Chapter 11: Nothing of her Own

…

After the call, Sakura sat for a while longer, wordless. She had thought she would have longer to ready for the move. It didn't matter much, Sakura knew, since she would most likely move in with one of the girls until she found a home of her own. They'd already offered their homes to her when she had announced she'd put the house on the market, but nothing had been made official yet. There was most likely no emergency, either way. Unless the couple expected to move in by the end of the week, but that was highly unlikely.

"Good news?" Shikamaru said, startling Sakura out of her thoughts.

Sakura gave a quick nod, brittle smile on her lips. "Yes. I have an offer on the house. I'll accept it."

"Wonderful." Shikamaru stood and cleared the table. "Dessert?"

Sakura nodded again. "Sure. Why not. Will you eat it this time?"

"I won't," Shikamaru said. Sakura was about to protest, but he got a bottle of umeshu from the fridge. It was a brand she knew well and often favored due to its sweetness. "There's salt cookies too, if you want more."

Cocking her head to the side, Sakura sucked on her bottom lip. "Salt cookies? From the south?"

Shikamaru nodded. "Temari has an aunt from there that likes to send us some every now and then."

Sakura took the overfilled glass Shikamaru handed her. "I'd like some. If you don't mind."

"Not at all." After handing her a plate of the cookies, Shikamaru sat again, a glass of his own in his hands. "I don't like them, actually."

"I love them," Sakura said, picking one up. As she chewed on one, it struck her how Shikamaru had never reacted to her monologue. She washed down the salt from the cookies with a long sip of wine. It was an odd match, but she didn't mind. "Thanks for dinner. It was good."

Shikamaru simply nodded.

Sakura alternated between drinking and eating, a tinge of color to her cheeks. Shikamaru drank in silence for some time. She didn't know what to say, so she remained silent. Small talk was lost on him. When they had finished their glasses, he refilled them.

"You're not sending me away so fast today," Sakura chuckled. "I didn't think anything of it then, but our last meeting was very short."

"You weren't so comfortable the last time," Shikamaru answered. His cheeks were becoming darker, but Sakura could tell it was only the effect of the alcohol. She'd seen it often before - he was one of those people who flushed easily. "I thought you might appreciate it."

Sakura hummed. He wasn't entirely wrong. She hadn't known what to do with herself at the end of their conversation and walking home had done her good. "I did."

"Let's watch a movie."

Immediately, Shikamaru stood and walked away, taking the bottle and box of cookies with him. Sakura stared after him for a moment, blinking, then hurried to follow lest she get lost. Shikamaru led her to a living room that looked like it couldn't decide in which era it belonged. The floor was tatami mats on which stood a low, traditional table surrounded by four zabuton. Sakura held no affection for these old chairs she could never quite figure out how to sit comfortably in. Against the wall, there was a rather large tv, flanked by two bookcases filled with DVD cases.

"I never thought you were a movie fan," Sakura said, standing at his side while Shikamaru moved the table to a corner and arranged two zabuton so they could face the tv together comfortably. "That's an impressive collection."

Shikamaru held out a hand for her. Sakura took it and he helped her balanced her weight as she sat. "It's Shikadai's, actually."

"Really?" Sakura settled for sitting with her legs off to the side, away from Shikamaru's seat, and pulled her dress lower across her thighs. "You sure spoil him."

Once he'd picked a movie and put it in the player, Shikamaru sat with her, stretching long legs straight in front of him. "I don't. He bought all of this with money from his missions or his allowance."

"Wow."

As the movie played, Shikamaru didn't talk much. Sakura didn't mind - she was enjoying the movie. He'd picked a movie she could only assume was set in a faraway country, but its story was one common to the entire world. A father who protected his child at all cost, instilling in him the beauty of life even amidst a terrible war.

"Have you seen this movie before?" Sakura asked when he refilled her glass for the fourth time, emptying the bottle.

Shikamaru nodded.

"You don't talk much about yourself," Sakura whispered, as if there were other movie watchers to bother. "You make me say so much about myself, but you don't say a word about you."

"You didn't ask."

Sakura hummed, glass to her lips. "It's true. Say something, then."

"I enjoy your company," Shikamaru said simply.

Pout on her lips, Sakura gave his shoulder a weak shove. "No. Something better."

"Sometimes," Shikamaru began, interrupting his sentence with a long drink. "I wish I'd never gotten married."

"Why?" Sakura asked, frowning. "Don't you love your wife?"

"I do," Shikamaru said. "Of course I do. Life is easy."

