AUTHORS NOTE: Here lies my first Stony fic. It is a lot longer than initially intended and I've spent too much time with it to decide whether I actually like it anymore. Hey-ho. I eased myself into writing a new ship, so buckynat are perpetual date-crashers (plus I really liked that idea). There's a few lines of Russian later on, but I'm basically a novice with the language. So apologies for any mistakes. This is set a few years after the events of Civil War, because i don't like to deviate from canon too much even if it's painful. Enjoy!

Tony's hands were sweaty. Tony's hands were sweaty. Tony didn't get date nerves. Not as a general rule. The only time he'd ever felt this nervous before was on his first date with Pepper. He'd finally made himself ask Steve on a date, and now they sat in a horrendous silence as the limo made it's way through the city. Steve didn't seem to mind. He spent the entire ride looking out the window.

Tony tapped the door handle, grateful when the car rolled to a stop, just because opening the door gave him something to do. He waited for Steve to join him and gave a blasé smile as he strolled into the restaurant.

"Dinner's on me." Tony pushed through the door and held it for Steve.

"I'll try and hustle that down to half and half by the end of the night." Steve said, closing the door before they headed for the waiter behind a podium of menus. He kept his hands in his pockets, he knew it would look bad if he kept wiping them on his trousers.

"You might regret that when you see the prices." Tony said. He turned to the waiter before Steve could insist. "Table under Stark."

The waiter nodded.

"Right this way, sir. The rest of your party has already arrived." The waiter stood to the side and held his hand out for them to follow. Steve and Tony glanced to one another, both equally confused.

"The rest of our party? I booked a table for two."

The waiter looked him up and down. Refined and delicate, but weary of anyone who would fall out of line with the almighty atmosphere of the restaurant.

"Sir's secretary called back to inform us two extra guests would join his party." The waiter glanced to Steve, like he would have more cutesy. Like there hadn't been a mix up on the restaurants side. "Your table is this way."

The waiter turned into the main room. Steve and Tony followed, prepared to hash out whoever had managed to book a table under Tony's name and, if need be, fight some new super villain that worked through passive aggressive claiming of tables. The waiter weaved expertly through the tables and stopped seemingly at random. Tony or Steve could have walked into him due to the certainty of his stop, but they stopped dead in the middle of the restaurant themselves.

Their table was not one for two. Two sets of chairs were pushed to each end of the circle, but two were already filled. James Buchanan Barnes in a fine suit he couldn't have pulled off with long hair sat in one, next to Natasha Romanov in a long, dripping dress – black leaking into dark green to match her eyes. Natasha and Bucky were the two Avengers that changed their hairstyles more than the seasons changed. Bucky had recently cut his hair short, which meant he'd be immediately growing it out again. Nat's curls had fallen to her chin since the last big Avengers mission. They sat over glasses of wine. At least they'd made an effort to look acceptable when they gate crashed Steve and Tony's first date.

Bucky spotted them and raised a hand. His smiles had been getting easier over the years, Steve had never wanted to ring it out of him before now.

"You're here!"

The waiter had left them to their own devices but Steve and Tony refused to sit down. Tony seemed to be frozen by his glare. Steve looked between them.

"Yes. We're here. It's our date. Why are you here?

"We have double dates with Clint and Laura without complaining all the time." Nat shrugged. "You two can struggle through it."

"Two couples in established relationships double date. Fine. This is our first date." Steve pointed out, arms folded. "You don't think this is a little weird?"

"We won't talk to you if you don't want to." Bucky tried to settle the evening with diplomacy. Steve Rogers, Captain America, couldn't bring himself appreciate it. They'd be nothing to settle if they weren't here. "It's taken you two long enough to go on a date. We want to make sure you don't screw it up."

"We have dated before tonight, y'know that, Soldier? Just not each other." Tony glared. Guests and waiters had begun to stare at them. They still wouldn't sit down. Bucky rolled his eyes and ignored Tony, but recognized the agitation in his best friend and tried to put a better spin on it.

"I took you on double first dates in the 30's and 40's Steve. This isn't any different."

"This is very different." Steve's voice was flat. Bucky didn't ask for details, just waved a circumstantial hand.

"It's too late now." He said. "We're here."

"And you can't leave because…?" Tony offered, raising his eyebrows and folding his arms to mirror Steve.

"The fun's only just started." Nat supplied, swirling her glass of wine and taking a sip. Steve grunted. Tony rolled his eyes. They looked at each other and wordlessly accepted they'd have to make do. Bucky and Natasha had already rolled back into their own personal conversation. You could hardly call it a double date when the other couple ignored you completely, all their company did was make Steve and Tony feel like they had marginally less privacy.

