Bowser sat next to Peach as they watched Mario run across a lava field on the large monitor. Just as one stone pathway began to sink, he deftly leapt to another. His landing was smooth and controlled, and his cape billowed out behind him as he headed off in search of the next stable perch.

Peach took a sip of tea. "I'm just saying, he's nice to look at."

"Okay, but watch this," Bowser growled. He punched in a code on his control panel. A jet of lava burst up in front of Mario, who just barely dodged the spray.

"Interesting," Peach said, setting down her teacup. "Let me try."

Bowser shrugged and handed her the control panel. She cracked her knuckles and took it.

"Okay, now how does this work...?" Peach pressed a few keys at random. A basalt slab a yard or two in front of Mario rumbled violently for a few seconds before jumping into the air. Peach pressed the key again, and it fell.

"Can I just keep doing this?"

"Knock yourself out."

Peach leaned forward and squinted at the screen, waiting for Mario to move. As soon as he started running, she jammed the key, but the man refused to be caught off guard.

"The trick is to build up a good rhythm," Bowser explained. "He'll be lulled into thinking he knows what's going on, and then he'll get cocky. That's how you catch him."

"I'm not entirely certain I want to watch him die," Peach said as she began testing other buttons.

"Suit yourself."

"You have to admit he has a certain charm."

"What I want to know is how he managed to make it all the way across the island on foot in less than two days."

"Well..." Peach paused to launch a flaming boulder. "He might have a problem with mushrooms."

"I can see that," Bowser muttered. The bulges under Mario's overalls were clear, even on the grainy resolution of the monitor.

"Listen, Peach, why don't you just send him back where he came from?"

"The magic doesn't work that way, for one thing. And it's kind of fun to have him around."

"What do you mean, it's kind of fun? Fun, like, you enjoy his company?"

"Sure, yeah, he's fun," Peach punched a button that retracted a bridge, and she watched avidly as Mario scuttered across it. When he made it safely to the other side, he pumped his fist in the air. "He's always cheerful, unlike some people."

Bowser scowled. "And I'm sure he's not faking it, unlike some people."

"Don't be a sore loser."

"You wanna see something awesome?" Bowser reached for the control panel, and Peach passed it over to him, her fingers lingering on his. He keyed in a sequence of codes, and a flaming pillar of molten rock rose from a pool of lava. It opened its mouth and spewed fire at Mario, who rolled into a somersault to avoid it.

"Bowser, what is that?"

"I made it myself. Do you like it?"

"You know how I feel about necromancy. Is it alive?"

"Not... technically?"

Peach leaned back and crossed her arms, still watching the monitor. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have twisted hobbies?"

"Wait until you see the Mechakoopas."

"The what?"

"The – "

"No," Peach cut him off, "I don't actually want to know. Do you stay up all night working on these things? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Hey, at least I'm not up all night curling my hair."

"My hair is natural."

"Sure it is. That was the first thing I noticed when you woke up this morning, how natural your hair was."

"Says the guy who never washes his."

"What were you even doing in the bathroom, practicing your statecraft?"

"At least I wasn't frantically putting together traps to trip up a plumber."

"Come on, Peach, give me some credit."

"And you can't even catch him."

"I'LL CATCH HIM."

"Calm down, big guy. Why are you trying so hard, anyway?"

"I don't like it that you spend so much time with him," Bowser grumbled.

"Too bad the only time I can spend with you is when you're on the verge of destroying my kingdom."

"You never invite me over."

"All right, fine," Peach laughed as she ran her hand down his leg and squeezed his knee. "Why don't you kidnap me in my own castle next time?"

"Kidnap you?"

"It will keep Mario occupied for a few hours."

"I don't think it's a kidnapping if you don't leave your own castle, Peach."

"You really think Mario is going to care about that?"

"So what are you going to do? Send him a letter?" Bowser coughed and continued in a falsetto. "Dear Mario, please come to the castle. I've baked you a cake! Tee hee."

Peach rolled her eyes. "I don't talk like that."

"You kind of do."

"Give it a rest, Bowser. How long do you think we have before Mario gets here?"

"I dunno. An hour or two?"

"Well then, why don't we make the most of it?" Peach smiled as she removed her tiara and placed it next to her teacup.

Bowser didn't need to be asked twice. He tossed the control panel away and leaned down to kiss her.