A.N.: I was driving and singing along to the song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie when suddenly this idea came knocking. It's just some babbles. The lyrics are in italic bold. This one's an AU.

Special thanks to ms. margie for being a wonderful Beta.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and the song.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

"So, Ga Eul-yang, this is goodbye then, for now. I'll drop a message when I arrive. Don't miss me too much."

The wind was a little strong this afternoon, so I tucked some loose strands of mane behind my right ear. I could see that he was controlling himself from dragging me back into the apartment. He would always get crazy from that simple act. It brought out the primal urge in him.

So Yi Jeong embraced me tight and a searing passionate kiss followed, making me weak in the knees, as always. He then let me go. It was time for him to leave. He was flying back to Sweden in six hours. I instantly groaned inwardly for the loss of his warm touch.

With sad eyes, I watched him get into the small space of his Orange sports car that I, in very few occurrences, had shared. I remembered some occasions well; short trip to his workshop after he dragged me out of the porridge shop just to make sure that I warned Jan Di about Jun Pyo Sunbae, to the airport after he lied saying that Jan Di had an accident, the day when he helped avenged that jerk Goo Soo Pyo, and the I-love-that-fake-yet-felt-so-real date. Oh! How I loved that car. Its small space guaranteed attacks of his musky cologne on my olfactory buds – it was dangerously enticing.

It was always like this. It has been two years now. Every holiday he would come back to Korea. "I miss my F3 brothers, and most importantly, I miss you. I want you." That was always his reason when I asked him why. Oh! The things his answer did to me. What simple girl would not be ecstatic to hear such declaration from Korea's infamous Casanova? What common girl would not soar high to the highest cloud to receive such attention from Korea's notorious playboy? I was definitely the luckiest girl alive.

He sometimes pretended to sulk when I asked him that question. He accused that I did not welcome his company. Hey, don't get me wrong. I loved that he thought of me, that he wanted to be with me, but I also thought that he should go and explore the world with his abundance supply of money, and see the many artworks all around the world. It might help inspire him more with his already amazing craft.

Heaps of gifts from Sweden were norms. "To my one and only lovely Chu Ga Eul." My eyes would widen at the excitement upon seeing the beautifully wrapped boxes with cute ribbons. My heart thumping hard in joy upon hearing his words.

During the first two times he brought along the gifts, I politely declined. I did not want him to think that I was a gold digger and that I was only after his money and wealth. No, Sir. Thank you. Though a poor commoner that I was, I still had my pride and dignity. I was still healthy and sane to work for my own money. I did not need his money. I loved being with him for who he truly was. Whenever he was with me, he was kind and caring. However, So Yi Jeong insisted that I could always look at the gifts whenever I miss him. Hence, I reluctantly accepted his presents. But that was then. Now, I eagerly awaited and anticipated on what his next gifts would be. He had surely spoiled me too much.

How did I show my appreciations for his generosity and affection? Nights of hot passionate love, pleasures, and ecstasy.

It shocked the hell out of me the first time he asked for it. What did he take me for? As his mistress? Was my virginity some expensive gifts? I slapped him hard that first time. How could he? But he was one damned persistent and charming man. Oh, a hard to resist man at that too. So the weak side of me melted and took over. That night So Yi Jeong gave me the best night of my life, pleasures that I had never felt before. No words could ever describe it. It was heavenly.

He too, promised that he will take responsibility should 'something' happened as a result of it. Luckily, nothing happened. Or was it unluckily? I would love to have his child and tie him to me, but the other logical me protested. I was still in university. A pregnant Chu Ga Eul would create a whole new set of problems, especially with my parents. To top it off, if the news about So Yi Jeong being the father leaked out to the public. Oh no! I could not imagine what the public, who believed that they owned So Yi Jeong, would do to me. So I told myself, "Yes, luckily nothing happened."

Since those magical moments, So Yi Jeong would always get what he wanted as I was also willing and happy to oblige and surrender.

Some nights, he was gentle and treated me like I was a delicate precious porcelain doll. His kisses, caresses, and touch were soft and tender as he took me to heaven. Some nights though, he was wild and rough, as if punishing me for I did not know what and why. But afterward, he would embrace me tight and apologized for hurting me. Whichever way that he was, I wholeheartedly gave myself to him. No! I was returning his love, so I told myself. I loved him and I believed that he loved me too.

Unfortunately, my one and only best friend since kindergarten did not approve of my relationship with So Yi Jeong. She made it her lifetime quest and mission to break us up. To be precise, she wanted me to break up with the man whom I loved. How could she? Was a best friend not supposed to be happy to see her best friend happy? Was she not my best friend?

