A/N: It's been a while since I've posted fanfiction, but this is a story that's been playing in the back of my mind, and I decided to write it down. It's dedicated to a few wonderful reviewers who once said that they'd read anything I posted, even my shopping list. That isn't what this story is, but I appreciated the sentiment. :-)

Currently, this is a one-shot, but I posted it under this account because I might add more chapters in the future, and if so, it's likely to change to an M rating. Also, it should be noted that this is told in third-person, past-tense, Omniscient Narrator POV, since that's what I've been using for my original fiction, and I didn't want to lose the habit.

Finally, thank you to my wonderful beta reader, Rosalie!

Disclaimer: I do not own the "Divergent" series or the characters that came from it. Those belong to Veronica Roth.

Shopping List

Tris hated it when women sent their boyfriends to buy feminine care products. It was hard enough to reach everything she needed on the shelves from her five-foot-nothing height when there was no one in her way. Add in a six-foot-two muscular man blocking the entire aisle as he embarrassedly read label after label, and it was a hopeless effort.

"Excuse me," she stated loudly, not bothering to hide her annoyance. He was quick to jump aside. "I just need these." Giving him a tight smile, she moved past him, pulling her preferred style of maxi-pads from the shelf.

His eyes followed the package into her cart, and he bit his lip. "Is that a good brand?" he asked abruptly, his light olive skin flushing a deep red.

Tris gave him a level stare. "That depends entirely on what your girlfriend likes. There's no one product for everyone."

"My sister," he corrected her quickly, shifting uncomfortably in place. "Half-sister, actually. I haven't seen her in a while, and I really want her visit to go well, but she added all this stuff to my grocery list, and…." His deep blue eyes met her lighter ones helplessly. "I have no idea what I'm looking for here."

This time, it was Tris who chewed her lip as she debated taking the time to help him. She wasn't in a particular hurry, but she wasn't normally fond of assisting clueless shoppers, either, particularly since this superstore always seemed to be full of them. Finally, though, she extended her hand for his list, sighing. "What did she write, exactly?"

He couldn't hand her the list fast enough. "It just says 'maxi-pads,' and I thought, 'how hard could that be?'" He gestured toward the plethora of choices littering the shelves. "I didn't think it would be a lifetime study."

Tris chuckled, checking his list for herself and confirming that his sister had in fact left him with no usable guidance. "Your best bet is to call her," she prompted, but his shake of the head stopped her.

"I already tried. No answer." He lifted a broad shoulder. "She had a long flight in, so she's probably still asleep."

Tris nodded, beginning to feel a little sympathy for this guy. He was clearly trying. "Okay, then how old is she?"

"Eighteen. Almost nineteen." He added the last part as if it might make a difference, and Tris tried to hide her amusement. The man looked to be in his mid-twenties – certainly old enough to have dated plenty, particularly given how attractive he was, but clearly he knew nothing about this subject.

"Is she tall? Like you?"

"Umm…." He looked Tris up and down for a second. "Well, not like me, no, but definitely taller than you." Another touch of red rose up his cheeks, reanimating the effect that had been slowly dying. "Not that you're short or anything. I mean, you're a perfectly fine size…."

He looked away, and Tris released another chuckle. "I know I'm short. Don't worry about it. I only need to know because height and weight can affect which product to use."

"Oh." He glanced at the shelves again, seeming to relax slightly at the idea that there was a method behind the choices. "She's about five-nine. I don't know how much she weighs, but she seems pretty normal. Not really thin but not fat, either."

"And you don't know how heavy her flow is?"

"God, no."

Tris laughed. "Well, then my suggestion would be to get a few types. You can return the ones she doesn't want." She stepped closer, picking out regular, long, and overnight versions of her own brand. He took them from her sheepishly, dropping them into his cart as if they burned his fingers.

"Thank you," he told her earnestly.

"No problem." She extended his list back to him, her eyes moving down it automatically, but she stopped when she saw some of the other items on it. "Uh, have you actually read this?"

"I tried." He met her gaze, the side of his mouth quirking a bit. "But honestly, I don't even know what some of those things are."

Tris nodded slowly, looking between him, the paper, and the aisle. "Tell you what," she eventually said, "I have a little time if you'd like some help."

She had rarely seen such gratitude on a face before.

"This is certainly an unusual set of items," Tris commented tentatively as they added hemorrhoid cream to the cart. Between that and the athlete's foot spray, the Monistat suppositories, the Gas-X, and the douche, she had to wonder how any one person could need all of these products at once.

