A/N: I am starting to wonder how many of those mostly-unfinished shots I can spew out. It's almost like I have nothing better to do with my time. Which I do. Really. I have pasta to make.

A/N 2: Guys, I am so, so sorry for this. So unbelievably sorry.

"That was most entertaining! A pointless fight between two utterly fake people!"

Archer just barely managed to stay upright as three Noble Phantasms pierced his abdomen and chest simultaneously. No. No, it can't be. Not now.

"B-but how…? It can't be!"

Saber's voice was laced with fear and disbelief. From the corner of his eye Archer could make out her widened eyes, the way she instinctively took a step back with her holy sword raised.

The blonde at the top of the ruined staircase smiled at her politely, as if greeting an old acquaintance he hadn't seen in a long time. To Archer, who had seen a very different side of Gilgamesh's view of Saber, it was almost a relief. At least I don't have to worry about the rapist in him coming out to say hello… right?

"How long has it been Saber, ten years?" he exclaimed in a cheery voice, turning his attention right where it was most unwanted: back to Archer and his younger self. "Well then, do you understand now? That is the weight of the genuine article. Imitate the shape and power all you like, but they are still just imitations. It makes me sick to see careless forgeries crafted by fakes… scum." His face turned to a disgusted scowl. "Poor imitations of others must be destroyed, incinerated like the trash they-"

"Hold it right there Archer!"

"Hmm?"

"What?"

As both Archers turned to look at Saber, they were greeted with a sight that would forever be edged in their minds. The proud King of Knights was trembling from head to toe, pure, unbridled rage radiating off of her in waves that made Archer's chest tighten.

"Is that all you have to say to me Archer?" she said in a low voice, murderous intent all too obvious. "It has been a long time? Is that all?"

What is she talking about?

Gilgamesh looked as taken aback as Archer himself. "Well, I… suppose so…?"

"Why are you here? And why?"

The question, more normal in its nature, seemed to shake that uncharacteristic moment of uncertainty out of the blonde Archer. His confident smile returned.

"Isn't it obvious? I chose to stay in this world instead of disappearing."

"Oh?"

The unusual tone of voice, no, the entire picture of Saber looking not unlike an animal ready to pounce, had thrown Archer for a loop. Although this had not been the first time he would be killed in a Grail War in such a manner, he had never, not once, seen Saber lose her cool in a situation like this. He had seen her hesitation, disbelief, he had taken in the crushed look on her face in learning of the true nature of the Grail, everything. But never something like this. He realized with horror that a bit of yellow had appeared in her crystal clear green eyes.

Gilgamesh must have taken note of the change as well, because that uncertain look in his face was reappearing. He was trying to play it off by retaining his arrogant façade, but Archer's eyes could detect the slightest hint of worry in his red irises. Gilgamesh is feeling it too. And he is worried about it. Something is very wrong.

"Y-yes! You see, I was the only Servant who bathed in the Grail and thus-"

"Who the bloody hell gives a bugger about that?"

The silence that followed that statement was long, awkward and very thick. Archer felt like he could drop a pin and the entire place would explode. Gilgamesh was staring at Saber contemplatively, with the worry in his face slowly turning into cold anger. Saber herself didn't seem to be backing off and Rin had taken a few steps in his direction, a gem in her hands.

"Uh… Saber…?"

Not surprisingly, the one person who could never understand the meaning of the words run for your life was trying to approach the strongest Saber-Class Servant while she was a boiling pit of hot rage. Shirou Emiya took a few hesitant steps forward before laying a hand on Saber's shoulder. Archer could only hope that Saber would cut that arm off, if for no other reason than to satisfy that part of him that was actually kind of bitter at his defeat.

"You seem… upset." Emiya said hesitantly, trying to sooth the Knight's wrath. "I understand why you may want to gut that man where he stands, I do, but please, do not let yourself be blinded by rage."