Every time I asked Jan Di about it, she would say that she was doing a colossal favor by helping me to stop torturing myself. She said that I was being a masochist. What? Masochist? She did not understand why I, over and over and over, willingly let my heart be played and hurt by the man with the name of So Yi Jeong. I told her that that was an absurd thing to say about me, and I definitely did not condone her of accusing Yi Jeong of such.

Why couldn't Jan Di just see that Yi Jeong loved me? Was she not in love too? Had she not experience the high and pleasure of love? Could she not tell the signs of love from him to me? To my defense, what was wrong with being with the one whom I love?

Even if it came with a whole series of heartaches and heartbreaks?

Today, as I watched So Yi Jeong, the love of my life, drove his loyal Lotus away, a pang of pain shot through my heart. What on earth was this? Was it a heart attack? No. No. No. No. I was still too young for it and healthy at that. I stayed away from alcohol and unhealthy food. I exercised religiously. It could not be a heart attack. It couldn't be.

So what was it, this pain? I dropped to the floor, a hand clenched over my heart, unable to hold the pain. At that very moment, flashes of Yi Jeong's countless photos with those women came to me and played like a movie in my head. My heart ached again. This time it was much stronger. This pain, was it because of those pictures? Or was it because of him? It was so hard to admit, but the pain was a revelation that stung like a bee and pricked like a thorn.

"Chu Ga Eul. Who are you kidding? What were you thinking? For how long are you going to put on blind eyes and deaf ears, and act like they did not happen?" These sentences played repeatedly in my mind.

I was a fool. A definite royal fool.

So Yi Jeong did not love me. He was still the same infamous Casanova, a notorious playboy. For him, I was just a friend turned playmate who happened to be his favorite.

Jan Di was right. I was a masochist.

Flashback

It was no secret that he still led his hedonistic life there in Sweden and here in Korea. The pictures of him partying around with various women of all shades of hair and perfect types of body graced the tabloids there and here. He had made his name well known in Sweden. His already huge reputation magnified.

I first knew about his Swedish 'fun' when photos of him with a leggy sexy blonde, dancing with their bodies flushed together and kissing on the dance floor managed their ways into the tabloids in Korea. Yay for modern technology. *roll eyes*

It hurt so, so much. I knew that I should not feel this way. He and I, we were not officially an item when he left for Sweden. Heck, we were not an item, to begin with. He did not promise more. Just a "When I come back, you'll be the first one that I seek for. That is if you have not found your soul mate," or something like that. Even that did not mean that he wanted to be my boyfriend. So why did I think that there was hope behind those words? Why did I believe his words? He was a playboy, for goodness sake, Chu Ga Eul. Hot nightclubs and bars were his staples. What stupid foolish naive me.

I must forget him. I must forget him. I must forget him. I must get him out of my system.

Then, he came back for Christmas and New Year holidays three months after. Yes, I was the first person that he came to see, so he said. I was so surprised but very happy. His visit awoke my belief that he did feel something for me. But I was dead wrong. He was just fulfilling a promise. That night, he and Woo Bin Sunbae went to their usual night club and did what they were best known for. How did I know? Thanks to the generous tabloids that fed on news of the F4. The next morning I tore the papers to pieces when the first thing my eyes caught hold of were his pictures. What a way to start the day. My mood was ruined. I needed to screw tight a fact into my head: So Yi Jeong will never change. So Yi Jeong was not capable of change.

We did not see each other since that day. My hand itched to call him but my hurt and resentful heart protested. Wait. Why were you hurt and resentful Ga Eul? He was not your boyfriend. Please get that crystal clear in your mind. So I pretended that I was not bothered by it.

Still no sign of him. No messages and calls from him for a couple more days until one night he came to my place before dinner. I lived alone in a small one bedroom apartment near my college. My parents wanted me to stay with them but I reasoned that I wanted to save some traveling money.

I guessed Yi Jeong either got my address from Jan Di or Woo Bin Sunbae. My bet was on Woo Bin Sunbae since Jan Di was not so much of a fan of Yi Jeong and Woo Bin Sunbae was good in these kinds of information mining. I was very surprised. What was he doing here? Did he not have willing girls waiting for him somewhere?

"What are you doing here Sunbae?" I spoke after my voice came back. It fled me out of surprise when I saw him at my door. I tried to show that I was unaffected by his sudden visit.

