I AM ALIIIVEEE!
*dodges numerous tomatoes being thrown at my face*
OK yes I do realize I am a terrible human being because I have been procrastinating like hell for the past more than a year. I am very very very very very very very very very sorry.
Reasons for procrastinating: Lemme think, school, uh school, school, school, school, yeah you get the idea. I really did try during the summer, but reading through my cringy-ass stuff from like a year ago really doesn't help motivate me. Later when this story is actually finished, I might go back and edit those first few chapters do they're a little better and less cringy.
Also, really bad planning! Piece of advice to anyone starting a story: make a fricking plan. Like not just the main points a really really really really really detailed plan with all the minor events and crap. My biggest problem was not knowing what to write between the big plot points so everything kinda seemed boring, and I don't do well with boring stuff.
On a happier note, this story has 40 reviews! I'm not sure exactly what I did for this to deserve this many reviews (it definitely isn't my procrastinating skills) but here's a big
THAAAAANK YOOUUUUUU!
to all the people who bothered to review. It makes my day to read all your nice comments!
Precap:
Chappie 1- England is hella tired of standing around while Voldie's vomit inducing attacks are happening. Dumbledore, with hella good timing, asks if Arthur can replace Binns and he agrees. Positive: he gets to make sure Harry Potter kills Voldemort. Negative: turns out, Umbridge likes England. Oh boy.
Chappie 2- After a world meeting without England, America has come to the conclusion that Scottish aliens have kidnapped him to a place called 'Hogwarts' (despite every other country telling him that England's teaching wizards). Scotland shows America the wonders of the Howler, which is of course sent to England (cuz talking letters are way cooler) informing him that America is coming to rescue him from aliens. Cue suspicious Golden Trio. England teaches his first lesson and receives a romantic/sickening/semi-threatening letter from Umbridge, inviting him to her office Friday night.
Chappie Three- Canada and the rest of the Allies are forced to accompany America on the quest to rescue England from the aliens' clutches. RIP America's daughter/plane, which exploded into pieces upon arrival, (cough, RUSSIA, cough) sending America into a dead faint for basically the rest of the chapter (cough, RUSSIA, cough). According to France, you can get to Hogwarts through King's Cross (the sooner they prove wizards are real the better) so the Allies ask around. Russia blunty asks a witch with pink hair where Hogwarts is, and that they're searching for someone there to kill him (I guess he was ticked off at that time or something). Pink Hair Stuns him, but it doesn't work so well cuz he's a nation. Pink Hair Apparates the heck outta there and America finally wakes up.
Chappie Four- Harry overhears that Professor Kirkland has no Ministry records, which apparently is hella shocking. Hermione develops a theory that Kirkland and his weird friends with country nicknames are a third party of spies assigned to specific countries. That explains the lack of records and the codenames and the over stereotypicalness of Kirkland (foreigner trying to hard to be not foreign). Meanwhile, England's getting severe headaches he recognizes as headaches countries get when their country is at war with itself. His situation would be English Order of the Phoenix vs English Death Eaters. (Unfortunately, Advil doesn't do crap).
DISCLAIMER: I NO OWN HETALIA OR HARRY POTTER OR THE COVER PHOTO
(Previously with the Allies...)
America leaped out of Russia's arms, pointing in a random direction.
"We'll start searching over there for Iggy!"
~OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO~
America POV
This was all the Commie Bastard's fault.
America, like a proper hero, had been asking all the English people where King's Cross was (so he could find Iggy and save him from the aliens), but they hadn't gotten any replies yet. Which was probably because someone (cough, Russia, cough) was waving around a metal pipe threateningly (for no reason at all) while America asked the English dudes. Soon enough, the streets within, like, a ten-mile radius were empty.
To make things worse, China, France, and the other guy went searching some other place, so he was stuck with the Commie Bastard.
Alright, that is it! America pointed accusingly at Russia. "For f*ck's sake, stop chasing away the civilians!"
"I am doing no such thing. It is the fault Англии (of England) that his citizens are so spineless, da?" Russia said innocently.
"I don't speak your stupid commie language, dammit," America deadpanned.
"Kolkolkolkolkolkolkolkol..."
They rounded the corner and America crashed right into a cosplayer with black robes, a skull mask, and a stick. Damn, England sure had some weird people.
