(1) My brother

My brother is a cool guy. Even though he's practically a devil, he's cool.

His skin is flawless. Pure white. Smooth. Unlike mine, dotted with freckles. His hair is light blond, with more shades than my silvery head. His eyes reflect the depth of the ocean. Azure. Mysterious. He doesn't speak much. When he does, his words are spikes.

When we were kids, he would tell me all kinds of tales. He read a lot. The books he picked were always thick and dully printed. Some were ancient with scribbles and unrecognisable symbols. He stole them from a prohibited room in the local library. He said he could see stuff. Stuff normal people couldn't see. He could light a candle without using fire. He could switch on the TV without touching the remote. He could make my stuffed puffin talk just by mumbling a couple of unintelligible words. He knew spells, magic, things like that.

He went to school like the others. When everyone else was fooling around in the playground, he locked himself in a private room and read. Read. And read. He would chase away my bullies by setting their books on fire, or by delivering them an invisible punch. My brother is amazing.

He is also cruel. Downright cruel in others' eyes.

Our parents never paid much attention to us. They were out most of the time. So there were only me and Lukas. I followed him around. He let me stay beside him as he taught himself more of those peculiar tricks.

He didn't have many friends. But he had many lovers. Boys and girls alike. They fawned over him because he looked beautiful. Like a living angel.

He treated them like dolls and trinkets. Somewhat like his magic books. Once he mastered the spells, he discarded them. He was also not good at handling properties. Every book he had read had at least one page torn or ripped out or burnt. Same happened to his lovers. They never got away in one piece. Lukas' definition of love is selfless devotion and absolute loyalty. Only Mathias lasted enough years to actually melt his frozen heart.

Mathias has spiky blond hair. Drooping blue eyes. He is tall and talkative. He can never shut up for one damn second. He went after Lukas when they were sixteen. He didn't realise then, that Lukas was into some weird fetish. Most lovers would run away when Lukas brought them into his room. Mathias didn't. He stayed and complied with my brother's games. Caged bird.

Bruises started appearing about a week after they went out. I was often home, curling up in a blanket playing video games. I could hear their moans in the next room. Lukas never let me enter his zone. He hid a lot of tools and toys in there. Whenever I passed around and peeked in through the narrow crack of the door, I saw nothing but darkness.

Mathias came out alive, of course. I expected him to be missing a limb or a fingernail. Just kidding. He got bruises and bite marks. Purple dots on his neck. Pink blotches. Very light gashes sometimes. Nonetheless, he could limp out of Lukas' room with a faint smile. He never croaked about the pain or the wounds scattering on his gorgeous body. He said those were the marks of love. Every plain sheet needed a drop of colour or two to make it prettier.

I saw the chains one day. Lukas didn't know I would be home early. He was holding a set of metals in his hands and juggling the keys.

"What're they?"

He spun around and stared at me, his eyes cold and unblinking.

"Emil, if you find something really precious and beautiful, would you want to share it?"

"No," I shook my head.

"What will you do then?"

"I'll keep it to myself," I said.

"Correct," Lukas smirked.

He clutched the chains and strutted back into his room. I asked no more.

Mathias dropped by that night. His groans filled the house. He only left Lukas' room a few days later.

He wore that triumphing smile on his bruised face. He looked more rejuvenated than ever. I offered him a slice of toast. He chuckled, patted my head and went for school.

It went on for several years. No one had stayed beside Lukas for more than a month, but Mathias did. They made it to the same university.

One night, they had an argument. I knew that because they weren't having sex anymore. Mathias cried. Lukas tossed things at him. There were loud bangs on the wall. I plucked out my headphones and listened. The crying ebbed away. I heard a thud. Mathias stormed out of the room with a tear-drenched face. I stood at the door and watched. Lukas didn't chase after him. Mathias didn't come back.

After Mathias disappeared, Lukas sobbed for nights. I had never seen him shed a tear before. I remembered knocking on his door holding a cup of hot cocoa at night, putting a tray of breakfast outside his room in the morning and running the errands for him. He went back to normal a week later.

(2) That Asian boy

Lukas met him in a bar. He went out drinking with his two classmates. Vladimir came from Romania. He was an eccentric guy who wore fangs and a small hat. He could predict stuff with his tarot cards. Arthur was a British. He couldn't cook to save his life. He lived with fairies and bunnies. They ran a creepy club together. Sometimes, they would set a magic circle in the backyard and wore cloaks that covered them from head to toe. I never interfered with their gatherings.

