Author's Notes: Okay, so I feel like I say this a lot, but I didn't plan to publish this. Bekka Summers (nee Boudreaux) is an original character set in an alternate universe. Oh, and she has no super powers. But she's connected to several X-Men, and the more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. What must life be like for a "normal" person living with telepaths and psychics and people who can fly? If you haven't read my 'Raven Legacy' stories, you're going to be confused. Sorry, you just are. This girl doesn't explain much because she lives in her head and this is all her voice. If you're familiar with my other stories, this takes place after 'Raven Legacy: Coming Home' and before 'Vicarious'. Bekka, I'm so sorry I side-lined you. Your story was an important piece in the narrative and I should've committed to it sooner. Mea Culpa.

Seven Years His Beloved

We're fighting again. I swear it's all we do anymore. And it's all my fault, I know it is. I'm a seventeen-year-old female – why is sex so hard for me? I should be able to just close my eyes and lay there, right? I've watched a few pornographic films – the real thing is nothing like that. (For starters, people have body hair…) But I just can't do it.

Nate spends ages getting me ready, and I want to, but once he penetrates me, my body clamps up and it hurts. I wish he'd just fuck somebody else. I told him so.

"I don't want anybody else!" he says. "I want to make love to my wife!"

Is it really me? Or him?

I have to know. I go see General Osuwu, who courted me when I was single. In his eyes, I am un-bedded, and therefore unwedded. He's handsome and his kisses excite me, but we don't make love. The idea suddenly fills me with hate. I don't want him. I want my husband.

Determined to resolve this, I go home. He resists me at first. Surely, he is tired of fighting, too. But he's also tired of being lonely and frustrated. I can feel how much he wants me. We go into our heads, on the astral plane, and there, he makes love to me. Our bodies follow, and sweet mercy, it works! How have I ever lived without this wonderful thing?

"Is this okay?" he asks every time he impales me. "Oh, yes," I whisper. His thumb, firm and warm, finds the center between my legs and when he touches me there, it's like electricity jolts through me. I don't know what's happening, but it's embarrassing. He tells me it's okay. The shock builds and builds and I finally shake uncontrollably, calling out for him. I'm so afraid and ashamed – this isn't normal. But he's clearly pleased. He holds me close and quickens his pace, pressing his heavy shoulder against my neck. It's getting hard to breathe but I don't dare call out. I will be happy to die here. Then he groans and shutters, spilling his seed on my fertile womb.

How unlucky I am to conceive so easily.

"What do you want to do?" he asks.

"Can't keep it," I say.

He promises to arrange everything and make the abortion as easy as possible. But we change our minds. I talk to this baby in my head and grow to love it. One night while we're making love, he says "I want to have a baby with you", and suddenly, I've never wanted anything so much in my life. I do not cancel or attend my appointment and people begin to notice.

With the gossip comes a rumor that General Osuwu might be my child's father. Nate learns that the General himself is responsible for these claims, and threatens to challenge him to a fight. Ridiculous! If my husband wins, by law, he replaces the General as Crown Prince. If he loses, he has lost face along with pride. Besides, the paternity will be obvious once my baby is born with skin as white as snow. My husband is a doctor, a man of reason, I expect more caution from such a man!

"No!" I tell him. "No fighting! You are father."

"Damn straight! That asshole isn't going to talk shit about my wife and get away with it!"

I wish he wouldn't speak this way. It makes him appear less intelligent, but I know he's already angry and doesn't need to be corrected.

Instead, I sign: 'This is all an innocent misunderstanding. I saw the General the day we made a baby. Someone must've seen me leave. I cannot believe he'd slander me. Palace gossip. Nothing more.'

"But you weren't alone with him, were you?"

'Yes.'

"In his apartment?"

'Yes.'

"Why?"

I can see his brows pull together and his shoulders rise. He's furious, but I'm convinced I can make him see reason. So I sign: 'I wanted answers about why I couldn't… with you. I wanted to know if every man was the same. But when I went to him, I got sick. In my heart and in my arms, I wanted only you.'

He calls me names I won't repeat. And in case I don't believe his rage, he throws and breaks things, too. We're both crying. I try to explain, but every time I speak, he only gets angrier. Finally, he leaves, and I clean our little house by the village. He doesn't come that night. Or the next.