The sudden burst of sense from his younger self made Archer blink a few times. It also made him drop his guard. So when that first wave of pain hit him, he screamed.

"Shut up and be still you idiot!" a furious Rin Tohsaka hissed as she threw the first of the swords that had pierced him away.

"No, Rin, wait- GAH!"

Tohsaka showed her Servant no mercy as she placed her foot on his back- his very much mortally injured back- and pulled out another sword from his abdomen.

"Why?"

"Don't be such a baby Archer! You are wounded!"

"I don't need your help!"

Rin didn't answer him, but the way she stared at him made it very clear to Archer that he was on the losing end of a battle he didn't even know was taking place. Before he had time to get a single word out of his mouth however, Rin pulled the last sword out of him with a very, very pleased grin on her face. As he fell backwards with his mouth wide open in shock, that beast of a woman shoved the gem she had been previously holding in her hand down his throat and shut his nose and mouth with both hands.

"Swallow, Archer."

Not like I have a choice you blasted psychopath!

As the gem went down his esophagus, Archer felt mana being released into his body. While it wasn't sufficient to restore him anywhere close to his full power, it was a boost he was thankful for.

As he opened his mouth to thank Rin, she stepped with all her might on his crotch. A piteous, high-pitched squeak came out of Archer.

"This is for being a moron." the magus explained as she dusted herself off.

I suppose it could have been worse…

Any more thoughts he might have had in the matter however, were immediately put on hold as a chuckle spilled from Gilgamesh's mouth. The ancient King threw his head back and laughed, attracting the attention of everyone in the destroyed hall of the Einzbern castle, Saber's no less wrathful gaze returning to him, as her former Master lay in a small crate with a bruised eye, a handful of hair in his former Servant's hand and her armored leg on his crotch. He himself could still feel the pain of Rin's earlier abuse, but this once he could sympathize with his younger self. There was a difference between being a Servant being kicked in the balls by an enhanced magus and being an idiot who is being kicked in the balls by a Servant.

"Ignoring and interrupting the King in his presence? Truly mongrels…" the look on Gilgamesh's face made Archer shiver, "you must long for a painful death."

The Gate of Babylon opened behind him, not more than ten portals, but with strong enough Noble Phantasms that Archer was certain that the golden Servant could annihilate a small city at a wave of his hand.

"I will ask you again Archer. What is your purpose here? What do you care for the Grail?"

Saber's question seemed to distract Gilgamesh, to Archer's immense relief. Nothing he could project would be capable of stopping all those Noble Phantasms, but if there was a thing he knew for a fact after so many Grail Wars, it was that the King of Uruk had a thing about listening to his own voice. In fact, the Servant of the Bow was convinced that if Gilgamesh could run across a beach in his own arms, he probably would. Saber and her questions were giving him time to think of a plan of escape and he couldn't be more grateful to the Servant of the Sword for it.

"Foolish woman! I have no interest in the Grail itself, but rather in its ability to act as a hole."

"The Grail is a hole?"

"Think back ten years, Saber." Gilgamesh's expression became serious. "When I was but a step away from claiming the Grail, you intervened and stopped me. The Grail was split in half by your holy sword."

"No way… Saber, you destroyed the- Saber?"

There were no words in Archer's vocabulary that could describe the sheer amount of bloodlust that seemed to be emanating from Saber.

"Oh that's so typical. So bloody typical. Make me the bad guy, why won't you?"

"…what?"

"You were about to claim the Grail and I stopped you? Is that it you lying little piece of shite!"

The stunned silence that followed Saber's outburst was only interrupted by the small noises made by Emiya trying to crawl away from his recently-insane Servant, presumably because he wanted to salvage what little chances he had for producing children in the future. Which were very slim after Saber's earlier treatment of her Master's crotch.

