a/n: hiii all- this is a mix of my take on a really popular fanfiction read by nearly everyone, twilight fan or not, Bella Swan: Kidnapper, by Kambria Rain & all of our favorite gangs. Don't worry- I took none of her words, and only one of the children's names. i highly recommend you read it- it's an absolute riot, and won't bear a very similar plot to this at all- beyond the first chapter :) the first chapter is very similar- again, no words taken, just concept, because frankly, it's genius and hilarious. also, she is an extremely gifted writer when it comes to /introductions/ and i admire her a lot on a lot of levels. if you'd like to read hers- i completely recommend it & like i said- past this chapter they won't be very similar at all. they are different characters, different setting, after all :) i would consider this closer to the equivalent of when a fic writer does a harry potter or a hunger games au, than a rewrite of her work :)

she writes on her ff page- and i would like to cement it here: taking a work and changing names in it is not fic of a fic, it is plagiarism. it's also not cool- don't do it. ok that's enough rant enjoy the fic :))))

"Hi, my name is Helga Pataki- and I, really don't know how to say this, but uh, I have your kids with me? I was kind of thinking you might want them back, so, uh, give me a call? Thanks."

Helga Pataki- 25, now settled, in almost every sense of the word, with a steady job, a kid and a house- kind of, really doesn't think she qualifies as certifiably crazy anymore. That is- until she kidnaps Arnold Shortman's children. By accident. Sort of.

There were fruit roll-ups in my cart. I did not put fruit roll-ups in my cart, nor did I need fruit-roll ups in my home.

I moved the bananas aside to fully asses the situation. There was also a Star Wars lunch box next to the the fruit roll-ups. I squinted at my shrimp- my favorite person alive, but also a shrimp.

"I have a list of things to get too, Mom." He explained with a shrug. "You have a list, I have a list, we both have needs." He said- with astonishing solemnity and comedic timing for a 7 year old boy.

"Where is this list, might I ask?" I asked with a smug smile, leaning on the railing of the shopping cart. The boy- whose name was Luke, grabbed Reese's Puffs off the shelf. The shelf nearly broke. Hillwood- really and truly, was turning to complete shit. Everything was old, everything needed to be rebuilt, no one had the money or time to do it.

It was held together by literal duct tape and metaphorical broken dreams.

I would have gone anywhere else- and maybe I would move Luke somewhere else soon. I wasn't sure. But no one was living in the house my family had there- and no one would buy it as it was, a complete run-down piece of shit. Olga certainly wasn't relocating her family there- and Bob and Miriam…

At any rate, me and my son moved back there, just long enough to do some kind of work to it- enough that it would get sold. It wasn't in a prime spot- or in any kind of condition for selling- but there had to be some money left in it. I just couldn't wait to get the hell out of Hillwood as quickly as possible.

My son tsk-ed at me. I wondered how he became such a smart-ass as he grabbed on to the front of the cart, stepping on it, while motioning for me to keep moving. Then I remembered exactly who's son he was.

"Do you really think a list only becomes a list when it's written on paper?" He asked sadly, tilting his head to the side. "That's kind of small minded, Mom."

I couldn't help it, "Smart-ass," I muttered, shoving the grin down under my face. I liked how clever my son was, just less-so when it was directed towards me.

Something else was directed towards me, his hand. He used one to steady himself on the moving cart, the other to wiggle his fingers at me.

If I could go back and time and do one thing- it would probably be punch myself in the face on the day I invented the swearing rule. The rule was if someone swore- they owed everyone in their presence a dollar. It made me the poorest woman alive. I bucked up anyway- and handed him a crumpled one from my back pocket.

He collected it with grabby hands, and hopped off the front of the cart to walk next to me. He grabbed his other crumpled ones from his pocket, and counted five.

"Can I trade these in for a five?" He held them up to me.

I groaned, and smacked my head on my arms, leaning on my cart. Leave it to my own kid to make me feel like a terrible mother- no child needs an allowance of five dollars a day, no one.

"Can I have a cake pop?" Luke asked, as he rode on the cart- now on my side. He stood in between me and the cart- while I pushed behind. Seemed like a bad deal for me- but I knew he wouldn't like being this close to me forever.

I pushed us up to the check lanes of the Giant- a weary looking teenager muttering a half hearted greeting.

"Do you have cake pop money?" I asked sarcastically- as I looked at the teen. "Hi- I'm great, how are you?" I asked sympathetically. She didn't answer, but she was looking at Luke.

I looked down at his face- a smug grin on it. I looked down his arm to his hand- where he was holding five crumpled up ones.

"You win this round, Skywalker." I squinted at him.

He giggled- Skywalker was not his name, nor my last name, but it was a nickname that went with his real name. He loved that he was named after a Star Wars character- it put me pretty high up on the Cool Mom list.

