Chapter One: I Hope This Reaches You (February)

Kaori Perspective

Setting: Totsuhara University Hospital

Knock-knock. My eyes slowly dragged open, as I groggily called out "Come in!"

I wearily lifted my body up to see the door slowly swivel open, and in the threshold were my parents. "Good morning, Kaori" my father said. My mother asked "How are you feeling?", as they walked in to sit with me in my room and began filling out paperwork.

It was the morning of my surgery, and the night was less than stellar. My diet had been limited yesterday, the doctors had begun to add different fluids to my IV lineup, and perhaps worst of all, I couldn't sleep. Needless to say, when the success rate of your upcoming operation is lower than your age, said person would probably be stressed. So, in response to my mother, I was feeling absolutely horrible.

The only thing that distracted me from my distress last night was Kousei. One of the biggest performances of his life is today. And hearing his performance with Nagi-chan, I couldn't help but wonder how his next one would go. When he played with her, I was immediately taken back to the first time I saw him at the recital: the time I fell in love with him. I always wondered how Kousei remembers that day. For him, it might have been just another performance. But for me, it was a day that forever changed my life.

To think that I actually got to play with him. The nationally-renowned Kousei Arima. The greatest pianist I had ever heard. But, he wasn't that to me anymore. A laggard. A slowpoke. A dummy. A pervert. And yet, he's more than I ever thought he was.

"Good morning, Kaori!"

I whipped my head around. A group of doctors were standing by the door. Oh gosh, I daydreamed about Kousei again. Flustered, I answered back, "Good morning everyone"

"How are you feeling?"

If I don't make it today, at least I won't have to hear that stupid question again. I've literally been dying for the past two years. How the hell do they think I've been feeling?

"A little nervous." I said plainly with a light chuckle.

"Well, we've been preparing for this for weeks, so you've got the best in the business on your side."

Cutting up my side, more like it. I had always been afraid of surgeries. The things I do for you, Kousei. "Baka", I thought with a giggle.

As the doctors began to discuss the surgery with my parents, I laid my head back against the lumpy pillow and pulled the blankets up to my nose. Inhaling, I noted the stale hospital scent the sheets had. For some reason, I remembered that day on the hospital rooftop with Kousei. When I fell into his lap, I buried my face into his his shirt; he smelled like dust, egg, and sweat (since that baka forgets to bathe half the time). I'd much rather smell that.

The next hour was a blur. The doctors wheeled me all around the hospital, as they spoke to other hospital employees and I went through many little tests. During our mini-journey, my parents and doctors attempted to keep me uplifted. My father told me about what things he would bake after the surgery. My mother went on and on about what spring clothing I could buy in the next couple weeks. And, every hospital employee gave me a smile and a good luck. I was happy to have their attention.

But, honestly, I just wanted to see my friends: Tsubaki greeting me with her big smile, Watari droning on and on about all the school's gossip, and of course, Kousei standing in the back with that dull expression on his face. I really just wanted to go to his performance with them all.

After what seemed like ages, the doctors wheeled me to the front of the surgery room. I knew, because I had passed it so many times on my late-night, ninja-Kaori explorations! (¬‿¬)

I sat up and looked around, until my eyes fell on my parents. They stood right next to each other on the side of my bed. My father opened his mouth, but immediately closed it. Instead, they each grabbed one of my hands, and their faces stretched into a smile. The one I've seen so many times before. That forced smile. It conveyed so much: fear, regret, guilt, and recently, an air of hopelessness.

All those times they cried together in the waiting rooms or outside my room, my mother would whimper out how they wished they could have given me a better life, as my father would simultaneously attempt to comfort her and choke back his own tears. Whenever, they put on that forced smile in front of me, I always tell them that they don't have to cry. I use to cry everyday too. Then, last year, I realized, my health, as much as it is a curse, is a gift too. Without it, I'd still be quiet, by-the-book violin player Kaori. I would have never eaten all the delicious things I eat now. I would have never tried contacts. I would have never changed up my violin pieces. But most of all, I would have never been able to meet Kousei and his friends. And as much as I hate my disease, it brought me to him.

Looking at my parents straight in the eyes, I spoke out:

"Mom, Dad, you don't have to worry."

Their smiles fell into a slack-jaw, whilst I squeezed their hands as hard as I could. As I continued, tears began to well up in my eyes:

"I know my health has been harder on you than it has on me. I can't imagine how much it hurt to see me struggle to just get out of bed somedays. But, these doctors, my teachers, my friends, and especially you two have given me so much. I've been able to compete in great violin competitions. I've been able to try some of the best pastries in the world: yours. And, I've been able to spend fourteen years with the most beautiful people than I could have ever asked for."

My dad choked out a wail, as his eyes began to flood. I saw tears drip from one of the doctor's eyes onto his paperwork.

"You've all made my life so rich. What I've received in fourteen years, people don't get to experience for forty years, or even four-hundred years. So, thank you, Mom & Dad. I love you so much."

They both pounced on me and scooped me into the warmest, tightest hug I've ever had.

"Kaori, you're the best daughter we could have ever had."

"You've given us so much more than we could have ever dreamed fourteen years ago."

After a while, my parents slowly backed away. Even though it seemed like they had been hugging me for hours, I wanted to leap back into their arms. Nevertheless, my parents looked down, smiling at me as tears streamed down their cheeks.

Dad jumped for a second. I looked at him quizzically.

"Kaori, do you want us to give this letter to Kousei when we see him?"

I thought for a minute. If by some miracle I did live, would I want him to know? Would I want that change?

Well, I've been doing things out of character for this long.

"Yes" I blurted out.

My dad smiled as he returned the letter to his pocket. Then, both he and my mother looked straight at me.

"I love you, Mom and Dad." I said

"We love you, Kaori" my parents said in unison, as my father wrapped his arm tightly around my mother.

"You're so brave, Kaori," one of the doctors said to me. "This surgery should take a little over an hour. With your will, I've never seen anyone more ready to take it on."

"Thanks, Doctor." I chuckled out. Suddenly, I felt that dreaded jerk behind me. I was being pulled into the surgical room. As the doctors wheeled me back, I took what may be my last look at my parents and gave them the biggest, brightest smile I could.

They returned it and waved. My mother suddenly mouth, "Please." Please what? I wanted to know what she was implying, but the doors to the room closed with a dull swing. Confused, I laid back into my bed.

"Are you ready, Kaori?" I heard one doctor say.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I squeaked out.

I finally came to a slow stop under a bright light. I rotated my head around to peruse the room. The room was a sickly green. Surgical tools of unknown varieties laid wrapped in plastic packages all around me. Doctors yanked latex gloves onto their hands with a loud "snap". One doctor put my hair into a net, as others began preparing the room.

I closed my eyes, trying to be brave. I know I had said I wanted this surgery, but I was more scared than I had ever been in my life. My breath became more shallow and hurried. My hand began to tremble.

"Kaori, we're going to put you anesthesia now." The doctor on my right said, holding up a breathing mask.

"Ok," I struggled out. The doctor put the mask on my face and put the straps under my head until they lightly snapped right above my neck.

As I inhaled, my breathing calmed down, and my eyes began feeling heavy. As my eyelids began what could be their last descent, I began running through my memories. The caring doctors around me. The little kids I played with at the park. My schoolmates all wrapped up in the weekend and vacations. Tsubaki. Watari. My parents. And Kousei.

I could see nothing more but blurry shapes between my eyelids. I whispered out:

"Arima Kousei, I love you. Thanks for everything."

My eyes shut closed, as I thought "I hope this reaches you", before I fell into total darkness.