It was no surprise that Ichimatsu had problems with depression and related self esteem issues. As a child, he was normal, simple. He hadn't thought anything specific towards himself, he didn't really have time to notice. It was when he was 14, maybe, that Ichi had noticed that something became...odd. Off. He supposed that that was the result of a traumatic experience. The world had become gray to him. He felt seemingly more empty inside, finding it hard to muster up emotions. And when they did hit, it hit harder than Jyushimatsu could hit a ball. He was overwhelmed with a rush of pure, sickening, sadness. It kept him up all night, quiet sobs which he couldn't even find the source for racked his body. He would find himself violently shaking, his breathing staggered. It had settled at some point, and he would fluctuate between feeling everything and nothing and sometimes frustratingly both at the same time. He hated it. These feelings had developed into a burning hatred for himself. He begun to analyze his body all too thoroughly, checking off every little flaw that he could find. What was worse, however, was when his body issues manifested into very, unsafe habits. Food became his worst enemy. Ichimatsu found himself silently glaring at full plates all the while trying to ward off bile that rose. He had gone very long periods of time without eating, and spent the time after he did getting it out him and dry heaving long after. His stomach would churn at the idea of going to the bathhouse because he would be forced to face his body, and he would compare it to his brothers' every time. He would often run to the bathroom when he could to empty his stomach when he saw a full view of his body in the mirror. He had begun to pick at his arms and face as a form of self harm, and from there had gone from simple picking to leaving nasty scars which scattered along his arms. This was another reason he loathed going to the bath house. However, each time Ichimatsu was questioned about it, his default response was usually "it was the cats" or "had to break up a cat fight, it was bad" and then hoped his brother, who was usually Choro asking him, would buy it. He usually did, which Ichi was both happy and angry at because he wouldn't have to deal with more questions but his brother couldn't see how very obvious it was that he was causing this to himself. However, he generally missed the worried stares from his other brothers. Jyushi wasted no time when no one else was looking to gently grab Ichimatsu's hand and hug at his arms, usually leaving soft kisses and words of comfort that were usually along the lines of "please be careful, Nii-san", with tears in his eyes. Ichimatsu often found himself wondering if Jyushimatsu knew he was lying. As air headed as he was, Jyushi knew Ichimatsu very well. They had spent the most time with each other, after all. They had a special sort of relationship, Ichi supposed. Oh well, if Jyushi knew, he knew. Wasn't much he could do about it. These thoughts usually led to more self deprivation, though. Ichi would grow angry because he knew he didn't deserve anything kind, he was garbage. Useless trash that's easily tossed to the side and over looked. He was such an awful, ugly person. How could someone like Jyushimatsu give him the time of day? It was another thing about him that Ichi never understood. He could hang around with any of his other brothers, at least they were fun and didn't spend their waning days depressed in a corner talking to cats because he had crippling social anxiety and he would never be able to make friends, but instead Jyushimatsu decided to include him in his adventures. He always asked him first to play baseball with him, to clime trees, or to just lay on the roof and enjoy the warm days. Those times on the roof weren't always the most pleasant, at least in Ichi's mind. While Jyushi was smiling and happy, often making proclamations about how much he enjoyed "having so fun with Ichimatsu-niisan!", Ichi had thoughts about throwing himself off of the roof and get ran over and die. But he couldn't because Jyushimatsu would cry and Karamatsu would find a way to blame himself for not taking care of him. Wait- why did he come to mind? What did Shittymatsu have to do with his feelings? Ichimatsu dizhdn't care, anyway. Karamatsu was just his painful, stupid older brother who probably won't accomplish anything. And yet...sometimes he would notice Karamatsu gazing at him with a worried look in his eyes when he thought Ichi didn't notice. He was usually met with angry daggers and quickly brushed it off as if he wasn't just starting at Ichimatsu for no damn reason. Karamatsu could be affectionate at times too, it was so gross. Although, and Ichi wouldn't admit this out loud under any circumstances, he sometimes felt a strange closeness to Kara. It wasn't like how he felt with Jyushi, this was different. Sure, both of his brothers would treat him as if he was worth the universe when he was no more than a spec of dust, but it was just...so weird and odd. Jyushimatsu looked up to him like he was the king of the world, and Karamatsu looked at him like had to be protected no matter what. He didn't know how to feel about this dynamic, wfrankly on either side Ichi knew they were just wasting their time. Why couldn't they just move on? Ugh, damn Shittymatsu and his stupid smile and protectiveness. It was so annoying, just as was everything about the guy. Kara really needed a hobby besides bothering him and everyone else. Ichimatsu had no problem telling him this, but was always met with the same painful response where Karamatsu would claim that he had to restore happiness or whatnot, Ichi wasn't really paying attention. He never understood how Karamatsu could stay so confident and happy even though he and everyone else would ignore and insult him constantly. Maybe that was why Ichi was so annoyed at him; he was jealous. He wished he could have that staggering confidence, he wished he didn't have fucking cats as his best friends. He wished he could look at the world and the people in it with so much optimism and beauty as Karamatsu did, shelling out so much love and care for his family that he would often ignore his own needs so he could make other people happy. One reoccurring instance reminded Ichi of this...