It was hard to know what to talk about on a date with someone you'd known for years. There were none of the tell me what you do? What hobbies do you have? When you work with them on a life and death basis and had witnessed their party lifestyle littered with inventions multiple times. It was even harder to know what to talk about to drown out the laughter that followed whatever Bucky and Natasha were whispering to each other on the other side of the table. Whispering or cackling out an extra punch line in some foreign language it was needed to learn to be a world renowned assassin.

"Remind me of something we don't know about each other?" Steve looked at Tony with a desperate plea. He was desperate to look anywhere that wasn't Natasha feeding Bucky a bread stick and Tony wasn't a bad alternative.

"What sort of underwear do you wear?" Tony asked. He was sat back in his seat, seemingly confident, taking a sip of beer. He was just as annoyed as Steve but he wasn't going to let that make this date even more of a mess than it already was.

Steve laughed and looked at the plate in front of him to make sure any blushes he might have had went unseen. He cleared his throat and looked back up.

"I'm not going to answer that if you don't."

Tony smiled and shrugged.

"Maybe we'll find out."

Steve definitely blushed that time.

"Favorite color." He declared, moving the topic forward because he couldn't flirt that blatantly. "I'm guessing Red and Gold."

"Pretty much. I might be a closet lilac fan though." Tony widened his eyes to give an air of mystery. He smiled when Steve laughed again. "Favorite animal?"

"Turtle. You?"

"Dogs I guess."

"Ugh!" They had been going so well! Steve had almost forgotten Bucky and Natasha were there. Tony closed his eyes slowly at Natasha's interruption. "Cats are so much better."

Of course she liked cats. The Avengers base had been destroyed several times by Colin and Bradley, the strays Nat and Bucky had taken in.

"Personally," Bucky felt the need to add his opinion. "I like spiders."

Nat gave him a dry look as she sat back and took another sip of wine.

"You think you're so smooth, Barnes."

Bucky grinned. Steve and Tony weren't grinning.

"What was it you said about not talking to us?" Tony asked, his tone an innocent threat of bloody murder. Bucky rolled his eyes and soon the couple on the other side of the table had fallen back down to their own conversation again. Eventually Steve and Tony worked their way into more interesting conversation than "what's your favorite?"

Every time the date seemed to be going well, Bucky and Natasha would do something seemingly innocent that would put a buzz kill on the entire night. After Nat had interrupted a conversation to ask if Steve thought he and Bucky could get Senior Citizen privileges, and the military trained-ghost-story-assassin known as Bucky Barnes walked into a waiter on the way back from the bathroom and spilt soup down Steve's back – the double dater's called it a night.

"What is wrong with you two?" Tony demanded as he and Steve stormed down the street after Natasha and Bucky. They hadn't seemed to register their angst all night. They walked with calm purpose, turning into an alleyway. Steve and Tony had been too intent on bickering with them – or at them – that they hadn't noticed where they were going. A motorbike stood parked next to a trash can. Nat scooped up the helmets that had been left there and passed one to Bucky.

"Woah! Woah!" Bucky raised his hands in surrender. "Chill. The date went well, you're not-so-lovers spats have caused the destruction of airports before now. No need to thank us for chaperoning - jeez."

"Stop bringing up the airport thing – it was years ago!" Steve said. Tony's annoyance was clearer.

"We know how to date." Tony pronounced every syllable. It seemed to be the only point he was capable of making.

"Then why are you still single?" Natasha asked. Now that they seemed to have realized Steve and Tony's anger, Bucky and Natasha acted offended. Like they had the right.

"Yeah, Tony, we were just trying to help." Bucky defended. Tony only turned another shade of red.

"No one asked for your help!"

Bucky shook his head as he looked between them. Natasha narrowed her eyes.

"Милая моя" Nat didn't take her eyes off Steve and Tony. Her voice was a threat, despite the endearment she used to talk to Bucky. She yanked her skirt up to her waist. Without context the actions should have been alarming - if Steve and Tony weren't too angry to notice. The two superhero couples were facing off in glares. "держать мою юбку."

Bucky took Nat's skirt as they climbed onto the bike. The long dress might have been impractical, but she had shorts on underneath. It was less in the way if Bucky held it while Nat rode, rather than Nat having to hold it and Bucky, as a passenger. Besides, Natasha hated riding passenger, Bucky didn't mind either way.

"Fine, we'll go." Bucky said, like a parent who was finally leaving his kids room when they'd brought a date home. He pointed at them to emphasize his seriousness. "But if this date goes wrong now it's not on us. We tried to help."

Steve's eyes went wide in his frustration. Tony's jaw line pulsed, ready to explode as he snapped at them.

"Not your fault?" He took a purposeful step forward, Steve had to grab his arm to stop any violence arising. "Not your fault?"