Tobias, as she had learned his name was, turned an apologetic look on her. "I think it's mostly preventative. Margaret is only staying with me for a week before she moves into her dorm room."

"Ah. That makes more sense." But Tris couldn't shake her doubt the longer they shopped. She knew what it was like to be a starving college student trying to stock up for the year, but she couldn't imagine asking her own brother to pick up most of this stuff for her.

"Do you think maybe she intended to go shopping with you?" she asked, frowning at the line of products they were now facing. "Women typically like to pick out their own shade of hair dye, among other things."

"I thought I was clear…." Tobias scratched the back of his neck uncertainly. "I told her I was going shopping in the morning and that if she wanted me to get anything for her, she could add it to the list." Returning his gaze to the range of color choices that apparently all counted as "red hair dye," he added, "But maybe she misunderstood."

Tris nodded slowly, her lips pursed thoughtfully as she considered the sheer number of embarrassing items already in the cart, plus the ones still left to buy. "Have you considered the possibility that she's messing with you? That this is all a joke to see how much you'll actually get?"

Images floated through Tobias' mind of the many pranks his best friend, Zeke, had pulled over the years. "There is certainly that possibility," he admitted dryly. "But it's hard to be sure."

"And you want to be a good big brother and make sure she's ready for college…."

"Yeah."

Again, Tris nodded, the start of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Maybe there's a way to cover both possibilities."

Tobias met her eyes for a second before letting his own grin slip through. "I'm listening."

They kept the green hair dye, the Goth make-up, and the extra-large container of super acne cream separate from the other items, so Tobias could place them into their own bag at check-out. He'd keep them hidden and would swap them out for their normal equivalents if he decided that Margaret was, in fact, pulling his leg – something that was looking increasingly likely.

"Are you sure the dye will wear off in a few days?" he asked, a touch of guilt mixing in with the surprising level of enthusiasm he felt. "I wouldn't want her to start college with green hair."

"Oh, it wouldn't be so bad." Tris smirked. "She'd certainly be noticed."

Tobias laughed. "And first impressions are so important."

"Of course." Neither commented on the bizarre nature of their own first impressions from this day – or on how much Tobias had learned that he fervently wished he could unlearn. Such as the real meaning of a douche, beyond a term for a dirt-bag human being….

At least there was a bright side to it all: he was definitely enjoying Tris' company, no matter how painful the shopping itself actually was.

"Too bad they don't have any glow-in-the-dark ones," Tris said as she cocked her head at the display of condoms. "That would be a lot more fun than the rest of these."

A chuckle rumbled through Tobias' chest. "I'd be game for that. Scare off any boyfriends who get too close."

Tris turned toward him, smirking a bit but also raising a challenging eyebrow. "Oh, you're one of those, are you?" At his questioning look, she added, "A guy who thinks that it's fine for men to have sex as often as they want, but that women should be pure and abstain?"

"No," he protested, even though there was perhaps a little truth to that, at least when it came to his baby sister. "I just don't necessarily want to pay for it."

Total silence fell before he realized what that sounded like. "I mean, for the condoms," he amended quickly, a fierce red starting up his face. "Not for sex. I don't pay for that. I just don't want to pay for condoms." He paused, his expression changing as it occurred to him that wasn't much better. "For other people, that is. I don't have a problem buying them for myself, when I need them. Which I don't right now, since I don't have a girlfriend."

He wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing when Tris started laughing, cutting off his verbal diarrhea. At least it kept him from digging the hole any deeper, even if it was almost as mortifying to watch her lean against the shelf, trying to control her reaction.

"I'm starting to understand why your sister made this list," she finally gasped, forcing herself upright again. There was something irresistible about discombobulating a big, strong, serious-looking man. "But even if parts of it are clearly a joke, we should really get her some condoms. Safe sex is always the better choice."

"Yeah." He was stiff now, standing beside her and focusing on the shelf as he collected himself. After a moment, they both reached out simultaneously, selecting different types.

"You realize those are like wearing a raincoat," he objected, frowning at the ribbed style she was holding.

"Not for the woman," she responded, her brow furrowing at the "barely there" box he had in his hand. "The extra stimulation is good, particularly if he's…." She paused, clearing her throat slightly. "…girth challenged."

"Girth challenged?" Tobias stared at her, his eyebrows arched and his lips twitching as he tried to suppress his amusement. "Seriously. Are you – a woman – admitting that size makes a difference?"

