You wanted this, on some level.

Yes, you trusted her to take care of it, to take care of herself . But she was good, and she wanted to believe the best of people, deep down (despite the occupational hazards), so you could see it coming. You could see it simmering until it exploded, a mess of a relationship she would turn a blind eye to, or try to fix until she was simply so, so exhausted that she couldn't try anymore.

You should have wanted to spare her the pain, even if you knew you couldn't.

But was it so terrible that you were happy, happy that man who didn't deserve her no longer had any claim on her time, her attention, her heart?
(Well, you were lying to yourself there, too. He would likely always be somewhere in her heart. She had lived with him, married him, entwined her life with his so that it was so, so painful to untangle.
You knew what that was like. The imprints were still there; only the edges eroded with time.)

It wasn't that you deserved her either, even if your world brightened a little when she was around. Jenkins, god, Andrew Jenkins had picked up on that. That hadn't been planned, and you were so, so afraid when you realized.

You admitted it to yourself that night, when no one was there to hear.

It was half a dream come true, when Gillian left Alec.