A/N: Some of you guys seem to be confused about what I meant in the last chapter! Basically no matter what male it is, Riley stays away from them except Lucas. If you read previous chapters that whenever Charlie touches her she shoves him away or moves away. Most victims of sexual assault no matter who the male is in their life, they do not feel comfortable. [Unfortunately I speak from experience] but I also have Lucas and Cory talk about it in this chapter. So no Josh did not attack Riley, sorry for the confusion. Enjoy!
Chapter 7
Girl Meets Tension
There is always tension between the possibilities we aspire to and our wounded memories and past mistakes - Sean Brady
Lucas stumbled through the streets of New York and tried to focus on the blurs of everyone around him but he couldn't. His eyes glued to his phone as his fingers shook over her name, Riley. For the past ten minutes, he tried to find the courage to call her, to find where she is and talk to her. Show that he wasn't worth her time and that Charlie was the guy for her because, in the end, Lucas would ruin her.
Bodies pushed him as he kept walking, no care to his destination and he tried to keep balance but he stumbled once more. His foot slipped off the curb and he stumbled right into the street and he could hear the blare of the taxi coming towards him.
"Lucas!" He heard her scream and his head snapped back.
He felt himself get pulled and the obscenity of the taxi driver but his eyes never left her face.
Anger had melted away in her eyes and fear bloomed in her deep brown eyes. The two people that helped him were talking to him but their gaze never broke. He didn't even realize that he ended up in front of her brownstone. She stood in the doorway of the brownstone locked on him and turned to the bystanders. He quietly thanked them and walked over to the brownstone. Before he knew it she had bounded down the stairs and engulfed him into a tight hug. He placed his chin on the side of her head and breathed in her scent. Yet it didn't last long and he could feel her tiny fist pound into his chest with haste.
"What the fuck is your problem!" She screamed at him and he allowed her to take it out on him.
It wasn't just at his almost accidental death, not even the last few days, it was the years and years of the games. She kept pounding in his chest but her hits became slower and held her tighter.
"I'm sorry, Riles I am so sorry," He whispered and she stopped.
He had called her Riles, it was so easy for him to do so as well. She looked at him her face tear stricken and she sniffled.
"What?" Her voice was soft and broken.
"I am so sorry about everything, for the last three years, everything, the cafe, hurting you, for being a fucking asshole … I am so sorry Riley," Lucas said and placed a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"I can't explain what's going on with me I think I'm self-sabotaging this because … you deserve someone like Gardener in your life not me Riles, and it's easier to pretend I'm not in love with you and live in fear that I'm not good enough for you" Lucas confessed.
Before he could continue Riley smashes her lips onto his. She snakes her arms around his neck to make sure he didn't pull away. Lucas took a moment he wasn't sure if he should shove her away or just let it happen. When his hands wrapped around her waist they melted into one another. His hands moved up her back and his fingers entangled into her hair. It had been so long that they had a moment so intimate. Years of emotions built into a moment and not of weakness. He knew she was kissing him because she wanted to not because she was vulnerable. He didn't want to but he pulled away.
"I love you, I'm so in love with you," Lucas panted as they placed their foreheads together.
Riley didn't respond he could see her eyes were closed and her chest rises quickly. He placed his hands behind her head and rubbed his nose against her.
"Riles I love you, it was always you," Lucas whispered and softly kissed her lips.
He pulled away and could feel her shudder when he did.
"I will always love you, all of me loves all of you," Lucas confessed.
His hands fell to her shoulders and then to her hands. She looked up at him, her blue eyes staring into his sparkled with tears. Her lips caught in between her teeth and her cheeks tinted red.
"I love you too Lucas" She whispered and their lips met once more.
"Riley?"
Riley barely opened her eyes when she heard her name was whispered. Riley rubbed her eyes and tried to make out the shape of the person in front of her. A shadowy male and Riley scrambled to her feet and could feel the walls close in on her.
"Riles it's me … its Auggie," Auggie whispered and walked over to the light switch.
Riley sighed and looked at her shaking hands. She thought she was getting better but this moment showed her it was false.
"Auggie what's going on?" Riley asked. Her back against the wall to feel grounded to the moment and remind her this was the reality.
"You tell me?" Auggie said and jutted his chin to her bed.
Riley looked over and saw Lucas asleep and spread across the bed. His clothes were on but his shoes were off and he had a quilt draped over his waist.
