This is the second chapter posted. Be sure you read chapter 17 first. Y'all, this was so difficult to write. So many emotions.

**Trigger Warning**

In this chapter is mentions of infertility, near death, hints of post-partum depression, depression, breast feeding struggles, and descriptions of actual breast feeding.

Kili stroked his wife's face as he watched her sleep. Her color was much better than it had been. He was glad. He never wanted to see her beautiful face so devoid of color and expression again.

He had almost lost her.

He thought back to the day their twins were born. The waiting had been far worse than any of his other children. Legolas has taken the older children to Dale, to visit Bard and his family. After several hours, Tauriel finally emerged with his daughter, Luna. It was an odd name for a dwarf, they supposed, but it had felt right. He was so engaged with studying his newest child, he did not notice his elven friend turn her attention back to the room where his wife was still doing her work, nor did he notice her dashing back into the room. It was Fili's startled cry that brought his attention to what was going on around him.

With his arms full of his daughter, he felt paralyzed as he witnessed Oin and an assistant being rushed into the room. He didn't even notice when his uncle plucked Luna from his arms. Chaos ensued. His mother was led from the room, covered in blood, followed by another dam carrying a bundle, his son, Therin. Kili tried rushing into the room and was held back by his brother and Dwalin. They had to drag him from the room as he screamed out for his wife, he was later told. His throat was sore for many days. He did not count.

They finally let him see her hours later. Had he not already been assured that she lived, he would have thought her dead. She seemed so lifeless. She would have no more children, he was told. Two days later, infection set in. He never left her side. His mother would bring reports of his children, but he couldn't bring himself to leave her side. Their children didn't need to see their parents like this. Their mother so pale, and their father being forced by his brother to bathe, eat, and sleep.

As the infection continued to rage throughout her body, he prayed to Mahal, Eru, Yavanna, and every Vala he could think of that might help. Finally, her illness faded and her body began to heal. It had been two weeks since the birth of the twins, and she had yet to awaken. The healers all agreed that she simply needed time.

He did not know how long he had been sitting there, but he knew the instant something had changed. Kili studied her face. Her head gave a small jerk to the left and he shot up in his seat. She whimpered and moaned.

"Brenna? Brenna, my love," he said desperately. "Wake up, Brenna. Let me see those beautiful eyes."

She began to shift some more. After a few more moments, he watched as her eyes opened slightly. Kili could feel the tears welling in his eyes.

"Brenna, my beautiful, beautiful Brenna." He lifted her hand and kissed, repeating his mantra over and over again. She began to come a little more awake and put her hand on her stomach before looking panicked.

"They are safe. Both Luna and Therin are safe."

She looked relieved and smiled at him. "Why so sad, my love?" she whispered.

"Not right now. I just want to look in your eyes and know that you have not left me."

She was not awake for long, but it was enough for him. She was going to be okay. Now, he needed to see to his children.

She felt so numb. It shouldn't matter. She had five healthy dwarflings. Among her people, that was quite the accomplishment. But it did matter.

She would never have another child.

She had been awake for three days. She looked at her twins. This would be the last time she would have a child this size, this age. How fast it was going to pass. She had already missed the first two weeks of their life. How much more would she miss? It didn't escape her that she almost missed it all. Every thought was so overwhelming.

Kili had rarely left her side. The children, when they had them, spent their time with their parents in their room. Dis and Fili had been spending most of their time keeping up with the oldest three. Frerin, when with his mother, clung to her as closely as his father. Being nearly twelve, he had an understanding of what had happened, and what almost happened. Runa, thankfully and despite her intelligence, didn't seem to have a grasp on all the facts. To Drerin, his mother had just been ill and needed to sleep.

Looking once more at her twins, she felt lost. She was having trouble getting her milk to come in. She wanted to be grateful that she had friends who could help, but instead, she felt angry. Not only would she not be able to give her husband more children, it didn't seem as though she would be able to feed her youngest. She felt broken. Useless. Incomplete.

The worst of it was, she couldn't say anything. Kili was so thankful that she lived, he didn't seem to care about anything else. He was sweet and tried to be encouraging. The strange thing was, she knew he was right. There was nothing wrong with her; things happen in life. It doesn't make her any less the wife and mother she was. What he didn't understand was that knowing and feeling were two completely things. When you had feelings that ran contrary to what you knew was the truth, it could be easy to be deceived. Your feelings, at any given time, were real. You 'feel' in the moment. Telling someone that they had every reason to be happy, when all they felt was sadness, didn't make everything automatically better.

Three days she had been awake, yet to her, it felt like so much longer.

Kili could see that she was struggling, but he didn't know what to do for her. He didn't know how to convince her that he loved her, not what she could do for him or give to him. Both the elven and dwarven midwives encouraged her to eat more; they were in agreement that her milk would come in, despite her illness. Every evening, he watched as they would express a bit of milk from her breast, and he would comfort her as she wept when she didn't feel it was good enough.

