Summary: Who knew teapots could be deadly? AU, Mild R27, Crack-ish, One-shot

Rating: T for mentions of death

WARNINGS: mentions of death, a tiny bit of swearing, probably a bit OOC

Disclaimer: don't own KHR or its characters

AN: Just a random little one-shot. Going through some pretty bad writer's block at the moment, so I gave myself a little one-word prompt using a random word generator. Word: teapot. This happened.

"Dame-Tsuna, I told you not to call unless it was an emergency." Reborn growled over the phone. Tsuna huffed in annoyance before replying.

"Yes, well, if you know somebody else who can tell me how to remove the dead body from our house, I'd be perfectly happy to call them instead." Came the snarky reply. There was silence over the phone for a few sweet moments before Reborn sighed.

"Blood?" He asked simply, an edge of exasperation to his voice. Tsuna looked down at the body on the floor.

"Not much. Honestly, I didn't mean to kill him, just knock him out…" Tsuna muttered despondently. The teen had been on the verge of a panic attack before he had called the man, but the edge had worn off as soon as the silky voice met his ears. There was another sigh.

"Wrap the body in a tarp, or a rug, and stick it in the basement for now. I'll deal with it when I get back, I should only be a few hours." Reborn finally answered. Tsuna nodded mutely for a moment, before remembering that Reborn couldn't see him and answering verbally.

"Thank you…" He murmured softly, nibbling on his lip worriedly. Tsuna had long gotten used to the knowledge of what the man did for a living, but he was still emotionally affected when it followed him home. After a murmured reassurance, Tsuna put the phone down and pondered on how this became his life.

They had met almost five years ago now, Reborn had been on a routine assassination and somehow everything had gone wrong. If it weren't for Tsuna, the man would probably be dead. The raven had killed his mark, but had been injured rather badly in the process, not to mention his hideout had been compromised. He blamed Luce on that front (she sent Skull, of all people, looking for him when he didn't answer her calls). He had ended up in a nondescript alleyway, bleeding out and with nowhere to go. He woke up in a soft bed, bandaged poorly, with worried brown eyes staring down at him. Tsuna hadn't really asked him many questions about why he had been shot, Reborn returned the favour by not killing him on the spot. He had left quickly, not wanting to linger in case of repercussions.

The man had somehow set up a routine not long after. Every time he got injured, even if only a scratch or bruise, he would go to the brunet and the boy would patch him up without question. At some point he had even started taking more and more difficult missions, just so he had the chance to go back more often. It took months for Tsuna to stop acting so warily around him all the time, and even more time for the brunet to actually start opening up about his life. Not that Reborn could blame him, the man was a complete stranger who kept on randomly showing up at his house for medical attention. As it turned out, the boy was a budding Game Designer. Creativity seemed to be the boys strong point, and his love of Video Games and his family spurred him into the entertainment industry. At the time of their meeting (Tsuna was 15 if he remembered correctly), the boy didn't have any friends and the only thing really keeping him alive was his mother's love. Reborn made sure to give him another reason.

To be perfectly honest, the raven-haired man had no idea why he cared, or why he even kept coming back. There was just something about the brunet that pulled him in. Reborn usually pushed away feelings like that, not wanting anything to affect him on such a level. But something about Tsuna had made him stay. The indiscriminate care for his well-being, the bright, curious eyes, the bruises peppered all over his little body, the sheer warmth of his smile. Something about the boy made Reborn crave his presence, and for once the man had let his heart rule over his head.

The attempts had started around a year after that. Someone had found out about Tsuna and sent an assassin knocking. Reborn had dealt with it easily, but it had shocked the teen greatly and he hadn't spoken to the raven for weeks. After a particularly nasty mission, Reborn returned with a few more injuries than usual and ended up needing to seek Tsuna out. The brunet had fussed over the injuries, but his body had been tense. After some less than gentle prodding, the boy had broken down into a hysterical mess about his only friend being an assassin.

