Summary: Law is subjected to Straw Hat Logic and clings to the hope it's not too infectious.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

This is set at some point after Punkhazard but before Dressrosa, and rated for language. Author's note is at the end to save cluttering up the top. Whether you review, like, favourite or not, thank you for taking the time to read my work :)

Straw Hat Logic

This was not a normal ship. Shit was way weirder here than the mysterious Florian Triangle could ever hope to achieve. Law had known the captain of the Straw Hat pirates was daft as a brush right from the start and this had of course been a clue as to the mental state of the rest of the crew, but he just could never have imagined they'd all manage to be quite as barking as they were independently of Luffy. No one could ever imagine, he thought with a shudder, no sane person had the capacity to even conceive of their levels of lunacy without having experienced it firsthand. The wildest dreams of a sane person would not come close to containing even half the things they did on a daily basis.

And it got worse. It was starting to affect Law. The Surgeon of Death had never felt a shiver of fear quite as cold as the one that raced down his spine now at the prospect that he might end up as just plain loopy as them if he remained in their company much longer. Before he had temporarily joined up with them he had never even once felt the urge to spontaneously proclaim his dislike of bread to the world.

They lashed immobile reindeers (coincidentally the ship's doctor, of course) to his hat. When there was a need to move quickly, they instead declared a feast and partied until dawn (with marines, naturally). When a precision stealth strike was required, they barrelled in loudly through the front door screaming the exact reason for their presence. To them, breakfast was not a time to quietly eat and peacefully reflect before beginning the day, it was a freaking contact sport. And, to top it all off, they acted like everything they did was perfectly logical.

And this Straw Hat Logic was going to be the death of him; if not the death of him then at least his sanity. Regrettably, he feared his dignity was already forfeit. Even for him that was a hard thing to retain after being planted head-first in the grassy deck when Luffy had 'saved' him from being knocked overboard. It was the most violent, ill-coordinated and humiliating rescue he had ever been subjected to, and, just to make things perfectly clear, it had been entirely Luffy's fault that he'd tumbled over the railing in the first damn place.

The captain of the straw hats was dangerous, and that was about all he knew for certain. Law was still trying to figure him out with very little success. He came off as a clueless idiot with no concept of decorum or subtlety, and was easily written off as a simple moron at first glance. However, simple morons did not get as far as he had come in the Grand Line and they did not command the level of loyalty and trust that Luffy did from his crew. There had to be more to him than that, there just had to be, which was why Law had considered the alliance to begin with – no matter how powerful they might be, he was not a man who contemplated allying himself to morons.

Then, one night when the ship was quiet and everyone else was asleep, Law had found himself alone with the straw hat captain on deck. They had talked briefly, and Law had known Luffy was in his serious place because he had not yet mentioned any sort of meat. Luffy spoke of strength and dreams and Law had been captivated by his tone, so serious and utterly different to his usual manner. This was it, he had thought, the moment of truth. He had chosen his words carefully, unconsciously clutched his sword tighter in anticipation, meaning to find out once and for all whether Monkey D Luffy was just the luckiest moron to ever sail the Grand Line or a free-spirited genius that hid his true prowess behind a facade of ridiculousness. And then, just when he'd been sure the answer was within his grasp, Luffy had broken out the nose chopsticks.

No, seriously; nose chopsticks.

Trafalgar Law, the Surgeon of Death and feared Shichibukai, had been subjected to two wooden sticks shoved right the fuck up his nose.

He had lost count of the number of times this crew had rendered him speechless and gaping in horror but this occasion had immediately been carved into his memory against his will, right up there alongside the whole being planted headfirst in the lawn thing. He had been so shocked it was eight full seconds before he regained enough of his wits to think of removing the chopsticks, and by then Luffy had scampered off to rouse everyone else and declare a party because things had gotten way too quiet in his opinion.

Needless to say, Law had spent the duration of the impromptu party that followed stewing in a miasma of quiet fury and profound frustration – a state in which he often found himself after any sort of interaction with Luffy; and to a lesser extent the rest of the crew.

At first glance the crew's swordsman was perfect; big, brawny and utterly intimidating with all his scars, three swords and the kind of bloodlust-steeped aura that a rabid honeybadger could only dream of aspiring to. Law had actually been impressed, right up until the first time he'd seen the man get lost. On the way to the bathroom. On his own damn ship. After Law had given him directions... twice.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Then, a few hours later after successfully locating the bathroom, he'd fallen asleep on deck and snored like a thunderstorm while cuddling a fluffy little reindeer and Law had mentally thrown up his hands that somehow in the space of two hours the scariest mother-budger on the whole crew had managed to reclassify himself as a cute idiot.

That had lasted all of a few minutes until the cook had tripped over his legs, followed by a round of frankly vulgar shouting over whose fault it was – whether Zoro was camouflaging himself in the grass on purpose or Sanji was just an idiot – and then a pretty epic battle that no one else seemed concerned by, beyond moving plates and glasses absently out of the way of slicing blades, flaming kicks and stumbling bodies. Law had come to the unnerving conclusion that this was normal behaviour for Zoro and the hair-trigger blond, and sure enough the fight had stopped as suddenly as it had started without notable breakage for no apparent reason and both men had gone back to their previous activities, each looking a bit more relaxed.

