Erin and Jay get married…..of course Matilda excels as a flowergirl…maybe…

If anyone was going to get away with upstaging a bride on her wedding day it was Matilda Ruzek.

He frowned at Erin. "You do know she can't walk in a straight line and has the concentration span of a half eaten peanut?"

"So she is a smaller and cuter version of you?"

"Basically yes." He couldn't deny it. Matilda looked like her mother and had her father's personality. They all turned their attention to over where Tilly was currently trying to get her doll into its pram. Hopefully her mothering skills improved with age because the words child abuse sprung to mind. Her doll potentially now would have two broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a fractured skull.

"Just so you know she did not learn that from me." He commented when they all looked rather concerned with her rough treatment of the poor doll. Once she had successfully achieved her aim he was relieved to see her tuck a small blanket over it and kiss it on the head. "Shh baby." She cooed. "Shh Fred."

"Fred?" Lindsay raised an eyebrow at Ruzek.

Lifting one hand and pointing in their direction he nodded and added ruefully. "Yes, that is Fred." At least he knew that one's name, heaven forbid he got it wrong and that was only because she told him in the car on the way over. How she kept all their names straight he had no idea, but Fred was this week's star attraction. "Shane is at home, with lucky Phil, Shazza and my personal favourite, Vanessa the undresser." He added. The names she had chosen for her dolls were, quite frankly horrible and for that he blamed Lana.

"So you don't mind?" Lindsay returned to their previous conversation.

"Of course not. Why would I? If you really want Tilly to be your flower girl who am I to say no. I just didn't pick you as a flouncy wedding type."

"I'm not. It's going to be small but how could I not have the cutest girl in the world with me. I love her Adam, like she was my own."

"Well, we all know that." From the day she was born, that devastating night, Erin had been fiercely protective of Matilda. She had made sure Matilda was loved and adored when Adam couldn't even see two foot in front of him.

"Oh dear, 'Rin. Fred is crying." Matilda appeared with her doll in her hands and the look of concern on her face was adorable. "Poor Fred."

"Why is he crying?"

"Don't know." Adam had to laugh. He had asked Matilda that very same question a few days ago. They were in the car on the way home from Amanda's and Matilda suddenly started crying. "What's wrong Til?" he peered at her in the rear view mirror.

She sighed before answering, "I don't know Daddy."

"Well that's not helpful Til."

"I'm sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"Don't know." It was amusing, particularly with the accompanying dramatic sighing. He tried explaining that if she didn't tell him what was wrong he couldn't help her but that was a bridge to far for her to understand. He really thought they were well past this stage. There had certainly been too many occasions to count when he had no idea why she was crying but that was before she could talk and he really did think those days were behind them, seemingly not.

Lindsay looked at Ruzek for some kind of help but he just shrugged. "Count yourself lucky you just need to figure out why poor abused Fred crying. I have to figure out why Tilly cries for no apparent reason."

"I not crying Daddy. Fred crying."

"I know you are not crying Darlin'. Maybe Erin can give Fred a cuddle and sing to him, that will make him feel better." He really did love teasing the shit out of people; no one could refuse to do anything for Matilda. And because of that Erin was now rocking poor Fred and singing Rock a bye baby while Tilly watched happily.

Adam wanted to say 'I told you so.' But he couldn't stop laughing. Matilda had stolen the show but rather than ruin the ceremony it made it all the more special.

As soon as he agreed to let Matilda be her flower girl a whole world of crazy opened up around him. Lana had actually squealed when he told her. She had been away on a conference when Erin had asked him and hearing her reaction on the phone it would have been nice if she had been in town at the time, just to see her face. When she got back the first thing she did was call Erin and they spent the next weekend out shopping for dresses. Adam had no idea what was going on and quite frankly wasn't all that keen to find out either. He was more than happy to let them go for it. Lana, he expected her reaction because that woman loved to shop and loved clothes and spending a lot of money on clothes. Lindsay on the other hand was a complete surprise.

On the actual day as soon as Matilda climb out of the car and saw the small crowd looking at her she froze. She was holding Voight's hand tightly and refused to budge. "No. I want Daddy." She turned back and buried her head in Voight's legs and no amount of coaxing was going to get her moving.

Adam was not surprised it had gone pear shaped, although he was hoping it was a little later in the ceremony. He did think she would at least make it down the aisle. He stood up next to the Celebrant and as Hank crouched down and pointed him out Matilda suddenly took off down the small aisle that had been lined with red carpet between two banks of chairs. There may have been only forty or so people present but that was enough to freak Tilly out.

