It's 1am and I've been bored lately. So I write. I write about nothing in
particular, just abstract thoughts and ramblings about nothing.
Occasionally characters form from these thoughts, and a story begins about
them in my mind. People don't really know this side of me, much less
appreciate it. I guess it doesn't matter, though. I'll never be looked at
as intelligent; my behavior has made sure of that. Perhaps if I calmed down
I wouldn't be viewed as the adorable boy who's so sweet and kind but no too
bright. I can be intelligent when I want. I guess I just don't want to.
Maybe that's it: I've come to accept my role in life as the carefree child.
Though I believe I've grown up way too fast. That was so much to go through
at fourteen. It was a lot for all of us. But yes, I suppose I've come to
accept that as well. But there are some things I just /can't/ accept.
"Rrgh." Sora angrily slammed the keyboard back into its drawer. "I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about." He banged his head on the desk, then lifted it sleepily to regard the clock in the corner of the screen. "1:06. Yay. I'm not tired. Fuck. What to do now? Work on accepting things the way they are?" He laughed bitterly, quietly. Hell no, he couldn't accept things the way they were. Not when he couldn't be happy the way he wanted to, not when he couldn't be truly happy.
"I wonder if Kairi's up?" He wondered aloud and reached for his phone. He didn't know what he'd talk about, but hey, at least it was something to do. He dialed the number and listened as it rang once. Twice. Thrice. Four times.
"Hello?" Kairi's voice came from the other end.
"Hey, babe." Sora sighed out. Boy, did he ever sound interested. He'd only been dating Kairi for about a month, but it seemed they'd tired every conversational subject out.
"Sora? What're you calling so late for?" She didn't sound annoyed, but tired. And a bit confused. Sora barely ever called, especially not at 1 a.m. on a Thursday night.
"I dunno. I was bored and couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd call." He leaned forward on the desk, opening a web browser and looking at random things. He was just so /enthralled/ with this conversation.
"Oh. So, what's up?" She perked up a little from before, though it was still obvious that she had been sleeping.
"Absolutely nothing. I feel drained and I don't know why. I can't even write." He clicked a link with mild interest. Maybe he'd find inspiration there.
"Write? I didn't know you wrote, Sora." He peaked her interest. True, Sora didn't really talk about his hobby. Mostly because he didn't want others reading what he wrote, though some he posted on the web. He rarely, if ever, showed any of his work to his friends. He'd let Riku read a couple of stories, which his friend said were great, but not really anyone else. Not even Kairi.
"Huh? You didn't know that? Well, I guess I've never shown you anything. I'll let you read something sometime." He idly clicked on a picture gallery. Sometimes visuals help fuel the writer's soul. Maybe he could turn a still into a story.
"Why don't you read me something?" One could hear the smile in her voice. Sora was pulled back to attention and thought for a moment.
"Well, uh, what sort of genre do you like?" He didn't really want to read anything out loud, especially over the phone, but he wanted her to be happy, so he'd oblige. He opened his hard drive and searched for the folder that held at least three years worth of writing.
"Hm, well, I've always been fond of fantasy. And romance." She giggled and he smiled. So like Kairi. So, what story to read? Most of his stories were fantasies, involving dragons and strange beings. It had taken that turn after his adventure two years ago. Many of them were also romances; though they had always been that way.
"Ok, here's one. I don't really title them, so I'm just gonna leap into it, okay?"
"Sure."
Sora cleared his throat, eyes scanning the first few lines of a scene. Romance. Pure fluff. Kairi would love that. "Shannon smiled at his love, a tender kiss sealing them together. He was completely mesmerized by the other, those alluring green eyes that pulled him in, that soft blonde hair that begged to be touched, skin so soft and fragile that at times he feared it would shatter. He stroked his love's hair, brushing a few strands away from the beautiful eyes. To believe that a few short days ago he'd saved the other's life. Shannon was still completely lost in how beautiful he was."
"He? The guy's lost in how beautiful he is, as in he himself?" Kairi cut in, getting lost herself.
