Author's Corner

Just saying now, this is gonna be awful. Like seriously, this is probably one of the most depressing things I'm going to write, mostly because, the premise of this—short, can I just clarify—multi-chaptered fic is fuckin' depressing. Written as sort of a companion piece/prequel to another fic of mine: Running Blind (you don't have to have read it to be able to read this, but if you enjoy this of course I recommend reading that too!)

Since I have too much love for the Greene sisters and I've never wrote a fic for them, I decided to go ahead and make this. It's third person POV through Maggie and Beth's intrusive narrations, and it's set after the mid season finale of season four when they all split off at fall of the prison (looking back things were so easy back then). As for pairings, I'll use the established relationships like Glenn and Maggie, but Daryl and Beth was more implied at this point in canon rather than being an actual legit pairing, so things like that will be more discrete.

The purpose of this is to show the relationship between the Greene sisters, or at least... Maggie's side more so, because of what happened in fucking Coda.

Since Running Blind follows Beth actually surviving the bullet and journeying away from Atlanta to find Team Family, it's predominantly set through her intrusive POV (as well of the few others I use), and I wanted to write something similar only with Maggie. And I feel like Maggie's behaviour in season four, at least where Beth is concerned, is so misunderstood by this fandom. So yeah, I'm gonna touch on that. (by the way I know Running Blind is written in past tense and this is in present but I'm the author and I can do what I want lmao)

I don't know why I've rambled on so much here, I'm not even intending for this fic to be very long, but I just thought I'd give you some insight if you're not familiar with my other works, and maybe encourage you to give them a read. So thanks for reading all this (if you even did) and I hope you enjoy the story.

Summary: Haunted by guilt over abandoning Beth, Maggie suffers a horrific inner turmoil over her sister's missing status, and not even Glenn's comfort is enough to chase the monsters of what she's done away. As nights pass by, she discovers she's programmed with one lone question in regards to her sibling, and finds herself constantly wondering: "Where are you?"

(Set in the Running Blind universe, but you don't have to have read that to read this because this is set before the events of that fic, and acts essentially as a prequel/missing footage.)

Character(s): Maggie Greene, Beth Greene, Daryl Dixon, Glenn Rhee. (+)

WHERE ARE YOU?

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Where are you? she thinks as she lays beneath the dusty blankets on the floor of the small department store they're all holed up in.

Glenn shifts beside her and makes a sleepy murmur, then swallows thickly, brushing a hand across her stomach and lightly squeezing her hip. His eyes are closed and his breathing is even, indicating deep sleep, and Maggie smiles gently at the peaceful sight, before returning to her loudly blaring thoughts.

Where are you?

Ever since she'd stepped off the bus to look for Glenn and left her there, ever since she saw it driving away from behind a barricade of cars beside Bob and Sasha, ever since she'd searched and searched for Glenn, Glenn, and only Glenn . . . jaws of guilt have been snapping at her.

Guilt.

At leaving her baby sister there, alone and defenceless.

Where are you? she wonders with a heart full of heavy beach stones. Did you get away on the bus? Who are you with now? Are you safe?

Did you even get out at all?

That's the question that nags her brain daily, and what makes it ten times worse is that the answer to that question was very probably . . . no.

No.

Just like Daddy . . . Beth was probably dead. And Maggie knows it's her own damn fault.

She swallows the lump at the back of her throat and turns onto her side away from Glenn, leaving his hand falling from her stomach and laying on the dirty sheet they're laid on.

She stares into the flickering shadows down the store aisle she's eye-level with and feels the sting of tears prickling in her eyes.

We all got jobs to do.

We don't get to get upset.

She sniffs acutely and blinks any building tears away.

Her persistence and painful optimism are what brought her back to Glenn, helped them come together again, but none of that optimism was directed at Beth. And that made the guilt eat away harder. Because she'd given up on her little sister, left her for dead, and buried her in the deepest, darkest corners of her mind because she just couldn't face the images of blonde braids and soft singing that always came back to haunt her. Couldn't face the never judgemental or blaming smile her little sister flashed at her through eyes brimming with tears, her bright yellow sundress muddy from falling over and her knees red and scabbed.