"Because the way I remember that encounter is more along the lines 'marry me Saber, look at all the shiny Noble Phantasms aimed at you, totally no pressure to accept, please my only love'!" The bad mimicry of Gilgamesh's voice wasn't even funny at this point. Archer did not have the mental capacity to comprehend what was going on at that moment. "And now, after so many years have gone by I stand right before you and all you have to say to me is 'hey Saber, long time no see'! Long time, no bloody see!"

Archer blinked. What the…

Gilgamesh being in a similar state of complete disbelief could only gawk at this new, maniacal part of Saber. "I-what were you-"

"I am going to waste you!"

Not even Archer's excellent vision was capable of keeping up with the speed in which Saber executed her attack. Using Prana Burst she effectively disappeared from sight, only to re-appear right in front of a very shocked Gilgamesh. The ensuing punch in the stomach she gave him had the King doubling over in pain a fraction of a second before being sent flying backwards.

"Not so fast!" Saber screeched before following right behind Gilgamesh with her sword raised. "You think you can escape that easily? You think you can just ruin everything and then just act as if we are best buddies?"

Gilgamesh's voice was muffled by distance and slightly distorted by pain. "But I never acted like-"

"Nobody said you could speak!"

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"That's right you arrogant worm, scream for me!"

For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, Archer could positively say that he hadn't an inkling regarding what should happen next. As he listened to what sounded like Saber inflicting all the world's pain on his nemesis, his pitiful squeaks and screams and Saber's insane laughter, everything seemed to sink into a haze of stupidity. Archer had effectively reached a vegetative state of mind for a few minutes, being kept on his feet only by the force of his willpower.

"This… this doesn't even…" he managed to stutter. What sounded like a chainsaw roared from where Saber and Gilgamesh had disappeared, making the situation even more ridiculous.

"You think you can just ignore me? You think you can propose in one moment and the next act like we've never had anything?"

"But we never did! You decli-ahhhhhhhhhh."

"What was that? Say it to my face!"

"Sweet mother of the gods!"

"That's right you miserable punk, I'm your Momma now!"

"Saber, dear, if all you want is a piece of me, I am sure we can arrange that…"

"Oh, don't you worry, I will have a lot of pieces from you!"

"This makes no sense… why would Saber even want that guy's attention…"

"It is fairly obvious, isn't it?" Rin cut in. "She doesn't. Saber doesn't want anything to do with this creep. But-" Rin stopped talking to step out of the way of a few projectiles from the Gate. "But you should not underestimate a maiden's heart. You see, Saber has spent her entire life being a King. A great King, unsullied by personal desires and emotions. She cares nothing for love or anything that may distract from her carrying out what she feels her duty towards her own people."

The young magus, before Archer's rather incredulous gaze, ducked with complete calm from the way of yet another… golden… projectile, which struck the wall and groaned in pain. To Archer's horror, it wasn't a projectile per se, but rather the King of Heroes himself. He grabbed Rin and quickly got out of the way of the blue-and-silver whirlwind that was making a beeline for the still-dizzy golden Servant. Shirou himself wasn't so lucky of course and being in Saber's path right now, he got the only treatment that could be considered merciful: she stepped on his back, with all the pain of an enraged Servant planting a foot on someone's back well and truly felt by the poor protagonist.

"However, despite how undoubtedly warped, twisted and perverted this guy's approach might be, he still did something that no one else has done for her- he ignored it all and proposed. He unknowingly applied to Saber's inner desire for a life that did not involve murder, lust and betrayal, but rather a dull, ordinary life. And let us not forget Saber's other inner self: her inner protagonist/love interest self."

"…what are you talking about?"

"Don't you see? This isn't the Fate route. Here, she is no more than an adorable sidelined character. She doesn't even have a true motive to attain the Grail anymore. So when the one person that could make her feel special ignored her, he ignited an inner rage within her that has led to this outcome. Understand?"

"I admit to being significantly more confused."

"YES, THAT IS RIGHT, BURN!"

"And more disturbed as time passes."

