Disclaimer: None of the fandoms represented are mine. Stark would still be alive, Tony would be happier, and Reid would've gotten the girl.

"Let me explain something to you Agent Perkins," Jack began, finally fed up with the visiting agent's attitude. "Every single person in this building outranks you, up to and including the waitress you just insulted. You will apologize, or I will be making phone calls."

Perkins snorted snidely, "Like you could do anything. You're just a hicktown sheriff with a rambo barbie sidekick. My boss would never believe anything you had to say, especially when your only witnesses are a bunch of nerds and waitresses."

Jo looked like she was ready to kill someone, but Jack held up his hand, "I should let Jo have her way. I'm sure some of these nerds and waitresses would have some way to get rid of the evidence, but I think something else would be better. I want you to take a look around at all the people you just insulted, Perkins. Take a good look. That waitress behind the counter has a 4.6 GPA and a full ride scholarship to Harvard waiting for her graduation day. Her security level is two points higher than yours. Vincent, the owner of this amazing cafe, has a doctorate in molecular gastronomy which he uses to make food that I've seen people contemplate killing for. He has four security levels on you. The couple at the table behind you has published a combined total of eighty-six papers on different types of armor used by police and military forces all over the world as well as written numerous articles they aren't allowed to publish on experiments you aren't cleared to know about. My so-called "rambo barbie sidekick" graduated from West Point and was in the Special Forces, working in countries you are not allowed to know exist before she came here to retire peacefully. She is the tenth highest ranking person in this town when it comes to security clearance, ranking above all but one of the scientists currently in this room. She could kill you in your sleep and make a very decent case for self-defense, and I don't think anyone in this town would convict her."

Not wanting to look weak, Perkins raised his chin and asked, "What about you, Barney? Are you going to tell me that you're higher ranking than me, too?"

Jack almost sneered, "I'm here on special assignment from the US Marshal Service, Agent. When I started working here, I was barely above what Zoe is now, but that changed over time. My clearance is the second highest in this building and fifth highest in the town. Only four scientists outrank me, and I know that my phone has more numbers in it than yours." He paused to let that sink in before continuing, "So, who should I call first? The FBI is closest. Agent Hotchner just finished up a case about thirty miles from here, and Agent Epps works not too far south of here. Of course, I could call Agent Fornell, he always has people in the area. You know, I think I'll skip them and head straight for the top... Agent Gibbs is in charge of NCIS while they're trying to find a new director now that Vance has left, right? I'm sure he would love to hear about one of his agents trying to take over a case that has nothing to do with his agency, trying to destroy the evidence of said case when it didn't suit him, and attempting to subvert the proper chain of command just because his second cousin sprained an ankle when the lab three doors from his exploded after hours. What do you think, Jo?"

"I think it's a good idea," she said, smirking at how pale the agent seemed, "and you should call General Mansfield while you're at it. He might want to know about how an NCIS agent almost destroyed a multi-million dollar military project he's been trying to push through for the last six months."

"That's a good plan, Jo. We should also call Stark. He's looking for the one responsible for the secondary explosion in Lab Sixteen. He mentioned something about a sanction, but I might've misheard him," Jack replied with a grin that made him look like a perfectly innocent angel. Turning sharklike, he turned back to the agent, "Now, I think you were going to apologize to my daughter Zoe here?"

Perkins nodded quickly before he turned to the young waitress, said a hasty apology, and left as fast as he could without fleeing.

Before he got fully out the door, Jack had one last parting shot for him, "Agent Perkins, I suggest you be a little more careful before you insult people... I've known Gibbs for nearly twenty years, and he doesn't like it when someone insults a young woman, especially when that girl is his honorary niece. Have a nice day, and get out of my town."

As the agent almost ran out the door, the people in the cafe stood up and cheered as one.

Jo walked over to stand beside him, "Did Gibbs hear it?"

"I had him and Stark on a conference call when Perkins started flinging insults. Speaking of...," he lifted his phone to his ear, "why was he hired in the first place, Gibbs?"

-page break-

Four days later, Erik Perkins walked into NCIS feeling like he had dodged a bullet. He hadn't heard from that hick town sheriff since he left Eureka, and Gibbs hadn't called him either. He figured that Carter was just bluffing about everything. He walked past security, not noticing the looks the guards were giving him, and finally sat at his desk. A few minutes later, a hush fell over the bullpen. Perkins looked up to see everyone in sight looking behind him. Turning slowly, he stared up into the face of his doom.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs looked down, "Perkins. My office. Now."

Standing slowly, Perkins followed Gibbs into the director's office where Special Agent DiNozzo was waiting with FBI Special Agents Fornell and Hotchner.

"Have a seat, Special Agent Perkins."

End

-Author's Note-

This was partially written out of boredom and partially after reading a lovely Jack/Jo story where there are two idiots that are put in their place by Jack (fanfiction s/7177732/1/The-Alpha-Male-Thing by SageK). It has not been beta read and all errors are mine.