"Huh? Oh, I meant 'she'. Must be more tired that I thought." Oh, smooth, Sora. You had to pick one of /those/ stories. Now he'd spend the whole time trying to remember to say "she" instead of "he". At least he gave the guy a feminine name. Sora finished reciting the first chapter of the story without any mistakes. Kairi told him it was wonderful, especially the heroic rescue. He thanked her and looked at the clock again. 1:47. Time to go to bed, or at least stop talking to her. He told her goodnight and she did the same. When he hung up, he slumped down in his chair, placing a hand on his forehead in exasperation.
"Dumbass." He muttered. Why'd he pick /that/ story? He had a couple good ones with straight couples. But they weren't really as good as the others. The relationships seemed so contrived, almost forced. When he wrote about two guys, though, it just seemed natural. It was this observation which made him begin to question himself.
He'd started this mental interview about three years ago. He was only thirteen, but he knew that something was, well, different about him. While all the other boys were becoming so interested in girls and dating, he preferred to just hang out with guys. At first, he just thought that it was because he was such a child at heart, but later he began to "notice" other boys. He was almost scared when he had his first crush. He couldn't stop thinking that it was wrong. But even though he knew it was wrong, he couldn't help it, and after a while he realized that even if he could help it he wouldn't want to.
About a year ago Sora finally admitted to himself that he was gay. It had become comfortable now. He'd just live the way he always had, preferring men to women and blaming it on being young. So where does Kairi come into all this?
When Sora was fourteen, he was still very opposed to these unwelcome feelings. He was convinced that boys should like /girls/, not other boys. He would do anything to uphold this moral in his mind, even if his body and heart told him otherwise. He then became dead-set on finding a girlfriend. He didn't just want to pull one out of thin air, so he considered who he was close to. His options were Selphie and Kairi. Selphie was just a bit too hyperactive, even for him, so he went for easy-going Kairi. She was nice, pretty, and he thought she had kind of a crush on him already.
So it was settled. He would go for Kairi, trying to make her fall for him. Maybe if he had a girlfriend these feelings would go away and he'd like girls? He was just fooling himself. In his pursuit for Kairi, however, it would seem he had competition. Riku, his best friend and rival, decided that he wanted the girl as well. Sora tried to dismiss it as rivalry but couldn't shake the feeling that he /had/ to win her and that he'd probably be beaten. Riku was, after all, stronger, faster, and a bit more attractive than Sora. Plus, he had that older man thing going, even if he was only just under a year older (Sora and Riku are the same age for three months while Riku is older the rest of the time. Sora and Kairi are a month apart, Kairi being the younger.). Kairi's affections seemed torn, however, and she sent mixed signals to both boys. Maybe it was just as well. It wouldn't really matter if she loved either of them.
When all the shit went down, Sora realized that he didn't love Kairi. Sure, she was a great girl, fun to hang around with and talk to, but not to love. He would soon love another anyway. But even after everything ended, even after Sora returned to Destiny Islands after finding Riku, Kairi still clung to him. He didn't really mind. After all, just because he could tell /himself/ he was gay didn't mean the whole island had to know. A year he had been absolutely sure he'd never like a girl that way, and he was the only one who knew.
Sora sighed and thumped his head on the desk again. Inspiration was slipping. He had told Kairi he was drained. He knew why. It was because he felt he'd never know true happiness. He'd never wake up wrapped in the arms of another man, he'd never know what it was like to have a real kiss, not fake like those he shared with Kairi. He'd never be able to tell his crush how he really felt.
Ah, his crush. Perhaps the most beautiful boy to ever set foot on Destiny Islands. Strong, lean, handsome. Sora found himself grinning stupidly at these images. He loved this boy, for what it was worth, but the other would never know. Sora idly wondered if being around him so much was good because at least he could talk to him and touch him casually, even mock-flirt with him, or if it was torture, being so close to something he'd surely never have. Even if the latter were true, though, he wouldn't be able to tear himself away from Riku. They were too close to let that happen. They were best friends. And perhaps nothing more.
