Flawed Thorns, chapter two.
It's easy to be perfect. Being flawed is the difficult part.
I had being perfect down pat, once. It's amazing how free it makes you, how wonderfully superficial. Perfect people have no depth or layers, they simply are. Of course, it robs you of emotions and feelings and all those other 'human' qualities that seem so over-rated to those who don't possess them. I certainly used to consider them over-rated.
Sometimes, when those emotions and feelings become too much, I still do. It would just be so much easier to deal with everything if you could just turn them off and on at will …
I'm still working on being flawed, I guess. I like to pretend that 'perfect' is a mould I could no longer fit, even if I tried to squeeze myself back into it. After all, it had only just been my size in the first place because of the Dark Spore. But really, what more would I have to do than simply stop existing? Say good-bye to Ken-chan, and welcome back … well, not Kaiser, because being perfect doesn't mean you can block out the past, something I know all too well. So, no. Not Kaiser. But the perfect Ichijouji everyone thought they knew sounds nice. It might mean having to cut down on the time I spent with my friends so I could get in all the study I would need to do to achieve the grades I did in the past, grades that came so easily to Kaiser but that I would have to work tirelessly now to achieve. And although I've discarded it, I still have that old Ichijouji mask around somewhere, hidden away in a dark corner. There are so many benefits of being him, the once perfect version of myself.
Well. Until I remember what it was actually like, of course. Lonely. Terrifying. A feeling of utter worthlessness stained with the fear that someday you would lose it all and then all the honours and worship would be over. Because other than adoration and jealousy tinged with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's then that I realise that being perfect is merely an illusion, a nice one, but in the end nothing more than an empty promise presented to those who are desperately in need of escape.
It's an illusion I lived too long. My greatest flaw, perhaps.
Besides, being an imperfect Ken isn't that bad, not when you have friends willing to help you through all the rocky parts of re-introducing yourself to being human. And it's hardly as though I've become completely disjointed from some of the positives of my alluded perfection – I know I'm still intelligent, even though there are times when I feel horribly guilty for not being as blindingly so as I once was. A water-downed version of 'Ichijouji', perhaps.
"Jesus, Ken! How the hell did you make that shot?!"
A mostly water-downed version. A small smirk manages to find a place on my lips as Tai shakes his head in wonder. It *had* been a good shot, the ball spiralling impossibly to the right at the last minute, getting past a diving Tai who hadn't even come close in the end to stopping it thud into the back of the net. I've always been good at soccer, even before the Dark Spore. And during … that time … it was the one thing that made me ever feel sane, the small grasp on reality I allowed myself to maintain. To find out that everything I had was merely a product of the Dark Spore had hit me hard – how could it possibly not, being told that the talents that define you were never yours in the first place, instead were nothing more than a side effect? But it had been that thought of not being able to play soccer that had almost destroyed me. My one love, the one thing that seemed *me*. Gone, as though it had never existed in the first place.
It would be a lie to say that the Dark Spore being turned 'off' hadn't robbed me of much of my soccer skills. But one thing I've learnt about being flawed is that you can grow and learn, there is nothing static or predetermined. As 'Ichijouji' I'd never had to train or attend practises, in all honesty, I hadn't had time to in the first place. I might not have had to work at being perfect, but working the interview scene takes a good chunk of your time, you know.
But I was talking about how not being perfect made me a better soccer player. Easy. I had to work for it. Even though I had always loved soccer, it was almost in a mechanical sense. Get to the other end of the field, score. Simple, really. But there is so much more to soccer, especially when you pour your heart and soul into each game, as opposed to merely your mind.
Daisuke taught me how to truly play soccer, although I do think he regrets it at times. For a couple of months there he was a better player than me, after all. Few people can say that.
He's taught me so many things, Daisuke. I don't think I could handle learning to become flawed without him. I wouldn't have had the courage to go this alone.
"Ken, man. Just ask the goalpost out, or something. You've been staring at it for the last five minutes with a lovey-dovey look on your face, and it's starting to get boring."
