"I said no!" Bakura hurled his book across the room.

Marik dodged and flung a control pad at Bakura's head. "Quit being a stubborn jackass, Bakura, and listen to my brilliant plan!"

Bakura ducked, feeling the control pad skim the top of his hair. "You bleeding, ridiculous, capricious wanker!"

"Yeah? Well- you spoony bard!"

Bakura frowned at the insult. "What does that even mean?"

Marik cackled with his hands on his perfect, bronzed stomach. "I don't know. I heard it in a video game and thought it was funny!" Marik gave Bakura a huge grin. "That was fun, arguing like that. Now let's get to serious business."

"Aaaarg! Must I get a box of crayons and color a picture for you? I'm done! No more evil plans! No more leather pants, or spamming Yugi's Youtube, or even pornorgraphic skits for children's charity! No more! I'm done with it all!" Bakura clenched his teeth, chest heavy from anger and the last fifteen minutes of dodging flying objects. "I'm sick of all of this."

"The Youtube scheme was your dumb idea!" Marik threw his hands into the air and dropped them at his sides. "At least listen to mine. Mine's true Evil Genius™!"

"Why? There's no point to it." Bakura balled his hands into fists, growling, turning around and walking towards his bedroom. "Forget it, Marik. Forget whatever hair-brained scheme you've dreamed up and go back to playing Vampire the Masquerade."

"Bakura."

Something about the tone of Marik's voice made Bakura freeze in place. The way he'd said Bakura's name, it was calm and intentional, and there was a bit of a dare behind it. Usually Marik sang Bakura's name out, or whined, or called out in mock offense. Marik never … said Bakura's name, and hearing him do so at that moment made a shiver crawl up Bakura's spine.

He had no choice but to turn around, half expecting a trick of some sort. He'd turn around and see Marik juggling on a unicycle and screaming dat boi or perhaps he'd be dressed up like Pink from the Lady Marmalade video. Bakura had to close his eyes and hold his breath because his brain had conjured a clear and vivid image of Marik wearing black garters, heels, and a top hat and sweet gods Marik could pull it off, and something about the long golden hair, kohl-lined eyes, and top hat together particularly had Bakura's heart singing gitchi gitchi ya ya da da.

A soft laugh drew Bakura back to the moment. His eyes fluttered opened to see Marik talking slow, calculated steps towards him. His body language was different, like his voice was different. It was fluid, all confident grace and none of the casual jester-like carelessness that Marik usually carried in his movements.

Bakura's mouth dropped when Marik started toying with his belt buckle. "Good grief, Bakura, I haven't even started seducing you yet, and you already look like you're going to cream yourself."

"Huh?" Bakura narrowed his eyebrows, still trying to figure out what exactly Marik was up to. Not for one second did Bakura believe that seduction was on the menu.

But Marik dropped his belt to the floor and continued to cross their living room one precise step at a time, like a dark king on a chessboard taking his time to travel square by square. "It's not easy always playing a knave's game. Malik Blishtar was one thing, but around you it gets exhausting. But you see, Bakura, I wasn't quite ready to reveal myself to you." Marik paused a moment, looking down at his shirt as he started to undo the chains and pull the lavender silk away from his tanned chest. He looked up at Bakura with eyes richer and deeper in color than the silk he wore, and he gave Bakura a demure smile. "Well, I suppose we'll consider this a double revealing, schemes and sexy abs both at once …" Marik glided his fingers down the line of his eight-pack. "Like them?"

"I don't …"

"Of course you don't understand, Bakura. You're stupid." Marik grinned, half a giggle escaping him. "So stupid. It's a good thing you're pretty. But stupid or not, you've always been useful, with a little coaxing, too bad your feminine hysteria getting in the way of our plans."

"I'm not hysterical," Bakura hissed. Then he realized what he'd just implied and began stuttering. "O-or feminine! I mean, lots of men are named Florence- that doesn't make me feminine!" Bakura growled. He did feel stupid, but he couldn't exactly think because Marik was getting close and now he was working on the button of his pants. Bakura tried to keep on task. "Exactly how have I been useful? As backup for your Let's Plays? We've accomplished nothing since episode 33."

Marik smiled again, licking his fingertips before pulling down his zipper and folding back the fabric to give Bakura a peek at the skin beneath.

