubtless going to be single forever and die alone and get eaten by my cats before anybody notices I'm gone."

Megamind stares at her.

"—but you don't have any cats," he says faintly.

"I know!" Roxanne says, wanting to throw her hands up in the air in exasperated agreement but thwarted by the fact that she's tied to a chair. "I know! It doesn't make any sense! But she's convinced that's what happens to single women who live alone in the city: they die and they get eaten by their cats. That's just how it goes. So you see why I need you to kidnap me."

"…so you don't get eaten by your nonexistent cats?" Megamind asks, looking lost.

"No! So I don't have to listen to my mother tell me that I'm going to get eaten by my nonexistent cats," Roxanne says.

"But—" Megamind says, and then hesitates.

"But! But what?" Roxanne demands, because Megamind had better not let her down on this, damn it; she is relying on him. "You kidnap me all the time; how is this different?!"

"Well," Megamind says, "I—I mean—family—wedding—togetherness—things," he waves a hand vaguely, "aren't they—you know—important?"

Roxanne stares at him for a long moment. Megamind looks back at her, his eyes darting away nervously for a moment and then meeting hers again. There's a line of confusion between his eyebrows.

Seriously, what kind of supervillain cares about family wedding togetherness things?

(Abruptly, Roxanne remembers the way Megamind refers to himself as 'daddy' when he's talking to the brainbots. That's—huh—she never really—thought about that, much, before, but—that's—interesting.)

She sighs, abruptly feeling guilty for conspiring to skip Laura's wedding.

"They are," she admits. "They are important. But—Megamind, in all seriousness, I really don't think I can deal with going to this thing without a date. And it's in a week and a half. I can't find a date in a week an a half!"

"You can't?" Megamind asks, frowning deeper now. "But—but you're—" he glances away from her.

"—what?" Roxanne asks, after a long moment of silence.

Megamind clears his throat.

"Never mind," he says. "I'll—certainly, if you require it, I can pencil you in for a…"

Megamind trails off, his eyes lighting up with what Roxanne recognizes as his I have just come up with a really bad plan that will probably blow up both literally and metaphorically in my face expression. Then his face falls and he shakes his head.

"—I can pencil you in for a kidnapping," he repeats, "Miss Ritchi; how would—"

"You just thought of something," Roxanne says, curiosity getting the better of her.

"I—it was—nothing, really," Megamind says, waving a dismissive hand. "Tell me, what time would work best for you for the—"

"What did you just think of?" Roxanne asks, because she can't help herself.

"It's—well," Megamind bites his lip, "really, it's nothing; I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in—you'd never agree, so—honestly, it was just a—"

"Oh, just tell me!" Roxanne says impatiently.

"Well, I—I've designed a—" Megamind flushes, "—wearable hard-light holographic projection?"

Roxanne blinks at him—a holographic—wearable—understanding dawns.

"You mean, it—" she begins.

"Can make the wearer look like someone else, yes," Megamind finishes quickly, "so if you, ah, wanted it to appear as if—Metro Man—were with you, then—"

"No, that wouldn't work," Roxanne says, shaking her head.

"—ah," Megamind says, shoulders dropping, gaze flicking away from her, "no, like—like I said, I didn't think you'd—"

"I already told my mother I broke up with Wayne," Roxanne says, making a face.

That had been an unpleasant conversation. Her mother had been loudly disappointed and things had devolved—as they usually did, when she talked to her mother—into an argument, and when her mother had implied that Roxanne was probably never going to find someone else, Roxanne had wound up stupidly implying that she already had found someone else and—

"Could you—look like someone besides Wayne?" Roxanne blurts out, before she can think better of it.

Megamind's eyes go wide, flying to her face.

"Uh," he says, "wh—yes? Are you—are you actually—do you want me to—"

This really is a bad plan, a very bad plan which is definitely probably going to blow up in both of their faces, but—oh, to hell with it, Roxanne decides. Sometimes the potential explosions are worth the risk!

"What are you doing this weekend?" she asks Megamind. "We need to plan this thing out."