But even so . . . She still wondered.

Where are you?

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Beth likes to look up at the stars from her perch on the log beside the fire Daryl is trying to stoke.

She likes to watch the crowded cluster of distant stars shining down their light onto the earth below, because it reminds her of when she and Maggie used to do the very same back home. Daryl grunts with annoyance when he can't generate enough spark to set the logs alight and Beth shifts her gaze to him momentarily to see him get down on his hands and knees to try blowing into the pile of wood. He makes more progress doing that, and smoke rises from the heart of the pile, and before long there are tiny orange embers burning through the logs and rising up to try touch the vast night sky.

She smiles and tilts her head up again, watching the speckled white constellations, and remembers life on the farm before the turn.

She and Maggie used to love doing this, used to purposely make time for it, even during their busy schedules. They used to do it first when they were very little – Maggie barely eleven, and Beth only a young toddler. They would lay on the grassy slope on one side of the farmhouse on their backs, gazing up at the night sky, until Shawn came out and told them to come back inside. Neither of them were exactly astrology nerds, but for some reason they just really, really loved it.

There was something about watching the night sky. Something the two of them connected with, despite their different mothers, and it's that something that brought them together.

It carried on during their teenage years, and even when it got a little harder to find time for it, with Maggie going away for college, and Beth being busy with exams . . . whenever Maggie came home for the summer, she would deliberately turn down going out with her friends, just so she could sit with Beth on their grassy slope.

Even when Jimmy came into the equation, and Maggie was indulging in her fair share of boyfriends, they still made time for their time beneath the stars. Their time. Beth and Maggie Greene beneath the night sky, watching the owls and nocturnal insects fly overhead in the mugginess of the Georgia weather.

Where are you now? Beth wonders, the fond memories warming her from within yet also feeding a subtle flame of sorrow.

Pining, for those memories to become reality again.

Did you find Glenn? Did you find him in the chaos of the attack? Are you with him now? Are you safe . . . ?

Are you looking for me?

Beth has no doubt at all that Maggie had made it out of there alive, because how can she have doubt? It's Maggie. Her brave elder sister who knows to take care of herself, and others too. She'd have found Glenn and got them both out safely, and they'd be out there now too, sleeping in the trees and wondering the same as her and Daryl . . .

Who else made it out?

Did anyone else even make it out? Daryl certainly didn't think so, but maybe he did and was just trying not to get his hopes too high to avoid running the risk of being disappointed. That, she could understand.

But Maggie wasn't going to disappoint Beth.

She never did.

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"What'd'ya mean, Beth was with me? Where is she now!?"

Daryl squirms uncomfortably as Maggie advances in on him, eyes blown wide with shock and disbelief at his words.

The darkness of the train car they're trapped in does little to hide the intense luminosity in her eyes, and Maggie knows he feels awkward because of her reaction to learning that Beth actually survived and escaped the prison. He told her they'd been together for a while, before she'd been taken under the cover of darkness one night, and there was nothing he could've done to stop it from happening.

He ran after the car, he did that, but he couldn't catch it. He tried, but he didn't try hard enough because she'd still been taken.

At least he tried at all, the harsh part of her mind snapped bitterly.

You hardly did.

"But she's alive?" she asks desperately, close to tears.

"She's alive."

She sinks back into a sitting position and lifts her hands to cup her mouth. Glenn comes closer and plants a hand on her shoulder, and she puts hers over his and squeezes.

Beth's alive, or was when Daryl last saw her, but Maggie's basically already given up all hope that she possibly could be. So where is she now? Is she okay? Is she still alive? And is she wondering where her big sister has gone, and why she hasn't come looking for her?

Where are you now?

Oh, Beth. Where are you?

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Grady is a strange place, and Beth's not entirely sure how she's supposed to get out.

It's not like the prison, where she can find Daryl and run off into the wilderness with him, and it's not like the farm, where Lori can come take her hand and drive her away from the burning vicinity with T-Dog.

She's alone. Completely, and truly, alone.