"Go get it- I'm watching." I shooed him off my cart, and he ran to wait in line at the Starbucks, another little family in front of him.

"Smart kid." The teenager commented, as I started loading the conveyer belt with groceries- only 40% of them being things we actually needed.

"It's annoying as fuck." I replied honestly, and I was rewarded with the first smile I had gotten from them all day. I was just glad Luke wasn't present- or I'd owe her a dollar.

Luke reappeared before I had even emptied half the cart.

"That was quick," I commented, still grabbing things to chuck them on the cart.

"Mom, I need you to come here." He said quickly and quietly. I looked up at him, his face looked whiter than it normally did. I looked up at the teen- who was just scanning and bagging, and behind us, where there was no one else in line.

Luke was not a kid who freaked out easily- Luke had had a tough life as it was. I nodded at him, and we power-walked together towards what he had wanted to show me.

The nice family I had seen when Luke had walked up to the Starbucks was…more complicated than I thought it was.

"Ms. Linda-" A boy no larger than Luke was whining, a little girl was holding his hand and hiccuping beside her. "She's only crying because she's hungry- can we please have lunc-"

"Mathew." The woman chastised. We- me and Luke, busied ourselves by the little snack stand, to be less conspicuous. I turned around to glance at the girl checking us out- who was watching us curiously, but the lanes still weren't busy, and she had walked around to pull things from our cart to put on the belt. I could only assume she got the feeling whatever Luke wanted to show me was important, too. "You know we have at least two more stops to make before the party- and we're just short enough on time as it is. I thought you were being a good boy today, why can't you control your sister?"

I glanced at my I-Phone's clock.

It was past four.

I grit my teeth a little, and tried not to look down at Luke's little face looking up at me.

"Could we have something here?" Matthew pleaded- I wanted to bash my face into the stand in front of me.

"It's all full of sugar- and awful for you, you don't want tha-" She was interrupted by a barista, whom didn't call her name, but was giving her a small glare, and read out the drink instead.

"Venti triple no-foam coconut milk skinny mocha latte macchiato." She finished curtly, setting the drink down.

The woman did not thank her for the ridiculous- and also seven-dollar, drink.

"Sophie is riled up enough as it is, Matthew, and she does not need any more suga-"

I looked up, everything in my cart was rung and in bags, and our teenager was staring at us. I grabbed Luke's shoulder, and turned him back towards the check lane.

"Do you think they don't have enough money?" Luke asked quietly and carefully. "I could give them mine."

My heart grew three and a half sizes.

I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't want to say it was none of our business- because I wanted my kid to see the injustice in the world and want to help. I also didn't want to tell him that some people just got shitty parents. I knew that they did- trust me, I knew it. But there wasn't much I could do about it.

"We'll talk about it in the car-" I said decidedly, ruffling his hair. "Sorry about that," I apologized to the girl. She tilted her head at me, indicating she wanted to ask what was wrong, but didn't. I glanced towards the woman marching the kids out of Giant, and back to her, shaking my head. She made a sad face and sighed.

I was glad I didn't have to say anything- I didn't know how I could describe what I just saw without using the word bitch.

We were loading up the car- an SUV I bought myself as my first big treat I could afford. Luke was only grabbing the light stuff- boxes of cereal and the like, but he was useful none the less. I was about to ask him about what he'd like to do for dinner- but I was interrupted by the shatter of glass, and then a crying child. I did a double take- before looking deeper down the row of the cars. Who else was standing there but our favorite family?

"MATTHEW!" The woman looked up from her phone- leaned against the car. The little girl- not any older than four, was sobbing, holding her brother's leg. "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

What looked like a mason jar was shattered on the ground. The boy looked like he was shaking- even from my distance, and he was holding a Giant bag with a hole in the bottom.

I grabbed the rest of the bags and threw them haphazardly into my trunk. I reached up high to close it- and only then did I notice my hands were shaking.

"WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO PICK IT UP?" She yelled at him.

No. This bitch was not going to make a seven year old pick up broken glass. No.

"Luke, get in the car."

He hesitated, but then did as I told him. I pushed the cart down the row of cars- wincing as I did so, as I hated people who didn't put their cart back, but we had to move fast. I already had a plan formulating in mind.

"Ms. Linda, please-" I heard as I hurried around to the driver's side of the car, Luke situating himself in the backseat on the other side.

"MATTHEW- AREN'T YOU THE MAN OF THE DAY?" Toxic masculinity- perfect, my other favorite thing. I slammed the car door behind me, turning the car on as quickly as possible. I had my phone in one hand, keys in the other. I was going to get a picture of this bitch's license plate and call the police. Or child-protective services. Or something, I wasn't sure yet. I rolled down the window, while simultaneously pulling out. I missed whatever she said because the window was shut- but I caught the end of her sentence. "And really, you both should start working on calling me Mom."

