AU where lycanthropy is actually a debilitating disease where the victim does not transform, but slowly starts losing their mind to the wolf over time. Wolfstar.

It starts like this. Remus, staring into amber eyes, not his own. And it ends like this. Remus, staring into amber eyes, not his own, but sitting in his face like they belonged there.

Remus sits quietly on the train next to his friends, plastered against Sirius's warm side and somebody's pile of luggage. They're laughing, talking about their summers, and Remus leans his head against Sirius's shoulder and tries not to think about hospitals and needles poking into his arms and throwing up all over the tile. Sirius's head tilts and he gives Remus a funny, pleased smile that makes his stomach twist.

He's not ready.

Remus closes his eyes so that he doesn't have to meet Sirius's.

When he opens them again it's because Sirius is elbowing him in the ribs and when he sits up James is pulling his school robes over his head and Peter is shoving sweets into his pockets.

"Alright Rem?" Sirius asks, and Remus's stomach flips over. He swallows hard so he doesn't throw his breakfast up all over their shoes.

"Fine," he says, and lets Sirius tug and pull at him until they're both on their feet. Their lips brush and James groans and Pete laughs.

He's not ready. He wants more time.

And it ends like this. Remus leaning against the bathroom counter, his wet shirt clinging to him and a sheen of sweat on his forehead.

And it ends like this. Sirius Black, leaning his forehead against the other side of the door. "Remus? Everything okay?"

"Fine," Remus says hoarsely. He closes his eyes against his reflection so he doesn't claw them out. He grips the counter until his knuckles are white. "Fine," he says, softer.

He hasn't told them yet. That he's losing his mind to the wolf and probably won't even make it to Yule. How could he?

He unlocks the door and Sirius pushes through and kisses him, too hard, too much teeth and tongue, but real. Alive.

He wants more time.

And it ends like this. Remus, on his hands and knees in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. He's out of breath from running and running and the wind is howling in his ears. Or maybe he's the one howling. He can't even remember his own name, his own life, except in flashes, mostly of Sirius's face.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

"Run," he tells Sirius because this is the last thing that he wanted. The last thing.

Sirius doesn't run. "Remus," he says, sounding wreaked.

And Remus grasps at that, frantically, at his name.

He's not ready.

And it starts like this. Remus, staring into amber eyes, not his own. And it ends like this. Remus, staring into amber eyes, not his own, but sitting in his face like they belonged there.

He wants to apologize. He wants to tell Sirius how much he loves him. But he doesn't remember how to speak.