"I … Auggie … please don't tell," Riley whispered.
"I won't Riley, this was the first time I saw you sleep peacefully but you might want to sneak him out. Mom and dad aren't happy with you ditching again and if they see him they are going to blame him," Auggie said and Riley sighed.
"I'll be back" Riley whispered and walked out the room carefully avoiding getting near Auggie.
Auggie's smile faltered and turned malicious towards the sleeping figure. He waited till her footsteps faded away and walked over to Lucas.
"Get up!" Auggie hissed and Lucas groaned.
"Get up!" Auggie repeated and Lucas sat up to be met with the fury with the youngest Matthews.
"Auggie? Where's Riley?" Lucas yawned and sat up.
Lucas looked over at the preteen and could see he was fuming. His fist balled into one another and Lucas sighed. Auggie didn't say a word as Lucas slipped on his shoes in the tensed moment.
"Can you at least tell me she's ok?" Lucas whispered as Auggie's shoulders dropped.
"She's downstairs talking to our parents," Auggie gritted.
"Can you tell her I'll call her?" Lucas asked as he stood to his feet.
"What the hell are you doing?" Auggie asked and Lucas froze.
Auggie was only ten but the way he commanded himself, Lucas knew the maturity was beaming through.
"Excuse me?" Lucas asked bewildered.
"What are you doing Lucas? To my sister? She's not a toy!" Auggie snapped.
Lucas wasn't surprised that he wasn't on the Matthews favorite list but he was surprised that Auggie even had a care in the matter. However, he was reminded of when Auggie told Lucas he was Riley's only brother. He was young but very much aware of what was happening in his life.
"I know Auggie, I'm sorry for the last couple of years but I was dumb and an asshole and if I could take it back I would but that's not life. The truth is I'm in love with her and I self-sabotage because she deserves better," Lucas confessed.
"Okay," Auggie said and shrugged his shoulders.
"Just like that?" Lucas asked.
"You're going to need someone on your team when our parents find out besides … Riley … she's relaxed around you, she isn't so … hurt. She doesn't avoid you like she avoids us." Auggie croaked and tried his best not to cry.
"She needs time," Lucas whispered and placed his hand on Auggie's shoulder.
They heard the door creaked open and Riley popped her head into the room. Her eyes on the two and she sighed. Auggie's face broken and Lucas comforted him it warmed her heart but also terrified her.
"Um …"
Her voice broke the two away and they looked at her. She walked into the doorway and saw Lucas ready to leave.
"Would you like to stay for dinner?" Riley asked as Auggie turned to Lucas.
"What?" He asked.
"My parents know you're here, I talked to them … briefly but I would like it if you joined us, Lucas," Riley said and he could hear the hope in her voice.
"Yes, of course," Lucas said and stood up.
He directed Auggie towards Riley, and he could see both Matthews were fighting back grins. However, for Lucas, his heart thumped in his chest. He had to see Cory for classes but other than the occasional good mornings and quick pep talks about his grades, it wasn't the same. Furthermore, he had stopped going to Topanga's and when he did he made sure it was Zay who took his orders. The three bounced down the stairs as Auggie spewing something about school. Lucas was focused on not fucking up in front of the Matthews. They rounded the corner as Auggie finished with a dramatic jump and he could see Cory and Topanga setting the table.
"Auggie," Topanga said in a soft but threatening voice.
"Sorry, mom but I was just telling them about the big explosion in the science lab!" Auggie responses animated.
Auggie maneuvered to his seat next to his mom and help set out the silverware. Lucas shuffled backward and tried to figure out something to say.
"Lucas glad you can join us," Topanga said with a sincere smile.
Lucas turned to Riley who had a slight grin and walked over to the counter to grab the pitcher.
"Lucas you may be on their good side but I expect you to come in through the front door, understand?" Cory said with a smirk.
"Of course" Lucas stumbled out confused at what Riley could have told them.
Lucas knew that they knew of his actions for the last few years. Cory carefully avoided pairing the two for schoolwork, Topanga allowed Zay to always be the one to wait on Lucas. He avoided and so did they, so what could have changed in just a few moments. Before Lucas can think of a question the front door flew open. He watched the outgoing Ava Morgenstern walk-in smacking on gum.
"Hey cowboy you joining us?" Ava inquired as she spun around him to sit next to Auggie.