"Uh, hey dude!" America greeted awkwardly. It wasn't everyday he saw a skull-faced weirdo. "Nice costume, but isn't it a little too early for Halloween? Also, do you know where King's Cross is?"
"Filthy Muggle trash!" the guy growled, brandishing the stick.
"Hey! What's wrong with asking for directions?" And what the heck was a 'Muggle'?
The guy muttered something close to "Abracadabra" (was he going to do a magic trick?) and his stick shot out a green light which smacked Russia right in the face.
For a moment, nothing happened. And then Russia toppled over. America blinked.
"What the hell, man? Did you seriously just kill Ru—uuuuuhh, Ivan?" He exclaimed, examining Russia's body. He kicked it a few times. "Yep, he's dead alright. By the way, that's a really nice stick, you know where I can get one—?"
America was very rudely interrupted by another green light shooting towards him, which he dodged.
"HEY! I thought English people were supposed to be like, gentlemen or whatever!" America yelled. The rude, creepy, green death ray shooting, calendar-blind cosplayer sneered and stepped right in front of Russia.
The cosplayer guy raised his stick again (which was very fancy for a stick, even if it shot green death lasers). "Watch your head, Muggle!"
"Oh, I'm not the one you should be concerned about," America said, looking just behind the guy. "Watch your head!"
Cosplayer Dude looked up right into a shiny metal pipe.
"Nighty-night, Ублюдок (bastard)!" Russia, who had gotten up again, slammed Mr. Pipe right into Cosplayer Dude's skull. He raised it again, then slammed it back down.
Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
"Okay, okay, Commie, stop smacking the guy," America intervened when the hit count reached five. "He's half-dead already and I don't feel like writing the paperwork when he does die."
Russia reluctantly put his pipe back inside his coat. "If he tries to kill me again, I will not be so merciful next time. Do you hear that, Mr. Englishman?"
Cosplayer Dude muttered something, then went limp.
"Russia! You just got us both extra paperwork—"
"Do not worry, comrade. He is only unconscious." Russia smiled again and kicked the cosplayer aside. "Now, let us go kill England!"
"Wait what?! Since when was that the plan? I said save, not kill!" America emphasized. "I don't know about Russian, but in English, 'save' and 'kill' are very different things!"
"It is quite simple. Kill England, and the wizards will—"
"Aliens."
"The wizards," Russia corrected, "will think he is dead, fire him, then he will have no choice but to return. Simple, da?"
America considered that. "I guess it technically works..."
"Good—"
"Wait a minute, I can't kill England!" America, a hero, had come to save England from aliens, not wizards, (not that they existed) so Russia's plan wouldn't work. Plus, America really didn't feel like listening to the commie's ideas. "The aliens will just keep his dead body and eat him or something!"
"Amerique!" a voice yelled. It was France. "Zhere you are!" France ran over, China by his side (it felt like there was another person meant to be there too, but he couldn't think of anyone). America quickly pulled them over.
"Did you guys find the King's Cross place?" America said. "We need to find the aliens and Iggy fast," his voice dropped to a whisper, "because Russia is going to kill him! And then the aliens are gonna eat him alive!" He paused. "Or while he's dead!"
"Quoi? (What?) Who would want to eat Angleterre?"
"Comrade, you do know I can hear you, right?"
"..."
"Uhh...yoooou saaaaw nooothiiiiing," America tried, waving his hands around.
Russia glared, unimpressed.
"Okaaay...sooo, what'd you guys find in this creepy-ass place?" America asked China, quickly changing the subject.
"Nothing very interesting aru," he replied, as France added with a smile, "We were definitely searching for non-existent aliens, not like, beating up an English cook."
"Mmm...yep, that sounds reasonable."
"Although there is a missing Number 12 in these apartments, eh," someone muttered. America whirled around.
"WHOA! Canada, when'd you get here?"
"Um...I was always here..."
He laughed. "Sure, bro, sure. When are you going to share your powers of teleportation with me?"
"Wait, so you think I can teleport, but you don't think magic exists?"
"Yeah! What's so wrong about that?"
Canada slapped his palm on his forehead just as someone swore violently. America looked around and found the source.
