FIC THE TENTH
In Which Patronizing Hashirama Makes a Triumphant Return

Description: This is definitely how Hashirama died. Yeah. Definitely.

Hashirama stood tall above the battlefield, perched atop a large boulder, his hair waving in the wind. He put his hands on his hips and looked at the sky, sniffling. "Are we done here? I've got a dinner reservation at six."

Might Kai stood across the desecrated clearing like a bent twig, his hair scorched and burning. He glowed a pale red glow, and his skin appeared to be peeling off from his body in bloody strips, vaporizing in the heat that radiated from him like a miniature sun.

"How..." he panted, taking a teetering step forward, clutching at his heart, "...how are you so powerful?"

Hashirama puffed out his chest, pursed his lips in thought. "I, uhh..."

The truth was, he was just lucky. Impossibly and incomprehensibly lucky.

But he couldn't just say that. The First Hokage had to say things that were poetic! Memorable!

So, naturally, he spat out the first bullshit answer that came to mind.

"It's my... uh..." he looked at the burning man in front of him, "...fire! My..." he turned to the forest in blank desperation, and his eyes narrowed in on a small willow tree by the river to their north, "...fire willow! No... willow fire!"

Yep. Absolute bullshit.

He beamed a megawatt smile, and puffed his chest up more. "Indeed! So the next time you come around the Hidden Leaf Village, beware of my willow fire! It protects us all!"

Might Kai coughed, and took another stumble forwards. "Your... Will of Fire? That is what makes you so invincible?"

Hashirama nodded so quickly Kai thought he saw afterimages.

When Kai had taken on the near-impossible task to assassinate the most powerful man in the Ninja World (a mission set aside for him by a strangely angry man with red-green eyes and noodles for bones), he hadn't realized that Hashirama would be this daft.

"I will die soon," he said through gritted teeth, and felt another of his internal organs shut down. He may as well ask. "Tell me... is there any way to kill you? I... must know."

Hashirama made his best 'macho' pose again from atop his rock, and shook his head. "Nay, evildoer! You cannot trump my willow!"

Kai raised an eyebrow.

Suddenly, it all made sense.

"Hey, Hashirama," he said, pointing off into the distance. "What's that over there?"

Hashirama's eyes went wide, and the man spun around so fast it looked like his hair was entering orbit. "What? Huh? I don't see anyth-"

Using the last of his strength, Kai leapt forward and planted a lone kunai in the Hokage's back.

Hashirama died in the same way a bird slammed into slate glass.

Kai harrumphed, and raised an eyebrow. "Huh. That worked."

And then he died too.