"Daddy." She cried out as she bolted into his arms. He looked at Jay and apologised. "I beautiful. Look at my dress."

"Yes you are." He whispered and pointed down the aisle she had just run up. "Now shhh for a minute and watch."

When Erin and Voight finally caught up with her they were both laughing, as was just about everyone else and Adam sheepishly took his seat back next to Lana with Matilda quite happily sitting on his lap, for now.

"Oh pretty 'Rin." As desperate as Adam was to keep her quiet Matilda provided running commentary on the whole service, which was fortunately short. "Why Jay sad? He crying?"

"He's not sad, he's happy."

"Don't cry Jay." She called out to him. "It okay."

"Poppa Hank sit here." Matilda pointed to the empty seat beside them when Voight had done his bit and then clapped when he followed her direction. Adam just looked at his boss and shrugged.

"They get marry?" Matilda turned to look at Adam for a brief moment.

"Yes Darlin' they are getting married. Now sit quietly and listen for a minute." Matilda clasped her hands over her mouth and gasped with delight.

"Oh look Will, hi." She waved. "He get marry too?"

"No. He's just helping Jay?"

"Oh, dear. 'Cos Jay crying?" Adam just gave up; short of standing up in the middle of the ceremony and taking her way down the back there was nothing he could do that wasn't going to end in disaster. She was enjoying this far too much and at one stage he caught Jay's eye and he just shook his head. What could they do? At least it was going to be memorable story to tell at her 21st.

"Do you like my pretty flowers Daddy?" Perhaps it had been a mistake not seeing her before the wedding. He should have known better, Matilda always wanted to fill him in on her day when she saw him. At dinner they often had a 'highlight' of the day conversation, although her highlight was usually what happened in the last few minutes. This was starting to feel like one of those moments. Lana had stayed with Matilda at Erin's so they could have a girl's night and Adam was more than happy with that, much preferring to spend the night with Jay, Will and Atwater celebrating Jay's last night of freedom at Molly's.

He hadn't seen Matilda's dress either, taking the option of being surprised on the day. Seemed like a good way to get out of having to make any decisions however now he was regretting it because Matilda wanted to tell him all about it. Right now and unfortunately she was no longer satisfied with one-word answers or being fobbed off. He had created a monster.

"'Rin buy me a present." She showed him the bangle on her wrist. It held three little charms, each with an initial, M,A and K. "It's pretty. Bear says it's pretty for a pretty girl." Adam looked at it and whispered that he liked it.

"Kev, Kev. Look Kev." She reached over Adam's shoulder and demanded a 'fist bump.' And Atwater at least looked apologetic as he did it. "Oh Al too. Hi Al." Adam whispered in her ear to sit still and watch Erin and Jay and that worked for a moment.

"Oh, kiss for 'Rin." Adam could see that both of them were giggling at the perfectly well timed announcement from the peanut gallery, which consisted entirely of Matilda Ruzek. "Yay." She clapped.

"Thank you Tilly." It was pointless but he tried.

"Daddy kiss Bear too."

"Not right now." He could barely keep a straight face and on either side of him Lana and Voight were laughing and he could hear Atwater and Al chortling behind him. This was his worst nightmare. Half the crowd were giggling at her antics, although to Matilda's credit she was blissfully unaware of the show she was putting on. She was just happy to be here.

She grabbed Adam's face with one hand, making sure that he was looking at her. "Kiss Bear Daddy." Rather than try and ignore her demands, which had the habit of getting louder and more urgent, he leant over and gave Lana a kiss much to Matilda's delight. "You get marry too?"

"No, just Erin and Jay." He squeezed Lana's hand as it rested on his knee. They hadn't really talked about it, it seemed like neither of them wanted to rock that boat but her head dropped just a little, just enough for him to notice.

Matilda wiggled her way from Adam's lap as Erin and Jay turned to face the small group of their closet friends and family as man and wife. She jumped up and down and cheered as everyone clapped.

"I'm so sorry." Adam approached them both sheepishly. "I so want to say I told you so but this is no time to gloat."

"Are you kidding?" Jay scooped up Matilda who was now tugging on his hand. "That was awesome."

"Jay, You not sad now?" He shook his head. "My dress is pretty too."

"It is, I think you may be the prettiest girl here." Jay winked at her and kissed her cheek. "Don't tell 'Rin though."

Matilda was the life of the party for the first few hours before Amanda came and picked her up to take her home, which went down like a lead balloon. She wailed all the way to the car. "No, I stay, I dance. I stay with Daddy and Bear."