Not for the first time, he wished they hadn't returned to the mountain. Everything had changed when they returned to the mountain. His eldest son was constantly in lessons to prepare him to be king one day, his brother was unhappily married, his wife was suffering. The only one's happy were Thorin and Drerin. Though he had not admitted it to anyone, he felt like he wasn't bonding with Luna and Therin. He didn't recent them, but usually, he and Brenna spent their first days, laying around the house, cuddling and talking with the infants. He couldn't do that now. Others were feeding his children, and his brother had spent more time cuddling with them. He wondered if his twins even realized he was their father. It was a silly thought, they were only infants, but he still worried.

Sobbing from the bed broke into his thoughts. Kili rushed over to his wife. "What is it, amralime? Are you in pain?"

She shook her head and cried harder. He climbed into the bed and held her close, light rocking her. "Shh, shh, now. It will be alright. We'll be alright."

She continued to shake her head. "No it won't. They're going to hate me. I… can't…take care…of my own…children."

"Of course you can, amrul. You are a wonderful mother. Just look at Frerin, Runa, and Drerin. They love you, and they are good and respectful and smart. No one could do a better job."

"Runa… can't wait to leave… the room…once she gets here. And… Frerin looks…so sad…all of the time."

"Runa is worried and has trouble expressing herself, and Frerin knows how bad it was. We will get through this."

Brenna began to calm down. He continued to rock her as he held her. After a few minutes, he decided to see what the real problem was. "Do you want to talk about what is really bothering you?"

She was silent for a moment before answering. "Elena thinks I should try nursing the twins. She said doing so would encourage my body to produce more milk."

"Well, that is good news!"

"But what if they don't want my breast, Kili? What if they turn away from it and cry for Mila? What if they don't want me?"

"You will regret it if you don't try, Brenna; I know you. I know you are afraid, and you have every right to be, but what if they don't? What if they latch right on? What if they bond just a closely with you are the others did? I'm afraid too, amrul; I've shared many of your fears, but we'll never know if we don't try. I'll be here with you, and if the worst happens, we'll hold each other and cry, then we'll pick ourselves back up and figure out what to do. We're survivors, you and I, we'll be ok."

Stroking his face as she looked into his eyes, she felt more at peace than she had in the ten days since she had woken up. Nodding her head, she burrowed as deep into her husband's side as she could. She could do this! She could!

In all the years she had been a mother, she could honestly admit that she had never felt so nervous. She watched as Dis and Elena brought the twins in; Elena handed her Luna while Kili took their son from his mother.

"Do not worry, Brenna," Elena soothed, reading her fear. "You have done this before. You will know what to do. As you now have two, you will have to feed one baby per breast. Your body should be able to produce enough for each child soon, once it knows the need. That is why we are doing this; simply expressing by hand will not get your body to produce what they need. This might cause you discomfort, because your breasts will produce much more than they did for your other children. Princess Dis and I will leave you now, but I will be near if you need me."

Brenna nodded as she took her youngest daughter and looked at her. The child had her eyes open and searching.

"Hello, Luna. Are you hungry? Let's see what we can do about that," she talked to her daughter, just as she had her other children.

"This is a little odd" Kili said, as he and Therin settled on the bed beside her, "holding one infant while you feed another. How will we switch off?"

"I'm sure we'll manage," she cooed towards the child nursing at her breast. Luna had latched right on. Brenna knew she wouldn't get much, but she still felt a little accomplished. She vaguely heard Kili talking to their son next to her. Finally, the moment came when her daughter could get no more. After allowing her to suckle a few minutes more, she and Kili did an awkward shuffle in which the switched children.

"Shh, shh, little Luna," her father teasingly chided. "I know you didn't get to finish your dinner, but give your brother a few moments, and you'll get your second breakfast." The infant dam seemed to listen to her father as he continued to talk what amounted to nonsense to her, though she would grunt with displeasure every few seconds.

Brenna, too, talked with the infant in her arms. "You are my babiest baby, but I think you might be even larger than Drerin was at your age. Are you hungry, my little prince?"

As she had done with Luna, she watched Therin suckle. She noticed that, just like his older brothers, he fed as though he hadn't eaten in days. Both Runa and Luna were more sedate eaters. Like with his sister, he had gotten all he could in only a few moments, but she let him suckle a little longer.

Elena and Dis were called far sooner than she would have liked, but her children were still hungry, and she could not, at the moment, give them more. Once they were gone, Kili pulled her into his arms and she leaned into him.

"That was nice, eh?"

She nodded happily. "Yes, it was."

They sat back against their headboard for a while. "Should I send for our oldest?"

"No, I think I would like to go to them."

For the first time since she had woken up, Brenna left the bed without prompting.

They began a pattern. The twins would first go to their parents, where they were doted on and talked to with the first half of their meal, then they were taken to Mila to finish. With each feeding, Brenna felt that she kept her babies longer and longer until, within the week, Mila and Bofur were able to take their little family home, and Brenna and Kili got to enjoy their twins the whole feeding at every feeding.

Y'all, this was so difficult to write. So many emotions. I was determined to leave this chapter on a positive note.