Rin sighed. "It is like this. He proposed to her ten years ago, presumably interfering with Saber attaining the Grail. But now, ten years later, he acts as they have never met before. Saber is understandably upset about it. It's as if he never called the morning after."

"You mean to say she actually wants... him?"

"No, not at all. I believe that if, in fact, he had given her the same attention as he did in the previous War, she would have denied just as vigorously."

Archer covered Rin from the flying debris of the explosion that had ensued from whatever means Saber had managed to create an explosion with. Shirou, on the other hand, was hit straight on the head and passed out once more.

"But this isn't the case. He ignored her. He scorned her."

"Say my name! Say it! Do it you poor excuse of a movie villain!"

"I don't know your name! You never told me your name! Please, put that thing away!"

"Is that RIGHT?"

"And as you may be aware Archer…" Rin smiled at him, that diamond-cutting, purely Rin Tohsaka smile that had haunted him all throughout his life, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Archer swallowed, trying to not allow Rin to smell his fear.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing! I swear! Nothing! Please!"

"EX-"

"Saber, honey, please, we can talk about it…"

"-CALIBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

As Archer slowly opened his eyes, trying to clear them after the intense light of Excalibur's ultimate attack, he saw Saber approaching, a peaceful expression on her face.

"Rin. Let us go home."

"Yes, of course. Archer, come."

The Servant of the Bow took a quick look around, noting that Gilgamesh was nowhere to be seen.

"Archer."

Better not provoke them right now… "I am right behind you." he said with a sigh, trying to put the entire thing out of his mind. At least that is one nuisance down…

In the mostly collapsed Einzbern hall, alone and forgotten, a single figure moved on the ground, indicating that he was still alive.

"Help me…" Emiya Shirou managed to choke out before another piece of falling debris hit him on the head. With a groan, he passed out once more, forgotten until plot demanded otherwise.

"I will… not forget… this affront to the King…"

Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, King of Uruk, Collector of All Treasures, Two-Thirds God and the first and biggest pain in the ass humanity had ever had to deal with, was in a bad shape. And I do mean, bad shape. As he managed to stagger through the forest outside the Einzbern castle, he planned horrible revenge in his head, determined to punish this grave insult in the worst manner possible.

"You!"

Oh, you better not utter a single word right now, you despicable slime ball… the King warned his "Master" in his mind. He was certain that even that defect of humanity would be capable of realizing that this was just not the right moment to be within his sight.

Clearly, the King does not realize what it means to be Shinji.

"Look at me! I got stabbed by Lancer because- why are you naked?"

Gilgamesh shot him a glare that had Shinji taking several steps back. "That is none of your business."

"N-N-None of my business! Look at you! You are covered in bruises, cuts and gods, why is your torso sliced open! I cannot obliterate Emiya and Tohsaka if you are such a useless dumbass!"

The King of Uruk smiled in satisfaction as he shot Shinji in the head with the original shovel with which Hercules had cleaned the Augean Stables.

At least this day has not been a complete disaster. He thought to himself, limping towards the Church and trying to come up with a cool explanation of why he looked like he had been in a blender. And as he did so, a small part of him, one that resided beneath all the pain and humiliation he had suffered, couldn't help but be impressed.

What a woman!

THE END?

A/N: I am fully aware that this makes no sense. But to be honest, I still feel a bit annoyed over the fact that Saber and Gilgamesh didn't have any more interactions than that one "How long has it been, Saber?". I am not a shipper of those two, but that part insulted my sense of continuity. Did they even watch how Fate/Zero ended? And before anyone brings up the Fate route, this is not the Fate route. They should have at least handled this a bit better.

Other than that, I hope you all enjoyed my little drivel and if you did, please leave your thoughts or observations in the medium-sized box bellow. Special thanks to my good friend on the site, TTY7, who managed to withstand my rants on the subject and who unwillingly helped me come up with what I presented you with. :D