Bucky shook his head as he put on his helmet and murmured a stream of curses in a language neither Steve nor Tony spoke. Natasha and Bucky rode off onto the main roads, leaving Steve and Tony in a cloud of gravel.

Tony and Steve stood in silence as they glared at where the motorbike had disappeared. Tony took a step back, hands in pockets. Steve sighed.

"I'm so sorry about them."

"We can deal with your toddlers later." Tony sounded exhausted.

"Deal with them?" Steve could hear the promise in Tony's voice. Even in his current state of cursing the ground Bucky walked on, he wasn't completely down for that. He was cursing the ground in a loving way. It was worth it to see the sly smile that crept over Tony's face and the light that sparked in his eyes.

"My Best Friend outranks your Best Friend. Not to mention that my James' metal suit beats your James' metal arm."

Steve raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not sure that suit-to-arm thing has been proved in the past."

"I blew his arm off." Tony reminded dryly. Steve seemed to consider that.

"Even if Rhodey could take him – my best friend's girlfriend would kick his ass for it."

"Good point."

Tony's sly smile still followed him. He was already walking out of the alleyway. Steve jogged a step or two to catch up.

"You seriously think we can salvage this date?"

"If I can't save a date then there's no one Romanarnes can't screw over."

Tony tapped his phone at a rapid pace as they walked down the street. Steve was getting uncomfortable, he'd taken his jacket off but it still stank of soup. He probably looked at Tony more than the way ahead as he glanced between the two. Say something! He didn't really feel like Tony was doing much saving. Conversation had run dry. Maybe this was what dates were like in the twenty first century, news reports were constantly updating the nation on how long they were spending in front of screens.

"So…" Steve regretted opening his mouth. He had nothing to say. He was mentally kicking himself.

"Let's go to the park." Tony announced like Steve hadn't spoken. With that he stepped out onto the road, and a car appeared for them out of nowhere.

Tony pulled Steve into an empty space of grass, paths and trees enclosed the area, but it didn't look like anyone would be passing through at this time in the evening. Tony rounded, standing opposite him. Steve looked around, hands in his pockets, the chill was getting to him a little – but his jacket was still soup wet.

"What are we doing here?" The space of park could easily be ideal for a gang fight. "Have you got a picnic stashed in your pants or are you just really enjoying this date?"

Tony smirked. A lazy hand in his pocket, the other holding out his phone and pressing a thumb down.

"Depends what sort of picnic you want, Cap."

He stashed his phone away again, just as Steve started hearing the rockets. Lights rose from behind the trees. A dozen Iron Man suits circled the air above them. If Steve didn't trust Tony, this whole thing would feel like an attempt to get him alone and fire robot missiles at him. Instead he just raised an eyebrow, an action he'd gotten so used to around this man it might as well have been a permanent fixture.

"Promise me you're not going to do anything stupid." Tony spoke before Steve could ask any questions. "Find a building to jump off. Smother an explosion. You're kind of thing."

"There's going to be explosions?" Steve was still apprehensive. Tony didn't wait for his promise either.

"FRIDAY," Tony didn't take his eyes from Steve's. "Make it rain like it's the Captain's birthday."

With that the dozen Iron Man suits began to explode around them. Sparks lit the sky. Debris and ash and Iron Man helmets showered them. Steve had always loved fireworks, but these ones were more Tony. He could get on board with the difference. He smiled back down at Tony.

"You did this for Pepper."

Tony's face dropped. For a moment he just stared. For a moment Steve thought he'd broken him.

"Oh god" Tony sounded like he'd only just realized who he was and didn't like him. "I've run out of new ideas on how to be flash." His expression deepened into something of pure horror. "I'm old."

"Not as old as me." Steve laughed and touched Tony's shoulder. "It's time for me to save the date."

"This is your idea?" Tony looked immensely uncomfortable in the carriage Steve had paid to take them around the park. Steve was rather enjoying the sound of the houses and the night breeze. Tony did very little walking with his fancy cars and floating suits – Steve had assumed he'd appreciate it. "Never took you for a fairy tale romantic."

"I'm not." Steve dismissed. "What's wrong with a carriage ride?"

"What? You thought the smell of manure was what was missing from the dry soup on your jacket."

"You're one to talk." Steve was getting annoyed with him now. He didn't have to point out that he stank. He'd already been feeling bad about it. "You used the same move on me as you did for an ex, Stark. Not to mention - I would have hoped Stark Industries had better security on their secretary's phones."

"Barnes and Romanov weren't my fault. They're your sidekicks." Tony glared at him. The carriage came to a sudden stop. Steve and Tony's argument was broken as they looked toward the back of the driver. Tweed jacket and flat cap all they could see.