The hospital, where he works, comes to visit and says he has not been there, either. He runs the pediatric unit – he is very important. We cannot let the hospital down.

I go to the palace, where my sister lives. She's a mutant who knows things, so I don't bother to lie to her. I hope she'll help…

"Of course you experimented!" Honor says. "He married a seventeen-year-old girl. What did he expect? Listen, baby girl, you need to move in with me."

"He left me?" My body is suddenly filled with lead.

Softly, she says, "A pregnant woman shouldn't be living alone. And when the baby comes, Tess and I can help… Don't focus on what you don't have. Let's just be happy we have a new little one to look forward to."

I know she's right, but leaving our little house breaks my heart. We planned to make the extra room a nursery. All our dreams are dead. How can I hurt so much and keep living? This grief feeds my unborn child. It will never be happy because of me. I know this but I cannot stop hurting. I am a terrible person.

Where is Nate? If he's really left his life behind, then he must've left the country. But how? We're both prisoners of Wakanda. I killed the old king to install the new and Nate killed to protect me. Only King David keeps us safe. According to everyone else, we're murderers. And it's true, I know it is. I'm a born killer. I thought I was eternally condemned for my tainted blood… Until Nate. He was so kind and it gave me hope for good things. Guess I know better now.

I want to have my own house one day. My military job won't afford that, so I run for political office. Yes, me. It's as simple as joining a party, and come election, my party wins seven seats in the parliament. They decide to give one to me. It takes very little of my time, but requires me to fly to New York for a funeral. I arrange to meet Nate's father there.

Scott looks sadly at my round belly and says, "Nate joined a rescue mission to retrieve Rachel from deep space. She sent out a telepathic SOS the night you two fought. I hope you don't mind that he told me. I tried to stop him, but you know how stubborn he can be. He… may be gone awhile."

He's already been gone for five months.

Our daughter's born in August. I swear it's the hottest day Africa ever cooked up! Much to my sister's consternation, I deliver in a hospital.

"No Boudreaux woman's ever gone to the hospital for a baby!" she fusses.

I pay her no mind. My husband is a doctor – I know what he'd want. Perhaps the drugs help too much, but birth is hardly worth all the drama people give it. As I leave, I find a crowd has gathered with gifts. I don't know these people. There is no hospitality to rival Wakanda's. They take pictures and rush to touch my baby's head.

"Boy or girl?" Someone asks and I tell them. "Her name?"

Nate and I never discussed it, but I know what he wants. Both of our mothers are gone, but this little one will carry on their names.

Madelyn Belle.

My sister's palace apartments are spacious, but now we have two babies. Her son, Roman, was born eleven months to the day before Maddie Belle. When she cries, he cries. When he cries, she cries. Her cry is soft and sweet like a lamb, but Roman is robust like an ox. My sister and her wife haven't a maternal bone between them! I'm always tending Roman (so he doesn't cry and make Maddie Belle cry). Do you think she shows me any appreciation?

"Don't spoil them!" she tells me. "Babies don't need to be constantly cuddled."

Yes they do, I think, but keep quiet.

After forty days, I'm anxious to return to work. My regiment is being stationed in Turkana to help stabilize the region. It's far enough away from the palace that Maddie Belle comes with me.

I teach the locals to strip and clean a gun; they teach me to tie a sling to hold Maddie Belle. My regiment patrols the border and captured bandits are given to the locals for justice. We are so productive here. So content. Palace life means fighting for position, but life in the wilderness is as it should be – fighting for survival. One day I catch a local woman breast-feeding my daughter. She means well, I know, but AIDS and HIV are prevalent. Nate would never have allowed this to happen.

My sister calls. "Go out to the cornfield tonight. Your father's gonna be there."

My father? My father walked out of my life when I was Maddie Belle's age. I've been told his name is Bishop, but I've never seen a picture of him. Nor do I want to. Still, I go. Maybe he needs my help.

He leaps through a tesseract, surveys his surroundings, and sees me. He is tall, strong, and hard as a boulder. I must look like a helpless local. An 'M' shaped tattoo (or maybe a scar) over his right eye turns away. He dismisses me for a second time. He's talking to a hand-held machine, touches it, and then he is gone again.

He didn't even recognize me.

