A/N: This is a dark themed chapter. Forewarning.

The Baby Shower

Chapter Twenty

"There's so much I should have told you…" Pansy trailed off, her mind working overtime to come up with the right words. "About my past, I mean… I've had so much happen over the years and I guess I was just afraid that if you knew, you wouldn't look at me the same."

Harry sighed, trying his hardest to be understanding of the situation. Pansy had popped her head through his floor just a few moments earlier, her voice wavering as she all but begged him to let her in. He wouldn't say no of course, no matter how upset they'd both been the last time they'd seen each other. He needed them to resolve whatever this issue was, and it was obvious that Pansy felt the same.

"I've told you more than once that nothing you say could push me away, Pansy." He took hold of her hands, caressing her knuckles softly as he spoke. "You tried to tell me that first night, remember? Damaged goods, you called yourself…" Harry shook his head, dispelling the words for what they really were - complete and utter nonsense.

"All the same." Pansy sniffled, taking back her hand to wipe a tear threatening to escape. "You deserve to know. And I've never felt compelled to tell anyone, besides Hermione - as you're aware."

Harry remained silent, nodding encouragingly.

"But…" Pansy carried on, "I know it's time. Because I care for you like no one ever before, Harry." Her heart swelled with each word, feeling courage to speak the things that felt so unspeakable for years.

"My… my father…" she whispered. "He's not a good person. Never was… but as a child I tried my damndest to please the man. I just wanted - well, I don't know, exactly. Approval? Acceptance… Love… Just an ounce of normalcy. Anything other than the cold distance that seemed to surround us." She paused, composing herself.

"If I'm honest, I think he's probably always been a violent man. For the longest time, I thought I'd done something to deserve his hatred, but as I age… I'm finally realizing that it's not something I - or anyone else - could have possibly brought on themselves. My mother got the brunt of it. I do despise the woman, in case you've been wondering all this time why I never bring them up… but I couldn't wish that treatment on her." She sighed, feeling relief and foolishness and a million other emotions as the words seemed to spill from deep within her.

"My mum thought I was some sort of prize to be raised and given away to the right person - to a man - when the time came. I'm their only daughter, and as I'm sure you've learned by now… it's in our culture that we grow up, marry, and provide heirs for the other noble houses. It wouldn't be so bad, if only we had the option of who to love instead of being betrothed before we even understood what love is."

Harry took her hand once more, stopping her for a moment. "Were you promised to another?"

Pansy laughed - a sound that surprised Harry for such a delicate conversation - and shook her head. "Of course. And to Draco, of all people… We never would have done it, you know." She grinned despite herself, thinking fondly of the boy she grew to call her best mate. "Even had he not fallen head over polished boots for Hermione. We were never suited, and neither of us believed in marriage without bond."

Harry let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, feeling relieved to hear her betrothal was to someone she definitely didn't feel romantically inclined towards - sexually or otherwise. "I'm glad." He smiled back. "Because it seems that bond was meant for us. However unlikely…"

"Oh, Harry! I know I was a shite in school. I know. But please understand that the way I was raised… it made the resentment and the attitude come unbidden. I thought that to be desirable… to be perfect - whatever that is - I had to be above everyone. I was cold… unfeeling. At least on the outside…"

Pansy closed her eyes momentarily, drinking up the memories of a past long unwanted. "My father beat me relentlessly. If I got a bad mark… If I spoke back to my mother… If I showed the slightest sign of happiness, it seemed he sucked it right away. He was a miserable old fool, and everyone in his presence would be as well if it were his decision. And in our house, it always was."

"I think so often of the things I would go back and change if I could. I tried to give you up to Voldemort, Harry! How can you forgive me for such an evil act?" The tears she'd managed to hold off came full force, the reality of their conversation sinking in as she knew the hardest part to tell was just past the edge of her lips. "It doesn't matter how horrible my year at Hogwarts had been. I was ready to give you to those monsters just to make it stop, and it makes me feel absolutely sick to know you just… accept that. How?"

"I've been told I'm too nice for my own good, sometimes." He smiled sadly. "But forgiveness has always come easy for me, as does the ability to tell when it's deserved." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. "I know how sorry you are, and I also know that I needed to face Voldemort whether you threw me to him or not."

Pansy nodded - trying to understand - and tucked her chin against his chest, as if her face out of view might make the words come smoother. "I was so, so scared, Harry. That year… I… it haunts me. Horrible, disgusting dreams that are beyond nightmares - because when I wake, I know that in reality, those terrors truly happened. And I feel like I can't escape them."

"Do you…" he hesitated, knowing they were approaching dangerous waters. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Pansy laughed, a harsh sound compared to her normal tinkle. "I don't want to tell you - or anyone. I don't even want to think about it… But I know that I have to, if we're ever going to move past this."

"I was targeted that year, by one of the professors placed there by the Dark Lord. It started off innocent enough. He followed me around, spoke lewd comments to me out of ear of the other students… but it didn't last." Her eyes took on a slight gaze, her thoughts far away as she spoke quietly. "The first time he cornered me, I thought for sure he just wanted to scare me a bit… use his perverse words to get whatever kick wets his knickers. But it was so dark, in the dungeons… and he cast a silencing charm and I had this sudden fear that he was going to kill me, right there. Just for fun." She shivered, almost able to feel the cold stones pressed against her back. Harry squeezed harder, running his hand over her hair to soothe her nerves.

"There were so many times I wish he would have. I screamed and screamed even though I knew no one would hear me… I finally realized that no amount of crying would help. He liked it… the way I writhed when he cursed me… the way I sobbed when he…"

"What did he do to you, Pansy?" Harry whispered, the shake in his voice the only betrayal of his emotions.

A sob caught in her throat, and she buried her cheek closer to him, soaking fabric with her tears. "He took everything from me, Harry. My pride… my strength… m-my virtue." Pansy cried, gripping her hands to his shirt so hard it could tear. "I tried to tell my parents… but my father, he said that it was my fault. That I surely led the man on and got exactly what I had coming."

Harry saw red, his vision nearly blurred by the fury coursing through him. "Bullshite," he yelled, startling Pansy from his grip. "You didn't believe him, did you? You don't believe that?"

"Of course not, Harry, but to hear him say those words… it was unimaginable. I didn't know what to think. I was in shock, for the longest time. And my mum… she cried for weeks saying I was ruined and that no nobleman would ever possibly take me under 'these conditions'." Pansy spat the last words out, bitter on her tongue. She sat forwards, looking Harry directly in the eye.

"It wasn't just that once, Harry. It happened… oh, I couldn't possibly count. And still haunts me to this day." Pansy swiped at her face, trying to compose herself. "The worst part is, it probably wasn't only me. I can only imagine who else shares these same terrors as I."

"Fuck." Harry punched his fist to the cushion at his side. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he shouted. "And I was gone that year, trying to find a way to stop all of the madness. I thought that we had it so bad, out on the run… I had no clue, Pansy." Tears formed in his own eyes now as he tugged her flush against him, cradling her gently and muttering his apologies. "I am so, so so sorry I couldn't save you. Any of you."

"But you, did, Harry! I'm certain I didn't appreciate it in the moment… you… you died, Harry! For all of us."

"How did you know?" he ask, bewilderment written all over his face.

"Hermione," she smiled sadly. "Who else? There's no secrets between us."

"Of course. Well… I'm here now, aren't I?" he smiled back.

"I couldn't be more thankful, truly. You've saved me more than once, you just didn't know it yet." she whispered, hugging him as if her life depended on it.

In this moment, she sort of thought it did.