Even telling her that she was going to spend the night with Zoe didn't stop the sobbing. He had a sneaking suspicion that not only was she way over tired but that there may have been a shit load of sugar fuelling her. He wished Amanda luck and waved her goodbye.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look today?" Adam snaked an arm around Lana's waist kissed her neck. "I love you."

She leant back against him. They had spent more time chasing Matilda around than they had together so far so he was looking forward to a few hours partying with their friends and a night alone with no interruptions and a lazy morning of just the two of them. Those times were few and far between. Even living together rarely gave them uninterrupted moments like these. Someone was always up early with Tilly and squeezing in dates between their sometimes insane work hours had been challenging.

Therefore he was going to make the most of these hours. He was going to dance with her, laugh with her and love her.

When he danced with Erin he thanked her for the present. "Tilly loves it."

"Thank you for letting her be part of it all. I loved having her with me." One thing Ruzek could do was dance. He was grateful in some respects that each of his past relationships had taught him something. Wendy had taught him to dance. Actually she had insisted that he learn for their wedding and had dragged him kicking and screaming along to lessons. He had suggested to Halstead that it would be worth the effort to learn but that was met with stony silence so Erin was enjoying be led around the dance floor by someone with some level of competence.

"Despite the running commentary."

"That's Matilda, that's the girl we adore. It was perfect." And she honestly meant it. The wedding had pushed her a little out of her comfort zone, never being overly gushing and romantic so having Matilda bring it all back down to earth for them was great. "I hope when we have kids they are half as awesome as that one."

"Just let 'em loose with Uncle Adam. I am sure I can arrange something." He spun her around one last time but before he let her go he wanted to ask one more thing. "Would you mind if I buy another charm for the bangle?" The fact that he knew the word bangle was a little disturbing; the world of being a father to a girl had opened his eyes to all manner of things.

"Of course not, I almost did but I thought that should be your decision. I didn't want to upset anyone"

"Bear." Adam rolled onto his back, stretching his legs and pulled her into him. "Wake up sweetheart." He started tracing circles on her back. They had finally got home close to 2am and peering at the clock it was now past 9am. The light in the bedroom had eventually woken him up. They didn't drink a lot because if he had a night and morning alone with her he wanted his wits about him.

"Why?"

"Because I have a surprise for you."

"Adam, Honey you have a surprise for me every morning."

"Yet most mornings we don't get the chance to use it. Come on, wake up." Slowly he coaxed her awake and they spent a blissful hour together, before crawling out of bed and into the shower in which they ended up doing exactly the same thing as they had in the previous hour.

Bringing a fresh cup of tea out to her as she sat in the sofa on back deck Adam joined her with his coffee. They had been in this house for almost a year and they both loved sitting on the back deck on the weekends, when they both had a chance to breath and let Matilda run around the yard. If it was nice enough they would have breakfast outside too and they could spend long evenings out here in summer having friends over for a BBQ. "Can I ask you something?" She nodded as she blew lightly on her steaming hot drink.

"Yesterday, when Matilda asked if we were married now you looked a little disappointed. Is that something you have been thinking about?" He had rushed into previous engagements without ever actually talking to either Wendy or Kim. They had never had a conversation about marriage until he popped the question so he was learning it seemed.

"Not really." She had no idea how to answer that. They had never talked about it, not even as a joke. Marriage had such mixed memories for Adam. His parent's marriage was a disaster that he endured as a child and his proposal to Kim sent their relationship sideways for a while. When they finally did get married, when she was pregnant with Matilda it had been the happiest day of his life up until then but they had barely six months together. He felt like marriage was a curse and she could understand why he felt the way he did. "We've never talked about it."

"Let's talk about it now." He tucked one leg up under his knee and turned to face her slightly, and draping one arm the back of the couch he lightly tickled her neck with his fingers. "Is that what you want?"

"Honestly?" Staring at the cup in her hands she took a deep breath. "I don't know, Adam maybe one day." She paused perhaps realising that this may be her one shot at telling him how she really felt about it. "Yes, one day I want to get married. At some stage I want to marry you but I know it's not something you have a lot of faith in. I don't know if it would make me any more committed to you, if that helps. It's not a deal breaker, but one day maybe we could think about it."

"Okay." His response didn't really fill her with much joy and he could see that. "I love you, I love being with you and I want to live every moment with you. You have bought so much light into my world. I don't want to ruin what we have and I think I am jinxed when it comes to marriage."

"Adam, I do love you, so much. I love our life together and I don't think you are jinxed. I think our life is perfect right now with or without a ring."

What he did next just about floored her. "I am not sure I can do both right now." She wasn't quite sure what he meant but he didn't give her much of chance to contemplate it. "I know you want to have a baby. Perhaps it's time we talked about that?"