Why would Honor do this to me? What's the point?

A few days later, I realize. Nate is back – he's at the palace and he's coming to Turkana. I don't want to see him, but I cannot let his daughter be a stranger to him. She will never feel what I felt in the cornfield.

It's dark when he arrives. I shove Maddie Belle between us – I will not look at him. I refuse. She's six months old now and he's clueless, but she clearly adores him. He does not deserve her love. I show him how to bathe her and feed her cornmeal paste. She pulls impatiently at my shirt (she knows it's time to nurse), and because I've been doing this for so long, think nothing of nursing her in front of him. But I regret it. I feel his eyes burning into me. His presence fills our little shack as if he's always been here.

"Bedtime," I say, still not looking at him. "Say goodnight and go."

He kisses Maddie Belle goodnight, but after I put her to bed, he's still there. I say nothing and stare at his feet.

"I never meant-" he started, "I'm sorry."

'Liar!' I sign, not trusting myself to speak. 'Deadbeat. Get out!'

"I won't leave you again. That was the biggest mistake I ever made. I was so mad, Bekka, I thought I could kill you. So I ran away. I'm sorry. I wish I'd been a better man, but I wasn't. I thought about you and the baby every minute of every day."

His voice is thick and I can't stand it, so I rip out my hearing aids.

'If the Phoenix hadn't merged with me, I'd still be lost.' His thoughts are in my head.

After SHIELD realized what we'd done, Nate was forced to undergo a surgery that robbed him of his mutant powers. He had been an omega-level telepath. Losing that power had been difficult, but apparently he had gained it back. He has everything he ever wanted now.

'That's not true. I did it for you. And the baby. All I want is my family back.'

'Get out of my head!' I sign.

He hesitates, but he stops thinking in my head. I know I must give him something in return, so I raise my eyes to meet his. For the past year, I've remembered his eyes burning with hatred for me. Now they are remorseful and burning with desire. I see his lips say 'You're so fucking beautiful', and something hot melts from my belly down through my legs. I notice a bulge in his pants and leap into his arms.

His kisses, his touch, his flesh – 'good' is an understatement. I reach down his pants, pull out his erection, and mount him in a haze. It's like we'd been crawling through the desert, dying of thirst, and happened upon a crystal blue lagoon. We didn't even bother to drink, just jumped in and inhaled. We are happy to perish here.

The orgasms are consistent – for both of us. It's been too long. I can't even enjoy them, they come too fast and I'm immediately strung tight again. Women can climax repeatedly, but what the hell's going on with him? Is this his cosmic entity?

His hand lightly covers my mouth and he puts a finger to his lips, telling me to be quiet. I put my hearing aids back in. Has my regiment overheard? At least the baby's still quiet.

"Never been like this," I say as he mounts me from behind.

"We've been apart too long. Making up for lost time. Uh – I've gotta come again. Turn over, I wanna come on your breasts."

"Nooo, need it inside."

"It's getting messy."

So I take him in my mouth and swallow his seed. By the end of the night, I'm covered in it.

I think all our problems will vanish. They don't. An almighty cosmic force doesn't adjust well to life in a small African providence. This man snaps his fingers and cures what my husband so diligently nursed. And this man doesn't even care. He wants to fly around the world and back into space, but I have a duty to this country and my family. Worst of all, he is neglectful of Maddie Belle. I don't understand how a man can be so bad with babies when he's clearly so good at making them.

"Are you stupid or just plain forgetful?!" My sister rages when I tell her.

I'm pregnant again.

It's the worst year of my life. Somehow, news of my near-abortion gets released, and I lose my parliamentary position. I'm sick and exhausted all the time. Maddie Belle cries, but my idiot husband and heartless sister walk by her to find me and inform me that she's crying. Why is my body failing me? I can't even report to work, and my regiment is re-assigned. Nate comes home from work and doesn't understand why I can't clean or cook or tend the babies. He says awful things and I don't even have the strength to fight him.

Roman crawls into my bed and watch as I weep.

"Will miss you most all," I tell him.

If my husband thinks I'm still that girl who gave her heart, watched him rip it to shreds, and cleaned up his mess while he abandoned me to misery – he's an idiot!

King David has many fine qualities – generous, kind, and wise. He knows I helped him get his position. He considers me a national hero and does everything within his power to help.