Whoops.
Tai says it playfully, but he looks slightly suspicious as well. Contrary to popular belief, Tai is far from stupid, and he's got to be wondering why I asked if he would like to play an impromptu game of soccer today. I'm still not very good at initiating things, especially if Daisuke isn't involved, and there was no way I could do this with my best friend here. Not to mention that Dai's presence would make the whole thing rather pointless.
Tai almost looks like Daisuke in this weather, bushy brown hair tamed by the rain, plastered to the side of his head instead of defying gravity. It's not heavy rain, the kind that soaks you instantly and convinces you to take cover, but a more gentler kind that slowly saturates you layer at a time, letting you adjust gradually to the feeling of drowning in your own clothes to the point that by the time your soaked through to your skin and beyond, it doesn't really bother you.
Or doesn't, until you look in a mirror. Since we don't have one handy, I think I'll refrain from letting Tai in on the fact he looks like a rat that has just emerged from a sewer. Tai can be incredibly vain at times.
Daisuke, on the other hand, doesn't even know the meaning of the word. And while the others would most likely respond to that by throwing a dictionary at him, it's one of the aspects I just find so wonderful about him.
"Ye-owch!" All thoughts of Daisuke are momentarily abandoned as something hard hits me on the forehead, and I tumble ungracefully to the ground. Well, if I wasn't wet already, I'm certainly drenched now. Rubbing my head pitifully, I glare up at Tai who at least has the grace to look apologetic, before glancing down at the soccer ball turned missile that was responsible for the growing bump I could feel under my hand. "And what exactly did I do to deserve that?"
"Sorry, Ken." Now that he knows I'm not seriously injured he's grinning like a madman. "I did try and warn you, but you weren't exactly paying attention." He offers a hand, and I let him pull me up. "Care to explain why?" Suddenly, Tai is too close. Mere centimetres separate our faces, and I can see the casual concern shinning in brown eyes that are only a shade lighter than the ones I've found myself falling in love with.
"Tai?" It comes out breathlessly, and I'm starting to wonder when I turned into Jun.
"Yeah, Ken?"
"Would you mind taking a couple of steps back?" He nods, and I'm starting to believe that the fact Tai always seems to look confused has less to do with his supposed lack of intelligent and more with the fact that most of his friends are certifiably nuts. But it does help, the small amount of space Tai puts between us, if only because it means that I can now think a tad bit clearer.
"You've been distracted all day, Ken." Tai finally says, slightly hesitant. "I've got to say, I was a bit surprised when you asked me out today."
See? He can function quite intelligently when there isn't someone messing with his head. He might not be the quickest of the digi-destined, but that doesn't mean everything gets past him. Just soccer balls.
"To be honest Tai, I actually needed your help with something. An experiment." I'm on more secure ground, here – these are lines I practised all night in front of the mirror, after all.
"Huh? An experiment? It doesn't involve needles or eating gross food, does it?"
Oh, yeah. Tai had definitely been the right person to come to.
"No, no – it's quite painless, I promise you. And I'll buy you an ice cream afterwards, if you like." The thought of food makes him suddenly eager, and I excuse myself for a moment so as to set everything up. Diving into my backpack, I quickly grab the two things I need: my clipboard and a pen.
Scientific experiments are still something I love, even though I'm no longer the Kaiser. They remain the best way to evaluate a situation – or potential situation, and to study reactions. I had already written up my hypothesis and method, now was time to put it all into action.
"Right. If you could come stand over here, Tai." First step on the clipboard is evaluation, with headings for 'before', 'during' and 'after'. I'd kept this deliberately simple, and any nervousness I was feeling started to fade. My clipboard is like a security blanket, the fact it is hard, wooden and not particularly comfortable to sleep on, aside. With it in hand, I know I'm in my element, and that I've got complete control of the situation.
It's not quite as cool an accessory as a whip, but it has a similar enough effect for the clipboard and I to have a good working relationship.