"What seems to be the problem officer?" The driver's grumble was barely distinguishable. Tony and Steve glanced between the driver and the "policeman" that had stopped them.

"Well these two gentlemen are clearly in love." Steve and Tony just sat there and glared at Bucky, as he spoke to the driver like they weren't there. How had he even gotten that outfit so quickly? "And yet they're arguing. Perhaps if you had candles on your carriage, played some love ballads…they wouldn't disturb the peace."

"Bucky…" Steve looked at Bucky like he'd sunk to new lows. The driver spoke before anyone could say anything else about how clearly busted Bucky was. He was still acting like he could pass as a police officer.

"Well I've tried but this is just what happens if you leave them alone for too long." The driver hadn't done anything but grunt before then. Steve closed his eyes in disdain at the sound of Natasha's. voice. "Incidentally, the blonde one doesn't strike me as someone to have sidekicks. If he happened to hang out with some stunningly attractive red heads and brunettes they certainly wouldn't be his sidekicks."

"If anyone needs a sidekick, they could always have each other." Police Officer Barnes remarked like this was a serious conversation not aimed at them. "In a less power dominant, less kick – more kiss, kind of way."

The noise Tony made sounded alarmingly like a war cry as he jumped from the carriage and tackled Bucky to the floor. Natasha came down from the carriage and removed her cap, shaking her hair out, but she just stood by the horses and watched Bucky and Tony roll on the ground – as if waiting to see who would come out on top. Steve didn't want either of them to give the other a black eye, so rushed from the carriage himself and pulled Tony off his best friend. Tony made an attempt to break away and attack again, but Steve held him back. Eventually he was confident enough that Tony wouldn't kick anyone in the face to let him go.

"It's a felony to impersonate a police officer, Buck." Steve shook his head as he stood over him. Tony glanced his way.

"That's your problem with this?"

Steve shrugged. "Among others."

Tony shook his head and confronted the double daters again. Clearly on his last straw. Apparently tackling Bucky to the ground having been his second to last straw.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you hate us? You're like a chastity belt that enjoys finding new ways to screw people over too much."

"You flirt through arguing." Natasha explained, standing by the horses and talking in her annoyingly nonchalant fashion. "You were always going to need a common enemy if this date was going to work."

Bucky piped up from the floor.

"And we really needed this date to go well. None of us were going to put up with anymore tension from you two."

"You're telling me this was everyone's idea?" Steve asked. Bucky nodded like it was no big deal.

"Wanda and the Vision are guarding the cinema. Clint and Laura are at an ice rink. Sam's at a fun fair. Thor and Jane went to a jungle gym."

"Jungle gym?" Tony was certain he was dreaming – or rather having a nightmare. Steve too looked like his head was about to explode. Natasha shrugged it off.

"We had to be prepared for every turn this date could take."

"Personally I wanted to see you go dancing with Bruce." Bucky said, sitting up on the grass and leaning his elbows on his knees.

"Were you ever going to leave us alone?" Steve asked. He couldn't remember ever being this exhausted. Not in the twenty first century. Bucky and Natasha shared a look.

"Truthfully? We hadn't thought that far ahead." Bucky admitted. "We figured something worse would have gone wrong by this point."

Steve just stared at him. How could this possibly have gone any worse?

"It's good to know your friends have so much faith in you." Tony said. It was a drawl but his words quickly became threatening. "But you're going to leave us alone now. Wherever you go. However obscure your dates get. Me and Steve will be at the next table. Or one step ahead. You think you super spies are so great and allusive? Well not anymore. We'll always find you. We'll be there with our bowls of soup. Consider your dates permanently ruined." Maybe the other Avengers had gone too far. You knew you'd broken Iron Man when one of his threats was We'll be there with our bowls of soup. Steve's alarm was clear but Tony didn't notice as he grabbed his hand. "C'mon, Captain. We're getting ice cream."

With that they stormed off. A flock of pigeons making way for Steve and Tony to flee anyone else who wanted to crash their date. Bucky got to his feet.

"Should we tell them we have Rhodey and Peter watching ice cream stools?" He brushed the grass off his outfit. Natasha watched them go.

"I wouldn't bother. Let's go home and watch Netflix." Natasha made her need to binge TV sound like it was the statistically better option. "They can find another common enemy. They'll need one."

AUTHORS NOTE 2: I used several websites as well as google translate to try and get some semi-okay Russian. Nat says something along the lines of "My darling. Keep my skirt." I could have gone without it, sure, but this whole fic was a long process of procrastination in an exam period. The formatting of this has screwed up a few time. So I'll come back for another edit soon.

This is one in a never ending line of Marvel one shots. There'll be more coming. There's more on my profile (mainly about Bucky Barnes). Check 'em out if your interested.

Until next time - goodbye forever.