He gives me an apartment in the palace. Maddie Belle is given a nanny, Mama Baba, and I receive a maid. Every day, the apothecary brings me a brew that soothes my nerves and helps me gain weight. But most importantly, I have independence. No Nate. And no Honor.

My sister is clever; she knows how to weasel back into my life. Roman brings me gifts "for the baby". She takes the kids out or Mama Baba does. We take Maddie Belle and Roman for formal portraits to hang in our homes. Before long, she is "helping" me build a crib and "suggesting" job posts abroad. And eventually, she brings up Nate. I know that's been her goal all along.

"Are you going to call him for the birth?"

I shrug. My life is much easier without him.

"Bekka," she whines, "This isn't just your baby."

"Not yours, period."

"He could make life difficult for you, but he hasn't. You've got to throw him a bone. At least let him see Maddie Belle. I know she misses her daddy."

It's true. Bullet-proof windows and security guards could never stop the Phoenix, but he hasn't launched a full-scale assault. He's been quiet and cautious. Perhaps his life is easier without me, too. I let him take Maddie Belle on his days off, although it hurts. Who am I without them? No one of worth.

On Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, I go to sleep in labor. Around midnight the contractions wake me, and I bang on the wall for Mama Baba. She brings a midwife – no hospital this time. My sister was right (I will die before I tell her); babies come easily. The pain is brief, but so intense this time.

A boy. I name him Luca – a name for hope.

Maddie Belle is disappointed. She wanted a baby sister. But Roman is delighted; he is such a lonely child. My sister visits and I know what she will say.

"When's Nate coming?" she asks.

I hate that man, but he has a right to see his son. I say, "Whenever he wants" knowing she'll call him immediately.

"I wish you'd called me when you went into labor," he says. "I would've come at any time."

"You didn't want this child," I remind him.

He swallows thickly. "I thought I didn't. I miss you-"

"Luca." I nod to the sleeping infant. Usually, Mama Baba or I hold him. Babies should always be held, but I don't want to touch Nate by handing over Luca. So I put him to bed.

Of course, he cries when Nate lifts him. I warm a bottle and hand it to him.

"You're not breastfeeding?"

I say nothing and let him figure it out. My milk hasn't come in yet so Honor showed me how to make a bottle. I suppose she knows a thing or two about babies after all.

In the quiet, I pick up my knitting. Disgustingly domestic, I know, but during my pregnancy, I was too sick to even think. Tedious housewife work gave me a sense of accomplishment. I hope to be assigned to a regiment in forty days, but in the meanwhile, I make booties and hats for Luca.

"Hey there, little man," Nate says quietly. "You don't know my voice, but I'm your daddy. I'm so glad you're here. I've been waiting all my life for you. You're the whole reason I was put on this planet. You and your sister… My dad was a real piece of shit. Walked out on me and my mom when I was a baby. Always said I'd be a better man, but it's harder than I thought."

We're both crying, but he's sobbing uncontrollably. I'm worried he'll hurt the baby. Mucus is running down his face – if Maddie Belle sees him like this, she'll cry, too. So I grab a tissue and hand it to him, but of course his hands are full. He turns his head and I wipe his nose like he's one of my kids. His blood-shot eyes search mine.

What can I do? He's the father of my children; the only man I've ever loved. When someone you love is broken, you pick them up and help them mend.

"Bring your stuff," I say.

I don't have to ask if his temper is controlled, I know it is. I don't doubt where he wants to be – Phoenix or no. Mama Baba won't like it and King David will be exasperated, but this is my decision and I will live with it.

An Ambassador post in Ottawa opens and I jump at the opportunity. My kids have never seen snow, but Nate grew up in Alaska. It'll be just like home. Mama Baba comes, too (I'd never leave without her) – but we're without Honor and Roman and I miss them. I miss them more than I expected. The job, I hate. I lie for my country and king; people lie to me. We waste money on expensive clothes and meals; waste paper to record promises we will never keep.

Of course, my sacrifice is not for power. Scott finally gets to meet his grandkids; Mama Baba makes a snowman; my husband is happier than he's ever been. He laughs at me and Mama Baba for wrapping the kids so much against the cold. So what if they can't move? At least they're warm. I get to learn new things, too. He teaches me to ice skate. Although I would rather be sitting on the side with the babies, it is lovely to be held as he laughs.