Sanji had twirled to lovingly serve the ladies, hearts in his eyes, before holding out a plate for Usopp with a nonchalant expression and a grunt and Law had wondered not for the first time if the man was clinically bi-polar or if his personality was just that weird. The nonchalance had melted when Nami called out to him, he'd asked joyously if she wanted him to feed her snack to her then crumpled into despair when she politely declined but said a new spoon to replace the one she'd dropped would be lovely. Huh, maybe manic-depressive?

He would have consulted the ship's doctor on the matter, however – because this was the Straw Hats ship – Chopper seemed only to be aware of the fact he was the doctor when there was no actual need for one. And he hid the wrong way round when startled, but that was by the by. It was also probably a bad move to put ideas in his head with regards to the mental health of his Nakama. He was a little highly strung and had a tendency to transform from a cute little fluff ball into a large monster when worried over his crewmates. Law had wondered if this was due to his tender age or if it was simply a reindeer thing. And then he'd wanted to scream because that had been a serious contemplation on his part.

Their sharpshooter was notable for a few things, most prominently his nose, and Law had caught himself with horror pondering such preposterous things as whether the elongated feature somehow helped his impressive aim one morning while the man was tinkering with his ammunition. Oblivious to Law's horrified state, he'd proceeded to pour the red liquid contents of one vial into the blue contents of another and nodded with a pleased grin as the resulting mixture had, inexplicably, turned yellow. Law had been unable to quite restrain a choked sort of whimper.

The navigator had proven herself to be the second most terrifying crew member over time. Law didn't know how it happened but within a day of the temporary alliance he found himself in serious debt to her. He'd been trying to figure it out with no luck but the way she said it sounded so certain and absolute that he couldn't help but believe her. She used a lot of terms he hadn't heard before, such as compound stamp duty interest rates, and as such could not refute.

She'd offered to draw him up a statement that would fully explain everything to him, but he wasn't sure he could afford the service and had politely, resignedly declined. He didn't know what strange and terrifying powers she had that enabled her to give Luffy – a rubberman who should be impervious to blunt force trauma – lumps from her fists but he was pretty sure it wasn't Haki and beyond that he'd decided he probably didn't want to know and definitely didn't want firsthand experience of.

On a normal ship, the least intimidating crewmember was likely to be the archaeologist (assuming, for one moment, that this position even existed on most normal ships), but not so on the Thousand Sunny. Oh no. Here, the archaeologist was hands down the most terrifying Straw Hat. She even gave Law chills and he prided himself on being pretty damn terrifying in his own right. She had never threatened him, never aimed anything at him other than a kind little smile, and yet she sort of had this aura about her.

Perhaps it was that her poise and grace reminded him of a beautiful but predatory animal, or the way she smiled that same smile as she casually spoke the most morbid things he'd ever heard in honeyed tones, Law didn't know. The only thing he was sure of in regards to Nico Robin was that he was not going to go out of his way to get on her bad side. He didn't even want to hear why the giant, burly, cyborg shipwright whimpered and clutched his groin protectively whenever she crossed her arms while facing him, he was pretty sure it'd mentally scar him for life.

And what a nonsensical clusterfuck the shipwright was. Setting aside the whole cyborg thing for a minute, what the hell was with the loud tropical shirts? And, more importantly, for the love of all things holy, why speedos? Why on earth would he build himself a hair-style changing nose? Why did he have an entire attack based solely on fart-power? Why was everything super? Why was the burliest member of the crew so disturbingly prone to floods of emotional tears? Pretty much, whenever he thought of Franky, the one thing circling endless through his mind was just... why?

And then there was the ship's musician; an eight-foot perverted skeleton that seemed programmed to fart explosively at the precise moment that any dramatic tension Law had been carefully building was about to reach its peak.

Actually, far too many of their key strategies so far had involved breaking wind for Law's tastes now he came to think of it. Law sighed and commanded his mind not to ponder that one too long, or indeed if the phrase 'wanted dead or alive' was somehow a trick question when applied to Brook. Yo ho ho ho.

Trafalgar Law, Surgeon of Death and feared Shichibukai, whimpered softly and clutched his sword a little tighter, just managing to keep his face a stoic mask. He prayed to any gods, deities and nearby water spirits that might be able to hear him that he made it through this stint with the straw hats with his sanity intact. He was losing hope a little more every day. Just this morning he'd caught himself almost chuckling when Usopp had set himself on fire and he and Chopper had chased each other in circles round the deck, both screaming desperately for a doctor.

Author Note: This is pure fluff and nonsense and not to be taken seriously – a bit of fun based on a friend of mine's reactions after I subjected her to One Piece for the first time and me wondering if Law may have had any of the same thoughts in secret. I came away laughing my arse off, my friend came away with a vaguely confused expression and a query of 'hey, did that just really happen or have you finally driven me nuts?'

Law is brilliant as a straight man to Luffy and Co's insanity after all – even Gin-san would be proud (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).

It's also old; I found it on my hard drive the other day and thought I would post it as a first foray into this fandom. It made me chuckle on re-reading though I'm sure it's been done a thousand times before, so I hope it can raise a smile at least for anyone kind enough to read.

Reviews and constructive criticism very much appreciated – I really mean that too, I take care to spellcheck and what have you (figure it's the least I can do as a writer) but if you see a typo or grammatical glitch I would love to know about it. I take that sort of thing as the highest compliment as I only bother noting stuff like myself that in fics I really like.