Nights were always bad for Ichimatsu. It gave him extra time to think about how much he hated himself and his body and his life. He would also have awful, triggering flashbacks to traumatic moments he experienced in the past, which would sometimes intrude in his dreams and turn them into horrific nightmares. Ichi was often too scared to sleep, so he decided to just go through the night pretending so no one would ask him questions if they woke up. Although, when he start to cry and scream, he would always feel strong, warm arms encircling his trembling body.

He was right next to Karamatsu, whom Ichi generally faced away from. That night, Ichi was was just too exhausted to stay awake, so he desperately tried to fall asleep. Everything seemed to be fine until a certain memory that mmade him sick to his stomach to think about came creeping up into his innocent dream.

Ichimatsu was 13 at the time, cheerful and playful as any kid could be. He was by himself while his brothers were off doing who knows what. He was watching a tiny kitten laze about and he had wanted to lean over and pet it badly. Though he knew that that could get himself into some trouble since he didn't know how it would react, so Ichimatsu decided to just sit there and watch quietly, and if the cat wanted to come to him, it would. Ichi had been too distracted to notice a stranger come up behind him and snatch the boy up quickly. He squirmed and tried to yell but a hand on his mouth and a string of threats shut him up quickly. He remembered the hot, disgusting breath the man had as he tossed him into an alleyway and ripped his innocence away from him...

"No...no no, please stop..." Ichimatsu mumbled to himself, tears starting to run down his cheeks as he gripped the blanket. He started to shake violently and his cries were becoming louder. He tossed and turned. Ichimatsu could feel his breath shorten. He hated when this happened, he wished he could just have one peaceful night without something fucking it up. And, of course, through his crying and pleading, those same pair of arms wrapped themselves around him. He was facing the person this time, grabbing him by the sides and buried his face into the comforter's chest. His mind was too foggy to process who it was and frankly he didn't care. Ichimatsu just sobbed as the memory replayed in his head over and over again. His cries grew quieter as a very soft, silky voice started to hum. This was...new. Never had he been hummed to when this would happen. Ichimatsu moved his face away the now wet chest to look up to the source. The humming stopped while this happened, which kind of made Ichi upset. He rubbed at his eyes to properly see. Karamatsu. Wonderful. His eyes had bags under them and Ichi could see the look of utmost concern and affection. Yuck. But, although he hated to admit it, Ichimatsu was actually happy that it was him. Karamatsu always had a knack for comforting people and making them feel safe, even though probably no one did that for him. Ichi didn't really know what to say, and what he did say he regretted immediately.

"Go to sleep, Shittymatsu."

"I can't...not until you're okay." the older one said, and Ichi was a little caught off guard by the sentiment. Stupid Shittymatsu...

"Shi- er, Karamatsu, don't worry about me, I'm not worth it anyway."/p

Karamatsu was not amused bythe answer, and pulled his little brother closer. "Don't say that! It's worth it to me. It's my job as your big brother to take care of you, even if it means giving up sleep for a few days..."

A few days?! What the hell. Well that did explain why he looked way more tired and had significantly less energy than he normally does. Ichimatsu only assumed the times where he wasn't present in their endeavors was because he was making up for lost sleep. Selfless idiot...he's always putting someone else's needs before his, how stupid. As comfortable as he was, Ichi sat up and crossed his arms. Karamatsu also sat up, looking at his younger sibling with concern. He waiting for Ichimatsu to say something.

"Why would you even do that...I don't get it."

"What do you mean?"

"You're always putting everyone else's needs before your own! Why can't you just leave me alone."/p

"I think we have more important issues than what I do, Ichi. You've been having constant nightmares and I'm worried about it.

"Yeah, well, don't waste your time. They're stupid anyway."

"If you don't to share them then that's okay. I'm still going to be here if you need me." He just never quits does he? Karamatsu is...Ichimatsu didn't even know what to say. He was being just so fucking nice and affectionate that he didn't know whether to puke or to cry. Both maybe? Yeah, both sounds good. But instead, Ichimatsu slipped back into his brothers' warm embrace, going against everything he's said in the past about touching this painful man. Karamatsu held a strong grip around his younger sibling with no intention of letting go until he was given the okay to, and they stayed like in comfortable silence for what felt like hours. The whole time Ichimatsu debated about letting his brother in on his nightmares, but he decided against it. Maybe when he was fully ready. For now, he was fine with silence./p