*generic key-smash*

The quiet isn't so much uncomfortable as it is charged.

Kuroko stands in the kitchen, staring hard at the kettle and wishing for it to slow down some. He'd been composed at the court, but it was going to get dark, and it was going to get cold. Like an utter moron, he'd suggested they take their little intervention to his house, as it was the closest. His mother is working late, she won't be in for some time, and everyone but Momoi is at the table. She's at the counter, setting seven mugs on a tray and adjusting them over and over again.

Kuroko draws out the process a few minutes longer than necessary, but soon enough he's carrying the tray to the table. The only seat open is at the head and he bites his lip. Akashi, Kise, and Midorima sit on one side while Momoi joins Aomine and Murasakibara on the other.

They run through the motions, everyone taking a small sip before their attention zeroes in on Kuroko. He really doesn't know why he thought this would be better. They were halfway to his house when he realized just how much he wanted to be back at the court.

"Kuroko-"

"What do you want to know, exactly?" Kuroko cuts Midorima off without thinking. He does his best to straighten up, takes a sip of his tea before folding his hands in his lap. He clasps them tight, knowing that the tremors will start soon, he can already feel them humming to life in his heart.

He can do this.

He has to do this.

"What happened last night?" Akashi asks.

Kuroko had known this would come up from the second he opened the door to see Midorima. He knows Aomine hasn't told anyone, but there's not much that escapes Midorima's attention.

Going through school and practice had been fine, more or less. He was still in a bit of a haze, distant. This intervention has been a long time coming, he's actually surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. The only thing he hadn't anticipated was how it feels.

Momoi looks about ready to cry, Aomine is obviously worried, Murasakibara is biting his lip, Kise is fidgeting, Midorima keeps cleaning his glasses, and Akashi's eyes are unwavering in their gaze. They're waiting for him, waiting for him to cut himself open and bare the events he's hidden. It's not just the events of last night, they'll want to know everything.

How did this all start? Were you always so anxious? How long have these attacks happened? Does this have anything to do with parents' relationship? What exactly is their relationship anyhow?

He can feel his heartbeat pounding against his forehead, the skin around his eyes feels tight and his mouth goes dry. He unclasps his hands just long enough to pick up his mug and take a sip. He puts it down, maybe a little too loud, and clasps his hands once more, squeezing tight enough to ache.

They're waiting for him.

Something comes out of his mouth, but it's certainly not words. He chokes, chokes on air, on the breath he was drawing in before he spoke.

He jolts back when he feels something against his face.

Momoi's there, arm extended, the crook of her index finger wet with tears.

His face is hot, there's too much- too many-

He's crying, he's cried enough times that even if he can't feel the tears, he knows what everything else feels like. He doesn't bother trying to wipe them away.

The shakes are spreading, the edges of his vision growing fuzzy. He blinks hard. His mouth is dry again. Everything is spinning.

Someone's talking.

People are moving.

More noise.

Hands.

Not his hands.

His hands are on something familiar though, not clasped together.

Not on his person.

He can't breathe.

Breathing too fast.

Can't breathe.

His fingers are twitching.

His nails are blunt, there won't be any damage.

"Kuroko."

Midorima.

His vision is still fuzzy but everything stills for a split second, just long enough to process Midorima's face, then everything swells back.

"Listen to me, focus. We're going to do what we did the first time, okay? Two squeezes for yes, one for no. Do you remember?"

He does.

They were in the gym. People were fighting. People were yelling. He had his back to the wall. He scratched up his arms. Midorima was there. Akashi came later. They found out about his arms. They-

"Kuroko, two for yes, one for no. Do you remember?"

He tries to focus, squeezes his eyes shut so he doesn't have to process any visuals. It's quieter here than in the gym. There's only some shuffling. Though, it's hard to tell if it's actually quiet or if he just can't hear anything over his heart pounding in his ears.

He squeezes once, slowly, then again.

"Good. Okay-"

Kuroko chokes again. The noise he makes is high pitched, it hurts his throat, it throws him deeper into his own head.

