Harry Potter – Seven and Three Quarters

What if Harry went about life with a little more humor?

-First Year-

"Mr. Potter, I have been waiting for you"

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Your parents were extraordinary-"

"Tsk, I wouldn't know"

"-and you are equally wonderful"

"Wow, geez, that is way too much for an eleven year old to handle, don't you think, Hat? And by the by, a talking hat? Can this wizard thing get any more ridiculous?"

"... You have much... Er..."

"What was the deal? Ravenclaw for 'em smart, which I am plenty of, Hufflepuff is for 'em loyal, which, meh, Slytherin is for 'em assholes, which I can be some of the times, and Gryffindor is for 'em- Wait, you have two Houses for 'em assholes, what's the deal?"

"Mr. Potter, Slytherin and Gryffindor are not Houses for- For-"

"Assholes?"

"Yes, that. They are simply not"

"Eh, that's what I got from the people at the train on the way over. That and Hagrid"

"I'm sure that is not what they meant to portray"

"Whatever. Just stick me in Ravenclaw, will you?"

"Are you quite sure, Mr. Potter? Do you think you will, er, blend in? Ravenclaw is really about the pursuit of knowledge and-"

"And that's where I wanna go, so get to it. How does this thing work anyway?"

"Excuse me?"

"This Sorting thing. You just shout something out and my entire life it supposed to be settled for the next seven years?"

"That... It involves more magic than that, Mr. Potter, but to summarize-"

"RAVENCLAW!" - Harry screamed and jumped out of the stool. He removed the Sorting Hat and faced the shocked Hall - "Ain't that right, Hat-man?"

"... Let's just continue with the Sorting" - Professor McGonagall said after a beat.

-Second Year-

"So, is it just me, or can you hear this really hungry, murderous creature too?"

"If we can hear- What?"

"Don't mind him, Terry, he's being odd again"

"Oh, just like last year?"

"Do not dare, Potter, just don't"

"It's back to that now, is it? I am very disappointed in you, Patil"

"You are a horrible person and I cannot understand why were Sorted into Ravenclaw!"

"He Sorted himself, really"

"Thank you, Terry, someone here actually remembers things as they went down"

"Kind of difficult to forget the only self Sorting in all of Hogwarts history"

"I am still shocked no one thought about doing that before. But back to the voices in my head-"

"So now you have a murderous creature in your bonkers mind, what else is new?"

"Padma, no, don't let him affect you"

"... Oh Lord, Terry, he IS affecting me!"

"My work here is done. Now, if you will excuse me, I will go find the one other true Ravenclaw in this school"

"How do you always know the Gryffindor passwords anyway?"

"Let's just say I have a way with twins"

"... Ew"

-Third Year-

"Thank you for the information, Mr. Weasley, but let me just clarify a little point"

"Of course, Harry"

"This man... What's his name again?"

"Sirius Black"

"So... He got my parents killed, went off to jail, and somehow escaped?"

"… That's right"

"And now he wants to kill me? Why does he hate the Potters so much?"

"Er, Harry, really..."

"I mean, first my parents, and that is such a cunt move, and now me? Also, if he managed to kill my parents while they were in hiding, and to escape from jail, I imagine all on his own, how has he not come after me yet? He is clearly not incompetent at being a fearsome criminal"

"You are well protected, Harry, whether at your aunt and uncle's, or at Hogwarts"

"So I'm out in the open here?"

"What?"

"We're out in the open here! You just said so!"

"No, no, Harry, you misunderstood me, we are not-"

"WE ARE ALL VULNERABLE! SIRIUS BLACK IS COMING AFTER US!"

"Harry, no, stop! You'll make people nervous!"

"If a convicted murderer were coming after YOU, Mr. Weasley, wouldn't YOU want people to be nervous with you?!"

"... That is besides the point, Harry!"

"HA! So you admit it! YOU WOULD BE NERVOUS TOO AND WANT TO DRAG PEOPLE DOWN WITH YOU!"

Harry sniffed and took a dramatic turn to run off to his room. That would make people think about how they sprung something like his parents' killer coming after him, and in the meantime, he would put Hermione Granger's mysteriously brilliant mind to help him figure out the details of Sirius Black's case.

-Fourth Year-

"You know WHAT!"

"Mr. Potter?"

"No, no, you all need to shut your traps!"

"Why, excuse me!"

"I will not stand for this! I have been accused of all the things ever since I stepped foot in this school, my dogfather almost killed me-"

"Don't you mean godfather?"

"-a werewolf tried to eat me, and that isn't even he worst thing that's tried to eat me at Hogwarts – that would be giant spiders, by the way -, and now I'm being thrust into some Godless competition?! And believe me! If I WANTED to be a contender, I would BE a contender!"

