Title: Just One of the Girls - Part One

Author: Capitain Lazar

Original Date: 14 November 2016

Now that Canon had been sent home, the Headquarters of the League of Extraordinary Jaune-tlemen had returned to its normal state… Completely insane.

Ghost was trying to strangle Justin, though, for obvious reasons, this wasn't working as well as he had hoped.

Farmer was trying to figure out how the new League issued scroll was working, and complaining loudly about "new-fangled technology" and "whippersnappers."

Househusband was in the middle of a heated argument with Magnis and Burnt about the merits of their choices in partners, a not uncommon occurrence, though one that was consistently awkward.

Jaded fell asleep on the couch.

And in the middle of all of it, was the Professor. Rubbing his temples, and desperately wishing for a cup of Faculty coffee.

That was when a letter appeared out of a hole in the fabric of reality, landing on the Professor's desk.

The room became extremely quiet. Except for Jaded's snoring of course.

The Professor gingerly took the paper, an expression of utter dread on his face.

"It's that time of the month again."

Back in Multiverse-616, Jaune was doing his homework in the library. At least, that was what he had told his team. In reality, he had gotten a mysterious note earlier, and he wanted to find out who sent it. It talked about needing a helper of some sort, and they said something about an eye-opener? It was just too weird to pass up.

Now, if only he could find the Historical Fiction section. It was somewhere around the Romance novels, wasn't it? Maybe he should double check the enclosed map again…

As he looked down, trying to find the place on the map, something large and heavy impacted against the back of his head with a loud "CLANG." Only his aura kept him from losing consciousness right away, but he was fading. And as he was fading, he could vaguely see his assailants… Two blonde men, one in a suit, the other in a dress shirt and black pants. Their voices sounded really similar for some reason…

"Dammit Asshole, why do you always use that stupid thing?"

"Just shut up and take his feet, will you? We need to get him to Headquarters ASAP. Wait, I just saw a twitch."

And then he knew no more.

Jaune woke up a few hours later to the sound of people arguing. He was a little groggy, and could taste a little blood in his mouth. What happened to him? The last thing he could remember, he was in a library, and then…

"I'm telling you, he'll be able to handle it! He's the only one of us who we can safely put into Professor-63's place! PA has to help handle the other threats, it's not like we can handle this without him!"

Professor… Where had he heard that before? Something about him and a note? What was going on, where was he! Slowly, he opened up his eyes. And saw… himself? Lots of himself? There was him wearing a suit, him in a dress shirt, an older him wearing a trench coat over a version of his armor, a version of himself who looked like a farmer, and someone who looked like his dad!

"He's not ready yet, remember the incident with the Yandereverse! If he couldn't handle that one without screwing things up, how could he handle this! Plus, he can't pose as the Professor! He's not old or studly enough yet!"

Wait a minute… That thing that happened a few days ago really happened? Was it real? He wasn't dreaming it or anything? He was a hero! He actually wasn't useless! Well, he did have that cookie, but apparently that wasn't real. Poor Yandereverse-13… Oh, where was he? Right, they obviously brought him back because they needed him. Something about taking Professor-63's place? Who was that? "Um, hello?"

The arguing stopped. Everyone in the room turned to face Jaune. Or was it everyone in the room turned to face themselves? Ah, it doesn't matter, the point is they were all looking at him.

The Professor got up and walked over to Jaune. "Welcome back, CJ. There has been an urgent problem in the multiverse, and we need your help." He put his hands on Jaune's shoulders. "You are the only person able to take this mission, can we trust you to handle it?"

Jaune thought about this deeply. On one hand, the last time they had trusted him with a mission, he saw Weiss beheaded, Yang losing an arm, Pyrrha getting stabbed, and Blake curling up into a ball. All because of a version of him. Not exactly the best first mission. On the other hand, it showed that they really trusted him! And this was a chance to prove that he could do what they needed him to do, and be the hero he always wanted to be! Slowly, and with a look of determination on his face, he nodded.

Professor patted his shoulder. "Good man, CJ. Now, let's get you briefed, shall we?" He turned to the bank of monitors behind his desk and pressed a button on his scroll. A group photo appeared on the screen, of women dressed similarly to the people in the room. They almost looked like his sisters in some way… "This is the Society of Jeanne. Our sister organization, in more ways than one. They handle much of the same problems that we do, except for universes designated as 63, or in other words, Genderbent. All the girls are men, and all the men are all girls. Do you follow me so far?" Jaune nodded. "Good. Now, obviously, we're girls too. And at the moment, in the Society Headquarters, it's 'that' time of the month."