A man wearing a tattered waistcoat was creeping out of an alley. He was held a teetering stack of round pot things, which looked like chamber pots (1) (Thank goodness for indoor plumbing, America thought). The pots clattered to the ground as the man swore again. To America's surprise, he picked up a stick (similar to the one Cosplayer Dude was holding), muttered something, and the pots f*cking floated.
"What the hell?" America muttered. "He looks like that cosplayer guy Commie Bastard and me saw earlier." Floating pots? Death ray stick things? Strange outfits? Convenient appearance right in front of a shady location? It's obviously—
"See, America aru, that is a—"
"An alien! That's gotta be one of the aliens who kidnapped Iggy!" America exclaimed, interrupting the interrupter who had interruptedly interrupted his not-to-be-interrupted thoughts. Finally, he was getting somewhere! "The other dude must've been an alien too! I was wondering why an English guy was so rude!"
"...He is a wizard, comrade. A wizard."
"Zhis wizard's fashion sense eez even worse zhan Angleterre's," France murmured, cringing. "Zhat makes 'im alien enough for me."
"See, France agrees with me!" America whooped, pumping his fist. He raised his hand and pointed at the English alien who was totally cowering in fear at his heroic-ness. "Let's get him!"
The alien yelled something in his alien language (albeit with a British accent, but America figured it was because he was, after all, an English alien) and waved the stick around. The pots shrunk and zoomed into his pockets. Then, he pointed it at America.
"Obliviate!" the alien cried, swinging his stick, then jabbing it forwards. The green light, too fast for him to dodge, streaked right towards America.
And that's it, folks!
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Huehuehue just kidding! Happy April Fool's! (Don't worry I hate cliffhangers too)
When America was hit with the alien's green laser thing, he expected it to kill him like it did to Russia. Nice and simple.
Since he was a country, he'd be able to get right back up and scare the guy sh*tless. Then he figured he'd pull a Russia and beat the living lights outta him until he was only three-quarters dead (see, he knew fractions!).
What he didn't expect was the nice floaty feeling he felt, like when the dentist used laughing gas that one time he actually got a cavity (who knew countries could get them too?). He was slightly aware of his body tipping back as time slowed down and everything turned white and seemed to float away.
His mind became foggy and for a second he could barely recall his own name much less anything else as he floated in the white, cloudy abyss...
And then his brain burned as hundreds of years' worth of memories flooded back through his head.
I love you Big Brother! You're so cool—Hey, I'm the hero! I'll save you—England I just want freedom your tea sucks—Woah my house is so big now—GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD—The North should win—no, South—Europe's going crazy f*ck now I'm broke Japan why did you do that phew now the war's finally over I gotta beat the commies screw you Russia gotta saveIggyfromalienswaitwhydoIfeellikeI'mfalling—
America's eyes snapped open as he realized that yes, he was still falling backward (directly into Russia).
"Holy sh*t!" America thrust a wobbly leg out behind him to stop the fall and spectacularly failed. His foot slipped (on a conveniently placed banana peel, of all things. Why didn't he notice that earlier?) (2), and he plopped right into Russia's open arms.
America could practically feel Russia smirking. "It seems that this time, I am the hero, and you are the 'damsel in distress', da?"
"Dammit, ya commie gimme ma freedom right now I have oil and I want somma that gold," America slurred, wiggling out of Russia's grasp. His head was pounding like he had a hangover (except this was a thousand times worse). Everything he just remembered all felt as if it had literally just happened two seconds ago, and he still wasn't quite sure exactly what era it was. What the hell did that alien do?
"Zhey look quite cute togezher, non? Alzhough I must admit zhat I prefer Amerique to be wizh Angleterre instead..." America heard France murmuring in the background.
"Don't worry, Amerika," Russia said, hearing France. "I won't do anything unspeakable to you. After all, I wouldn't want to be cheating on my Yao-Yao, da?"
"WHAT THE HELL, ARU?!" China sputtered, his face turning a very bright shade of red. "I am not with-" he was cut off as Russia glomped him and smiled serenely (France was doing his weird little "ohonhonhon" thing behind them).
America, rubbing his forehead, (he was still having that one heck of a headache) turned around, just in time to see the alien pointing the stick at them.
Oh no, you don't.
He rushed forward and tackled the alien down to the ground, where he preceded to beat the hell out of him. And this time, he wasn't gonna aim for only three-quarters dead.
