AN: This was rolling around in my head and I had to get it out. Spoilers. If you haven't seen Star Trek Beyond (which I recommend you do at some point) there are some plot twists that I spoil. You have been warned.

I don't own them.

Ensign Syl. Her name was at the top of the list of confirmed dead crewmembers from the Enterprise. They'd been trying to piece together who was dead or missing when Uhura had quietly informed him of the young officer's fate. He had feared as much when they went to rescue the crew and he didn't see her but there was no time for him to look into it until after they finished their debrief on the Yorktown.

His chief communications officer explained to him with haunted eyes what happened to the xenobiologist that Jim charged with hiding their piece of the Abronath. She explained how none of them even knew that Syl had it until Krall dragged Sulu to the middle of the camp and threatened to drain the life out of him. Then, she explained how Krall locked Syl in a room and unleashed the weapon on her to demonstrate its power and his resolve. The ensign died a painful and pointless death because she agreed to help him.

Pike's words after the Nibiru incident rang through Jim's head. 'You think that you can't make mistakes, but there's going to come a moment when you realize you're wrong about that, and you're going to get yourself and everyone under your command killed.' Jim realized that he was too angry to appreciate just what his mentor was trying tell him at the time. Even after his -temporary- death, he still didn't get it. Jim realized, sitting alone in quarters that aren't his on a station that wasn't his, that maybe Pike wanted him to understand the difference between being prepared to die and being prepared to send someone else, everyone else, to their death.

Unintentional as it was, he got Syl killed. All it took was one word from him and she gladly offered her assistance. Jim would like to say that any officer on any ship would've but the truth is that his crew would sacrifice themselves for him in a heartbeat. That, more than anything over the last few days, gave him pause. Funny how Pike was right, even in his death.

How many was it now? The list seemed to update every few minutes with the names of more of his officers who gave their lives for nothing. This whole thing was over nothing. Krall… Edison was angry but that's where his motivation ends. He spent a century festering in his hate instead of doing anything to get the hell out of there. He had ships and technology and he stayed there, cursing the Federation the whole time.

If it were Jim and his people, which it technically was, they would've fought like hell to find themselves an exit and went to the closest Federation planet or base or station. Maybe it's just Jim's morality showing through. After everything he'd been through with his dead dad, busy mother, resentful uncle and -until recently- missing big brother, he could've ripped Starfleet apart from the inside and nobody would've been able to do a damn thing about it.

Of course, that's not what he did, despite how angry he was with the Federation growing up, he never took it out on the innocent people who had nothing to do with his pain over his father or Tarsus IV. Edison was even more removed from the fleet than Jim was, everyone the Franklin's captain served with is most likely dead. Jim could never imagine looking at his own people and deciding that killing them is the way to go.

Which brings him back to Ensign Syl, who was dead because of him. He looked at the screen in front of him. How the hell was he supposed to tell her little sister that he's the reason Syl's gone? He doesn't know how long he sat there thinking about it when an incoming communication from the Ticonderoga popped up on his screen. Jim plastered on his best fake smile as he accepted the call.

"Jimmy... What happened to your face?"

"Hello to you too, mom."