She wonders if anyone will come to save her. If Daryl had seen the car and gone chasing, or if Maggie will come rescue her little sister. She wonders if Maggie even knows she's here. Probably not, because she might not even know she's alive, never mind that she's been kidnapped by fake police officers. She doesn't even know where Maggie is, so it's highly unlikely that she'll be able to track her down all the way to a hospital in Atlanta.

There's no one coming to save her, no one guaranteed to even know where she is, so there's only one way to get out of here. And she'll have to do it alone.

You ain't never gonna see Maggie again!

She walks down the hallway to where Edwards is waiting for her.

We'll see about that.

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Maggie doesn't know if she's ever felt greater disappointment than when she sees Tyreese emerge from the wooden cabin in the woods with Judith in his arms . . . without Beth. She glances over at Daryl and knows he feels the same disappointment, because his expression sinks and his lower lip literally trembles. He feels the same as her, like he's failed her, like it's all his fault she's gone, and there's nothing either of them can do about it.

They don't know where she is, or if she's even still breathing.

But we gotta believe.

That's what Daryl said when she mentioned bitterly that Beth might not even still be alive.

It surprised her, hearing him say that. It surprised everyone really.

His faith. His faith in her.

When they're all huddled together by candlelight in the church a couple of days later, Maggie sneaks another glance at Daryl. She catches him discretely blowing out a few candles around him, cloaking himself in a pale dimness that's not exactly dark, but filled with considerably less light than the rest of the church. She doesn't know why he's blowing out the candles, or why he's doing it so subtly as if to avoid people noticing. Like he's afraid of the answer he'll have to give if they ask why he's doing it.

He glances over and meets her eyes.

He freezes when he realises she's seen what he's doing, and his expression is bathed in dismay. And shame. Like she's caught him doing something absolutely awful, and is expecting her to lash out and shout at him, though she can't think of any reason why.

He gets up eventually, abandoning his unfinished can of clumpy soup, and walks out of the church, presumably to look for Carol, who's been absent for a while now.

Maggie considers following him and questioning his odd behaviour that came about after Beth's vacancy, but remembers the look in his eyes when she caught him blowing out the candles and decides against it. Whatever it is, he's clearly still struggling with it himself, meaning the last thing he needs is someone else coming and pestering him about it. So she lets him walk out through the church doors and instead focuses on Sasha's warm grip on her hand.

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Where are you, Maggie?

Beth hadn't thought the hospital could get any worse until Edwards betrayed her trust and manipulated her into killing one of his own enemies for him.

She'd dealt with Gorman, she'll deal with Dawn when it comes to it, and Noah is already home free, so there's nothing at stake anymore. The only obstacle standing in her way now, apart from Dawn . . . is Edwards. And she is not staying in this awful place any longer, even if Daryl or Maggie don't come rescue her.

She can take care of herself now. And she will.

But as she stalks towards the cowardly doctor from the shadows of the corridor, she notices the body being wheeled in on the wounded tray, and lifts her scarred and battered head slowly to get a look at the newest hospital prisoner . . .

It's Carol.

Her pulse triples in that moment with relief, exhilaration, confusion, and dread. Excitement, because if Carol's here that means others must be close by; but dread, because if she's here too . . .

She can't afford to be careless with who she bludgeons with tiny medical scissors.

She has to be careful now. And clever, very clever. But to some extent, she knows she's already the latter, because she's always been able to do that. Right since the start. With every, We're just swimmin', Daddy, and, Joan was lookin' for you, I saw her and Gorman headed towards your office.

Beth might not be Michonne or Carol or Maggie, but she knows now that she can manipulate people with innocent words and by batting her eyelashes.

She has a strength, and now it's time to drop the quiet mousy act and show it.

I don't know where you are now, she thinks of her sister again as Carol's wheeled into the operating room by Edwards and the wards, but I will get back to you. I will get out of here and find you, and I'll know where you are when I do. And then you'll know where I've been, and what I've done to get back to you.

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She feels like she's made the wrong choice by agreeing to go with Abraham and his party to D.C. She feels like she's made a fatal mistake, like this decision will make something really wrong in the long-run, but she made a promise to go, so she does. Her and Glenn with Tara, Abraham, Rosita, and Eugene.