~Time Skippie~
Russia POV
"Aiyah, Meiguo (America) aru, you shouldn't have gone so hard on that human! With your super strength, he could've died aru!"
"China, dude, this guy's a British alien, I don't think he can die that easily—"
"AIYAHHHH!"
With the unconscious wizard tied up in duct tape with all kinds of lewd doodles and bruises on his face (courtesy to America), Russia decided that this trip wasn't quite so boring as he originally thought. Perhaps he could hold off his original plan (killing England for wasting his time and America for still not giving him that sunflower).
They were in a dim-lighted room in an abandoned warehouse nearby, surrounding the wizard (who America still thought was an alien) who was bound to a chair. An awkward silence fell as China finished lecturing that capitalist pig.
"Urrrrgg..."
"Hey, you're awake, Asslien!"(3) America grinned. The wizard-alien had lifted his head to stare at the Capitalist Pig.
"So, Asslien (that was such a childish nickname. Russia definitely could come up with a much better one), let's have a little chat, shall we?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Oh wait, you can't! Your mouth is duct taped! Ahahahaha!"
Somewhere else...
"Dumbledore, I came across a group of dangerous Muggles!"
"Would you please explain more, Miss Tonks?"
"There were these four (or five?) men in Muggle clothes, but they knew about magic and were resistant to my Stunner!"
"Dumbledore, Mundungus was supposed to come back hours ago. Are you sure we should have him in the Order?"
"Molly, Miss Tonks, one at a time, please. Miss Tonks, continue."
"They were asking where Hogwarts was, and a creepy tall one wanted to kill someone there!"
"Not to worry, Miss Tonks. It seems that they don't know where Hogwarts is yet so we still have some time. I'll warn everyone in the staff to keep an eye out for suspicious people. Molly?"
"That nasty Mundungus disappeared hours ago and he still hasn't come back. If he was captured, that coward would definitely spill everything about the Order."
"Mrs. Weasley, Dung's probably just caught up with something shady again. Earlier I scouted the area and there weren't any Death Eaters nearby, so there shouldn't be any threats...except for those Muggles..."
"..."
"Oh dear."
Another somewhere else...
"You! Death Eater whose name I don't care to know!"
"Yes, my lord?"
"You are late. Cru—"
"Wait! My lord, I-I have news that would interest you!"
"...Tell me, then. I will merciful this time."
"My lord, earlier, there was a Muggle. He survived the Killing Curse."
The Dark Lord's lips curved into an unnatural smile. "Describe this...Muggle. If he is one."
"He had violet eyes and silver hair. I think they were going to King's Cross."
"Well, that is quite interesting." The Death Eater let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding.
"Avada Kedavra." A green light flew out of the Dark Lord's wand and the Death Eater crumpled to the floor.
"No Death Eater should be bested by a filthy Muggle, immortal or not." A thin, white finger pointed to a greasy haired Death Eater.
"This Muggle is likely headed for Hogwarts. Watch for him."
"Do I capture him, my lord?"
The Dark Lord paused. "Not yet. If there are more immortals in this world, then this one will surely lead us straight to the others."
(1)- Chamber pots were basically toilets before indoor plumbing. People would do their business in a pot which would be dumped outside or in the river or something so they could use it again.
(2)- That 'conveniently placed banana peel' was put there by the matchmaking gods.
(3)- Asslien is a combo of "asshole" and "alien".
So yeah, that's Chappie Five! Thanks for waiting so dang long, but I'm partially done with Chapter 6 already and actually did a sh*t load of planning ahead, so this probably won't happen again (well recently happen again...hopefully. Can't promise anything with exams and all). Hooray now I'm a responsible child!
As for my other story (The Black Triangle Really Messed Up This Time!) I have actually come up with a plot for that so it isn't like a thing I just wrote randomly 'cause I was bored (heheh...that totally isn't true) so hopefully I can sort of work out a thing where I can update this story and my other story pretty evenly and maaaaaybee start up another story (these plot bunnies will not leave me alone) I have an idea for but that'll probably be sometime after I write like 15 more chapters for either this story or my other one.
Once again, sorry for all my procrastinating, and be sure to drop a review (even if it's something like "UPDATE ALREADY!" you can do it). Constructive criticism is always welcome, so don't be afraid to say "this sucks" as long as you tell me why.
Ciao!
~Russia's Magic Pipe ^J^