"Tetsuya, it's just you and me. Everyone else moved to the front room. Can you hear me?"

He can't make his left hand cooperate, so he squeezes twice with his right.

"I'm going to count out paces for your breathing okay? I need you to try and follow them as best you can, or you're going to choke again. Understand?"

His left hand is back to rights, he squeezes twice.

It doesn't take as long as he expects. Midorima counts and Kuroko does what he can to focus.

After about ten minutes, he comes down enough to open his eyes and let go of Midorima's arms.

"Sorry- I-"

"It's okay, just finish collecting yourself."

They sit in quiet and Kuroko drops his head to the table.

"Given your reaction, I think it would be best if you just talked with one of us."

Kuroko croaks out an okay and sits up.

"I really am sorry," he says. "I should have been able-"

"No. Like I said, it's okay, everyone else agrees. It doesn't have to be me, you can tell one of them if you're more comfortable."

Akashi is too intense, he's not sure if he can handle that. Momoi might be too emotional, Kise would be too. Murasakibara just isn't the right fit for one on one interactions of this sort. Which leaves Midorima and Aomine.

Aomine already knows what happened last night, but nothing else. Midorima was the first to find out about the attacks and the scratching. It's really a matter of who would be able to look at the situation more objectively. There's no question then, by that parameter.

It's Midorima.

"I think it would be best if it's you," Kuroko says, he's not croaking but he's a bit raspy, his throat feels raw.

"Okay, let me tell everyone else, and I'll be back. Drink your tea."

Midorima gets up and walks to the front room.

It's a courtesy, more so than anything. The only thing between the kitchen table and the front room is a small section of wall and a turn. The others can probably hear from where they are, especially if they're being quiet. Hell, some of them would be able to see him depending on where they're sitting.

Still, Midorima's given him a moment to himself.

He can hear them talking, their voices quiet. Midorima explains the situation, they all give a mumbled confirmation to say they understand.

When Midorima returns, Kuroko is breathing properly, though his hands are still twitching a little bit.

"Okay, your mother said there was an upset last night," Midorima begins. "What was that?"

"You talked with my mother?"

Midorima just nods.

That's right. Kuroko had left the two of them to finish getting ready this morning. Of course his mother would have said something, she'd spoken with Aomine as well before he went home.

"Um, Aomine already knows, I called him last night- this morning, I guess. My parents were fighting when I got home and my father ended up leaving. I ran off to the park and I called Aomine after a little while, I think it was about one o'clock. But uh, when I got home, my mother informed me of the situation."

"Which is?"

"They're getting divorced." Kuroko curls his hands into fists to deter the urge to scratch at himself.

"I'm sorry," Midorima says, voice unusually gentle.

"You don't have anything to apologize for, but thank you."

"Would you mind explaining about your parents? You don't have to give me every detail, but they haven't always left you alone, have they?"

"Yes and no. My grandmother raised me, for the most part."

"Your grandmother?"

It's the tone that makes Kuroko look up. Midorima sounds lost, surprised. His face shows it too.

"Yes?"

"I- I wasn't aware that you live with your grandmother," Midorima says.

"Well, 'lived' actually. She passed away recently."

Kuroko takes another deep breath, only just realizing he'd not told anyone that his grandmother died. He hadn't thought it relevant or important enough to bring up, so he'd kept it to himself. Both of his parents were in country for the funeral, they stayed for about a month before things went back to normal. Well, not normal for Kuroko, but normal for them. One of the only photos they have on display is of Kuroko and his grandmother, granted he was much younger when the photo was taken. She was fairly young, much younger than the other grandparents in the area, but she had a heart condition.

"I-We had no idea."

Kuroko just shrugs.

"I never said anything. I would have been surprised if you had known." He tries to smile, to lighten the mood. He figures he's only half successful.

Midorima doesn't probe much farther, he asks about Kuroko's mother, how she's holding up. He asks a few questions about how things were when Kuroko was growing up, and about his parents' general relationship before saying it's okay for them to stop.

