Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warnings: Language.

I added a second chapter as people seemed to like the first one, so this is for everyone that reviewed, favourited or followed, thank you for your kindness – I hope it's not a disappointment. This, like the previous chapter, is resolutely not to be taken seriously. Reviews and constructive criticism would be very much appreciated and as always thank you for taking the time to read my stuff whether or not you like, follow, review or favourite :) I don't expect responses but any that are received believe me are treasured – if you notice a typo or grammatical glitch I would love to know about it and would consider it a compliment to have it reported :)

Straw Hat Dictionary

Law wasn't entirely sure what dictionary the Straw Hats were running with. Whatever its origin it was, resolutely, not a standard edition. It seemed to be lacking a vast number of words and the ones it did include had decidedly scrambled definitions.

A short time into their alliance Law had begun compiling his own mental copy of the "Straw Hat Dictionary". This wasn't an activity he began for fun but an attempt to learn that special brand of Straw Hat logic that most people would classify as insanity so he might be able to perhaps not quite rationalise but at least predict with some accuracy what bonkers thing they were going to say or do next.

This goal was still very much a work in progress.

It was also an activity that required precision control; a little insight could go a long way after all. He wanted to understand them better, but not sympathise: Law decided almost immediately that to sympathise with the Straw Hat frame of mind was a dangerous proposition indeed. He might take on some of their more questionable personality traits or something and that way madness lurked. He had to keep it detached and clinical.

Hierarchy; It had all started with the word "hierarchy". All crews that Law knew of, pirate, Marine or otherwise, had this concept and it was absolute in terms of definition and implementation – there was no wiggle-room and there were no special cases where a ranking member of the crew could be overruled. As with many words and concepts on the Thousand Sunny, the Straw Hat crew took the generally accepted definition of a hierarchy, gleefully turned it upside down and inside out then pointed at it and giggled from afar as it flopped around in distress.

Navigating all the bylaws, loopholes and provisos that went with defining the Straw Hat pecking order required a manual all its own.

Luffy as the Captain was in general overall charge, true, but there were so many exceptions that went with the whole "having final say in where they went and what they did" thing it wasn't even funny. For example, if a captain of another crew demanded his ships' cook make him a snack at any time of the day or night, he'd get a damn snack. On the Thousand Sunny, he was just as likely to get an impression of a dress shoe left in his face; the sort of impression that lingered for hours, not seconds.

And heaven help him if he did anything untoward with the ships' finances. In that respect Nami was in absolute charge; captain or no captain, if it put its filthy hands on her treasure without a good reason it was going to live the rest of its short and pitiful life in abject regret.

She was the undisputed navigator on this ship. Much to her horror she had little say in where the Straw Hats went, but she did have absolute control in how they got there. If she ran out on deck and began barking orders, everyone jumped to obey them without the slightest hesitation, whimsical captains and grumpy swordsmen included. The first time this happened Law had been somewhat sceptical, though ten minutes later when a massive cyclone of death and damnation had appeared in the exact spot they had previously been headed for he found himself looking at Nami with a newfound respect. Next time she started barking orders about sails and lines even he had rushed to obey her without thought or question.

Law had never seen Robin give something so demanding as an order, but if she did he was pretty sure she would be obeyed both without hesitance and immediately. Let's just say Law wouldn't be the one to challenge her authority muscles should she ever feel the need to flex them.

But here was the thing; Robin may not be the oldest Straw Hat but she was definitely the most mature and at first Law had thought her the most likely to undermine the Captain's authority whether intentionally or not. However, while somehow managing to maintain the poise and quiet dignity he had come to associate with her, Robin had turned out to be the one most likely to follow orders from any of her fellow Straw Hats. Well, the ones that fell above a certain threshold of stupidity at least. She was apparently not about to make a complete idiot of herself, though Law had discovered that she was willing to go along with a fair amount of ridiculousness; moreso than he would have first thought. Devil Child Nico Robin was not quite so above it all as one might guess.

He had assumed Zoro was the second in command at first, an assumption he had since discovered was common to outsiders once they had worked out he wasn't the captain. On closer association though, Law had come to the conclusion that putting Zoro in charge of anything other than kicking arse and taking names was a tactical blunder of apocalyptic proportions. Now, while he was, in his defence, very good at kicking arse and taking names, it had become clear quickly that it was important in particular to keep him the hell away from anything involving directions. The man navigated by clouds for heaven's sake and thought "up" and "north" were interchangeable.

And good luck with convincing the ship's cook to take orders from this supposed first mate. Sanji took orders from Luffy occasionally – always when they were serious in their delivery – and without fail from women. This wouldn't be so bad if it was limited to female Straw Hats, but apparently he was subservient to any female in the vicinity; enemy, ally or random passer-by alike. This added a layer of complexity to everything and was frankly infuriating. The number of times they'd had to fish the man out of a brothel was staggering given that Law had only stopped with them at maybe two ports. The fact that never once did he appear to be doing anything more lascivious in those brothels than cooking up a feast for the lady residents there while intermittently suffering epic nosebleeds was even more staggering.

After seeing Black-Leg Sanji in action on the battlefield it was easy to assume he had been recruited as an exceptional fighter who happened to also know his way round a galley. It was only after a period of observation that it became clear it had actually been the other way round; he had been recruited as a first class chef who also happened to kick arse with flair, great aplomb and a jauntily angled cigarette.

