Things would be more like this if I owned Batman

"Hey Dick, I need your help with something." Tim asked while he walked into the front parlor.

"It's Jason you prat," came the gruff response from the tall antique chair.

"Oh sorry Jay," Tim hummed, about to walk out of the room and go find Dick when he paused. Hold on, rewind, look again. He turned around to find that he hadn't made a mistake. That was Dick Grayson, former circus acrobat and oldest Bat brother, clad in Jason's slightly-too-big leather jacket, a white t-shirt and black jeans. He even had an unlit cigarette perched teasingly between his lips. He gave a very poor imitation of Jay's usual rakish grin, mostly because it was obvious Dick was trying not to burst out laughing.

"Why are you wearing Jason's clothes Dick?" Tim asks robotically, wondering why he didn't run for the hills once he got a taste of how bizarre this family was when he was still a young, naïve Robin. Dick pulled a pair of dark sunglasses out of the jacket pocket and put them on with less than his usual grace.

"I'm not Golden Boy, Bird Brain." Dick responds in a gravely voice. "It's me, Jason, the second Robin, who thinks he's so hated despite that fact that he's loved and missed by pretty much everyone. Have I mentioned that I died that one time? there's a quota us undead boys must make. I also use guns like a total tool, because I am quote, unquote a bad boy." He pulled out a small water pistol and sprayed a little at Tim. "Pew, pew, Replacement." Tim squinted his eyes. there was something going on here, something insane and ridiculous and he wanted no part of it.

"Alright, Jason, let me know when you're feeling more like yourself again. When you see Dick, tell him I'll be down in the Cave avoiding whatever this is. I want his advice on the Penguin case before I move forward with my plan."

"Okay Timmy, I'll be down in a bit." Dick chirped before coughing and lazily crossed his arms as he slouched in the chair. "I mean uh leather and pain are the only friends I've ever known."

XxX

"Grayson! Pennyworth is busy so I need you to drive me to Doctor Thompkins for my physical." Damian shouted, stomping around looking for the eldest Robin. "My biology has been perfected by science and technology so it's not like this is necessary but Father is insisting." He walked into the kitchen where he caught a glimpse of his older brother riffling through the fridge. "Did you hear me? I'm more than willing to drive myself but I know Father would be displeased with you and you get pathetically weepy when he's angry at you." Damian grumbles as he taps his foot.

"Just hold on Dami-baby," a slightly off key sing song voice replies. "I need to eat my fifth bowl of cereal this morning because it's the only thing I eat because it gives me an aura of a handsome but careless teenager I never grew out of." Damian blinks as Grayson, no Todd, pulls himself out of the fridge. He's wearing one of Grayson's shirts that's far too tight on him and a pair of WE sweatpants. He's smiling too but it looks like it's causing him great pain. "Don't worry, I'll drive you, you obnoxious little demon that I somehow like because you're basically a smaller version of Bruce that I can control and give all the love I was denied as a child in this miserable house."

Damian took a step backwards. Todd hadn't seemed any different when they'd patrolled last night. In fact, Damin was fairly sure, Todd didn't follow them back to the Manor. He and Grayson had had something of a tiff halfway through their route. And now he's wearing Grayson's clothes and acting like him, Damian squints suspiciously.

"Did you kill Grayson in a fit of rage and think dressing up like him will prevent us from noticing?" Damian thinks he would be upset if Todd really had killed Grayson but it's the only reasonable explanation he has for this trainwreck. "Where did you hide the body? Is Drake in on this too?" Todd clicks his tongue and flaps his hand in a poor attempt to mimic Nightwing.

"Silly Dami, you just don't recognize me because I normally keep up this silly pretense of being perfect and wholesome all the time when, really, I'm just as big a mess as everyone else but I don't even have the decency to act like it." He takes a step forward and Damian takes two back. Todd smiles wickedly, not one of Grayson's but one of his own. "Now come give your big brother a big ol' squishy hug." Damian had fled the room before Todd could finish the sentence.

XxX

"Do you think it's safe to come out?" Damian asks, angry at Grayson, at Todd, at his entire life that had led to this moment where he hiding under a pile of blankets with Drake of all people. He wishes sweet death would come for him already. Tim peeks quietly outside the blankets before hiding back beneath the pile.

"I can still hear them talking," Tim whispers. "They're still acting like each other and doing ridiculous pantomimes." Damian groans, but softly, he doesn't want to give away their position after all.

"Do you think we should attack? Make them end this foolishness?" Tim purses his lips before shaking his head.

"I wouldn't risk it. Jason, or Dick uh Jason who is pretending to be Dick, is looking for you, wanting to give you, and I quote, super lovely big brother hugs of affection. And Dick who is Jason still has those water guns and is coming to 'gun me down'. I think we're better off where we are." Damian lets his head hit the floor.

"I hate you people."

Hey y'all, it's been a while since I posted so I figure I might as well introduce this collection that's been building for awhile. This is just going to be a simple one-shot collection within the Batman universe (though potential other Batman/DC related universes as well). This will not update regularly unlike my other stories but just whenever ideas come. I still will post other, more thought out one-shots and I'm once again working on another longer Batman story so I'm hoping to make some headway before grad school starts. Enjoy!