"Oh yeah," Lucas said and grabbed the pitcher from Riley and the glasses.
Riley was surprised at his actions and took a step back to admire his actions. He set out the cups as he sighed in a bit of relief. He had met Ava a few times but he knew with her there it wouldn't be too awkward, she was another person questions could be reflected to. He looked back up and felt her eyes steady on him and he smiled at her. Her eyes widen and she blushed in embarrassment.
"Chicken, mashed potatoes, roasted vegetables, and salad," Topanga announced as Cory helped place the dishes on the table.
Riley stood next to Lucas and he instinctively placed his hand on her lower back. He directed her to a seat and took the one next to her. He could feel that her parents watched their interactions with intensity. He couldn't blame them, he wasn't even sure what was going on.
"So what's with the awkwardness?" Ava asked still smacking on her gum.
Topanga gave her a pointed look and Ava pulled out the wad of gum. Ava rolled it between her thumb before placing it on the edge of her plate. Lucas watched Riley study the food but not make an effort to put anything on her plate. He knew what she was doing. Auggie passed him the mashed potatoes and Lucas took it. He could hear snippets of Auggie talking about what he told Riley and Lucas earlier to his parents. Lucas scooped some potatoes onto his plate and with a swish of his wrist some onto Riley's. The clank of the spoon to her plate made Riley jump slightly.
"I could have done that," Riley mumbled and picked up her fork.
Lucas scooped more potatoes on her plate and then passed it to Cory over Riley.
"Lucas this is too much," Riley said as she maneuvered the potatoes on her plate.
"Yeah but I didn't see you at lunch so I figured you would be hungry," Lucas lied.
He didn't want to give her an indication that he knew what was going on. However, he wasn't going to allow her to do it around him. Riley stumbled to get words out but she couldn't.
"Breast or drumstick?" Lucas asked as he placed the food onto his plate.
"Um I don't really want any," Riley said and Lucas placed a breast on her plate.
"Riles come on your mom cooked this for us, we should enjoy it," Lucas said and Riley tried not to smile but Lucas could feel the eyes on him.
Cory was watching them, while Topanga attended to the younger two, he stared at them with intensity. He could see Cory study their quiet moments and Lucas tried not to make eye contact. He didn't want to see the look of disappointment in his eyes, he didn't want to know that he let Cory down. Lucas let out a sigh of relief as Riley took a bite of food.
The next twenty minutes flew by and Lucas had enjoyed his time with the Matthews. He joked with Ava, gave Auggie advice, Riley teased Lucas about his manners, even Topanga asked him about school. The only one who didn't interact with him was Cory and that unnerved Lucas. Topanga had begun to clean up but Cory cleared his throat.
"I got this honey, Lucas help me?" Cory said and Lucas watched Riley walk with her mom over to the living room.
Lucas thought at least she isn't rushing to the bathroom and Lucas slowly stood his feet. He grabbed the dishes and brought them to Cory who was at the sink with the water running. Lucas placed the dishes on the counter and thought of what he could say but he couldn't think of anything, nor could he even begin to apologize.
"Mr. Matthews … I am sorry I-" Lucas stopped when Cory placed his hand on Lucas's shoulder.
"Lucas thank you, I know it's hard to even begin to understand why I am thanking you but … I watched you two tonight and I haven't seen that side of Riley in a long time Lucas, nor have I seen that side of you in a long time," Cory said and Lucas looked down at his feet.
"You're a great kid Lucas, and I don't know what is going on with you but we are here for you, and you're always welcomed here, but please don't break her anymore, she is fragile as it is," Cory continued.
Lucas speechless nodded and went back for more dishes. Riley was looking at them but talking to her mother. She couldn't have seen what they were talking about but her eyes peered into him. He gave her a smirk which made her blush and turn back to her mother. He turned back to Cory with the rest of the dishes.
"Also, thank you for making her eat," Cory whispered.
"Um …" Lucas hesitated. Was this his place?
"We know Lucas, we aren't oblivious to our children" Cory confessed.
"But why haven't you … confronted her?" Lucas asked and gripped the counter.
"Her therapist knows but if we confront it rather let her talk to us then … we could make her worse and Lucas we can't handle that, with the sexual assault and her depression, and the eating disorder we can drive her away with confrontation, we allow her therapist to be her confidante and remind her she's perfect the way she is," Cory said and sniffled back some tears.