The kitchen was Sanji's lair, food his domain and nutrition his undisputed area of authority. The true value of his meals shone through in the health and wellbeing of the crew – there was no scurvy on this ship, no deficiencies in vitamins, minerals or anything else that could go wrong in meeting dietary needs and he somehow managed to achieve balanced nutrition while also catering to the tastes of every crew member. His true area of expertise was somewhat overshadowed by his fighting abilities, but as a captain himself, Law couldn't help but notice and admire this sort-of-hidden skill.

Chopper shared responsibility for the general health and wellbeing of the crew with the cook. He was the ship's doctor and the resident medical authority, though Luffy, Sanji and especially Zoro tended to disregard his advice as soon as they regained consciousness and the ability to remove their own bandages. Those three were in a league of their own and definitely classifiable as monstrous in Law's opinion, and as a doctor himself did not envy Chopper's role one little bit. It couldn't be easy when the patients were so uncooperative.

Chopper mixed all manner of potions and remedies and his knowledge was far more extensive than mere anatomy. He did indeed treat the big and dramatic wounds, but also the trifling things too. The little reindeer could sense a mild condition coming on a mile away and managed to treat any sort of affliction almost before the symptoms were known to the afflicted.

Franky was a law unto himself and a menace to all those around him. Though also, he was uncontested in his role as shipwright. He may not have the sense to know that speedos were not the best look for him but when it came to anything structural he was trusted implicitly. Fashion sense aside, he was the one that kept the Thousand Sunny running and operational and he did a horrifically good job. Law was frankly shocked and left gaping at how the man-slash-cyborg-slash-pervert could be so very adept at his job.

In regard to orders, Franky followed the ones he found most "super"; if no orders at the time sounded "super" enough he made up his own. Law had long since given up trying to follow his logic in these cases – he was pretty sure the day that he did understand it would also mark the day he was ready to be committed to an institution that served its dinners with the kind of plastic cutlery sets that had sporks but no knives.

Usopp was in charge of shooting things from a distance, lying and setting himself (and others) on fire. He was the easiest to understand in these terms, the one constant that could be relied upon and Law was grateful for his steadfast cowardice. He always deferred to the command of the scariest person present – if more than one scary person gave him differing orders, he hid behind Zoro.

Brook was in charge of entertainment, specifically music, and as far as Law could tell, making a prat of himself at every possible opportunity. If it was possibly wearing panties, the skeletal musician would ask to see them and then be brained by the navigator and/or cook for his troubles. It was just the way of things.

So, the term "Hierarchy" was suitably butchered, and it was not the only word Law found himself needing to redefine in face of Straw Hat Logic. Not by a long shot.

Forethought was one of the words that was missing entirely. For devil fruit users who couldn't swim and were in serious peril of drowning, Luffy, Brook and Chopper spent an alarming amount of their time overboard. Even more alarming was the percentage of these suicide excursions that resulted from them jumping over the railings by themselves of their own free will. One would fall overboard by accident then the other two would panic and dive in after them, leaving all three in need of being rescued by someone who could, you know, actually freaking swim.

Alliance was a word that was defined, in all dictionaries that he was aware of, as being a mutual thing. Mutual! As in, both parties agreed to it. The Straw Hat dictionary, however, seemed to state that this whole alliance thing need only be one-sided to be valid.

Once you were in an alliance with Luffy, there was no getting out of it. You were his friend – a status which brought as many joys as sorrows – and that was that. You had no choice or option to refute the friendship, whether you wanted to or not and whether it was beneficial to Luffy and his Straw Hats or not.

Compromise. This word was included in the dictionary, but the definition was not extensive. Law had learned the stories of how a number of the Straw Hats had joined up in a bid to gain intel on Luffy, and these had only reinforced how the captain viewed this subject.

Sanji had told him how he'd declined Luffy's invitation at first only to have Luffy come back with: 'I refuse your refusal'. This pretty much summed up Luffy and his Straw Hat's whole attitude to compromise. Law was certain this was the entire and only definition for it in the Straw Hat Dictionary; 'Compromise: I refuse your refusal'.

Strategy. Oh god, strategy. Law was convinced that Luffy grasped the concept but chose to wilfully disregard any sort of plan that didn't suit his whims at any given second.

The Straw Hat captain had very much attended the blunt force trauma school of strategy. It was not a particularly advanced curriculum from an intellectual standpoint and tended to leave every mouth in the area hanging open in wake of its execution.

Whether the jaws were dropped from awe or incredulity were just about even odds. Whenever Law happened upon a situation where more than three bystanders were gaping off in the same direction with their eyes popping out of their sockets his first thought these days was a mildly interested 'huh, what did Luffy do now?'.

Diplomacy. Law had heard the horror stories regarding Luffy's absolute lack of tact. The only reason he didn't dismiss them as overblown fiction was because he'd seen enough of it first hand to know never to underestimate Luffy's ability to say the worst thing possible at the worst possible time. Pica of the squeaky falsetto sprang instantly to mind.

And so Law had the first draft of the Straw Hat Dictionary typed up in his head but refused to actually write it out. As a literary work it probably wouldn't garner much interest outside a certain specific crew, so there would be no point in penning his thoughts. No one would believe him anyway.

Still, he couldn't help but keep a copy in his head. Sailing away from Dressrosa with all his personal demons laid to rest and his life inexplicably intact, Law just couldn't help but hold a special place in his heart for the mental copy of his Straw Hat Dictionary. As a big, scary Schichi-bukai he would happily die a horrible death before admitting this though, just so you know.