Tai's starting to get impatient, but there are some things that simply can't be rushed if one doesn't want to destabilise the subject and make the results null or contaminated. I do make note of his growing impatience under the 'before' heading however, along with the fact he seems rather clueless to what is going on and the slightly bamboozled look on his face.
Now, for the difficult part.
"Are you ready, Tai?" Tai's puzzled 'this had better be going somewhere other than your insanity' nod is all I need, and this time I'm the one who deliberately closes the gap between us. Slowly leaning in towards him, I mentally make note of the height difference between Tai and Daisuke, as well as the slight difference in stance. Tai's still looking confused, but then my eyes are drifting closed and my lips are gently pressed against his. He's got nice lips, soft and almost … delicate, if such a word is allowed to be used to describe Tai in the first place. It isn't a particularly long kiss, hardly a romantic or 'deep' one, yet it seems that Tai is too shocked to respond. I'm the one who breaks it, taking two steps back and tilting my head to the side to examine his reaction.
"You just kissed me." He raises a hand to his lips, as though he doesn't quite believe they are his own. "Ken? Are you coming down with something?" Confusion, concern. Interesting. I scribble it all down on my clipboard, not taking my eyes off of Tai. "Because really, you kissed*me*. ME."
A leaning towards repetition to try and make a point, makes sense. That said, I'm not sure exactly what point Tai is trying to make, as, being the one to initiate the kiss, I do have a vague idea of what just happened.
"Ken, Ken. KEN." Each repetition of my name is punctuated with a shake of his head, and I make a note to make sure I study the body language of future subjects carefully. He's trying to clear his thoughts, my actions apparently having confused him.
Well, more than usual, anyway.
"Oh, God." Something dawns in his eyes, although I'm not sure if it's realisation or if he has somehow managed to see his reflection in a mirror, after all. "Listen Ken, I'm flattered, really. And to sucker me in with the pretence that this was all for an experiment is really … um … clever, and all … and you certainly are a very nice guy." Ah, realisation it is, then. A quick glance at my watch shows that it took him 45 seconds to get past confusion to the point of being able to put two and two together. He still appears to have got five as an answer, but for Tai, that's close enough. "And if it wasn't for the fact I have feelings for someone else, I'd think you were the perfect catch, and wouldn't hesitate to date you, really!" Concern over my feelings, attempting to un-break my heart and re-establish a bond. "But I just think we make better soccer buddies than – Ken? What the hell are you doing?!"
Tai stops mid ramble, and stares strangely at my clipboard. I guess he hadn't realised I'd been making notes throughout his entire speech.
"I'm observing you." It seems like a reasonable enough answer, but it causes Tai to blink a couple of times before grabbing the clipboard out of my hands.
"Appears nervous, yet unsuspecting?!" Tai reads off the carefully plotted sheet, his eyes widening. "Agreeable to experiment, even though slightly confused?!" Tai looks as though he is about to have a heart attack as he reads on. "Soft lips, nice feeling. Maybe I should deepen it a bit … no. Maybe next time." Ok, I think he just had that heart attack. "You were making notes WHILE you were kissing me?!"
Of course I was. What did he possibly think the 'during' section was for? I blink at him, confused. I can't understand why he seems so … angry, so suddenly put out. He did agree to be part of my experiment, after all.
"What the hell is going on here, Ken?" Tai demands, as he flips through the pages on my clipboard. He stops, stunned, on the page entitled 'Predictions', and I worryingly bite my bottom lip. I hadn't predicted a good response, in fact, that particular section is littered with words such as 'black eye', 'hated', 'disgust' and 'you idiot, Ken! I'm in love with Kari!'
"I'm in love with Kari? Huh? You think I'm romantically interested in my own sister?!" He's looking more puzzled now than anything. "That doesn't make sense, Ken. Not that any of this makes sense, in the first place." I try to grab the clipboard back before he sees enough to come to a more informed conclusion, he's already seen enough to make his own results unusable, and I'm feeling embarrassed enough as it is. But Tai swipes it out of the way in time, his glare rivalling that of a gorgon. I certainly *feel* as though I've been turned to stone.