Sora sat up, inspiration suddenly smacking him in the face. He grinned widely and began to type. A sappy romance, if nothing else, was materializing on the screen. Sora was getting lost in his fervor, these characters seeming to control him and will what he wrote. Then, he stopped rather abruptly, in a cliffhanger, "to be continued" kind of spot. He re- read his work to check for grammar and spelling. He was proud that there were no errors. His work was perfect. He had to show someone. What time was it? 2:47. Well, it was worth a shot.
He picked up the phone and dialed Riku's number. The phone rang twice before it was picked up.
"What?" Came Riku's tired greeting.
"Rrgh." Sora angrily slammed the keyboard back into its drawer. "I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about." He banged his head on the desk, then lifted it sleepily to regard the clock in the corner of the screen. "1:06. Yay. I'm not tired. Fuck. What to do now? Work on accepting things the way they are?" He laughed bitterly, quietly. Hell no, he couldn't accept things the way they were. Not when he couldn't be happy the way he wanted to, not when he couldn't be truly happy.
"I wonder if Kairi's up?" He wondered aloud and reached for his phone. He didn't know what he'd talk about, but hey, at least it was something to do. He dialed the number and listened as it rang once. Twice. Thrice. Four times.
"Hello?" Kairi's voice came from the other end.
"Hey, babe." Sora sighed out. Boy, did he ever sound interested. He'd only been dating Kairi for about a month, but it seemed they'd tired every conversational subject out.
"Sora? What're you calling so late for?" She didn't sound annoyed, but tired. And a bit confused. Sora barely ever called, especially not at 1 a.m. on a Thursday night.
"I dunno. I was bored and couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd call." He leaned forward on the desk, opening a web browser and looking at random things. He was just so /enthralled/ with this conversation.
"Oh. So, what's up?" She perked up a little from before, though it was still obvious that she had been sleeping.
"Absolutely nothing. I feel drained and I don't know why. I can't even write." He clicked a link with mild interest. Maybe he'd find inspiration there.
"Write? I didn't know you wrote, Sora." He peaked her interest. True, Sora didn't really talk about his hobby. Mostly because he didn't want others reading what he wrote, though some he posted on the web. He rarely, if ever, showed any of his work to his friends. He'd let Riku read a couple of stories, which his friend said were great, but not really anyone else. Not even Kairi.
"Huh? You didn't know that? Well, I guess I've never shown you anything. I'll let you read something sometime." He idly clicked on a picture gallery. Sometimes visuals help fuel the writer's soul. Maybe he could turn a still into a story.
"Why don't you read me something?" One could hear the smile in her voice. Sora was pulled back to attention and thought for a moment.
"Well, uh, what sort of genre do you like?" He didn't really want to read anything out loud, especially over the phone, but he wanted her to be happy, so he'd oblige. He opened his hard drive and searched for the folder that held at least three years worth of writing.
"Hm, well, I've always been fond of fantasy. And romance." She giggled and he smiled. So like Kairi. So, what story to read? Most of his stories were fantasies, involving dragons and strange beings. It had taken that turn after his adventure two years ago. Many of them were also romances; though they had always been that way.
"Ok, here's one. I don't really title them, so I'm just gonna leap into it, okay?"
"Sure."
Sora cleared his throat, eyes scanning the first few lines of a scene. Romance. Pure fluff. Kairi would love that. "Shannon smiled at his love, a tender kiss sealing them together. He was completely mesmerized by the other, those alluring green eyes that pulled him in, that soft blonde hair that begged to be touched, skin so soft and fragile that at times he feared it would shatter. He stroked his love's hair, brushing a few strands away from the beautiful eyes. To believe that a few short days ago he'd saved the other's life. Shannon was still completely lost in how beautiful he was."
"He? The guy's lost in how beautiful he is, as in he himself?" Kairi cut in, getting lost herself.
"Huh? Oh, I meant 'she'. Must be more tired that I thought." Oh, smooth, Sora. You had to pick one of /those/ stories. Now he'd spend the whole time trying to remember to say "she" instead of "he". At least he gave the guy a feminine name. Sora finished reciting the first chapter of the story without any mistakes. Kairi told him it was wonderful, especially the heroic rescue. He thanked her and looked at the clock again. 1:47. Time to go to bed, or at least stop talking to her. He told her goodnight and she did the same. When he hung up, he slumped down in his chair, placing a hand on his forehead in exasperation.