"Then why?"

"Because it's…" Shikamaru frowned, then drank again. "It's too easy, maybe."

"How can life be too easy?" Sakura laughed, drinking another mouthful of wine. "I wish I had your problems."

"I don't know," Shikamaru answered, reclining further in his seat. "I don't feel that I deserve all I have. That could be why."

Sakura hummed. "I wouldn't worry so much about it. If you're good, good comes to you, I think."

Shikamaru didn't answer, so Sakura stopped paying attention to him and resumed watching the movie. It was slow paced, so she'd missed nothing. When her glass was empty once more and she stared at it a second too long, Shikamaru took it from her and left the room, only to come back with clean glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He must have an interest in alcohol, because he'd picked a bottle Sakura knew to be of high quality. He poured some for her and Sakura drank without complaint.

"I do enjoy your company," Shikamaru repeated after a time. "I meant it."

"That's nice of you to say," Sakura said, cheeks warm from both the alcohol and his flattery.

"That's a nice dress you're wearing."

Cheeks warmer, Sakura splayed a hand on the material of it that covered the top of her thighs. "You think so? I must've had it for more than a decade."

Shikamaru hummed and fell silent again. At some point, the movie ended and he stood to start another one. Sakura didn't protest, preferring to simply watch him. Like Kakashi, he favored wearing his uniform at all times as far as she could tell, though it hung closer to his body and he didn't wear the vest. Glass empty once more, Sakura set it between them on the tatami floor. She caught the movement of his hand from the corner of her eye, but it slipped from her mind quickly. Instead of refilling her glass, he brushed his fingers on her thigh, a few inches from her knee. Sakura kept her eyes plastered to the tv screen, holding her breath. His touch was soft, careful. Testing. When she didn't ask him to stop, he brought his palm higher and higher until he met with the hem of her dress. Sakura chanced a glance at him, but he was still watching the movie, focused eyes set on the screen. Then, he slid his fingers across her skin, towards the inside of her thigh. Sakura's breath hitched in her throat. He massaged the flesh there, rubbing lazily into it.

"So you were serious about it then," Sakura whispered.

Only a corner of Shikamaru's mouth lifted in a smirk. She knew what he was waiting for, but she didn't know what to give him. She knew he would read as much as he could into her answer and it bothered her.

"You're married," Sakura said. "You said you wouldn't do anything to upset your wife."

"And I'm not," Shikamaru answered, inching his hand up until his fingers brushed against her panties. Sakura swallowed. "We have our agreements."

"Oh."

Sakura entertained the thought that he might be lying to her, if only to receive an answer unburdened by her idea of morals, but decided against it. Shikamaru played games on the battlefield, but she liked to believe he had a fairer character off it. Sakura settled on leaving him hanging and didn't react further. Much to Sakura's disappointment, Shikamaru wasn't bothered. He kept rubbing circles in her skin, brushing against her panties on every inward stroke.

"You don't have to play games," he finally said. "Wherever this goes is fine."

Covering her mouth with a loose fist, Sakura tried to focus on the movie again, but heat was flaring in her abdomen already.

"I believe I can guess which way you want this go," he continued, emptying his glass. "You're not exactly hard to read."

Sakura sucked on her bottom lip, shutting her eyes. "What did I do?"

"Is that really a question?"

Sakura nodded. Shikamaru cupped her sex into his palm, pressing the heel of his palm against her clit and rubbing slow circles.

"You came here done up. You made it casual and it was subtle, but you were hurt when I didn't compliment you right when you arrived," he said. Sakura bit her tongue. He was right. He hadn't even looked at the nice heels she had worn. "You didn't react when I took your cup and you drank from mine. The way you sat with your legs crossed. You drink with me alone. The way you sat here."

"What about the way I sat here?" Sakura breathed, facade crumbling.

WIth his free hand, Shikamaru moved the glasses and bottle away. "You leaned towards me. Legs open just enough so I could see a little more of your thighs if I tried. You have nice thighs."

Sakura chuckled. She hadn't realized she had done any of that, save for being disappointed he didn't tell her she looked good tonight. She had bothered to put makeup on after all. "You're observant."

"Does that surprise you?" Shikamaru withdrew his hand and shifted closer to her, wrapping one arm around her shoulders.

"Not really."

