Note: I should never be close to computer or notebook and pen or phone or anything with which I could write.

"You okay?" Iwaizumi looked at his friend and classmate, who was lying on bed, pretending to be sleeping. "I know you are up." He added and sat on the chair right in time he opened his eyes.

"How long was I out?" Tōru's voice was unusually quiet and Iwaizumi could only guess he already knew about his condition.

"Few hours," He answered instead of changing the topic. "We won," he added, knowing this was the next question Tōru wanted to ask. "Coach said you will need to stay in hospital for few days, maybe a week." He didn't miss the way Tōru clenched his fist and asked: "When did you intend to tell us?"

Tōru continued to stare through the window before he turned to Iwaizumi, giving the smile he always had. "Tell you what? Tell you how much I love you?" he wiggled his eyebrows.

"You know what I mean." Iwaizumi growled. "Your knee…" he continued. "When did you intend to tell us about your knee's condition?" He stared right into his eyes and saw the way the rest of the light slowly left. "Did you even want to tell us about it?" he wanted to get answers, but Tōru remained quiet.

"Oikawa," He called when the brunet looked away.

"I want to be alone…" Tōru said quietly, not wanting to look at Iwaizumi.

"Oi—"

"Leave" He gripped on the sheets, gritting his teeth.

Iwaizumi let out a quiet sigh before he stood up and left the room, leaving Tōru alone. The last thing he wanted was to make Tōru angry, despite wanting to be by his side. He knew he wanted to be alone for a while, so he let him.

And as the days in hospital passed rather slowly, the days in school passed even slower. Despite being approached like he was before, anyone could see that the injury this time took more. The lunch breaks, Tōru spent alone, no one knowing where, but he always disappeared the moment the bell rang and came back right on time as well. No one could get closer to him anymore and neither could Iwaizumi, no matter how hard he tried. He also stopped going to volleyball practice, which was very unusual for someone who loved volleyball.

"Oikawa Tōru?" A female voice called out for the brunet.

Tōru raised his head and looked at the nurse before he stood up. She smiled and stepped aside, letting him into the office. And he sat in front of his doctor and they talked and talked. That little hope, he still had inside of him, slowly leaving as memories of all these years he practiced, and had fun with his teammates when they won, played in his head.

"What about surgery?" The words left his mouth before he even realized it.

The doctor startled, but wasn't surprised. There was silence before he answered. "There is a possib—"

"I will do it." He caught himself off guard once again.

The man looked at him, stared into his eyes and saw determination. "As much as I would love to let you go under surgery, there is a high, very high possibility you will never be able to play again or do any sport at all." He explained slowly and waited for words to sunk in. "I am sorry, Oikawa-kun, but I cannot let you decide this on your own."

Tōru's eyes widened. "So…" his voice cracked. "If I go under surgery, I won't be able to play just like if I don't go?" he asked. "So I…can't play volleyball anymore?" his voice turned into whisper.

"I am sorry…" The doctor's voice was quiet.

-:-

The sound of ball calmed him as sweat dripped down his forehead on cheek and disappeared down the neck under T-shirt. He gritted his teeth, pain in his right knee becoming unbearable, yet he kept practicing his spike. There was a game next week and he had enough rest for this one month. He had to get back in the shape.

"—wa" "Oikawa"

Someone yelled his name before he was pulled back, anger in Iwaizumi's eyes making Tōru snap out of it. "Iwa-chan, what are you doing here?" He asked with a smile.

"Don't give me that." Iwaizumi yelled and grabbed the ball from Tōru's hands. "What are you doing?"

"Practicing," He answered like it was a normal thing. "There is a game next week and what kind of captain am I for not practicing and attending practice like a captain should?" he asked and grabbed another ball, but Iwaizumi took it away once again. "Hey" he turned his way.

"Doctor told you not to practice, didn't you listen?" he asked. "Do you want to damage your knee so badly you can't play anymore?"

A flash of anger passed in front of Tōru's eyes. "I already can't play!" he yelled, startling Iwaizumi. "I was on a check-up and doctor told me there is no help for my knee anymore. What am I supposed to do, huh?" he asked and took a step closer to Iwaizumi, who took one back. He gritted his teeth, pain only growing. "Should I just stop going to practice and stop playing volleyball or what? Not even a surgery can help me!"