"Really, Harry, please calm down"

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? Me? After everyone told me my dogfather wanted to kill me? After a troll after nearly smashed my head in? After a crazed elf almost knocked me off the broom I never even wanted to ride? After my name came out to participate in some deadly tournament?! WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD CALM DOWN!"

"Well, I guess he didn't put his name in the Goblet" - Cedric Diggory murmured to a nodding Viktor Krum.

-Fifth Year-

"Granger, you know I really admire your mind, you are the most Ravenclaw that has ever existed-"

"While you are the most Slytherin since Salazar Slytherin himself"

"-thank you, but regardless. You are bloody insane"

"Language"

"Piss off, and take your stupid little club idea with you"

"It is NOT a stupid club idea!"

"Don't fool yourself, it is stupid, it is massively stupid, I'm the only one brave enough to say anything, Merlin knows Weasley is not it"

"You are just scared to do something for someone else"

"Why, excuse me, Granger, I do plenty for other people, I will have you know, I just don't feel like helping you with your ridiculous little paramilitary club"

"Don't be ridiculous, Harry, why would I want to create a paramiliatary club?"

"Other than the fact that we might need it?"

"Wait, what?"

"I never said you don't have the right idea, because things are not gonna go well, Voldemort is bound to come back some time, you know"

"Don't say that name"

"Don't be difficult. But I am not getting anywhere near that mess, Umbridge WILL find out, and she WILL kick you so, if you will excuse me, I will not take part in this"

"You are such an ass, Harry"

"Boo hoo"

-Sixth Year-

"Hey, hey, Malfoy, don't walk away from me!"

"I am not walking away from you, Potter! I am running away, you are following me!"

"I am not following you, you are following me, you stalker!"

"What does that mean!"

"You would know, STALKER!"

"Stop it, Potter, this is getting more and more ridiculous, and you would know!"

"I would know?! You have been stalking me since the beginning of the year!"

"I don't know what that word means!"

"Well, you would if you weren't such a bag of wizarding dicks!"

"That doesn't even make sense- Oof! Get off me, Potter!"

"Don't worry, you're not my type, Malfoy!"

"Why, I am everyone's- That doesn't matter! Potter, off!"

"Not until you tell me what you want with me, why are you following me all over! You better tell me or I will sic Padma Patil on you, and if you really get me angry, Malfoy, I'll throw in Lovegood, and believe me, she is almost as much Hufflepuff as she is Ravenclaw, and more vicious than a Slytherin who just got cheated on by a Gryffindor, and you know how that goes"

"... Fine, fine, I will tell you, just. You are much heavier than you look, Potter"

"Well, all your stalking has been making me eat more, so, I am heavier than I would like to be"

"Lovely. Now get off"

-Seventh Year-

"You know, when I pictured the end of my Hogwarts years, I did not think it would be quite this explosive"

"Do you have to be cheeky even now, Potter?"

"Chill out, Patil"

"Did you just tell me to-"

"Now, now, please, both of you. My head still hurts"

"Sorry, Terry"

"Yes, sorry. But it was quite a spectacle, even you must admit it. You agree with me, don't you, Luna?"

"Of course I do, Harry"

"That does not count, she agrees with everything you say!"

"Don't say it like she's a dog"

"I am more of an owl"

"See? She knows"

"Regardless, it is quite inappropriate to say something like that in front of Terry! Terry, who's just survived a fall on the biggest game Hogwarts has ever seen!"

"Well, that is a big statement, Padma, and very inaccurate-"

"Terry, not now, I am protecting you"

"I hardly think he needs protecting, and while it may not have been the most incredible game Hogwarts has ever seen-"

"Shut up, Potter"

"-but considering it was the one and only game between all four Houses, Terry, you are the man"

"I am the what?"

"You people really need to start watching movies"

"Is that that muggle moving pictures?"

"Magical paintings all-! Never mind that. Terry, you were great, you're alive, and we have all passed our exams. Except you Luna, sorry, you'll have to fend for yourself next year"

"I will be fine, Harry, don't worry for me"

"Oh, it's not you I'm worried"

"Yes, it's everyone else who should be worried about Harry's protege left alone to her devices"

"Oh, don't be sour, Patil, we'll still see each other"

"That sounds more like a threat than a good natured friendly reassurance"

"Aw, and you know me so well, Patil"

"Bugger off, Potter"

"You know what?" - Madam Pomfrey said, frowning and putting her hands on her hips - "Everyone not on a bed must leave NOW, preferably starting with you, Mr. Potter"

"You'll miss me, won't you?"

"Yes, like an itch, now go"