Bug Princess and the Seven Months

A Beetlejuice fan fiction by Lady Norbert

Author's Notes: I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry. 2017 was really hard on me and 2018 isn't being a picnic either. But I'm trying. It doesn't help that my Dragon Age muses have basically taken over (looking at you, Varric Tethras). But I was determined that at the very least, I was going to get one new chapter out before I depart for my annual convention in May... so here you go.

(The convention in question is Zenkaikon, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. If you're going to be on hand, let me know; I'm a panelist!)

Chapter Four: This Is No Ordinary Apple

The hardest part of his impending uncle-dom, for Donny, was the difference in the way time passed.

He knew, of course, thanks to the strange setup of his brother's marriage, that the Neitherworld and the Outerworld operated on extremely different time tables. Lydia could be in the Neitherworld for weeks on end and have it go virtually unnoticed by the Outerworld. This had its advantages, of course, especially when Beetlejuice managed to drag her into a disaster; that time she was sentenced to wash dishes at the Resort of Last Resort was a perfect example.

For the matter at hand, however, Donny felt that the unequal time exchange put him at a distinct disadvantage. No matter how hard he worked to make time pass for himself, Lydia's pregnancy seemed to be advancing by mere inches by comparison. He spent a week visiting Uncle Sid and Aunt Irma; he undertook a goodwill mission at Prince Vince's urging to an orphanage not too far from the Middle of Nowhere; he even went to Sherwood Forest to find out whether the former Sheriff of Rotting-ham was still marauding. (He was.)

Yet with all of that, Lydia was only at the beginning of her fifth month by the time he returned.

"I don't mean to complain," he told Vince, sitting down on the dais next to the throne and looking just a bit forlorn. "I know these things have to happen in the proper time! It's just... really hard to wait."

"Oh, I quite understand," Vince assured him. He was lounged sideways in the throne, legs draped over one armrest, writing in his journal. "I've written a number of poems on the matter. You know, I'm considering producing a chapbook of some of my better poetry, perhaps as a welcome gift for our impending nephew."

"I'm sure Lydia will appreciate your thoughtfulness." Donny politely refrained from speculating about how Beetlejuice would respond to such a gift. Besides, he was fairly sure that Vince had a pretty good idea of what sort of reaction he could expect.

"Sweet the child of mother fair, black as night her raven hair..." Vince frowned at the page. "I'm not sure this one is working."

Donny chuckled. "You'll get it. You always do."

"Your vote of confidence is treasured as always, my dear friend." Vince smiled. "Are you planning a visit to the Outerworld? You mentioned after the anniversary party that you were considering making a sojourn, at some point."

"Yes, fairly soon. I'll be paying a call on the Fairy Godfather," Donny added. "He seems to think it's only right that one of us should go and keep Lydia company for a spell - it's a shame your duties keep you from coming with me."

"I know, I would love to return to the Outerworld. It was so enjoyable." Vince sighed. "And your brother has crafted the most delightful residence for his family. I suppose he'll be enlarging the farmhouse? As I recall, they only had one spare bedroom."

"They're turning that one into the nursery." Donny nodded. "Brother said he's thinking of building a matching guest house out near the garage, sort of a smaller version of the farmhouse. I think he wants to give their guests some privacy from baby cries and that sort of thing. It's remarkably considerate of him!"

"I'm impressed." Vince chuckled. "Becoming a father has had quite the influence on our rambunctious compatriot. Though I don't discount the other good influences he's surely had in yourself and Lydia."

"Aw, I don't do much," Donny demurred. "He's my brother and I love him. That's really all it is."

Donny was in a good mood when he left the castle a while later. He needed to go and see the Fairy Godfather; the 'benefactor of the Neitherworld' was really quite lenient about enabling both Donny and Vince, when the latter could spare the time, to travel to the Outerworld to see their respective siblings. But there were certain formalities which had to be observed, including offering the Godfather a token of appreciation. To that end, therefore, he made his way to the Marketplace Across the River from the castle.

He rather liked this particular venue. Unlike the Shocking Mall ("with grossness from wall to wall"), the Marketplace Across the River was more in line with a medieval market. There were tents and stalls of assorted sizes and colors, where merchants who were also of assorted sizes and colors could peddle their wares, which were also of assorted sizes and colors.

"The Fairy Godfather likes sweet things," he recalled, studying the assorted offerings. "And I really need to get something for Lydia, too, it wouldn't do to go empty-handed when I trespass on her hospitality."

The first objective was easily obtained; a delicious cake was sitting on center display at the baker's stall. But the second required some thought, because whatever he brought for Lydia couldn't stand out too obviously in the Outerworld. One never knew when her parents might drop in for an unexpected visit, after all, and he didn't want to force her to invent clever explanations for things if he could help it. Cake in hand, Donny made his way slowly through the Marketplace, studying each vendor's offerings.