"S-surgery?" Iwaizumi stuttered, confused and surprised. It was the first time he heard Tōru talk about surgery, neither of them realizing the rest of the team standing outside by doors, listening to every word exchanged.

"I can't snap my fingers and just be okay this time." Tōru scowled at his own statement.

Iwaizumi quietly stared at his friend, not knowing what to say. It was the first time Tōru ever let out his anger on him. Indeed there was a time he did show anger, but never to such extensions. And though Iwaizumi knew it was always bad to leave someone, who is angry, alone, he left the gym. No words exchanged between them as Tōru stared at the empty spot, where his best friend stood.

Iwaizumi kept hitting his head, angry at himself that his body never listened. He cursed himself that he didn't open the damn mouth and say "I am by your side and so are the rest of the team. We can get through". Yet he did none of those things. Not even a pat on his shoulder or grip to tell him he is there.

And as Tōru stood there, in the middle of the gym, all alone in complete silence, a quiet voice spoke out to him.

Now you know how Tobio-chan felt.

He shook with head.

He trusted his teammates, trying to bring the best out of them, but they failed him just like your…Iwa-chandid. How sad~

"Shut up…" Tōru gritted his teeth and made a fist. "That has nothing to do with this."

Indeed it doesn't. But you tried so hard to come this far. You were so close to achieving your dream, but that little mistake… ruinedeverything. You are pathetic, making that simple mistake. Just like when you twisted your ankle. What an idiot…

It laughed in his head.

The hair on Tōru's body rose as he grabbed the ball, ran to the line, jumped and spiked the ball on the other side. But the moment he touched the floor, he fell, the right knee unable to keep the weight on anymore. He gritted his teeth, a curse escaping his lips and banged with a fist onto the ground.

He leaned his head down, a tear escaping down his cheek as a choking sound was heard in the empty gym. The shaking of his hands only made him grip tighter, afraid to lose control over himself. The last thing he need was someone seeing him broken and in pieces.

"You know, once a writer wrote a sentence. Monsters are real and ghosts are real, too. They live inside us. And sometimes they win."

"Is that why mom feels sad?" Young Tōru looked at his older sister, who had him seated on her lap.

"Yes, but don't worry." She smiled. "She is going to be fine and happy as long as you are. You are her precious son and I am her precious daughter." She wrapped her arms around Tōru's small figure and with shaking hands hugged him.

"Oikawa?"

The brunet blinked few times and looked at the coach, sitting in front of him. There was no response as the thoughts that filled his head were now gone.

"How are you feeling?" Mizoguchi Sadayuki asked, his focus on his student.

There was silence as the realization hit Tōru. He was in Infirmary after his outburst in gym. He wanted to laugh, but nothing managed to leave his mouth.

"You want to know how I feel right now?" He spoke after a moment of silence. "I don't feel miserable or angry. I don't even feel good or bad. I feel nothing, which feels great." He stared at his coach, not blinking for a moment. "There are also these voices in my head that keep talking to me every time they see a chance. They used to scare me," he laughed bitterly, "but now I am already used to them."

Mizoguchi quietly sat in front of Tōru, knowing there was much more to it than he showed and said. But he let him talk and say as much as he wanted to.

"And right now, as we sit here, the voices keep whispering how I let it go this far, they repeat every flaw, every moment between me and Kageyama, how I should have gone to better school than Aoba, but then they scream at me how I don't deserve any of this. And the funny thing is, I agree with them." His eyes fell to the ground.

"It is hard; I know." Mizoguchi slowly spoke. "But you are still fighting. Look how far you have come on your own and with the help of your friends and teammates. If anything, you are amazing, Oikawa."

Tōru raised his head, looking straight into his eyes. "If I were amazing, Iwaizumi wouldn't have left when I needed him the most."

"Tōru," The doors swung open, revealing his older sister. She looked at him before rushing to his side, pulling him in a tight hug. There was no need for words as the expression on Tōru's face said everything.

She has seen that look, eyes and expression before. Their mother had the same lifeless eyes when they visited her in hospital with their father. And though she always forced herself to smile she knew it wasn't real. She hoped, how much she hoped, that her brother would never end the same as he looked strong, but how much she was wrong.

"Hey, Oikawa," Iwaizumi approached Tōru after the class has ended.

