Hello all! This is my first fanfiction in well over 3 years, so pardon if it's extremely rusty. Regardless, I hope you all enjoy! Keep in mind, I don't have a beta reader for this story yet, so if you read it and like it, drop a comment if you're interested in beta reading future chapters! Prompts are also welcome, as while I have a semi clear idea for how this story is going to go, it isn't entirely mapped out yet, so some prompts could definetely help my creative juices flow (lol)

Chapter 1-Vivid Recollections

He sat on the other side of the large ballroom, his eyes glued on her. It was her 'Suitor Picking Ceremony', something he had constantly put off and delayed for years due to his never ending desire for her. Yet of course she was sitting here enjoying her ceremony without a care in the world. The thought that he sat here, the only one in this room who has loved her, lusted after her, and desired her for nearly his entire life, yet she was completely oblivious to it all left him frustrated. His anger heightened when he realized where all those prospective suitors were staring, nearly all of their eyes glued on her full chest, none of them taking the time to look at her face directly. All of them were most likely having extremely perverse thoughts. It disgusted him, but it wasn't like he was any different.

The dress she was wearing for the occasion made her look simply gorgeous, more so than she already was. He remembered the way Camilla gleefully picked out clothes for her, proclaiming constantly that 'No man will be able to take their eyes off you in this, Kamui!'

Well, Camilla was painfully right, unfortunately. The ballgown was a light teal, one that complemented her stunning red eyes nicely. It was strapless, and fit her body extremely well. He could tell she was aware of it too, as she was constantly adjusting her dress wearing a resident pink blush on her cheeks. It was adorable but it infuriated him how all these other disgusting boys got to see that sweet expression on her face.

He wanted her to belong to him fully, and the fact that all these inferior boys got to see an expression on her face that he wanted to only belong to him upset him to no end.

He absentmindedly realized he was clenching his fists and exhaled, relaxing his hands. He had to get his mind off this. These past few years had been absolute torture for him.

When did it all start? When did he start realizing that his feelings for her were far past the ones normal siblings harbor for one another? He suspected it went as far as back as their very first meeting.

He remembered it well. They had all been very young at the time. Garon had gathered them all in the hall for some 'special occasion.' And then he saw her. She was trembling, and was clutching a servant girl's hand with such fear in her eyes that he was afraid she might pass out right then and there. He remembered his initial impression of her was that she was cute, very cute in fact, but at that time only the desire to protect her and bring her happiness was his motivation. He chuckled to himself, thinking how pathetically innocent that sounded now.

He recalled their times together when they were young. The two were practically inseparable, her running gleefully to him, excited to show him whatever new thing she had learned, or just spend time with him in general. And he was the model princely big brother in return, holding her hand, protecting her, hugging her when she was scared. He thought his actions were perfectly normal for siblings, but not even months after they had met, he had begun to feel things for her. It confused him, because he was quite unknowledgeable in any and all information regarding love at the time,and mistook his feelings as familial.

Yet as years passed, he realized his desire to kiss her and hold her, and when he asked himself if he was willing to do those same things to, say, Camilla, he felt disgusted. But if it was Kamui, he wanted it. He wanted it badly. It wasn't until he was in his late teens until he fully come to terms with his feelings and had realized how badly her wanted her. Her beautiful eyes. Her pale skin. The way she would blush and glance away when he complimented her before returning his gaze with a soft smile. Her tiny body but decidedly large breasts. Gods, he wanted it all.

But the feelings he harbored made him feel guilty beyond belief.

She thought of him as her big brother, she always had and always will. If she were to find out about his constant fantasies, and (as he grew older) the many times he had pathetically pleasured himself to thoughts of her, he was positive she would be horrified. It was for that reason that he refused to give her any hints of his lustful desires whatsoever.

She would never return them. So, she would never need to know.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the chair. The ceremony was probably about halfway over. He needed to relax. For once in his life, he needed to stop thinking about her.

Yet as his eyes closed, the memory of the only time he had seen her naked flashed in his eyes. It was about 5 years ago. He had gone to her room to ask her something urgently, though even to this day he couldn't even remember what it was he meant to ask. Without knocking, he had violently flung open the door before seeing her, butt naked, near the bathroom. She had just stepped out of the shower as her hair was quite wet, and he could smell the pleasant scent of her shampoo even from halfway across the room. And Gods… her body. He so badly wanted to just pin her to the wall and have her right then and there. But of course that wasn't an option. So like an idiot, he just stood there staring at her absolutely dumbfounded. Their cheeks were both so god damn red, but his feet were stuck on the floor and his eyes were stuck on her, his gaze ravaging her without even the need for words.

She was shy, incredibly so, and had done nothing the entire time but gasp slightly and stand there in shock before weakly trying to cover up herself. She probably thought his barging in was an accident, which it was, but he would be lying if he said that he did not like what he was seeing. He had no idea how long he had stood there before he had hastily mumbled out an apology and had backed away, rushing out of the room to the nearest bathroom where he then proceeded to pleasure himself, with the pathetic knowledge that he knew what she looked like naked.

It was sad, he knew that well. Even back then, he had told himself that he had to stop feeling the way he did. So, he attempted to move on in the worst way possible. During the next 2 years, he had slept with a wild multitude of women. He was a handsome prince, so finding women willing to sleep with him was no challenge at all. But, he had shamelessly projected Kamui onto every single women he slept with. If he closed his eyes, those breasts he was touching were Kamui's, the lips he were kissing were Kamui's, the body he was making love to was Kamui. It had gotten so bad that he had accidentally moaned out Kamui's name when he was with another women. Needless to say, it had took many months of persuasion and bribery to convince the girl to not say a word to anyone else. And after that, he had stopped seeing anyone else. That was 3 years ago. Since then, he hasn't slept with a single person.

And in those past 3 years, the fantasies of her had grown even more constant. Nearly every night she would be in his dreams, torturing him endlessly. It had all eventually caused him to talk to her less and less. He didn't trust himself. If he were to talk to her regularly, he wasn't sure how he would be able to restrain himself. In fact, now that he had thought about it, it had probably been some weeks since they had a real conversation. They weren't hostile or cold to one another, but all they would really do now was just exchange a brief 'hello' or smile while passing each other in hallways, but that was about it.

It was probably for the best. Distancing himself from her was honestly the best thing he could hope to do in this situation. He was in his late 20's, she was nearly 20. He really had to stop.

He began to chuckle to himself. How many times had he told himself that? And how many times did anything change?

He was pathetic.

Opening his eyes, he realized the ceremony was over. She hadn't picked any of the suitors, much to his surprise, yet she was given a few days to think it over. Exhaling, he left the hall and made his way to his room. It had been a long day. He would deal with whatever suitor she chose later. For now, all he wanted to do was sleep. And sleep, he did.

Well there you go! Hope you all enjoyed! Sorry for nothing really happening in this chapter, it mainly serves to set up my portrayal of Xander for this fic. Next chapter will be really similar except it'll be from Kamui's POV. Stuff won't really start happening until Chapter 3, but I feel like these chapters are necessary in order to set up the characters so, sorry?
Anyways, PLEASE leave a comment so I can know what you guys think! Thanks!

Note: I'm crossposting this on my AO3 acc!