He breathed against her neck and ran one hand down Sakura's leg, raising goosebumps where he touched. Sakura shut her eyes and breathed in deeply. His touch was lazy and slow, much unlike Kakashi's. Kakashi did take his time - when she and the situation allowed him - but his hands were entirely different. They touched her and held her always with a purpose, strong and determined. It never failed to send shivers down Sakura's spine. It felt as if he loved touching her, loved feeling and seeing her body. Almost like her body and self were two different entities.

On the other hand, Shikamaru's touch felt like a means to an end. He was doing a good job, too. Sakura was mellow in his arms, heartbeat quickening when he kissed her neck and slid his hand under her dress. Sakura opened her eyes to watch him when he began slipping the sleeves of her dress down her shoulders. He watched her as well, anticipating her reaction as he tended to. Sakura swallowed and closed her eyes once more. Before he continued, Shikamaru laid her down.

Kakashi didn't look at her the way Shikamaru did, either. If Kakashi didn't look at her the way he did, Sakura might have thought he really did just want sex. But when he looked at her, deep into her eyes, Sakura knew that was how he connected both the tangible and intangible parts of her. It was all very similar, in fact - both intense, determined and… Sakura could hardly find the right word. Loving, perhaps, but it didn't feel enough.

Shikamaru had moved her dress down and was now undoing her bra. The movie was still playing on the tv behind them, but Sakura had long lost track of its happenings. Running his hands down her sides, Shikamaru kissed from her shoulder down to between her breasts, leaving hot, humid spots on her skin. Then his hands were on her hips, fingers hooked into her panties and ready to pull them down.

"Open your eyes."

Sakura obeyed. Shikamaru stared down at her, long enough that Sakura thought to say something, but he sat on his heels, odd smile on his lips.

"I was right," he said. Sakura frowned. "You don't really want this."

"That's not - I - "

"It's fine," Shikamaru said before Sakura could say more. Cheeks burning, she sat up and retrieved her bra from the floor. "How about I walk you home?"

Sakura hurried to dress, avoiding Shikamaru's eyes. He wasn't wrong, but Sakura hadn't meant to stop him. "I, um, I think I'd rather go home alone."

Shikamaru nodded. Sakura chanced one look at him, both surprised and not that he appeared unaffected. Even as he escorted her to the door, he showed no sign of annoyance or anger. Sakura put her shoes on, heart hammering in her ears.

"We should have dinner again."

"What?" Sakura said, her mouth forming several silent words before she was able to continue. "But after this…"

"This won't happen again," Shikamaru said.

Sakura nodded, turning towards the door. "Okay. Well, I'll be on my way."

"Good night."

Sakura bid him good night as well and walked away. Her first few strides were of a forced natural, but as soon as she was certain that Shikamaru had closed the door and was no longer watching her, she sped up, legs reaching forward in long, hurried strides. It was late now, but hardly any colder than when she had left her own home. She longed for autumn nights that left her skin cool rather than clammy with sweat. In the humidity, she felt as if she might as well be swimming, but that was far from how her mind felt right now - after months of it, she no longer felt so. No. She wished it had been a fall night because it would have matched clarity that had seized her brain.

Sakura wanted to laugh. Stark as every of her thoughts and feelings appeared in her head, she was well aware she was no closer to a solution or decision. Yet, she was relieved. It didn't matter how things turned out, she thought, because what would happen would happen. She could only make the most of it and try not to hurt more people in the process. But hurt was a necessity - she had suffered it for a long time, and she could not free herself from it without transferring the pain to someone else. She would always keep a part of it sheltered in her heart, cradling it there to look back on during a dark night, to weep and marvel upon. It was a part of her. One that had long scared her and still did scare her; only its hold on her was broken.

Though she had contemplated going straight to Kakashi's apartment, Sakura opted to go home first. A shower was much needed. Then she could come clean to him - or as clean as the heat and humidity permitted. That, too, Sakura felt oddly at peace with. She wasn't perfect. No, she was far from perfect, but that was okay.

When she knocked on his door, Sakura stood there in silence, not daring so much as a breath. There were many things she wanted to tell him tonight and she still fought to organize her thoughts. Her heart should have been beating much harder than it was, yet it was quiet. Sakura welcomed it with open arms. She would need her cool. After a while, she finally exhaled and then resumed breathing. He hadn't answered and only now did Sakura realized that all his lights were out and she couldn't feel his presence. He wasn't home.

With a sigh, Sakura jogged down the stairs and headed to the curry restaurant two blocks down the street. He wasn't there, but Sakura nonetheless bought a meal to bring back home. Once there, she ate in the dark. The curry had grown as cold as it could and she ate without appetite. She had bought it on a whim - certainly not out of necessity - perhaps hoping it would somehow summon Kakashi. She had never eaten there without him, so it had seemed impossible that such a thing be possible. He wasn't there, though, so it obviously was.