Tōru looked up and a wide smile spread on his lips. "Iwa-chan," He called, startling the black haired teen. "You are so mean when you didn't send me a message or called me." He playfully pouted.

"E-eh?" Iwaizumi stammered. "U-uh sorry for…that…" He scratched his neck before smiling, relieved he was back. "I wanted to call you, but coach said it is best to give you some time alone."

He is lying.

Tōru's pout grew, the voice in his head quietly making its remarks. "Since when do you listen to the coach?" He asked, but grinned once again. "What do you need?" he quickly added after seeing the discomfort in Iwaizumi's eyes.

"Want to come to practice today?" he asked.

So they can laugh at you sitting on a bench…

"Sure," He replied, his grin not fading for a moment.

You are no fun, Tōru. You really want to watch them play volleyball? I mean, you can totally go and watch, but they will pity you. You know that…

Iwaizumi grinned back before he walked back to his seat, getting ready for next class. He missed the quiet; "Shut up…" that left Tōru's lips as he took books from under the table.

Yet he never showed up. He disappeared before Iwaizumi could even turn back so they could both walk to the gym, but Tōru was nowhere to be seen. He asked where he went, but all he received were shrugs and headshakes. And he kept avoiding everyone from the team. But every time Iwaizumi managed to get him, he always took a random chance and escaped.

"My child," A woman, in middle age, smiled when she saw her youngest child walk into living room.

"Mom" Tōru's eyes widened, his lips turning up in a wide smile. He ran to her and hugged her tightly, making her laugh. "I missed you!" he claimed and looked into her light brown eyes he got from her.

"I missed you too," Mrs Oikawa smiled and caressed his cheek. "Look how much you have grown."

Tōru grinned, his front tooth missing. "Are you feeling okay today? Nee-san told me that monsters make you sad. Should I fight them away?" He asked, his curious and determined eyes boring into hers.

"Tōru" A male voice called from kitchen.

Tōru startled, Mrs Oikawa frowning, as he looked at his father.

"How many times did I tell you not to talk about monsters?" His voice was loud, something Tōru wasn't used to. He wanted to hide away, his eyes tearing up.

"I-it is alright," Mrs Oikawa spoke and smiled, trying to reassure her husband that indeed it was alright. "Don't yell at Tōru, he is just a child." Her voice was soft and gentle, just like the brunet was used to it, but there was still that in it.

She is lying.

It spoke and it confused him as it wasn't his father who said and neither his mother. She caressed his cheek and smiled. "It is alright. Don't cry…"

Maybe you should keep smiling so you wouldn't worry her after all who knows what can happen if you cry. Maybe she will end in hospital again because she will blame herself when it would clearly be your fault. You know she always takes the blame on herself.

And he smiled. "I won't cry. I am sorry, mom." He hugged her as he saw his father let out a sigh before he walked back into kitchen.

Tōru tilted head to the side, watching the leaves dance with the wind before he looked to the side. He smiled when his eyes met with the same coloured ones. There she was, his mother standing by his side.

"You are early today, Tōru…" She spoke quietly.

"We ended quickly with practice." He said, his smile not wavering for a second. "Iwa-chan threw ball at me like always whenever I want to joke to lift the mood." A small pout was visible on his lips, but it quickly turned into smile. "And Kyōtani only listens to him, but it was fun today when I used Iwa-chan's voice and he looked so confused."

Mrs Oikawa laughed. She met Iwaizumi before and saw the picture of whole Aobajōsai team. She was proud of her son and she always enjoyed listening to his stories of the team. She loved them when Tōru told them with emotions and expressions only he could show clearly.

But Tōru will never let her know he can't play volleyball anymore and that he stopped going to practices. He will never let his family know that he was already broken and some pieces already shattered and can't be repaired. He would never tell them about the voices in his head even though he had a slight idea his mother already knew.

With the voices inside, telling him things he wished to forget, he found peace from them only when he visited his mother. He didn't know how or why not one voice spoke, but he didn't mind. With his mother he was calm and that was what he needed.

He was on the ground and she laughed as he talked of his day even though it was a complete lie. And he didn't have to tell her or show any pain of his as she already knew. After all, a mother always knew when her child was in pain or hiding something from her. But she didn't ask any of those questions as she was afraid to not see the smile on her son's lips anymore. And what is sadder than seeing your own child unhappy or your own parent in a place you wished they never were in?