"To see my favorite girl, silly." He handed a bouquet of flowers and two small gorgeously wrapped boxes. "Merry Christmas. It's not too late right?"

Favorite? I'm his favorite girl? What? Is this for real?

Real or not, my hurting heart from the tabloids healed and forgotten when I saw his handsome face right there in front of me as he flashed his pearly white gorgeous grin.

He demanded that I cook him dinner. He said that he missed Korean food and wanted to taste my cooking. He heard from Jan Di that I was a good cook. Since when did he and Jan Di become goody, goody buddies to talk about me? Dinner was simple due to my insufficient fund to stock up the pantry with so much food. He said dinner was delicious. I doubted that. How could he compare his usual fine dining with my poor commoner dinner? He was definitely acting nice.

Tea and cookies followed while we engaged in random talks on my small couch in the middle of the apartment. I still did not know his real reason for coming here. I too did not ask him about his flings and 'activities' in Sweden. It was not my business though I was dying to know more and put my heart to rest.

The talks turned to teases then to flirts. He got bolder and started to close our gap and caressed my hands. My heart thundered wildly at the feel of his warm hands. I did not know what knocked that brain of his, but he stunned me when he asked what his pay was going to be since he brought me flowers and gifts. My jaw dropped, but I quickly acted cool and jokingly asked him, "What would you like, Sunbae?" His eyes bore mine and he became serious. He leaned closer, his face mere inches from mine.

"You. I want you tonight, Chu Ga Eul. Sleep with me." His voice was husky and low.

Automatically my palm met his cheeks, hard, that it stung from the slap. What in the world? What did he just say? Who was this person? This was not my Yi Jeong Sunbae. He would not have the nerve to ask ME that. This was me, a nice innocent girl. How could he even think about it? Did he forget that to him we were just friends?

I wanted to slap him again, but he caught my wrist before I could. He said that he knew about my feelings for him. I froze at his words, instantly. He knew? How? I felt blood rushed to my cheeks. He continued to say that he liked me too, and had always wondered how it would feel like to kiss me and have me in his arms.

My head ached; my heart ran a 100 km/hour and my jaw dropped. I angrily refused and asked him to leave. My heart and mind could not compute that this man in front of me had bluntly asked me to give myself to him. Who did he think I was? Did he not know the kind of person whom I was? I wanted to strangle this crazy rude pervert man. Urgghhhh!

Did I mention that it was New Year's Eve that night? Yes. New Year's Eve. Why was I alone on New Year's Eve? My parents had to go back to my father's hometown. Grandfather was sick. I could not follow since I still had a volunteer work until yesterday. Jan Di and her family went on a holiday with Jun Pyo. As for the potter, I did not understand why he did not spend this night with Woo Bin Sunbae and Ji Hoo Sunbae. I thought that it was their annual routine? Apparently not. Not this year. Not tonight.

He did not give up and turned on his charm. Yi Jeong continued with his coaxing, saying how New Year should be spent in a special way with the people whom we care and love as a sign of starting the new year with good, positive, happy moments. What better way to start the New Year with love? Most importantly, as he stressed out, he liked me, a lot. "Don't you love me, Ga Eul-yang?" he asked while fixing his enchanting gaze on me.

He said more but his voice began to faint away as he started to kiss my hands. His lips inched upward to my forearms, shoulders, neck and finally, my lips. I did my best to resist but the sensation from his kisses was mind-blowing and I was too weak. Weak in the heart.

At last, I lost myself in his arms and kissed him and more. I had broken my vow to save myself for my lawfully wedded husband. What had I become? A touch from the Casanova and I melted and surrendered. Jan Di and my parents would kill me if they knew. Yet I did not regret it. Not at all.

What a great way to greet the morning light of a new year, in the arms of the man whom I loved. Before, this was only in my dreams and imagination. But this? It was real. I was in my bed, cuddling with So Yi Jeong and legs intertwined under the soft blanket. So Yi Jeong, the man lusted by the many women and envied by the many men of Korea and Sweden. I was indeed the luckiest girl on earth. I was in heaven.

He fluttered opened his eyes not long after. Upon seeing that I was watching and admiring his handsome face, he rewarded me his heart melting smile, a wink and a "Good morning beautiful". God! What sexy morning voice. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and softly caressed my cheek with his knuckle. It stopped under my chin and he tilted up my face a little. His lips immediately captured mine and devoured them hungrily, as he hovered and covered my body with his. Breakfast was going to have to wait.