"Adam, are you sure?"

"Yes and No." Slipping his hand into hers he smiled at the stunned look on her face. "I don't want Matilda growing up as an only child. I would have loved to have a brother or sister to play with and share a childhood with and I want Matilda to have a brother or sister, I don't want to wait forever. I want that with you. Perhaps we can just think about it."

"We can." Leaning over and placing her cup on the table, she took both his hands in hers. "Although I don't know if yes and no is a good answer?"

"I'm a little all over the shop. I love Matilda and being her father and I want you to experience that feeling, that feeling you get when you hold your own child, one that is part of you, part of us it is amazing. I know that you love Matilda too, and you have no idea how happy that makes me." He was drawing circles on the palm of her hands. "It's beautiful to see you love her like she was your own and Matilda adores you. The no part comes from my fears. I am scared because I now know what can go wrong. It's not because I am unsure about wanting a baby with you. I couldn't imagine it not being you. I want to make you happy and I know you want a baby but I am not sure I will ever be really ready because I am scared so I just need to jump in. I am going to hang onto you and just jump."

"Okay. So we need to work on that." Lana kissed his hands and entwined her fingers in his, pulling him in for a kiss. "I love you Adam, so much. I want to have this awesome family with you, I can wait for the rest."

Surprisingly the silence was comfortable and they just sat in the moment for a while. "Can I ask you something now?"

"Sure."

"When Matilda was born…" The look in his eyes almost made her stop, he still had a lot of pain buried deep within him. "…what happened?"

"You know what happened."

"I know what happened to Kim, but why do you never talk about those early days with Matilda?"

"Because I wasn't there."

"Adam, you were there. I know you were, why don't you talk about it."

"Erin told you?" She couldn't figure out if he was upset or annoyed. Perhaps she had pushed too hard but if they were even going to think about having a baby together she wanted to know he was going to be there. Lana nodded, she was too scared to say anything else because he finally looked like he was about to talk. "I was…." he stared off into the backyard. "..I don't know." He knew that Erin was aware that he was at the hospital everyday but they never talked about it. Once she had tried to bring it up with him, very early on and he shut her down with just a look.

"I don't know how it even happened. I remember just being there one night. I hadn't seen her since the night she was born but I just couldn't stand all these people around me telling me what to do and asking me about her constantly, what her name was, that I needed to bring her to the funeral. It got too much. So I ended up there and it was strange, I didn't want to be there but I couldn't be anywhere else." For the briefest moment he looked at Lana and then went back to staring at the garden. "I felt guilty because I blamed her for Kim's death. I was scared of loving her and having her leave me too. So I would go in at night, when everyone else had gone home or to bed and I would sit in that room and watch her sleep."

"So you were there for her from the start?"

"I guess so. I didn't hold her though. I didn't do anything for her."

"You loved her."

"I thought that maybe for a while I didn't but I loved her from the moment I knew she was there growing inside Kim." Looking down at their hands, he had always found it comforting that she would always hold his hands when they talked. "That was a time I didn't want to share with anyone."

He didn't say it harshly but she felt like she had just been reprimanded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The silence wasn't quite as comfortable this time. Adam had started working his thumbs back and forth across her wrists. "Back then." He went on to clarify. "I didn't want to share that time with anyone back then. It was too painful."

"Adam, thank you. I think you are an amazing father to Matilda." Resting her head on his shoulder Adam pressed a kiss into her temple and let it linger. "I think you are incredible. I feel lucky to have met you and be loved by you."

He didn't feel the need to answer because he just held her a little tighter.

They spend another few hours alone, making the most of the uninterrupted time together before heading out to pick up Matilda from Amanda's. She had offered to keep her for the day because Peter had a family function to go to and they thought Matilda would love the chance to play with all his nieces and nephews.

"We just need to stop somewhere on the way." Adam was a little vague as they drove into the city and she was surprised when they were standing outside Tiffany's. "Don't get too excited. I thought we'd done the whole let's not get married thing this morning." He teased her a little.

"Doesn't mean a girl can't dream a little?"

He made her cry. Leading her over to the charm section, having found out where Erin had purchased them from he asked the sales assistant for a charm with the letter 'L'.

"For Matilda's bangle." He couldn't believe how emotional she got and he knew it was the right thing to do. That thought had been almost instantaneous when he first realised what those charms meant on Matilda's Bangle. He wanted her to have a fourth charm because this woman had taken his daughter into her heart, loved her like a mother, loved him for being her father and deserved to be part of it.

Sadly, that is the last of the extra bits. I do feel a bit sad about letting this one go but what can you do. Thank you for riding with me.