What about Beth? she sometimes thinks, in the back of the fire truck.

It feels like she's leaving her, wherever she may be, and the guilt comes back again and chews at her arteries; laps up all the blood that shoots out with its slimy forked tongue.

Where are you?

Christ. Beth. Where ARE you?

Glenn says she'll be fine. Rick and the others will find her. She'll be safe. They don't have to worry. Of course, she'll be safe if they find her, but what if they don't?

Daryl won't stop until he's found and brought her home, Maggie knows that now, but she's still wondering just why he's so intent on doing that. Why he'll stop at nothing to believe in her, and bring her back where she belongs.

Then I realised something else, that I don't want you in danger ever.

Are there different ways to say I love you? Maggie thinks there are. So is it possible that Glenn's words to her on the farm . . . mean something similar to Daryl's unreservedly desperate quest to find Beth? Persistence and painful optimism are what brought her back to Glenn, and those qualities are just the beginning of what Daryl's showing in his search for her sister.

He has hope.

Whatever happened during their time alone before she went missing, whatever took root between the two . . . Beth somehow managed to slide a little bit of hope into Daryl Dixon. And maybe that means something in itself too, something Maggie thinks she won't ever be able to fully understand what that means, but she can appreciate it.

And maybe she can put her faith in something as well.

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Beth sits with her legs dangling off the edge of the Grady Memorial Hospital's elevator shaft, staring down into the deep green-blue hue below, and thinking just how easy it would be . . . to jump . . .

She won't, obviously, but in that moment she wants to. The urge to completely obliterate herself being so intensely strong right there, but that's just because it's psychologically proven to be the strongest emotion a person can possibly feel. Except Beth thinks there's at least one emotion stronger than that, and it's that that's keeping her from leaning forward and tumbling down like Alice and the rabbit hole, only there'd be no Wonderland down at the pit of this opening. There's just one emotion stronger than that.

Hope.

Hope is stronger than the unexplainable yearning for death, and it's the hope of getting out of here that keeps her going. Getting out with Carol and seeing their family again. Carol hasn't woken up yet, but Beth knows there'll be someone with her, someone in the city who can help them, and that gives her hope.

Are you here, Maggie? Are you here with Carol? Did you find out where I was and come after me? Do you know where I am now? I still don't know where you are, or if you're even out there anymore, but I have to believe you are . . . I have to . . .

Because it's all I've got.

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Michonne says Beth's alive. She's in a hospital in Atlanta, and Daryl and the rest are on their way to her now. A boy called Noah from the hospital met her, and they have to leave to join them now. To save Beth, and Maggie almost cries the tears she's been fighting so long at the incredible news.

Because she knows where she is. Finally, she knows.

And she's alive.

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The hospital hallway is crowded with people, cops and her friends alike, but there's one particular face that's missing, and it makes Beth's heart sink to see it vacant.

Maggie isn't there.

There's Rick, Daryl, Tyreese, Sasha, and Noah. A small abundance of their original prison group, and Beth tries to calm herself by thinking they might've only sent a few to come and do the trade, because it would be stupid to send everyone in at once. It would be stupid . . .

But still.

Maggie isn't there.

Maggie, Glenn, Michonne, others too . . . They're missing, and she can understand why some aren't there, and why they haven't all come in, butMaggie . . .

She's her sister.

Surely she would've come if she could. Surely she would've . . . Surely . . .

You ain't never gonna see Maggie again!

Carol reaches her hand for Beth's and she takes it, squeezing the woman's hand for support. Rick makes his speech about the terms and agreements of the trade, but all Beth can think of is the question that's been stuck in her head since she fled the prison.

Where are you?

It's on her mind when Daryl comes forward to push Carol back to their group in her wheelchair, and it's still on her mind when Dawn grabs her by the arm and delivers her to Rick in the middle.

He plants a large hand on her shoulder and presses his mouth to the crown of her head, where he plants a hard kiss at the top of her skull and rubs her forearm firmly. A gesture she recognises as an apology, a promise, and a display of credence. The I'm sorry that she didn't even know she wanted. He lets her walk past after he's done that, and Daryl reaches out as she passes him and plants a strong hand on her shoulder too, giving her a light shake to make her look at him. His eyes are shining, and she'd hug him in any other situation, but it isn't the time for that, so she represses the wave of relief and utter joy that's washed over her upon seeing him, and instead settles on a watery smile with a tiny nod.