Bakura dropped to his knees. He couldn't blink, couldn't swallow, couldn't think to save his immortal life.

"It doesn't look like we've done anything because I've activated my super secret sexy stealth mode, but we've done the most important task a villain can do, Fluffy. We've moved the plot forward. How else can the hero get to the end of the story unless he has a villain helping him each step of the way? Not to mention, I needed us to finish season 2 so Melvin could destroy the fourth wall, and I needed Yugi and the others to get trapped in that bothersome Noa filler arc in order to force Yugi to use a plot hole to get back to the main storyline."

"Plot hole? What the bloody hell?"

Marik sighed. "We'll get to those later. For now just know that Yugi had to be the first to use them as a portal or I never could have myself. Main Character Privilege - the bane of every evil sexy villain! The main character wins no matter what we do!" Marik took the last three steps until he was standing in front of Bakura, looking down at him with a smile that was too intelligent for Bakura to believe that it truly belonged to the carefree idiot that he'd spent the last several years of his life with.

"You look really good on your knees, by the way," Marik whispered, taking his thick, swollen cock in hand and easing it out of his pants for Bakura to see. "If it's any consolation, I've been as hard up as you. I can't count how many times I've wanted to slam you against the nearest wall and fuck your bloody brains out, Bakura, but unfortunately a happy, satisfied kitty wouldn't be focused on vengeance." Marik started rubbing the head of his cock with his thumb, and Bakura couldn't help but lick his lips like a dog waiting for scraps to fall off the dinner table. He was trying to make sense of Marik's mad rambling, but all he really caught was when Marik said fuck your bloody brains out. "But don't worry, Fluffy, we've made it to season 4, and while those foolish fools mess around with the Orichalcos, we have time to set a trap for them and take control of the show once and for all."

"Ori-cal-what-now?" Bakura asked, sighing and noticing how Marik's cock twitched closer to Bakura's mouth as his breath washed over the tight skin.

"Not important." Marik's eyes lidded as they continued to stare at Bakura. He rested his left hand against the wall behind Bakura, and used his right hand to guide the tip of his cock across Bakura's bottom lip.

Bakura sighed again, almost moaned. He couldn't believe what was happening, that the smooth, hot flesh running back and forth against his bottom lip belonged to Marik, that this was happening and it was real and not another dream sequence.

"The only thing that's important," Marik spoke with smug tone, "is that you listen to my plan and do exactly as I say, and If you do, then I'll give you a little taste of everything you've been fantasizing about."

Bakura groaned, daring to dab the tip of his tongue out and taste Marik's skin for the first time. It was smooth and burning hot, and Bakura wanted nothing more than to fill his mouth with as much of Marik as he could fit.

Marik pulled back a touch. "One last thing before we begin. What is the most powerful power in our universe? Besides main character status, of course."

Bakura giggled, feeling giddy. "Your Rod."

Marik snorted at the joke. "In a manner of speaking."

He shoved himself into Bakura's mouth, all the way to the back of Bakura's throat. They both moaned in sheer pleasure, Marik out loud, Bakura muffled. "It's … the Items … but- frig- we live in a parody universe. The Items have powers, but in a way they're nothing more than comic props. My Rod only works on Steves. Your Ring acts as gaydar- speaking of which, holy fuck Bakura do you practice on kabasas all day long? Holy, friggin Winged Dragon of Ra, it's like your mouth was made for my cock."

Bakura knew his face was the color of blood on a sharp blade. He felt the heat radiating off his cheeks as Marik spoke, and he hoped Marik wasn't close because Bakura wanted to keep sucking forever. He'd waited so long for anything to happen that he didn't care that he was on his knees like a Twi'lek slave dancer. He was sucking Marik's cock and listening to the stutters and pauses in Marik's speech as Bakura began to unravel him. He gripped the base of Marik's cock so Marik had a free hand to twist into Bakura's white mess of hair.

"And … and … other than creating an amazing ancient Egyptian light show, our Items have severe limits … Fluffy, you are a very good kitty."

The last bit should have infuriated Bakura, but he was lost to the moment and just took the compliment in stride, slipping Marik a little deeper now that he was dripping with Bakura's saliva.