"She told you about the assault?" Lucas whispered.
"She told Topanga, so Josh, Auggie and I are just respecting the boundaries she placed and hope she won't see us as threats just because we are men," Cory continued and tried not to get choked up.
Lucas felt his stomach turn as he knew Riley allowed him to hold her, kiss her, protect her and push away her family. However, it hit him as he realized Riley would shove Charlie away from her. How she didn't give Zay a hug or get too close to Farkle. It was right in his face and he would just shove her away.
"I don't mean to overstep on anything and I know I shouldn't be in her room but I promise we aren't doing anything inappropriate," Lucas began.
"You're welcome here Lucas just keep it PG and no more nap rendezvous and I expect to see you use the front door," Cory said.
"I'll respect that," Lucas said.
"I know you will because I was a teenage boy once, and also if you don't abide by my rules I'll flunk you," Cory said and cracked a smile.
Lucas chuckled and nodded at Cory. He turned around and leaned against the counter and watched Riley. She wrung her hands together nervously as Topanga attended to the other twosome. Her gaze met his and he smiled softly at her which prompted her to come over. The two stared at one another as Cory turned the sink off and turned to them.
"PG," Cory mumbled as he walked away which made Riley chuckle.
"I haven't seen you smile like this in a while Riles," Lucas said and her shoulders dropped.
"I haven't been happy Lucas," She responded.
Lucas sighed and watched her smile twitch away and her guards coming back up. Did he overstep with the nickname? He couldn't help it, it came out so easily for him but he knew it wasn't the same for her.
"I'm sorry," Lucas said and hesitantly reached for her hand.
Her body tensed and he slowly pulled his hands back from hers. He fucked up, he did something wrong as her eyes did not meet his. Instead, she turned away and stalked up to her room. Cory and Topanga glanced at him and he could see the fear in their eyes. Lucas bounded after Riley and saw her slip into her room. His knuckles grazed the door and he could hear her mumble to come in.
He opened the door and could see her sprawled across the bed.
"I'm sorry," Lucas repeated as Riley sat up.
"It's not your fault, I mean partly it is Lucas, but I haven't been happy since … that day freshman year," Riley confessed her eyes glazed with tears.
"Riley I … I can't take it back but if I could I would" Lucas said as he didn't move from the doorway.
"I have been playing this part for so long, who am I?" Riley whispered.
"Riley … I can't answer that but … I know that you're a beautiful person, inside and out,' Lucas said.
"I need time Lucas," Riley whispered and Lucas contorted his face in confusion.
"I love you," Riley said and Lucas could feel his heartbeat quicken.
His palms began to sweat and he could feel the blood pumping in his ears as he could feel the but coming out.
"But?" Lucas asked.
"But I can't love you until I love myself, I can't just pretend the last three years didn't happen and I am trying because you're one of the only people I trust right now but … I need to take a step back and look at everything." Riley said and her voice broke.
"Riley" Lucas began as he took a step towards her, her shoulders tensed.
"Yes?" Riley squeaked.
"I love you too and if I have to wait a million years to prove to you that … that assy part of me is gone … I will … I will do whatever you ask of me." Lucas said and leaned down to catch her gaze but away from her.
"Thank you," Riley said and he knew she was referring to both his respect for emotional and physical space.
"I should head home before it gets too late," Lucas said and stood to his feet.
Riley nodded mutely and kept her gaze on the floor.
"Riley?" Lucas called.
"Yes?"
"Can I kiss you?" Lucas asked as Riley looked up at him.
"I … um …" Riley stumbled as Lucas stared at her.
"On the forehead?" Lucas said with a slight smirk which made Riley roll her eyes.
"Yes," Riley said and held her breath.
He walked over to her and softly kissed the crown of her head and he could see her shoulders deflate. She was relaxed for a moment but he didn't take advantage of the moment. He walked over to the window and decided to break the rules one last time before he was sure he was going to make the change. Feet out the window on her fire escape he poked his head into her window. Their eyes met and he smiled at her making her blush/
"I'll text you, sweet dreams Princess," Lucas said as the malice from the nickname disappeared.
With a blink of her eyes, he was gone into the night and she laid back onto her bed. Her hands shuffling under her pillows till she pulled out the diary she tucked away. Onto her stomach, she flipped it open to a blank page and began to write.