"Dumbass." He muttered. Why'd he pick /that/ story? He had a couple good ones with straight couples. But they weren't really as good as the others. The relationships seemed so contrived, almost forced. When he wrote about two guys, though, it just seemed natural. It was this observation which made him begin to question himself.
He'd started this mental interview about three years ago. He was only thirteen, but he knew that something was, well, different about him. While all the other boys were becoming so interested in girls and dating, he preferred to just hang out with guys. At first, he just thought that it was because he was such a child at heart, but later he began to "notice" other boys. He was almost scared when he had his first crush. He couldn't stop thinking that it was wrong. But even though he knew it was wrong, he couldn't help it, and after a while he realized that even if he could help it he wouldn't want to.
About a year ago Sora finally admitted to himself that he was gay. It had become comfortable now. He'd just live the way he always had, preferring men to women and blaming it on being young. So where does Kairi come into all this?
When Sora was fourteen, he was still very opposed to these unwelcome feelings. He was convinced that boys should like /girls/, not other boys. He would do anything to uphold this moral in his mind, even if his body and heart told him otherwise. He then became dead-set on finding a girlfriend. He didn't just want to pull one out of thin air, so he considered who he was close to. His options were Selphie and Kairi. Selphie was just a bit too hyperactive, even for him, so he went for easy-going Kairi. She was nice, pretty, and he thought she had kind of a crush on him already.
So it was settled. He would go for Kairi, trying to make her fall for him. Maybe if he had a girlfriend these feelings would go away and he'd like girls? He was just fooling himself. In his pursuit for Kairi, however, it would seem he had competition. Riku, his best friend and rival, decided that he wanted the girl as well. Sora tried to dismiss it as rivalry but couldn't shake the feeling that he /had/ to win her and that he'd probably be beaten. Riku was, after all, stronger, faster, and a bit more attractive than Sora. Plus, he had that older man thing going, even if he was only just under a year older (Sora and Riku are the same age for three months while Riku is older the rest of the time. Sora and Kairi are a month apart, Kairi being the younger.). Kairi's affections seemed torn, however, and she sent mixed signals to both boys. Maybe it was just as well. It wouldn't really matter if she loved either of them.
When all the shit went down, Sora realized that he didn't love Kairi. Sure, she was a great girl, fun to hang around with and talk to, but not to love. He would soon love another anyway. But even after everything ended, even after Sora returned to Destiny Islands after finding Riku, Kairi still clung to him. He didn't really mind. After all, just because he could tell /himself/ he was gay didn't mean the whole island had to know. A year he had been absolutely sure he'd never like a girl that way, and he was the only one who knew.
Sora sighed and thumped his head on the desk again. Inspiration was slipping. He had told Kairi he was drained. He knew why. It was because he felt he'd never know true happiness. He'd never wake up wrapped in the arms of another man, he'd never know what it was like to have a real kiss, not fake like those he shared with Kairi. He'd never be able to tell his crush how he really felt.
Ah, his crush. Perhaps the most beautiful boy to ever set foot on Destiny Islands. Strong, lean, handsome. Sora found himself grinning stupidly at these images. He loved this boy, for what it was worth, but the other would never know. Sora idly wondered if being around him so much was good because at least he could talk to him and touch him casually, even mock-flirt with him, or if it was torture, being so close to something he'd surely never have. Even if the latter were true, though, he wouldn't be able to tear himself away from Riku. They were too close to let that happen. They were best friends. And perhaps nothing more.
Sora sat up, inspiration suddenly smacking him in the face. He grinned widely and began to type. A sappy romance, if nothing else, was materializing on the screen. Sora was getting lost in his fervor, these characters seeming to control him and will what he wrote. Then, he stopped rather abruptly, in a cliffhanger, "to be continued" kind of spot. He re- read his work to check for grammar and spelling. He was proud that there were no errors. His work was perfect. He had to show someone. What time was it? 2:47. Well, it was worth a shot.
He picked up the phone and dialed Riku's number. The phone rang twice before it was picked up.
"What?" Came Riku's tired greeting.