"Now I just need Noah."

And then it all goes to hell, and the question in Beth's mind changes as she walks towards Dawn with the scissors poking out of the cast on her wrist. In her mind, as she whispers the breathy, I get it now, and plunges the weapon into Dawn's shoulder.

Where were you?

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Grady Memorial Hospital's parking lot comes into view through the window of the fire truck, and Maggie can't wipe the smile of eager bliss off her face.

Michonne is clasping her hand and Glenn has his arm around her shoulders, but Maggie's thoughts are entirely devoted to Beth.

I found you. I found you.

I'm coming.

The fire truck parks and she practically leaps out, drawing her gun just to be safe and following the others into the back part of the building. There are walkers emerging from behind the cars but they take care of them, and Maggie notices the door to the building opening and bites at her lip to suppress her giddy grin.

Rick comes out first, and she smiles at him but he avoids her gaze. His posture is somewhat slumped and his expression isn't victorious in any sense, in fact, it looks like there are tears in his eyes threatening to spill. His eyes dart to Michonne, who's smiling with anticipation too, and gives her a subtle shake of his head, then walks over to stand in an empty spot in the parking lot.

Sasha comes out next, gun held tight in her hands, and she avoids looking at everyone completely, walking with purpose and a silent rage in her step.

Tyreese and Carol follow behind, her hand clasped in his with him supporting her like she's seriously hurt herself, and their expressions are defeated and melancholy too. In fact, it looks like Carol's crying. Maggie sees a boy she assumes is Noah standing by the entrance holding the door open, staring at his feet, with an expression absorbed by guilt and regret.

Then she sees who comes out last . . . and who he's carrying.

She catches a glimpse of Daryl, but the view is still partially obscured by Tyreese and Carol . . . until they walk to the side and Maggie sees the spectacle in full.

She screams.

Drops her gun and screams, then falls to the ground and wails, all those tears she'd held for so long leaking down her cheeks and mixing with snot. Screaming as Glenn kneels behind her and folds his arms around her from the bag, holding her together like she's going to shatter into a hundred tiny little pieces.

Because there she is . . . her little baby sister . . . she's found her at last . . .

But she's dead in Daryl's arms.

NO. NOT THIS. NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE GOD, IF YOU ARE UP THERE, PLEASE NOT THIS. YOU SADISTIC FUCKING BASTARD.

Daryl's sobbing silently as he walks forward with her hanging limply in his arms, her oh god it's so bloody head having fallen against his chest and bouncing with his every step. Her beautiful blonde ponytail is streaked with blood, blood everywhere, covering the top of her head and having splattered around her forehead.

There's not actually that much blood, but it's still too much, it's too much fucking blood, and Maggie screams again as Daryl stops at the center of the group's formation and squeezes his sticky eyes shut, shoulders heaving with his sobs. She feels Glenn still leaning behind her, hugging her tightly from behind, squeezing her so tight despite her thrashing and silently reassuring her he's there, but she can't stop screaming; can't stop crying; can't stop looking at her like that, sagging like a broken doll.

Where are you?

All those nights spent wondering . . . Every little thing that happened to push her in the direction of having just a tiny sliver of hope . . .

The world feels like it's gone silent apart from the sound of screaming and sobbing, and a white noise fills her ears. It might stay silent forever now. She can't think of a reason for it to ever coax its birds into singing again, not now the bird with the sweetest and most beautiful song had fallen from the branches.

She wishes she'd never found her.

Not if it was going to be like this.

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Author's Corner

Well. That was fun. Next chapter will dive more into the whole Where is Beth/Beth lives? side of the idea, so if you don't like that then I advise you don't continue after this chapter. Unless your heart is broken like mine by the last few paragraphs of this and want something that's maybe a little happier? But who the fuck am I kidding, this fic is a misery fest.

Let me know what you thought and please don't come after me with pitchforks because I don't mean to hurt you :')