At noon, he left with a promise to come and see me before his flight back to Sweden tomorrow evening. I nodded and said, "Bye, I'll be here." Once I closed the door, I could not stop smiling and grinning. I was on cloud nine. So Yi Jeong and I, together at last, even if I had broken my sacred vow.

I waited and waited but he did not show up. No calls, no messages, none. I wanted to call him but that would make me look desperate and I did not want that. I told my sulking heart that he was busy and was not able to steal some time to contact me.

A week later, I was at a mall with Jan Di on our normal monthly outing.

We were chit-chatting away at one of the mall's cafes when I overheard a conversation behind me. It was not that I liked to eavesdrop or that I was a busybody, but their conversation caught my attention as the name So Yi Jeong was tossed between them. I tried to tune out Jan Di's voice and focused on the gossiping girls. What I heard crushed my heart. It was no wonder Yi Jeong did not keep his promise. He spent it with one of the girls. I hurtfully turned a little to catch this girl's face. I did not know which one was she but the two of them were supermodel beautiful and sexy. I held back my tears.

At home, I cried and cried. Stupid jerk, So Yi Jeong. No wonder he did not come or contact me. He found a new playmate. I hated myself the most though, for believing that he liked me like he said. I should have known better. This was So Yi Jeong the Casanova. He was never a one-woman man. Everybody in the whole of Korea knew that. I felt stupid for hoping that he would be mine and mine alone. That day, I made a resolution. I was going to forget everything about So Yi Jeong.

Two months had gone by. He must be really, really busy with his study. No news at all. I missed him a lot. I was too shy to ask Woo Bin Sunbae or Ji Hoo Sunbae about him. I figured that that New Year's Eve and New Year was our secret. That was why the F2 did not tell me anything about Yi Jeong. To their knowledge, I was nobody to him, just a friend. But not so close enough a friend to entitle regular updates on him.

It hurt so, so bad to be ignored after that wonderful night and morning.

Yes, I failed my resolution. I could not keep it for he was damned too hard to forget. I scolded myself repeatedly whenever scenes from our love moments flashed in front of my eyes and bombarded my mind. "Stop it Chu Ga Eul. It meant nothing to him." My logic mind kept reminding me. It was a constant battle between me and myself. I was getting crazy.

I was at home finishing up a report on child care when my doorbell rang. That's strange. Did Jan Di say that she was coming? I did not remember. Or maybe it's the landlady? But she prefers text messages as the mean of communication. I went to the door and opened it.

Oh my God!

There he was, with hands behind his back and wearing a wide smile. It was the man himself, the missing man himself. He looked as handsome and dashing as ever. My eyes widened and my knees weakened. Fortunately, I was holding the door to help me from falling.

He came to me and kissed me on the cheek that followed with a quick peck on the lips. Then he brought his hands to his front. There was a medium-sized teddy bear in them. "Hello, Ga Eul-yang. Miss me?" he asked while wiggling the teddy bear in front of my face. I was still speechless and stunned.

He took my hand and helped himself in. He closed the door, dragged me to the couch then dropped the teddy bear on the coffee table. Once seated he immediately kissed me fervently. His hands started to wander over my body. What the hell? I pushed him roughly and slapped his left cheek. He quickly held my wrists before I could hit him again. Déjà vu?

"Ga Eul-yang. That hurts. We need to stop this slap routine every time we meet." He said as he looked into my eyes. "Don't you miss me? I miss you. That's why I'm here."

I could not believe this super jerk. I struggled to release my hands from his, but his grips were too strong.

"How dare you? Who the hell do you think you are? What do you take me for? Your whore? Your mistress? You left without a word and ignored me for months. Now that you are here, you bring me a stupid teddy bear, kiss me and you think that you can simply get what you want and that I'll be easily willing to give in? Oh no, Mr. So Yi Jeong. I'm not that stupid. I am not your mistress. And don't think that I don't know that you screwed some whore before you left for Sweden that day."

I felt him stiffened at my outburst.

"Come to think of it, these two long months of silence, I wonder how many women that you've slept with. I'm very sure there are a lot. So don't expect me to easily accept you and do as you please. Now please get out of my house." My tears had betrayed me.

"I'm done waiting for you, So Yi Jeong."

I saw a smile crept up his face. Oh! My God. What did I just say? Stupid, stupid Chu Ga Eul.

He released my hands. Then he pulled me flushed and hugged me tightly. "So you do miss me. I'm sorry that I didn't contact you for so long. I was busy. Forgive me?"

I tried to push him away. Did he think that his lame busy excuse and apology could wipe away the hurt in my heart? He was wrong. He was so wrong.

No. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

He tightened his embrace and placed feathery kisses on my neck. My breath started to shorten, ragged and heavy. Instinctively my hands moved up and circled his neck. He continued to kiss my jaw and moved upwards. His hands roamed behind my back until one settled at the back of my neck, in my long hair. His lips finally found mine and I willingly parted my lips. We kissed like it was going to be the last day on earth and we were never ever going to see each other again. When we broke for a quick catch of air I realized that he had pinned me down to the couch, his body, hot against mine. I, once more, lost to So Yi Jeong, and the teddy bear became my witness, our witness.

Damned my deep strong stupid blind love for him.

For two years, it was the same routine. Every time.

He would be gone the next day then kept me waiting and wondering. Pictures of him with various women would surface in the tabloids, offline and online. I would cry and determine to forget him but not forgive. Then, he would come and find me after months of silence. I would become angry and threw him some harsh words, but in the end, I always succumbed to his words, kisses and touch. He would say that the women were nothing, just his companions at the clubs. I was the one whom he liked most.

The foolish Chu Ga Eul believed So Yi Jeong's every single word, every single time.

How could I not? He made me feel that I was special. He really did. From the way he touched me, kissed me, embraced me and many more, I felt loved. If he did not love me, would he come to me and be in my arms? Or so I told my mind and heart.

I once braved myself and asked him about his feelings, his true feelings for me. Wait. He did not really answer that question. He simply said "As long as I am with you, you should know how I feel for you." There was no direct "I love you Chu Ga Eul." Never. But hey, from his answer, would you not think that he loved me?

Yes he did, did he not?

End of flashback

I wiped my tears away and stood up. I had made up my mind.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

It was time to end this relationship, if ever it could be called one. It was time to stop hurting my own heart. It was time to start loving myself more. It was time to accept the harsh and cruel reality of a man called So Yi Jeong. I knew that it was going to be hard for I truly loved him with all my heart. But I had to do it.

For my sanity, clarity, peace and serenity.

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

I would be lying to deny the fact that I was not going to miss him. I have been in love with him for a thousand years. His gorgeous smiles, his deep dimples, his unique contagious laughs, his playful teases, his soft silky hair, his toned broad shoulders, his strong arms, his burning touch, his passionate kisses, his gentleness and more; I would be missing all of them, all of my So Yi Jeong.

Tears fell freely. No. Don't, Chu Ga Eul. It's over now. I should not waste any more tears on him. He did not deserve my tears. He was not worth the tears for he never cared about my feelings.

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

It might take months or years to heal this shattered heart, to put it together again, but I had to try. I owed it to my heart and self.

Please don't come and find me Yi Jeong. You will only break me more.

I realized now that soul mate was just a dream, an idea; for people whom would never find that right person for them to love and live happily ever after. There is no such thing as soul mates, Ga Eul. I knew that now, So Yi Jeong.

I had been living a fairy tale life. It is so very true; a fairy tale is a fairy tale. It is for fairies. I am not a fairy. I am a human, a woman.

It was time to wake up. It was time to grow up.

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend, and you'll be my Valentine
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers, and share our secret worlds

Dear So Yi Jeong,

Oh how I long to do so many things with you. I want to go everywhere with you, be it a lazy stroll in the park or on a beach, or a movie date or a hike up the hill or simply lie down on the ground and watch the beautiful clear sky and pretty clouds. I want to spend my every second next to you.

But you kept me hidden. You kept our relationship a secret from the world. Except for the F3 and Jan Di, and that too, was a year after. Jan Di would have given you her famous kick if I was a second late in throwing myself in front of you after you told them about us.

What baffled them was that you bluntly said that you were still and will still be living your free wild night life when Ji Hoo Sunbae asked. My heart crushed for the nth time upon hearing that. If that was the case, why tell them about us?

They too were stumped that I let and allowed you so. "What kind of relationship is this? Don't you have a say in this? Are you just going to let him play you? Leave you whenever he wants and take you whenever he sees and deems fit?" I could hear them asked just by looking at their expressions. They must thought that I was insane to submerge myself in such relationship. I looked away, ashamed.

Still, I would endure all the heartaches and heartbreaks for I loved you too much. If your best friends and my best friend did not approve of our relationship, I would rather have a secret affair with you.

However, Yi Jeong, that was then.

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late and dark outside
I need to be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

Don't cry Chu Ga Eul.

Lift your head up and straighten your back. It was time.

Good-bye my love.

Good-bye my So Yi Jeong.

-T. H. E. E. N.D.-