Sakura sighed, lips tips around her spoon. She loved Kakashi. She truly did - and not only in the friendly and affectionate way she had already admitted to. She loved him. She wanted him by her side now and forever. She wanted the way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he talked with her, all of it. She wanted him here now. It was all selfish, Sakura knew, but it didn't stop her from wanting all of those things. She wasn't sure she deserved any of them, either, but she didn't dwell on the subject. Kakashi would decide, and that was okay too. It was like a bubble growing in her chest, ready to pop at any second. She needed to tell him. She didn't know what to do with those feelings yet, but they would figure it out. Telling him was the first step.

But Kakashi wasn't there, so Sakura ate her lukewarm curry by herself in silence.

…

Bare as the house was, it was lively. Ino and Shizune were in the living room, singing along with the karaoke DVD they had brought and played on the tv. With all the wine in their blood, they butchered the song, but no one seemed to mind. Naruto joined in, but his voice was offensive to Ino - she smacked him over the head and began bickering with him. On the couch, Yamato laughed, beer in hand. Hinata sat at his side, quiet and proper as always. The air was had been heavy between Hinata and Sakura when she had first arrived, but Sakura had smiled wide and been so cheerful that Hinata didn't take long to relax. Enough time had passed - Sakura had let go of her grudge. Tenten was right. It wasn't really her fault either.

"Are you sure that's not any bother?" Sakura said to Tenten, sipping her wine. "I wouldn't want to impose."

"Not at all!" Tenten insisted, one arm thrown over the back of her chair. "I offered. It'll break the monotony now that Chun is hardly ever in the house."

"Thanks," Sakura said.

Tenten paid it no mind. "So where's your beau? How come he isn't here?"

Sakura frowned. "My what?"

Tenten laughed, then winked. "Kakashi, of course. He's always there."

"Oh." Sakura stared down in the deep red of her wine. "He's been on a mission the last couple weeks. I haven't had a chance to invite him."

"Is that so?" It was said with such sarcasm and mock innocence that Sakura couldn't help but glare at Tenten. Tenten, though, didn't mind. "Well, that's sad, anyhow. He's been 'round here a lot. Don't you think he'll miss the house?"

Sakura shrugged. "Probably, but he knew I was selling it. I didn't think it would be so fast, though."

"You sure got lucky."

That much was true. Sakura had never expected to sell the house so fast. She was happy it did, though, as much as it broke her heart to leave behind the home she had raised Sarada in. There were many sad memories in this house, too, and those Sakura was happy to let go of. A fresh start was exactly what she needed. It would be another few weeks until the new owners moved in, but Sakura was almost entirely done packing. By the end of the week, she would have sent everything not immediately necessary into a storage and the rest in Tenten's apartment.

"Great party, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said, hugging her from behind. "This is the best way to say goodbye to an old friend!"

Sakura laughed, patting his arm. "Definitely is."

Naruto was right. Sakura looked around her, at everyone spread around her house. They all looked happy, with big smiles, rosy cheeks and bright eyes. Even Tsunade seemed unusually raucous, rough housing Yamato when he distracted Shizune too long from her. Ino had somehow convinced Hinata to sing karaoke. Shikamaru and Choji were quieter, playing chess on the table besides Sakura and Tenten, but they smiled too.

When her phone rang, Sakura started, then hurried to fish it out of her pocket to check the caller id. It was Sarada. Seeing the name, Naruto let her go immediately and Sakura hurried upstairs to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hi? Mom?"

"Yes, it's me, sweetie," Sakura answered, touching her fingertips to her lips as she entered her bedroom and kicked the door closed behind her. "It's so good to hear your voice."

"It's good to hear you too, Mom," Sarada said.

Sakura sat on her bed, fighting to suppress joy from reducing her to a mess of giggles and wails. "Are you okay? Is everything alright over there?"

"Yes, everything's fine, Mom. I'm okay," Sarada sighed, though she didn't sound so annoyed. "What about you? How's everyone?"

"We're all good, honey," Sakura answered. "It's quiet here. But…"

"But what?"

"I sold the house," Sakura said quickly, deciding to rip off the bandage rather than pull and tug at it all day. "I had to. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you - you left in such a hurry and - "

"It's alright, mom," Sarada cut in. "It's just a house. I don't mind. I wish I could have said goodbye, but it doesn't matter. I understand."