We briefly return home for the General's wedding. I can see my country is struggling. Honor asks me to take Roman to Ottawa ("for the snow") but I know she fears for his safety. King David has become unhinged. He demands too much and gives too little.

Roman is the child of my heart, so I agree. He is helpful and quiet, and Nate is so attentive – treating him like he treats his own.

"I want another baby," I tell him. First time, we didn't know what we were doing. Second time was an accident. This time will be better. He cries tears of joy for once, and although our love making is sporadic (we're continuously exhausted), I am the fertile mother.

Honor is livid. 'How could you let this happen again?' and 'You're not healthy enough!' and 'If he cared one bit about you, he wouldn't let you go through this!'

But she doesn't demand Roman's return. Now I realize what I couldn't see before. She's jealous. God only gave her one child: a boy, who lives with me. So I accept her rage, knowing it masks deep pain.

Nate is not so sympathetic. "Mind your own damn business!"

"My family is my business!" she says.

"We're nothing to you unless you lose your shitty attitude!" It's the first unkind thing I've ever heard him say to her. Honor and Nate have been friends since before I was born; I hate that they're fighting because of something I've done.

In April, I deliver a girl. It's another quick, intense delivery. Nate insists on a hospital, but there's no time for drugs. He's awe struck. The nurses are delighted by our duckling-esque family: eighteen-month-old Luca, three-year-old Maddie Belle, and four-year-old Roman.

"Do you have a baby every year?" they marvel.

"Yes," Nate says, not bothering to say Roman isn't ours. He is.

Tessa, Roman's other mother, visits. I wonder why she's alone, but there's no time to talk.

There's no time for anything anymore. Roman's sleep-walking and wetting the bed; Maddie Belle is potty-training; Luca is resentful of the new baby; and April Jean's nursing every hour or two. I'm tempted to give her a bottle like I did with Luca. Mommy needs sleep! And then, as if I'm not busy enough, Nate joins Department H. Superhero teams never hesitate to call when they need the Phoenix, but this is a real job, which he hasn't had since he left the hospital. I support him. Of course they need him: he's a telepathic doctor hosting the cosmic force of destruction and re-birth. Besides, with Mama Baba and Tess, we have three adults to four children. We manage.

One night (I'm finally sleeping!) an aid wakes me. Wakanda is revolting.

Sixty-six civilians and thirty military personnel are dead. Airports are closed and embassies locked. The rebels are stopped before they reach the palace. King David is safe; the coup failed.

My sister's been arrested.

That's why Roman was sent and Tessa came alone. She knew this would happen. If she's involved, my job is in jeopardy. Without King David's protection, I'll be extradited to the States: charged with treason, regicide, and face execution. What will happen to my family? Honor knows how to escalate a situation. She escapes. King David keeps me in place to bug my home and follow me around, but she never calls or writes. Every day I fear events that never happen.

Nate calls me at the office. Mama Baba has suffered a stroke. This jolly, bloated woman has been the cornerstone of my life. Now she's bed-ridden. The left half of her body, paralyzed. When she sees the kids, she tries to stand. I take her hand.

"No, Mama. Now we take care of you."

The end is not long coming and I cry for her like I've never cried for anyone. This woman was the mother I never had. She gave my children love when my husband didn't. She taught me to knit, moved across the world for me, listened to my fears, delivered my babies… No one has ever done so much for me and I know I will never be the same without her. I weep and weep tears without end.

She has no living family. She is cremated and her ashes return to Wakanda.

Things get worse. One day, without warning, Tess and Roman vanish. Did they run away? Or did King David kidnap them? They are my family living under my roof but I am clueless. My family is splintering and I'm powerless to keep us together.

We travel to New York for a wedding. Nate's half-sister, Meg, is marrying Honor's half-brother, Oli. Our family trees are tangled but they ask Maddie Belle to be a flower girl. I don't care for dresses and curls, but she enjoys being a princess for a day. She's jubilant. Seeing everyone together lifts my spirit. I didn't think I'd ever be happy again, but that specter's gone.

"I was thinking," Nate says, "Meg will probably want a baby right away. Wouldn't it be fun to be pregnant at the same time?"