Reborn had then forced (read: angrily persuaded) his co-workers (friends) into helping him teach the boy "self-defence". Honestly, Reborn just wanted an excuse to train him (he despised seeing the boy come home with bruises from the copious bullies, and a serious threat gave him the perfect reason). Tsuna picked it up remarkably well, if not a little slowly, and was confident enough start defending other students from bullies (he still ran away from his own, a combination of passiveness and ingrained fear). The brunet had also managed to worm his way into the others' hearts, and every so often they would come to check on him.

Reborn wasn't sure when their friendship had turned into more. Before the man knew it, the simple gestures turned to sweet embraces and he was putting in actual effort into keeping in contact with the teen. As soon as the brunet had turned 18, Reborn had practically demanded the teen move into a house with him. Tsuna didn't complain. He had been living with the man ever since.

As Reborn had said, it was only a few hours before he got back. He immediately went to Tsuna to assess any damage and, upon finding none, began making preparations to dispose of the body. The body could be transported and buried easily enough, and there was miraculously no blood on the floor. That only left one more thing.

"Weapon?" The word was uttered with the slightest raise of an eyebrow, the only indicator that he was mildly curious. Reborn stared for a long moment when Tsuna held out the object, the raised eyebrow climbing ever higher as he stared the boy down. Tsuna pouted.

"Don't give me that look, I just happened to have it in my hand when he came in." He sulked, still pouting adorably. A teapot. It was large, metal and rather old. There was a small amount of blood and a sizeable indent near the bottom from the impact. Reborn actually had to work to keep his face neutral.

"Tsuna… how?" The boy shrugged helplessly.

"He came crashing in through the window, scared the living crap out of me… so I whacked him. He didn't get up." The teen finally managed out. An amused smirk worked its way onto the assassin's face. The pout returned.

"Are you gonna help or not?" Tsuna questioned sulkily, shaking the teapot for emphasis. Reborn smirked again, taking the teapot and throwing it in the back of the ute. They only ever used the thing for body transport. After everything was done, Reborn returned home and let Tsuna curl up beside him on the couch. Though it wasn't long before he felt the need to tease the poor brunet for his weapon choice.

"A teapot."

"Reborn!" Tsuna whined.

END

AN: Randomness for the win! Sorry for any mistakes. Hope you enjoyed!

Omake: Varia Quality

Reborn stared long and hard at the silver-haired man before him. The man was fuming, if his eyes were anything to go by. He was also heavily duct-taped to a chair. His mouth was covered with the silver material, as well. Reborn honestly couldn't fathom how Tsuna had found so much duct-tape. How many rolls had he used to cover that much of the man's body? One thing the raven did know was that he was glad he had insisted upon a basement. Honestly, the number of people coming and dying was getting ridiculous. Not that Reborn would ever be stupid enough to bury anybody there, but it did give him a place to store and tor… ah-hem, "interrogate" those stupid enough to come after them.

"He came in shouting some nonsense about clams and inheritance…" Tsuna mumbled confusedly, wringing his hands nervously. Reborn raised a brow. He had taught Tsuna Italian and retaught him English since most of the people after him spoke one of the languages, and that way at least Tsuna had a vague notion of what was going on. But still… Why was the Vongola interested in Tsuna all of the sudden? They had left him alone all these years, and it wasn't like they had a shortage of heirs… Then again, maybe that was the problem. Tsuna was unnecessary competition. Not that it mattered. Reborn would deal with the threat accordingly, even though he wouldn't be able to kill the man (he was technically allied with the Vongola, after all). One thing was for sure; this was going to lead to a rather interesting conversation with Nono. The raven-haired man eyed the teapot sitting innocuously on the nearby table. He tilted his head slightly, eyes now examining the man in the chair.

"Was it difficult?" He asked the brunet after a moment of silent contemplation. Tsuna took some time to think over an answer, but in the end he just shrugged. Reborn smirked at the bound man, lips curling in amusement.

"Varia Quality indeed~" Squalo seethed.