"Are you okay if I call the others in?"

"I'd rather go out there. The table feels too formal."

Midorima nods and they both get up to move.

In the front room, Murasakibara is sprawled on the floor with Kise and Aomine while Momoi leans against the wall and Akashi stands just off center of the room.

"Do you feel any better?" he asks.

"Somewhat," Kuroko folds his arms to keep himself from fidgeting, unsure where to go from there. "Uh, thank you, all of you, for everything you've done."

Momoi strides across the room and stops just in front of him. The question she poses is silent. Kuroko drops his arms and leans in a little as she pulls him into a hug.

He ends up in the kitchen with Murasakibara while Midorima talks with the others. Kuroko can't cook, not really, but apparently Murasakibara can. They're not making anything complicated, Kuroko actually doesn't know what they're doing but he follows lead.

"You can come over to my house whenever you want," Murasakibara says suddenly, startling Kuroko so much that he drops the knife he's holding.

"Sorry?"

"My house. I have older brothers and a sister, it's noisy but if you want to come over some time, that's fine."

He can't see Murasakibara's face, the taller boy is facing the stove. Murasakibara isn't the most expressive person around, he usually maintains some semblance of apathy in his day to day, but recently he's been making efforts. Part of Kuroko thinks it's great, the other part worries that Murasakibara is going outside of his comfort zone expressly for Kuroko's sake.

That doesn't sit well with him at all.

"Uh, thank you, Murasakibara. You really don't have to offer if you don't want to, I'd hate to be a bother."

Murasakibara turns around then, an undercurrent of something beneath his mask of apathy. The only reason Kuroko can tell is because he's applied a similar mask before, he knows when someone's fronting.

"No," Murasakibara says, shaking his head, "just come over whenever, I don't care."

He turns right back around and Kuroko's about to speak up again when the front door opens.

It can't possibly be that late, can it?

"Oh, what a surprise. I didn't know you all would be coming over today, I would have finished up sooner."

"We didn't know either," Momoi says, "it was all very last minute, ma'am."

"Okay then, well, I'm glad you're all here, it's nice to meet the rest of you in person. Where's Tetsuya?"

"In the kitchen, ma'am."

He steps out of the kitchen just enough for his mother to see him and she waves him into the hall.

"Is everything okay?" she asks.

She looks tired, the shadows beneath her eyes are barely covered with her makeup and she's wearing her glasses instead of her contacts. She's been running her hands through her hair, definitely biting her lip. Most of all though, she just oozes fatigue.

"Um, I told them what happened last night, they were worried," he says.

"Okay, that's- your eyes are red."

Her hands are on his face, framing his cheeks as her eyes flit all about him, assessing some kind of invisible damage.

"I just cried, that's all." He doesn't try to move, her hands are warm and they feel nice. She doesn't know about the attacks, doesn't know about the scratching.

He'd like to keep it that way.

The twisting feeling in his stomach tells him he might not get a choice.

His mother nods and lets go of his face.

"All right, if everything's okay right now, I'm going to get cleaned up. I can make something for dinner, is everyone staying?"

"They are, but Murasakibara is already cooking."

She laughs, a short sound that's more of a sharp breath than anything, but she smiles all the same. She gives his hair a light tussle before nodding and making her way to her bedroom.

Kuroko takes a moment to gather whatever composure he'd lost before returning to his friends.

He's not sure where they go from here.

They know now. They have more than Kuroko ever intended to give away. This evening began with an attack, and now it's ending with a meal. Does this change anything? Thus far, it hasn't affected his participation in practice or games. But that was then, and this is now. Things are different now. It hasn't even been a full twenty-four hours since his father left, there's no way he's actually processed that in its entirety. What if he has some kind of relapse? What if that leads to his removal from the team?

The whole situation is bizarre enough on its own, Kuroko doesn't want to add more variables.

Murasakibara is still in the kitchen when he gets to the front room but Kise, Aomine, Momoi, Midorima, and Akashi all look up from they're huddled together.

"Anything the matter?" Akashi asks.