"But-" Marik hitched forward, unable to keep still any longer. "The- canon- Items- are … ahhhh … they're … they're … ahhh- more powerful than ours. If we … if we could … get our hands on … Bakura!"

Marik's grip twisted in Bakura's hair. He began thrusting, almost too deep, but Bakura kept his throat relaxed, relishing each push of Marik's dick into his opened mouth. He felt Marik's cock twitching even as Marik's words deconstructed to a low, lust-filled growl. His hips slammed faster and then faster still, and then he eased up a bit and came. Bakura started at the heat coating the back of his throat, but he swallowed, and then pulled away and gasped for breath as hard as Marik.

Marik dropped to his knees beside Bakura. For an awkward moment their eyes met, and neither seemed capable of turning away.

"I …" Marik tried to say something, but the words faded on his tongue.

"So, let's go back to the part where you're faking being stupid?"

"Hmmm." Marik grinned, palming the bulge in Bakura's pants and making him call out. "Wouldn't you rather me take care of this for you?"

He pulled Bakura towards him, tugging down Bakura's pants and freeing Bakura's cock. Marik ruffled through his own pants, pulling out a small bottle of hand lotion and pouring a generous amount into his hand, warming the lotion with his palms. "Did you catch the part about getting ahold of a stronger set of Millennium Items?"

"Sort of," Bakura said. "Honestly, I'm not paying much attention."

"I know, because you're stupid. That's why I do all the planning."

"Sure, Marik. Whatever you say."

"Yes, that's the right attitude." Marik laughed, rewarding Bakura by wrapping his slick palm around Bakura's shaft and slowly stroking him.

Bakura jerked and screamed right away, unabashed and without shame. He felt good. Marik's hand felt good on his cock, and he didn't care if he screamed loud enough for everyone in Egypt to hear him … or Japan … the United States? Bakura still didn't know where the bloody hell they were, and he didn't care. Above all else they were in the living room, and Marik's broad hands had no trouble working Bakura into a frenzy.

"Like I mentioned, we can use the plot holes as portals, and now there's no fourth wall forcing us to stay in our own dimension."

"Uh-huh," Bakura gasped between thick, raspy groans.

"So it's just a matter of walking into one of our canon dimensions and taking what we want."

"Marik."

"We could even go to the original source material- the manga- and get the version of the Items with the most power because they're our origins."

"Marik."

"Think about it, Bakura!" Marik leaned closer, his hand moving at a furious pace as his speech quickened in his excitement. "Yugi's Puzzle denotes him as the main character. As long as he has the privileges that come along with that title- we can't defeat him. Listen, Bakura, this part's important- we can't beat him as long as he's the protagonist. We can't change the plot no matter how much we want to, need to, deserve to. It's useless. But the original Items will make us better than him. The laws of physics that guide our universe will have to bend to our wills, acknowledge our desires."

Bakura flung his arms around Marik's neck and screamed into his shoulder. "Marik! Marik! Marik! I'm going to come!"

Bakura continued to whimper into Marik's shoulder. He came so hard and for so long that stars danced across his vision when he reopened his eyes. He looked up at Marik. Stands of white hair obscured his vision and his striped shirt was heavy with his own sweat.

Marik chuckled at him, bumping their noses together. "Did you catch any of that?"

Bakura groaned and dropped his head back to Marik's shoulder. "Bits of it. Sounds like fanfic nonsense to me."

"Still going to help me do it?"

Bakura groaned again. This time because he was exactly as stupid as Marik teased him for being. "You know I always do. No matter how ridiculous your plans get."

"This isn't a plan. This is The Plan. I've been working on this since …"

"Since when?" Bakura asked, only half listening. His body was void of the usual tension and rage. Marik's scent surrounded him, sweat, skin, and body heat, and Bakura's eyes kept slipping shut, his mind yearning for sleep in Marik's arms.

"It's not important," Marik said, pressing Bakura up into a sitting position. "We'd better get some sleep. The early villain gets the Millennium Items."

Bakura pulled up his pants, glad Marik had separated them. Acting like a dope in the middle of a hand job was one thing, but he didn't want to explain why he'd fallen asleep in Marik's arms- not even to Marik. "Are you sure you were faking your idiocy? Perhaps it's intelligence you're feigning."

Marik winked, giving Bakura a sultry smile. "Only time will tell." With that, he disappeared into his own bedroom.