This time, Tobias was the one watching while Tris' skin slowly turned a flaming shade of scarlet. "No," she tried, looking anywhere but at him. "Not really." Her voice dropped to a mumble. "I mean, not length necessarily." She held her fingers in a circle, moving them slowly apart. "Just width."

"Uh huh." He watched her a little longer, thoroughly enjoying her discomfiture – and beginning to understand why she had liked his a few minutes ago. "So, basically, the choice comes down to what my sister would prefer versus her hypothetical future boyfriend, given she's just starting college and hasn't met anyone yet, so we certainly don't know his…girth?"

"Um, yeah."

Tobias grinned as he reached out, taking the box from Tris and dropping it into the cart. But he added his own selection, too. "I don't have that particular challenge," he murmured with a smirk as he passed behind her, heading for the hair care products.

By the time they reached the produce section – the last part of the list – Tobias had firmly decided to use the self-checkout lane when he was finally done. Between Margaret's items and the ones he had gotten to prank her in return, there was no way he wanted to face a cashier with all of this.

"Do you like apples, too," Tris asked him, pausing in front of the Yellow Delicious apples from the list, "or do you just want to get them for Margaret?"

Tobias mulled that as he added two figs to the cart before evaluating the paper yet again. Even within the fruits and vegetables department, Margaret had listed some things that weren't familiar. "A half-dozen would be fine," he answered, puzzling over the next item. "What the heck is an ackee?"

Tris shrugged, at a loss for the first time in identifying Margaret's unusual requests. "I could Google it if you want."

"Okay, sure." He took out his own phone as he said it. "If you get that one, I'll look up rambutan."

"Ram-butt-in?" Tris snorted. "That sounds like a butt plug or something."

Tobias tried to suppress his snicker, his shoulders shaking as he typed. "I'm not even going to touch that one, Tris."

"I wouldn't either," she muttered, peeking at the list again to check the spelling of "ackee" so she could enter it correctly. "And I certainly wouldn't eat it."

"It's a red, fuzzy thing," Tobias revealed, holding his phone toward her, "with little, white balls inside."

"Balls, huh?" Tris bit the inside of her cheek again, unable to form any more words as she held up her own phone next to his, showing the image that she'd found for ackee. Long, black-tipped seeds protruded from the pod in a highly suggestive manner, and paired with the rambutan, the collective picture certainly didn't resemble produce.

"Yeah, we're not even looking for those," Tobias managed to say through the laughter that was threatening to choke him. He was so going to kill his sister.

"Pretty sure this is the wrong store for that kind of thing," Tris agreed, biting back her own amusement. "Maybe Porn City…."

For a single moment, their gazes met, and then they were both laughing full-force, leaning against the cart and the bins and each other as the effects of the last hour hit them both at once.

"Did she spend the whole flight planning this list?" Tris squeaked out, gasping for air.

"I have no idea. But her hair is definitely going green."

"So, so green." Tris tried to rein in her mirth, her eyes sparkling. "You know you have to send me a photo of her afterwards, right?"

"That seems entirely fair." But the statement subdued his own laughter – as he realized that Margaret's antics had caused him to meet this intriguing individual. "I really do want to thank you, by the way. I don't know how much of this stuff my sister actually needs, if any, but I couldn't possibly have gotten it without you. And I certainly appreciate the help in getting her back."

Tris evaluated him for a moment, her lips still twitching. "Well, it was the most embarrassing, awkward shopping trip of my life, but it was also kind of fun."

"It was." For another few seconds, their gazes held, before he cleared his throat, glancing back at the list. "Just one item left, if you're willing to help."

"Of course."

Smiling slyly, he extended the paper toward her, letting her take it so she could see for herself.

Her eyebrows arched up when she read it, and she looked at him, considering, before nodding. Pulling a pen from her purse, she tugged the cap off with her teeth and proceeded to write something down.

"Anytime on Saturday would work for me," she told him as she handed the sheet back, the corners of her mouth twitching again. "Or most evenings after six o'clock."

Her smile grew, and Tobias' did, too, when his eyes found the item he had added to the list, right at the end of the produce section, below "2 figs" and "1 rambutan" – "1 date." And next to that was Tris' phone number in small, neat print.

His eyes holding hers again, joy infusing the deep blue, he murmured, "I guess this store really does have everything."

A/N: I'm marking this story as complete for now, but there's a chance that I'll add more chapters at some point in the future. In the meantime, please take a moment to leave a review. And thanks for reading!