Or maybe that is just wishful thinking.
"Method, Evaluation, Equipment …" Tai reads the headings incredulously aloud as he flickers through the pages. "Goal…" He stops there, on the very last page, and I feel myself wanting to collapse in on myself, or at the very least get eaten by some random Digimon. Tai falls silent, dark eyes lightening slightly as he reads over the lengthy document. "Ken …"
I can't bear to look at him, so simply nod quietly when he speaks my name.
"You are such a geek."
I don't remember writing THAT as a possible reaction anywhere in my predictions. But there is humour in his voice, and I allow desolate eyes to glance up through drenched strands of lavender. He's shaking his head again, although this time there is laughter in his eyes and compassion in his smile.
"You planned all this-" he waves his hand at the clipboard, "- and kissed *me*, to try and gauge how Daisuke would react if you did the same to him?" Please don't laugh at me, Tai. I get it that you think I'm an idiot; I'm starting to come to the same conclusion myself. "This has got to be the most romantic thing I've ever seen in my life!"
"It … it is?"
"I mean, most people say it with flowers or chocolates or whatever, but you? This is just full of originality and flair. Nerdy flair, but flair, never the less." He's starting to actually get rather excited about this. "Although I'm not quite sure why you used me as your substitute Dai."
I thought that was something that would be obvious to him, but perhaps Tai hasn't noticed the parallels between himself and Daisuke as well as the rest of us have. "I, I needed someone who I felt would have similar reactions to Daisuke, and you appeared to be the most obvious choice." He smiles at this, before a frown forms on his face.
"You thought Daisuke would –" he skips forward several pages to 'predictions' again. "- never speak to you again? Break off your friendship? Accuse you of being perverted?" Tai's voice is softer now, and suddenly he's the one examining me.
"They are simply several possible outcomes," I reply stiffly, although I'm sure Tai can see how simply hearing those words spoken aloud associated with Daisuke is enough to make me fearful. "I … I have to weigh up the positives and negatives before any course of action is decided on, if any is at all."
"Some of these negatives seem a bit harsh. I don't think Daisuke would ever do anything to ever hurt you, Ken."
"But as our experiment showed, the first 45 seconds at least are dedicated to spontaneous thoughts. You reacted fairly well, but at the same time, we're neither best friends nor dependant on each other when it comes to our Digimon evolving. If it had been Matt instead who had thrown himself at you, would you have reacted in the same way?"
"Believe me, you don't want to know." Tai says it after a brief moment of silence, as though he was trying to decide exactly how to answer that particular question. I'm not sure what to make of his answer, the way he says it seems almost like … wow.
"He did, didn't he?"
"Listen Ken, if you want to reveal your feelings to Daisuke, you're going to need more practise being assertive." He sidesteps the question completely, and his statement has the desired effect of diverting my thoughts.
"I'm not sure how many people I can go up to and kiss, Tai." It's an admittance made with a deep blush in place. "It was hard enough planning all this." Tai does laugh then, dispersing the uncomfortable bleakness that had settled moments before.
"You're not going to need to kiss anyone else, Ken – I promise. However we need to work out a plan of attack that doesn't involve you stopping every few minutes through a romantic moment to write down your observations."
He does have a point. The clipboard is rather bulky, after all.
"And when it comes to being assertive, what better a person to teach you all about it than me?" He winks cheerfully, and a small smile forces its way onto my lips. Part of me still refuses to believe that Tai is actually offering to help, that there must be some hidden strings involved somewhere.
"You'll really help me?" Me, of all people.
"Of course, Ken-Ken! We are friends, and I think you and Daisuke would make such a cute couple." I'm not going to smile goofily; I'm not going to smile goofily… "But, dude? Don't smile like that. You look like a dork."
I think I'll have to write this experiment up as a success, even if the results were not ones that were expected.
End chapter two.
In the next chapter, both Tai and Matt attempt to 'help' their two friends. Ken and Daisuke finally start to doubt their sanity.