The room let out a collective shudder. Living in a house with 7 sisters… They were all much too familiar with what happened.

After he regrouped, the Professor went on. "Now, there's been an incident in Professor Jeanne's universe, and they can't deal with the problem. So, we have to step in and fix it."

Jaune nodded, though he was still a little confused about why he was here. "So what's my role in all this?"

The Professor looked away for a second and said, "Oh, it's quite simple. You take the place of Professor-63, and we go deal with the problem."

Well, that sounded about… Wait a second!

"I am not cross-dressing!"

The Professor nodded. "I can understand your point of view, I've seen the footage from the Dance incident, but it's not like our sisters didn't do it to us before, right? "

"What are you talking about? What dance? And no matter what my sisters say, they never put me in-"

"CLANG"

The Professor sighed. This seemed to be a multiversal constant. "Well, while I can't agree with your execution, I suppose that'll work for now. Good job, Jaded."

"What are you talking about? I just got up and wanted to hit something with a frying pan. You're telling me it actually served a purpose?"

"CLANG"

"He twitched."

"CLANG"

"Twice."

When Jaune woke up (again), he was in a nice looking apartment. There was a kitchen, a living room, and really nice granite countertops. How did he get here? The last thing he remembered was something about him having to… Oh.

Reaching up a hand, he slowly felt his hair… His long hair. He walked towards the bedroom. And in the full-length mirror, he saw everything. His armor's chest bump, his new blue trenchcoat, and the eyeliner that they had put on his face. Well, crap.

His scroll buzzed. It was a restricted number. When he opened the message, it was an apology letter from the Professor. It basically said, "Sorry about giving you multiple concussions, here's how you don't reveal yourself as a person of the male persuasion, Good Luck!" Dick move, Professor. Dick move.

As he opened the attachment, he slowly became more and more horrified. Apparently, there was some kind of ice cream dwarf that helped him "train," unwanted attention from students, criminal ties, and an immense amount of paperwork to do! Not to mention the briefing on all of his friends!

"Rook Branwen will try to bed you at every opportunity. The Sexual Chocolate genes of the Xiao-Long clan are extremely strong with him. Approach with caution. Siegfried Schnee is a dick. Avoid punching his smug face, unless it's a combat demonstration. This also applies to Rook Branwen and Black Belladonna. Noah Valkyrie is extremely sensitive about his height. Avoid mentioning it unless you want to be the first non-sci-fi Jaune in space. Yes, Pyrope Rose is the perfect little brother. No, you may not take him home. In addition, Ozmerelda, Petal Port, Dr. Oobleck, Team CRDL, Yatsu, Vix, and Lie Rin are hot. It's not weird if you don't think about it too hard."

Seriously, this had to be the least glorious assignment ever.

"This is the least glorious assignment ever."

The Inner Circle was in the sewers below Vale, trying to find the anomaly. The Society of Jeanne had picked up hostile activity from the sewers, but their sensors weren't able to detect more than that. Which could mean any number of things. Bullshit semblance, new Grimm, stolen cloaking technology, you name it. Thus, the Inner Circle were going through the sewers the old fashioned way. One tunnel at a time.

"It's not that bad. Certainly not the worst thing I've done." Jaded, through some unknown means, was the only one wearing actual sewer gear. Much to the annoyance of everyone else. Especially Justin.

He growled at Jaded. "Oh, right, I forgot. Your life is the least glorious assignment ever. Let's all just go and leave this to you, shall we? You're an asshole, so you can deal with all this shit."

Ghost floated around Justin, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, I've never seen anyone cattier than you two. And I live with Blake. Get over it already."

Justin glared at Ghost. "Easy for you to say. You aren't down here with all this shit! Why aren't you the one down here, huh?"

Ghost rolled his eyes again. "We've been over this, I can't go too far from you, or else I get pulled back. It's not exactly the most fun feeling in the world, getting dragged through reality by your soul. And besides! We're possibly the most prepared Jaune's in the multiverse for this. What could go wrong?"

"HOLY SHIT, THEY GOT THE PROFESSOR! CLOSE RANKS NOW!"