Yes. I need something to anticipate – something good. But he's forty years old. I won't tend this baby alone and I expect him to still be an active participant in 10, 15, and 20 years. So he cuts back his hours, eats healthier, and watches his blood pressure. He's always exercised, but looks more vibrant now.

April Jean rejects my breast milk and I know I'm pregnant.

Three months later, so is Meg.

I receive an unmarked postcard for a small German town. It takes some maneuvering, but I manage to get there alone. Nate must be so overwhelmed with all three kids! I'm certain my sister sent the card and have one day to track her down. She finds me.

"Girl, you stay pregnant," she says.

I have missed them so much!

"One day every couple years is no good," I tell them. "We need each other."

She sends Roman (alias Robert Lord) back home with me. She and Tess will return to Wakanda and face King David. I do not envy them. At first, they are arrested, but then released. My sister weasels her way back into his good graces. I don't know how but she always gets what she wants.

I enroll Roman in school with Maddie Belle. He does very well here and Honor's considering letting him stay through the school-year. She visits regularly and is there when I deliver my son.

Everything about this baby is difficult! I labor for two days before the hospital cuts me open to pull him out. April Jean is so sweet and pleasant; I thought myself a master parent. No, nature fooled me into thinking that so I'd produce this devil and learn better. He refuses the breast and sleep. He screams endlessly. I can see why. Unlike my other children who have olive skin and brown hair, this child is fair skinned with flaxen hair and bright purple eyes instead of blue. He is my mother returned to torment me! This is Bella Donna's spawn.

Nate wants to name him Christopher Scott, after his grandfather and father. We call him Scotty and Nate's jerk father is beyond pleased to finally get a child named after him.

In spite of Scotty's prickly personality, he brings balance to our lives. My family feels complete now. (Which is good because my husband's getting too old for babies and my body's too broken for more.)

Honor and Tess decide to allow Roman to finish the school year in Ottawa. King David is paranoid and takes this as a personal offense. My sister is placed under house arrest, and he says he will fire me unless I send Roman back to Wakanda. Without my diplomatic status, I'm a wanted criminal.

I know I must act quickly – before Nate figures it out and stops me. I am deeply sorry for the pain this will cause him, but that is a regret I will bear. Grief is the price of love and he has loved me all these years…

I was a child, sixteen, when I killed King T'Challa. I did it because my sister wanted it done and I was a better killer. I robbed that man of his life. Eight years ago, I murdered a stranger who'd done nothing to provoke me. He was a bad man, but he deserved a trial. I denied him that. I had children that he might've had. And I told my children that karma always catches you, so they should correct every wrong. Meanwhile, I ran from my own sins. It cost me and everyone who loved me their freedom. For eight years, we've been nothing more than pawns to this King we were willing to kill and die for.

No more.

"Willing to talk," I tell SHIELD.

I may be powerless over my future, but I am far from powerless.

They whisk me away and ask "Why now?"

"King David wants my kids. Take my freedom… But don't let him."

They promise me the moon if I will sell-out my sister. I won't. Before her life in Wakanda, she'd been leader of a massive criminal organization. I've even heard rumors that she and Tess helped terrorists, but I don't believe that so I say nothing. They want me to discuss King David, but I only know what he's done to me. Nothing criminal. After a couple days, they decide I'm no flight-risk and release me. A trial is pending. It may be two years away. Two more years with my children and then, who knows? But they will be free of my crimes and no one can ever take away that freedom.

I exit the SHIELD outpost to a media frenzy. I am friendless and alone. T'Challa's and David's supporters want my head. My beloved countrymen think I have betrayed them. The Canadians I live among want me expelled.

I search the crowd for my husband or an aid – any friendly face.

"Murderer!" someone screams.

A gunshot rings out once, twice, three times. Panicked bystanders scream and I hear an authority shout: "She's hit! She's hit!"

A herd of officers tackle the gunman, but who's been hit?

The crowd clears away and I'm looking at the sky. Canada's sky is usually cloudy, but today it's bright and clear like Wakanda's. I can almost taste the spicy heat and hear the women singing. A wedding song? Yes, it's my wedding day. And I can see Nate waiting for me in his crisp, white shirt. I rush to kiss his toothy grin, so wide and unhurt. In his blue eyes I see my-

…

The End.