Sakura sighed, shutting her eyes. "Thank you, sweetie. You have no idea what this means to me. How's your father doing?"

"He's okay, I think," Sarada said, though she was suddenly quieter. Sakura's heart sank. She had never meant to make him suffer, much less cover his time with Sarada with dark clouds. "He's been taking me so far, Mom," Sarada continued. The wonder that took over her voice stole Sakura's breath. "It's been so amazing. Have you ever seen the mountains that border Iwa? They're gigantic…"

Sarada continued for a while. It had only been two months, but they had already travelled very far and Sarada had a lot to say about every single thing she saw. She enjoyed hunting, even. She said she liked knowing that she was feeding herself, that she needed no more than her bare hands to survive. Sakura recalled how she had felt herself when first exploring outside the walls of Konoha - she must have sounded much like her own daughter when she'd first come home to talk about the wonders of the outside world. It was grand, overwhelming, amazing, wonderful. It was all that Sarada was telling her, and Sakura knew, because she had seen it with her own eyes.

"We're heading towards the ocean now," Sarada continued. "I can't wait to see it. Have you ever seen it, Mom?"

"I have," Sakura said. "One time, when we were still genin, we went as a team. It was a mission, but it really felt more like a vacation, really. You'll see, it's beautiful. It's nothing like a pool or river."

"Dad says the water is super salty," Sarada said, and Sakura could hear the frown in her voice. "Is that true?"

"It is," Sakura laughed. "It hurts to swallow it, like your throat has dried out. Be careful with your eyes, too. It burns pretty bad."

"That's so weird."

Sakura shrugged. "It feels great, though. It's much warmer than a river. You'll see."

For a while longer, Sarada continued sharing every small detail that had drawn amazement from her. Sakura listened intently, a smile on her lips. It was hard to recall the last time Sarada had actually been a child this way, speaking excitedly of the smallest thing that Sakura since long paid no more attention to. Hearing her daughter, though, Sakura remembered how it had all felt as well.

"Oh, dad says I have to hang up," Sarada finally said. "Dinner's ready. I'm so happy I got to talk to you."

"Me too, sweetie," Sakura said, throat suddenly tight. "Call me again whenever you can."

"Yeah, I will. Bye, Mom!"

"I love you. Bye."

Sarada hung up, leaving Sakura to stare at her phone. For a long time, she stayed still, replaying the conversation in her mind, torn between smiles and tears. She wished Sarada could call back right now, however little sense that would make, if only to end the agony of not knowing when it would come. Much welcome, an interruption came in the form of Yamato's knock on the door and his concerned voice.

"Come in."

Yamato opened the door, peeking in to assess the situation. When it was neither too dire nor too rosy, he stepped inside and sat with Sakura on her bed.

"That was Sarada, wasn't it?" he asked, angled towards her to watch her. Sakura was always surprised to see the warmth in his eyes - he could be so cold and stoic, but not towards them or Kakashi.

"It was," Sakura said softly, nodding.

"Are you okay?"

Sakura nodded again. "I'll be fine."

"How is she doing?" he asked, smiling a little wider. "I haven't seen her in so long. It makes me regret not spending a little more time with her when I had the chance."

Though he was nowhere near as implicated as Kakashi was, sometimes Yamato did swing by with him to play with Sarada, whether it was with children's' toys or play fighting once she got older. Sarada seemed to like him and was, thankfully, unaffected by his scary face unlike Naruto.

"She always liked you," Sakura chuckled. "She's doing good. She seems to be having a lot of fun. Like we were when Kakashi took us under his wing. Without all the bingo book enemies, thankfully."

Yamato laughed and nodded. "You were rather unlucky."

Sakura fell silent, watching her phone again. Though she was fine now, what guaranteed that Sarada wouldn't meet such hellish monsters as well? Peace had fallen upon them, but would it last? Sakura bit her tongue. She shouldn't think of that. What had happened to them couldn't even be deemed once in a lifetime. Once it the history of the entire world, maybe. Still, she couldn't help but be worried.

Yamato squeezed her shoulder, snapping her from her thoughts. "We should go back. Your guests are waiting."

Sakura offered him a smile, nodding. "I'll just be a minute."

Yamato looked at her a moment longer, comforting smile on his face, before he left. Sakura exhaled a long breath. She fished into her pockets for the house keys and stared at them. Without her daughter with her and soon without a house, Sakura truly felt like she had nothing of her own left.