"You look a bit lost, sonny," said a voice.

Turning, he saw an old woman standing behind the counter of a fruit stand. "Well, I don't think I'd say I'm lost, exactly," he replied, and then chuckled. "Lost in thought, perhaps."

"You're on the hunt for just the right thing, aren't you?" She smiled, a shrewd expression such as one might expect from a seasoned merchant. "Let me guess. A gift for a special someone?"

"My sister-in-law." Donny beamed proudly. "She's expecting."

"Ah, well, that's terribly important! You'll want her to keep in good health, yes? I might have what you need right here." The crone watched him with one good eye, gesturing grandly to her assorted fruits.

"Oh, what a wonderful thought!" He peered curiously at the baskets of berries and sweet nectarines. "You know, Lydia told me she has the most intense craving for apples. Do you happen to have any?"

"I'm afraid I've sold my apples," she replied in a regretful tone. Seeing his disappointed expression, however, she paused. "Well, most of them. I did save one for my own lunch," she admitted.

"Do you suppose you might sell it?" he asked hopefully. "I would hate to disappoint her."

The crone hesitated, and Donny put on what he hoped was his most charming grin. A twinkle came into the eye that peered at him, and she chuckled.

"Oh, who could say no to that face? Here you are."

Some while later, having essentially traded a delicious chocolate cake for passage to the Outerworld, Donny was knocking on the door of the Beetleman farmhouse.

"Donny!" Lydia gave a chuckle. "What a wonderful surprise. Come in, I was just going through some of my digital photos, but I'm happy to take a break."

"Well, don't you just have that delightful maternal glow about you," he replied warmly, stepping into the house. "Have you eaten?"

"Oh, not you too." She laughed. "Please don't tell me you brought me a beetle or something along those lines?"

"Oh, no. I leave that entirely to my brother the exterminator," he assured her. "I've brought you something else." With a flourish, he presented the large, gleaming red apple. "Direct from a very generous fruit seller in the Neitherworld!"

"That is so thoughtful, Donny, thank you! This is just what I've been wanting, and we ran out last night." Lydia led him into their cozy little kitchen and gesturing for him to sit at the table. "I admit," she said, getting a paring knife from the drawer, "I've heard of women having strange cravings while they're expecting - but apples? That doesn't seem so strange. But I can't get enough of them for some reason, I think it's driving BJ crazy."

"Well, it's not like Brother can get much crazier," said Donny affably.

"True. He won't shut up about the baby, though, it's starting to drive me crazy. He talks all the time about how his son is going to be a troublemaker just like him." She shook her head and cut a piece of apple. "This looks fantastic, thank you."

"That is my nephew you're toting around - or niece," he amended. "It's the least I could do for you."

Smiling, she put the apple piece in her mouth, chewing contentedly and swallowing. "That's del..." She blinked.

"Lydia?"

"Donny? Where did you say you got this from?"

"A nice lady selling fruit in the marketplace near Prince Vince's castle. Why?"

"I... I think there's something wrong... I feel... ooh..." She slumped sideways, almost falling out of the kitchen chair, and Donny dove to catch her before she could be hurt.

Donny managed to get her to the sofa, settling her as comfortably as he could, and kept saying her name, trying to rouse her. By the time his brother came home, she'd been out cold for over an hour and Donny was starting to grow frantic.

"She was eating an apple and passed out?" BJ said, frowning, after hearing about the events. He was still in the human disguise.

"Yes! And I can't wake her up!"

"Hmm." Looking suspicious, BJ picked up the abandoned fruit and sniffed. "Something's wrong. I can smell trouble, and it sure doesn't smell like an apple. Well, no sweat, Donny. I know how to fix this."

"You do?"

"Well, yeah. We've been through enough crap," he said calmly. "Lyds is a princess. Kissing a princess fixes everything."

"Are you sure?" This sounded really illogical to Donny, even coming from Beetlejuice.

"Sure I'm sure! Watch." Still calm, he walked over to the sofa. "Hi, honey, I'm home," he muttered, almost sarcastically, and proceeded to kiss his wife.

Nothing happened.

"Huh... that usually works." He tried it again. She remained immobile, almost lifeless. "Okay, something is really wrong."

"What do we do, brother? I feel just terrible, I had no idea there was anything wrong with the apple! I never would have -"

"Donny, calm down." BJ was doing a pretty good job of pretending he wasn't panicked. "I know you wouldn't hurt Lyds. I need to call in the cavalry, this is a little out of my area."

"The cavalry?" Donny repeated. "Who?"

"Friend of ours down in New Orleans. If I don't miss my guess, either she'll know how to put things in order or she'll know someone who does."