"Seto, this is an intervention," Mokuba said, serious as he stood at the front of the conference room.

"I don't need an intervention," Kaiba scoffed, turning to leave but Roland blocked the door. "Move aside."

"With all due respect, sir, I think you should hear him out," Roland said after clearing his throat. His employer rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Just sit down. This won't take long if you cooperate."

Kaiba turned around and narrowed his eyes at his little brother, repeating, "I don't need an intervention."

"Seto Kaiba, you are thirty-two years old, unmarried, and, although it might be hard for you to accept, you are not going to live forever. If you want to keep this business in the family, as I know you do, you'll need to have an heir."

"I'm going to clone myself and my clone will be my heir," Kaiba answered matter-of-factly, arms crossed stubbornly.

"Using which method?" Mokuba asked, looking more exasperated by the moment.

"Somatic cell nuclear transfer."

"You know as well as I do that telomere shortening makes that inviable. Besides, human cloning isn't even legal yet."

"It's not illegal," Kaiba pointed out with a smirk, making Mokuba smack his palm against his forehead.

"Not yet," Mokuba grumbled. "The issues of an heir aside, I want you to be happy."

"I am happy."

"No you're not. You're distinctly unhappy, Seto, and I want to see you settled down like I am."

"Not everyone's cut out for marriage, Mokuba," Seto snapped, starting to glare at his brother.

"Just sit down so we can get this over with," Mokuba sighed, and Kaiba finally complied. "Roland, hit the lights." The lights flicked out and Mokuba pushed the button on the remote to turn on the projector.

"You prepared a powerpoint for this?!" Now Kaiba was the exasperated one.

"Yes." Mokuba stepped away from the wall and off to the side. "A powerpoint on why you can't commit to relationships," he said, reading the title he'd given his presentation.

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Kaiba raised an eyebrow at his little brother.

"Let's look at a timeline of your past relationships, shall we?" Mokuba said, going to the next slide as he ignored his brother's question. Seto's eyes grew wide.

"How did you know about—?"

"You and Pegasus?" Mokuba threw his brother a sidelong glare. "Or were you going to ask about you and Zigfried?"

"I was going to ask how you knew about me and Marik," Seto grumbled, leaning back in his chair in a posture of stubbornness.

"Let's start at the beginning." The next slide showed a picture of Seto and Pegasus, the one from when they released the first Duel Arena. "You two were 'together'"—Mokuba used air quotes around that word—"for three months before I was kidnapped and he tried to take over our company."

"It was strictly a business arrangement," Kaiba said dismissively, earning himself an unimpressed glare from his brother.

"A business arrangement that involved sex?" Mokuba asked, one eyebrow raised as he crossed his arms as well.

His brother was silent for a few moments.

"Yes."

"Moving on." Mokuba returned his attention to the screen and pushed the button on the remote to the next slide, which showed a picture of Marik Ishtar, the one taken for his entry in the duelist database created for the Battle City Tournament. "You slept with him after he kidnapped me—"

"And after you were free again," Kaiba interrupted, as if that made things better. "And it wasn't him, per se, it was his evil alter ego."

"Yes, the sadistic, psychopathic, evil alter ego." Mokuba rolled his eyes. "I still don't understand why that seemed like a good idea!"

"It was a one-night stand." Kaiba shrugged. "We were settling a bet."

"What bet?" Mokuba eyed his brother suspiciously.

"Do you really went to know?" Kaiba smirked at his brother, who just shook his head and went to the next slide.

"Then you had a stint with your secretary while we were constructing Kaibaland." Her picture came up, and it was the one from her I.D. card—when she still worked at KaibaCorp, that was.

"And what was wrong with that?" Kaiba genuinely didn't see a problem with it.

"She was your secretary!" Mokuba exclaimed. "Do you think I don't know that you two were hooking up during work hours?"

"It was stress-relief." Again, Kaiba shrugged.

Mokuba glared at his brother disapprovingly as he said, "Not only did you fire her when you two broke up, but you turned her over to the police for identity theft. What was that about?"

"She stole my checkbook and was forging my signature to use it." Seto's glare was dark and angry. "She got what she deserved."

"That's what happens when you date an employee." Mokuba glowered at his brother, then flipped to the next slide. "You and Zigfried shacked up after the KC Grand Prix. Care to elaborate?"

"One thing led to another," he answered indifferently. "It kind of just happened."

"And it just kept happening for the next few months," the younger Kaiba pointed out in annoyance. "So why did it stop?"

"He was too emotional."

"Any level of emotion is too much for you, Seto. Are you starting to see a pattern yet, or do I need to keep going and talk about the Spirit of the Millennium Ring and all the others?"

"How much research did you do for this?" Kaiba asked, attempting to derail the conversation.

"Don't change the subject with me, Seto! You have a tendency to sabotage yourself with every relationship you've been in, and it all starts with those you choose as your partners! You always remain completely detached because you choose people you couldn't possibly care about: an older business partner, a deranged psychopath, an expendable secretary, a long-time rival, an ancient spirit, a maid at the mansion—even your computer system for goodness sake! Do you not see what's wrong with this picture?"

Kaiba blinked at him with cool disdain before responding, "Even the computer was cheating on me."

"You are afraid to invest emotionally in other people, and I'm the only exception to that rule," Mokuba said quite seriously as he moved to stand in front of his brother. "That is why you don't commit to any relationships long-term."

"I fail to see why this is an issue."

"Because you're still as grumpy and miserable as you were when you were a teenager. I want you to be happy, and don't try to tell me that you are, because I know that you're not."

"As long as I have money and technology, I'm happy." Kaiba stood and started to leave.

"But what about an heir!" Mokuba protested.

"Obviously, the company will be going to you and your family," Seto said, tossing the comment over his shoulder as Roland stepped aside to let him leave. "Unless I can perfect cloning before then, of course."

Author Notes: I hope this was actually funny. It was supposed to be. It also came out kinda sweet, but I guess that's not a bad thing. This was kind of a throw-away story, not meant to be a masterpiece, but if you got a kick out of it, that's good enough for me. :)

Fun fact: the stuff I say about cloning is actually true. SCNT (somatic cell nuclear transfer) is how Dolly the sheep was cloned, but she lived a very short life and suffered severe organ failure towards the end of it, and this was caused by shortening of the telomeres at either end of the DNA strands transferred from the somatic cell of one sheep into the emptied oocyte cell of Dolly's mother. The legality of human cloning is also undetermined, but since cloning isn't truly viable yet, it's probably not going to be an issue for quite a while.