Lukas brought home a boy that night. He was an Asian, one of Arthur's friends. He looked familiar. I had seen him somewhere. In the café or the next block. He had choppy brown hair and dark eyes. His bangs covered his forehead. He wore a crimson jacket, a white dress shirt underneath and a pair of frayed jeans. Lukas led him in through the door. He took off his white boots.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," he said.

"This is Leon," Lukas said.

"I'm Emil."

"He'll be living with us for a while."

I frowned. Leon smiled and held out his hand. I didn't take it. I kept staring at those innocent orbs. I wondered if he knew what he was getting himself into.

Lukas kicked off his shoes and beckoned to Leon. The boy jammed his hands into his pockets and walked after my brother. Upstairs. Into his room.

They didn't make any noise that night.

But the boy did come out with bruises and hickeys all over his neck.

He moved in a day later. Lukas was having classes. I helped him clean and dust the guest room. He only had with him a few sets of clothes, a laptop and some books.

"So, are you, like, Lukas' brother?" His voice was soft. He was trying hard to initiate a conversation. I went over to check the drawers to make sure they were free of bugs and drew the curtains.

"He didn't tell you?" I turned. He scratched his head awkwardly. Our eyes met. His skin was slightly tanned, but smooth. He was shorter than Lukas and looked like fifteen.

"How old are you?" I asked.

He was a freshman. He went to a different university in the same area and was Arthur's childhood friend. He stumbled upon Lukas that night in the bar. They drank, chatted and kissed. Simple as that.

"Are you guys dating?" I asked. We sat opposite each other in the kitchen. He could actually brew some good tea.

He shrugged.

"So, you're like my brother's sex partner?"

"He's suave."

He spoke like a valley girl. With a bit of Cantonese accent. He was a runaway kid. He said his family was too controlling. Dysfunctional. They were driving him mad. He needed a place for shelter. Lukas struck a deal with him.

"Fair enough," I said. "If you're worried about getting along with me, I can guarantee you, my brother is the one harder to get along with."

I didn't know why I said that. I had never bad-mouthed Lukas once. I probably just wanted to warn Leon. He had no idea what kind of shit he was stepping into.

"He's, like, so sophisticated," he said and titled his head. "I've never met someone like him."

"Everyone says that about Lukas," I said. "They only know the obvious, never bother to dig deeper. I hope you won't regret this."

He smiled. I stood up and strode out of the kitchen.

oOo

Leon did the chores in the house. He was good at cooking, cleaning and fixing stuff. Sometimes, I offered to help. He would decline first. He thought doing this could impress Lukas. How foolish. Yet adorable. Lukas was using him. He knew that well, but he still believed it was worth trying.

He had guts like Mathias.

But he could never be Mathias. He wasn't supposed to be tainted this way. I grew tired of the moans at night.

And then, I decided that I wanted him to leave.

I stopped helping him with the errands. I snubbed him. When he tried to stir up a conversation, I turned away. I pretended that I didn't hear his knocks. I complained about his cooking. I dropped his laptop on purpose just to see him blanch as he lost every data and documents he had painstakingly worked on. He never got angry with me though. Strange. It got on my nerves.

I watched Lukas drag him into his room at night. I heard the door lock. The faint noises. He never moaned like Mathias. He kept his voice down because he knew I was in the next room. Lukas would mistake him for Mathias sometimes. When he was high in his game, he would groan his previous lover's name.

Leon never said anything.

He hid the bruises with his collar. I walked into him changing clothes once. He blushed and apologised repeatedly. I said I should be the one at fault. We started conversing again.

I patched him up sometimes, when Lukas went overboard. He whipped and shackled him. He yanked his hair and slapped his back.

"Are you into that sort of things too?" I asked.

"Not really." He shook his head. He lay on the sofa languidly with a leg dangling. The shirt hung loosely showing parts of his shoulders. The blemished blades were visible. If only I could scrub Lukas' traces off him…

"Then why." I frowned. "Why would you allow my brother to do that to you?"

"Because we both need it." He lifted his head and gazed at me. I wished I hadn't blushed. "Do you, like, feel disgusted?"

"No," I said. "You're not the first one my brother's dated."

"We're not dating." He smirked. "We're, like, nursing each other's heart."

He said he was in love with a boy, but he didn't reciprocate his feelings.

"He doesn't look like he's interested in me." Leon chuckled. "It's hard to catch him. But, I'll, like, keep trying."