"God damn it, Ghost."

By the time Jaune had finished reading the attachment, it was almost time for his first scheduled class. Something he was not looking forward to. Hopefully Professor Port would do all the talking, he certainly did back in Jaune's universe.

As he walked down the hall, he noticed he was getting a lot of attention. Some unwelcome attention from the male population, but still, a lot of attention. Apparently, this was one of the only ways he was popular… Be a teacher. Pfft, like that could ever happen at his age.

A sultry voice growled from his rear, "Hey Professor, did you just come back from a fire?"

Jaune turned around, dreading what he would see behind him. He was a few inches taller, and the lack of breasts and long hair were certainly noticeable, but there was no mistaking that smug smirk. Or those purple eyes. This had to be Yang's doppelganger. "Um, hello there… Rook? I'm perfectly fine, I just came from my room, why do you ask?"

Rook's smirk became even smugger if such a thing were possible. "Because you're smoking hot."

Even Jaune had to cringe at that one.

Rook paused for a second, looking confused. "Wait, is there a frog in your throat or something? Your voice sounds really deep today." Crap, he forgot about the voice!

Jaune coughed a couple times before replying in his best imitation of his mom, "Why yes, yes I do, though it's nothing too serious. Nothing to worry about, I'm perfectly normal, totally fine…" A thought struck him, "Shouldn't you get to class? It's getting close to your first period, isn't it?"

He waved off the suggestion, "Nah, I've still got time. I just wanted to say hello to my favourite teacher…"

"Rook, stop flirting with the Professor! We need to get to class!"

A young boy dressed in red appeared next to Rook. Though he had a shorter haircut and was wearing jeans instead of a combat skirt, this had to be Ruby's counterpart. He somehow still looked cute, though not in the same way as Ruby. Somehow it was less appealing, though.

Rook caught Pyrope in a headlock and began to noogie him playfully. "Aww, come on bro! I just wanted to have some fun! Xiao-Long's it been since we last had a chance to talk anyways!"

"Last I checked, about 12 hours Rook." Wait, when had Blake… Oh, that wasn't Blake. This version of Blake was wearing a baggy zip-up hoodie and a pair of black pants… The bow was apparently not an option here. He looked bored. And tired.

"What are you dolts doing! We have class in 1 minute!" Owww… His ears! That voice was so shrill, so bitchy… Who the hell was that! Some guy wearing a white suit and a red cumberbund, with a scar over his eye, he looked like an utter… Oh, wait, that was Snow Angel? How! This had to be some kind of glitch, right? Yup, totally just a minor universal glitch. No way he would judge someone on something as superficial as gender…

"Wait, that soon? Crap, we really need to go, see ya Professor! Just look for Rook when you want to have a good time!" With that, the rest of team… Wait, what was their name? Still RWBY? No, Yang wasn't Yang. What were they?

"Team RBBS away!"

Well, Rubies wasn't that bad.

This was not going to be an easy mission.

"This is not going to be an easy mission."

The Inner Circle were surrounded. All exits blocked. Their leader had been captured. They were literally in the dark, and all they could see were glowing eyes and writhing tentacles.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff, work it harder, HARDER!"

And Jaded was being an asshole.

"Dammit Jaded, look below their waists! They literally have spider bodies! With hard shells and spikes!"

"Don't you dare take this away from me Magnis! They have exposed titties, so let me have this! I haven't been on a mission in months, dammit!"

"THEY'RE CLOSING IN, SWORDS AT THE READY, MEN! WE WILL NOT FALL TONIGHT!"

"They were closing in, I was surrounded on all sides, but the beasts were no match for my sheer audacity!"

Port's class was still a universal constant, it seemed. He wasn't sure what he had expected at first, some kind of change, maybe actual information during the lessons? Then he had entered the classroom. All he saw was a voluptuous woman, with long silver hair, and as she turned, her face was just as beautiful as… And there was the moustache. Dammit. Luckily, she merely smiled and waved a cheery "Salutations Jeanne!" at him as he went over to his seat. He was still twitching slightly at the time, though he had managed to wave back. Seriously, it was exactly the same!

"And as the mighty Goliath charged, I stood my ground, the beast coming at me like the oncoming tide, and I raised my weapon high!"