"No, everything's fine."

It's not long before the food is ready. Kuroko points his friends to the bathroom so they can wash up. His mother kicks Murasakibara out of the kitchen, thanking him as she does so.

They gather around the table and Kuroko comes to a strange realization.

It's a tight fit.

That's never been the case before.

Before his grandmother died, the table only had to seat four people, it rarely did that of course but that's beside the point. More often than not, it would just be Kuroko and his grandmother for meal times. Recently, it's been him and his mother.

Tonight though, the table seats eight people.

Kuroko sits beside his mother on one side, Aomine and Momoi to his left, Murasakibara and Kise across from him, and Midorima and Akashi to his right. His mother serves everyone a plate before asking them about their day. She gets the others talking about practice and the rest of the season.

The domesticity of it all is...foreign, to say the least.

Kuroko can't bring himself to eat, he pokes around his plate, moving food around to disguise the fact.

He's kept this particular piece to himself. It's one thing to admit to familial turmoil, but this is another matter entirely. He recognizes it for what it is, but that changes nothing. With all he's given up tonight, he holds on to this last aspect of control.

If they ask, his stomach is still tight from earlier, he can't stomach food right now.

As a general rule, Kuroko tries not to lie, but it's not entirely a lie this time. There is a knot of tension still in the pit of his stomach, it's just not the reason he's refusing to eat.

Kuroko snaps back into the conversation when he hears his name, scanning the table to find Akashi looking at him, gaze level and eyes calm.

"Of course," his mother says. Kuroko figures that Akashi's asked to speak to him alone for a moment, so he stands up.

The others look after them as they go, he knows it, and he tries to ignore how their gazes feel on his back.

He walks Akashi into the same hallway that he'd spoken to his mother in, and he leans against the wall, hands behind his back as he waits for Akashi to speak.

"You should tell your mother," he says simply.

Kuroko doesn't have to ask him to clarify, he knows exactly what Akashi is talking about.

Tell her about the anxiety, about the panic, about the attacks. Explain to her why they happen, and what he does when they occur.

"If it makes it easier, one or some of us can be with you when you decide to do it, but I suggest you do it soon."

Akashi's right, as much as Kuroko doesn't want him to be. His mother is dealing with enough at the moment without tacking this on. But if something happens, if he has an attack in front of her, it's going to be a lot more difficult to explain.

Still…

"Right," he says, "I'll talk to her within a few days. I'd rather things be settled a bit before I tell her."

Akashi nods and, without a word, the two of them return to the table.

Within the hour, everyone's parents have been called to pick them up or work out a way to get them home. Momoi and Aomine live close enough to walk, Akashi's driver is going to take Murasakibara as well, and Midorima's mother is on her way.

They pass the time in the front room. There's a movie on for background noise but no one's really watching it. Momoi and Kise keep the conversation running, entertaining Kuroko's mother with stories from practice.

Akashi and Murasakibara are the first to leave, Kuroko walks them outside, not expecting much of anything. Murasakibara ruffles his hair before getting into the car and Akashi squeezes his shoulder before following suit.

The two exchanges leave him standing on the street side a good two minutes after the car has driven away.

Momoi and Aomine leave soon after and they both pull Kuroko into a hug before they go.

He ends up standing outside with Midorima for a few minutes, just waiting. It's dead silent until Midorima speaks.

"I don't mean for this to sound callous but I think the next best step is to seek professional help," he says. "I don't mind talking through these things, or helping you through your attacks as I've been doing, but it will be more helpful for you in the long run to get help from someone who knows what they're doing. We're sort of wandering through the dark with this."

Kuroko barely has time to nod, let alone speak, before Midorima's mother arrives.

"Think about it," Midorima says. "I'll see you at school."

Holy Shit.

This is about a day late, I apologize, I ended up on an unexpected twelve hour roadtrip. I'm also running on a few hours of sleep and sheer will. In any case, I don't wanna gunk up this note so please check out the update on the tumblr blog if you wanna know what's gonna be going on for the next month or so.