"Would he want to see you like this?"

"I don't know." He shrugged and stood up. He walked over to me. I stumbled back, my cheeks burning. "What do you think?"

"You know what." I gritted my teeth and glared at him. "You should leave."

He looked flabbergasted. He blinked and cocked his eyebrows.

"Do you, like, really hate me that much?"

"Yes," I said, "right from the moment you walked in. You're a nuisance."

That was a lie. The first lie I had ever said in my whole life.

"I see." He nodded. "I'm, like, so sorry you feel that way."

We didn't talk afterwards.

I wrapped myself in blankets and covered my ears that night.

I skipped his breakfast.

(3) Toy

Mathias came back. He pinned Lukas to the wall and kissed him. Fierce. Just the way their love burnt.

He said he would never leave in the future, no matter how much Lukas broke him. He would pick up the pieces and glue them back together. He could never be driven away.

Lukas kicked Leon out the moment he reunited with Mathias. The boy remained fairly composed.

"Go." Lukas' voice was low and demanding. "I don't need you anymore."

"That's, like, okay." Leon nodded. He plodded upstairs and went back into his room. He packed his stuff.

I stood at the door, not sure why I was there in the first place. We hadn't talked for weeks. His bag was on the bed. He was bending down, folding clothes and putting them in. His back looked smaller than usual. When I caught his shadow, my eyes stung.

He looked so lonely. So lost. So broken.

Just like how I had predicted. Nothing was fine. Nothing was okay. He shouldn't be sobbing and shivering. And I shouldn't be standing there watching him.

He turned and stiffened. He didn't know I was there, silently glancing at him. I had always been there. I had seen people come and go, fall into Lukas' trap and crawl back out. I had seen Mathias leave and return. But this guy…why did it hurt so much to see him cry? Why did it irritate me to no end to see Lukas touch him?

Damn it.

He zipped his bag and slung it over his shoulder.

"Wait," I hissed and stomped towards him. I shoved him down. He sat on the bed with a blank look. I climbed onto his lap and straddled him. Our lips smashed against each other.

His lips tasted like honey. Sweet. Soft. Warm. I wondered if Lukas had ever noticed that when he kissed him. He probably wouldn't care. I do care.

His eyes were chocolate brown. So dark. So penetrating. I saw my own reflection in them.

Right. They only needed to reflect me. No one else.

We gasped for air. He blinked at me, his chest rising up and down rapidly.

"I warned you, didn't I?" I said, running my fingers through his dark locks. Soft. Like black feathers. Meant to be caressed and cherished. Lukas had no right to pull them.

"Why are you still crying if you've seen it coming?" I growled.

"You're, like, so cruel, Emil." He smiled.

I shuddered as he said my name.

"I've, like, always been watching you. Across the street. On campus. Everywhere. But you only see Lukas in your eyes. You let no one in. You've, like, never noticed me once."

There were tears in his eyes.

So I was the one he had always loved.

I was the cruel one. Not Lukas.

"I'm crying not because I don't want to leave Lukas," he said. "But because I, like, don't wanna leave you."

"Are you an idiot?" I yelped. "Must you get into all this trouble just to be with me?"

"Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for love." He giggled, rubbing his thumbs against my cheeks. "Can you, like, tell me why you're crying though?"

"S-Shut up!" I slapped his shoulder lightly and kissed him again.

oOo

When we were small, Lukas always broke his toys. Either deliberately or inadvertently. I would pick them up and mend them. Because they looked so lonely in the bin. I put them all on my shelves, my desk, my bed. The more often I did so, the more I found these toys beautiful.

For only true beauty lives out of ugliness.

Lukas never let me touch his stuff.

But I had my way to get through.

"What's the meaning of this?" Lukas raised one of his eyebrows and folded his arms.

Leon stood next to me. I clasped his hand tightly.

"He's not leaving this house."

Lukas stared at me in amusement.

"And whose decision is that?"

"Mine," I said, squeezing Leon's hand and pulling him closer to me.

"You've never talked to me this way." Lukas smirked.

"That's why I'm going to make this clear between us." I squinted at my brother. "He'll be staying in my room. He's now my boyfriend, Lukas. Don't even dare touch him."

"Very well, little brother." Lukas laughed and patted my back. He didn't say a thing afterwards.

He could never kick Leon out.

Because I would be the one keeping him. He's my boy. My toy. My little doll.

And much like Lukas, I don't share.