At least this gave him some time to get more familiar with the people he knew in the room. His old team was sitting together, though instead of himself, a male Velvet was there. What was his name again? Samite? He looked like he was trying to stay away from his team… Which also contained a smoking hot version of Ren. Who he was trying not to think about, and yet was already imagining with bunny ears… Dammit, down boy, down! Luckily, the long coat and scroll hid it well enough.

Back to the rest of the team. Noah, formerly Nora, apparently, was about the same, although he seemed to be a little more awkward around Rin, Ren's double. They were close still, although Paris, Pyrrha's look alike, seemed to be having problems. He was trying to stay close to the rest of the team but looked lonely… It looked like he wasn't able to be as close to Noah and Rin, for obvious reasons. And Samite seemed to be aloof from them. Why was Samite on his team anyways? He was in the second year!

Sigh… Things just kept getting weirder.

"This just keeps getting weirder!"

The Inner Circle had successfully rebuffed the spider abominations, but they didn't have time to rest, as they realized that they still were missing the Professor. Oh, and Jaded had disappeared too. Apparently, he had managed to grab one's chest from behind, and had ridden it off down a side tunnel, screaming "I GOT ONE!" all the while.

After careful deliberation, taking a total of 5 milliseconds, they decided to abandon Jaded and go after the Professor. That was when the new wave of monsters came in.

It was an unholy abomination, something that deserved to die in a hole somewhere, a creature horrifying beyond all belief.

Grimm girls.

Not full Grimm, but some kind of half-Grimm hybrid, some dressed in tight-fitting turtlenecks and talking in an obnoxious accent, some wearing slutty clothes and yelling about "Snu-snu." Not a pretty sight.

"GROOKI WANT SNU-SNU!"

Househusband was using a mop and spray bottle to devastating effect. "Back off you vile beast, I have a wife, dammit! Eight wives!"

"Like, just get inside me already! I'm, like, totally in heat right now."

Justin just adjusted his shades, and in one fluid motion cleaved the girl in half. "Wish granted."

But as he delivered this devastating one-liner, another one snuck up from behind. And grabbed Ghost's teddy bear.

"Oh, MY GOD! Look at this Cheryl! It's so cute!"

"BEAR DOWN, I REPEAT, BEAR DOWN! JUSTIN, HEEEELLLLPPP!"

"Ghost? Ghost!? GHOOOOOOSSSSSTTTT!"

"Wait, I forgot. I can just get out of the bear. Nevermind… "

"But how are you going to get back to your universe?"

"... Shit."

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Port's class was over. Apparently, according to the notes he had read on his scroll, his old team was now team RVNS. Led by Rin. Not that Jaune was that surprised, Ren always seemed like he was better suited to the role of leader. But somehow, his team didn't seem any better off.

Samite, this world's Velvet, had gotten injured on a mission with his old team, team CVYS (What was with all the plural team names?), and it led to him being set back a year. He was not happy about it and took it out on his team.

Jaune got a headache just thinking about all of the problems this world had. Seriously, what next?

With a heavy sigh, he went back into his room... Only to be greeted by a foot flying at his face.

"Eep!"

He barely managed to duck under the strike, but his assailant refused to let up. He was barely able to fend off the barrage of kicks and… Umbrella strikes? A brown and white umbrella. With a really sharp tip. This had to be the ice cream dwarf that they mentioned in the attachment.

As he thought this, there was a sound like glass shattering, and he was hit in the back of the head by an elegant white dress shoe. Oh, right. The dwarf could teleport.

When the room finally stopped spinning and he opened his eyes, he found himself staring into the face of a kid who looked like he was about 12 years old. A pair of inquisitive pink and brown eyes stared into his own.

"Um… Hi?"

The boy looked confused, pointing to the back of Jaune's head.

"Uh, I guess I wasn't ready for the kick?"

The boy rolled his eyes, giving the nonverbal equivalent of a "Duh."

"I'm... a little off my game today?"

The boy shook his head, looking exasperated. He teleported over to the table and pointed at the freezer.

Jaune was confused. What did he want? Why was he here? How did he get into this situation? Why was there an ice cream dwarf torturing him?

Oh. Ice cream dwarf.

He walked over the the freezer and looked inside. It was completely packed with ice cream, of all different brands and flavors. Burnt Alaska, Pink Lemonade, Neapolitan, you name it. He looked back at the dwarf, who now had his feet on the table, and was balancing precariously on the back two legs of the chair.

"Any particular flavor you want?"

