In the Aftermath of the Massacre

a Family Guy/Sausage Party crossover fanfic

by LDEJRuff

Author's note: Yeah, I know Sausage Party has not yet been released at the time I wrote this one-shot, but I just wanted to do this for fun.

It seemed to start out to be a beautiful day for Brian Griffin and his little brother, Vinny. The two took a drive in the Prius, for they were on their way back to Quahog from spending a two-dog vacation.

"You know, B," Vinny began in the passenger seat, "I thought it would be nice for us to pick up a little something to eat on the way home."

"You read my mind, Vin," Brian replied. "I'm starving." As soon as Brian finished, he noticed something strange nearby. "What the hell?"

What Brian saw was a store under investigation. It was the local Shopwell's in a city the brothers had just come into. There was yellow tape around the store, and police surrounded the area.

Brian drove the Prius to a spot in the parking lot, got out of the car with Vinny, and started to address the chief of police.

"Excuse me, officer. What's going on in there?"

"There was a massacre inside the Shopwell's," the chief replied. "A lucky few had exited out of the store, yet none of the rest survived."

"Well," Vinny began, "did any of the survivors explain what it was that caused the massacre?"

"One of the survivors said that it was the food that murdered the unfortunates," the chief answered. "But we didn't believe a word of it, since we know that food can't move or talk, or none of that malarkey."

Brian looked at his brother uneasily and gulped. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Vinny?"

"That we should investigate the store?" Vinny replied.

"Bingo."

"Well, you two be careful in there, and stay out of trouble," the chief warned.

The two dogs had entered the store through the automatic doors.

Upon entering, Vinny noticed a slice of pizza splattered on the window. The bottom of the slice was eaten off.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Vinny shook his head. "What some people can't do to pizza these days."

"Uh, Vinny?"

Brian got his brother's attention.

"It gets worse."

Vinny gasped in shock. He saw a lot of dead bodies, ruined groceries, a pool of blood and an eyeball, etc.

"Oh," he said. "This is horrible."

The two walked around the store and noticed a few toothpicks lying on the floor.

"Who would throw toothpicks on the floor?" Brian asked.

Vinny sniffed. "And why do I smell heroin?"

"I smell it, too," Brian added. "I guess that whoever caused the massacre didn't put the cap back on the heroin bottles."

"I'm starting to guess that, too, big bro."

After wandering around some more, the dogs began to notice a lot of ruined food products grow arms, legs and faces. They looked like they had suffered.

"I don't like the looks of this," Vinny said. "And why would food products suddenly have faces, arms and legs?"

"If you're expecting me to respond by saying that you're crazy," Brian began to reply, "you're not crazy. I see it, too."

"A duo of survivors," a small voice gasped.

The dogs took notice and looked around for the owner of the voice.

"Who the hell said that?" Vinny asked.

"I did," the owner of the voice, a dog biscuit, said, hopping onto Brian's shoulder.

Vinny gasped. "You're a..."

"A dog biscuit," the food item said. "It's a good thing you took a whiff of that heroin to see me come alive."

"So that's why the toothpicks were thrown on the floor," Brian realized. "But why?"

"A sausage, Frank, had revealed to us about the Great Beyond being nothing but a lie," the dog biscuit answered. "He got this proof from looking at a cookbook, after hearing from Firewater and his tribe of non-perishables. At first, we all thought that the Great Beyond would be a paradise, until we all learned that it was just a bunch of horseshit. That's why we started a revolution against the gods."

"What do you mean 'we'?" Brian asked. "And who are these gods you're talking about?"

"I think she means the humans that shopped here before the massacre, B," Vinny informed.

"Wow," Brian replied. "It's no wonder there was a massacre here. The food didn't want to be eaten."

"That's right," the dog biscuit said. "You two catch on pretty quick, don't you?"

"Well, if we agree not to eat you," Vinny began, "do you agree not to kill us?"

The dog biscuit nodded.

"Good to know."

So, after leaving the Shopwell's in one piece, and returning home to Quahog,the two dogs agreed not to eat a dog biscuit they knew personally, as long as she agreed not to kill them. However, the gruesome scenes they saw still horrified them so much that they agreed not to eat any dog food for a while. But that's another story...

The End, for now