I quickly pulled up the line of cars, slowing down as we pulled up to their so I could get a picture. The woman had a vice-like grip on the little boy's arm, leaned down over the glass. "And for God's sake," I kept my car moving slowly so she wouldn't notice- and tried to will my hand to stop fucking shaking enough to get a picture. "Would you stop crying?" She yelled at the little girl, hand gripping tighter on the boy's arm. She raised her hand up, like she was going to hit her- and I gasped.

I heard a car door open.

I slammed on the brakes.

I panicked, because it wasn't them who opened a door, and I looked back at Luke who did, unbuckled, and scooting across the seats of the back to get to my side.

"GET IN!" He shouted at the kids.

That was my kid alright. My brave, stupid, kid. The woman looked dumb-founded in between Luke and then me, dropping her hand on the kid, mouth falling open with disgust.

"Who are you and what do you- WHAT ARE YO-" She started to scream, and I looked back, and to my astonishment, the little boy had pushed the little girl up, hands on her bottom, as she climbed into my car. Luke reached a hand down to the boy, Matt,- as it was a high jump and the step-stool wasn't down. The boy grabbed it and leaped athletically into my car. The bitch- Linda, or whatever, took two angry steps forward- before sliding on the broken glass and falling straight backwards. The little girl clambered on to a seat, Luke fiddling with his seat belt in his new seat behind me.

Matt slammed the door shut.

"MOM- DRIVE!" Luke shouted.

I knew it was stupid- a mistake, and beyond illegal- but my foot slammed on the gas anyway.

Her screaming behind us was almost worth it.

We were only driving out of the parking lot- me making an illegal left turn, for maybe 30 seconds, before Luke dived in.

"My name is Luke Pataki, my mom named me after Star Wars- that's my mom, she kidnapped you kind of-" He pointed at me, what an introduction- "Does Sophie need help with her seat belt?"

"Sophie normally sits in a car seat-" Matthew answered. Car-seat, I thought, shit. I slowed down my speed. "My name is Matt. Matt Shortman. My favorite Star Wars guy is Han Solo. That lady back there was not my mom. Do you guys have any snacks?" Sophie was sniffling.

My heart ached.

"My mom wasn't cool enough to name me Han," Luke commented as he sat up, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a broken, pink, cake pop, in a piece of crumpled-up paper.

"Do you think she'd like this?"

I knew he had bought it with swear-money, but goddamnit if that moment didn't make me feel like Mother of the Year. Even though he called me not-cool.

"Hey Matt-" I said, looking up at my rear view, "you said she wasn't your mom. Do you know your parent's phone number? They're going to be... worried."

"I memorized my dad's in Kindergarten class! But I'm going to be a second grader this year."

"No way!" Luke enthused, "Me too! Anyway- my favorite part of Star Wars was 'Luke- I am your father,' so I like Luke." he faked the deep voice.

"I like the part where Vader melted."

"THAT WAS AWESOM-"

"Boys." I interrupted again, as much as I was enjoying the discussion. "Matt- could you tell me your Dad's number-" I pulled into a Dairy Queen parking lot so I could grab my phone to call him, and maybe some snacks for the kids from the groceries. I parked and turned around, and waved a little finger at the tiny blonde girl in the middle. Who yawned in response, but it was cute nonetheless.

Luke and Matt put a hold on the convo long enough for Matt to prattle off a phone number to me. I put a finger to my lips so they knew to be quiet as it rang, pressing the phone to my ear- next to my hair which was piled on top of my head in a messy bun. I looked down, my green long sleeved t-shirt and leggings were quite the kidnapping look.

"Hello," I got an automated voice "you've reached 610-23-" I stopped listening, trying to formulate exactly what I was about to say.

"Hi, my name is Helga Pataki- and I, really don't know how to say this, but uh, I have your kids with me? I was kind of thinking you might want them back, so, uh, give me a call? Thanks."

Well, that wasn't going to win me a Pulitzer prize, but it would have to do.

"I hope I had the right number," I said as I hung up the phone.

Matt nodded confidently. "You did." He replied.

"I forgot to ask you for your Dad's name-" I mused quietly, frowning at my phone as I hoped it would ring again. "What is it, do you know?" I hoped the kid knew- otherwise i had even more concern for this family.

"Arnold!"

I dropped my phone- it fell down in between my seat and the console. "What did you say your last name was, again?"

"Shortman."

Fuck.

Sophie gasped, climbing over her brother, to look out the window, at the Dairy Queen sign, "We getting ice cream?" She asked delightedly in what I used to call Tiny Human English.

The kids were already unbuckling.

I hated my life.

a/n don't kidnap children... it will not reunite u w/ the one that got away. i know i write ridiculous cracky stuff but i admit htis is extra lol hope ur buckled up for the ride! let me know what u think of our newest adventure, lol.

xx. k.