The boy rolled his eyes into the back of his head. Then he pointed to his hair. It was pink, brown, and white.

"Neapolitan?"

The boy clapped sarcastically, and mimed giving him a trophy.

He didn't have to be such a dick about it, sheesh. So rude…

Jaune set the bowl of ice cream down in front of the dwarf. As he turned around to walk away, he heard a snapping sound in his rear. When he looked around, it was the dwarf. He was pointing to the ice cream, then his open mouth.

"You want me to feed you? Really? What are you, 12?"

The dwarf just kept pointing. Mouth, spoon. Mouth, spoon.

Jaune sighed. This was going to be a long day.

"This is going to be a long day…"

The Professor was tied to a chair in a room off the sewer. There was a single bulb flickering above him, and he didn't know where he was, or what the rest of his team was doing. He couldn't even tell how long he'd been in this room. Minutes? Hours? How could he even tell anymore. What was he going to do if he never got back to his world?

A worse thought suddenly dawned on him. What if he died a virgin!

The door at the other end of the room opened, letting in a dark figure, as tall and statuesque as a goddess, and yet as black as the night. As she entered the room, Jaune felt a profound sense of dread and fear, the likes of which he had never felt before.

"Professor Jaune Arc of Beacon… Leader of the League of Extraordinary Jaune-tlemen, are you not?" The figure's voice was like ice, cold, and hard, but he could hear a subtle rage behind the words.

"And if I am?"

"Then things are all the worse for you. It was bad enough when you had the professorship at Beacon, but with two prestigious titles? You have no excuse for your actions."

"And what actions would those be?"

"The actions that haven't given me any grandbabies yet!" The figure came into the light. She had a pale face, almost white, with a network of black veins running across it. Said face was contorted into a mask of rage.

"You have no excuse young man, I fed you, I cleaned you, I crushed your enemies, and I changed your diapers," A tear ran down her face, "And this is the thanks I get! You should be ashamed of yourself Jaune! I thought I raised you better than this!"

Jaune sighed. "For the last time Salem, you raised one alternate version of me. Why don't you talk with Jaded or Burnt instead?"

Salem waved him off. "No, they don't have the skills to raise a child." She glared at him. "You, on the other hand are a perfect catch!" She counted on her fingers, "Responsible, good income, steady job, what's not to like!"

"The fact that I'm not actually a professor and I can't date my students?"

She waved him off. "That doesn't matter. That Cinder girl was a promising prospect. She wouldn't care! She's an excellent choice. Responsible, manages money well, extremely attractive..."

"And a criminal psychopath with stolen magical powers?"

"What matters is that her heart is in the right place!"

"She literally wants to watch the world burn!"

"She has a kitten charity!"

"And a Kitten-Killer 9000!"

"That's just a name!"

"She took down the entire CCT!"

"It was a protest against the slow network speeds!"

"It caused Beacon to be utterly destroyed by a dragon!"

"Kevin is a good boy!"

"Who destroyed the top of the headmaster's tower?"

"He has trauma associated with penis-shaped chairs! And Ozpin infuriated him."

"How is that even possible? He's a dragon!"

"I don't need any lip from you young man! I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

"Multiversal version of me, not me!"

"Close enough!"

"No, not close enough!"

Salem opened her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted by a loud noise from outside. It almost sounded like an asshole was riding a spidertaur down the sewer.

Salem and Jaune just stared at the door in shock, as moans and smacks could be heard from the other side. After the noises reached a crescendo, there was only silence. A few seconds later, the door opened up.

"Hey Prof. What's up?"

Author's Note: I LIVE. Hello there everyone who is actually reading this, my name is Capitain Lazar, also known as Stuck at Home Tome. This is my first published foray into publishing fiction, and I am desperately looking for feedback. Seriously, I would be on my knees if I didn't have to type. I am also the reason that this fic hasn't updated in over two months. Sorry about that. The gap will be much smaller this time, and this cliffhanger will be over soon. I've just been having life get in the way, so I figured I might as well make this a two parter. I have the plot for the rest of this, it's just a matter of writing it down.

Hope that this made you chuckle,

Capitain Lazar

PS. Yes, I know it's misspelled.

Wow, it's been a while. But it's okay, all that extra time went into creating a quality chapter for all you good people.

Because yes, that is absolutely what happened, don't look at me like that.

-Zonk