It was a long one month. At last here is an update.
Read in.
A (not so) small change in one's life.
Chapter 9 part 1
"To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering." - Nietzsche
"Hachiman"
This voice…
"Hachiman!"
I am surrounded by an overwhelming darkness. I turn around, yet I can't see anything. I then notice a silhouette. A girl. I know her. I've seen her too many times.
Everything blurs and soon I can't recognize any shapes and I am once again surrounded by the obscurity.
Through the misty and blurry air I can hear her words…
"Don't fall in love with…"
And it all becomes nil.
...
...
I woke up. My head was spinning. A nightmare? I looked around. Unfamiliar ceiling, unfamiliar room. There was someone lying close to me. Holding my hand.
I looked at her. It was Saki. Her hair was a mess. There were traces of tears on her saddened face. Her blouse was loosened a bit. She was breathing slowly, calmly. Her chest going up and down. A moment had passed and she moved a bit and slowly, ever so hesitantly opened her eyes. Her blue eyes were looking absentmindedly for a tiny fraction of a second. She then turned her gaze to me. I looked away. And then… She hugged me. She embraced me. And cried.
"Hachiman, don't ever do it again. Don't even try."
"I'm sorry. What happened?"
I couldn't remember anything. The last thing I was capable of recalling was friday's night.
"I wanted to ask you this! Don't you remember what happened? You were found by Reiji, nearly jumping off the bridge. He wanted to keep you from doing it, but you fought with him. You didn't want him to help you. He overwhelmed you and then took you here to his apartment." her voice was filled with reproach and care seemingly contradicting each other.
"What happened Hachiman, why would you do this?" Her eyes now filled with tears were looking angrily at me. She was mad, but even more so she was sad.
I started to remember, to recall the things that happened. Haruno, Iroha. Iroha and Hayato. Everything after that was blurred and chaotic. I remembered myself standing on the edge and...
"I'm sorry." I said quietly.
I hugged her back. Her warmth was soothing. Her breath spilling down my back was calming.
"Don't do it again. Never."
She then caressed my back.
I kept silent and then I cried.
…
...
I finally calmed down. It was over. I was already calm. Saki was hugging me and I gently moved her away.
"I am fine, really."
I stood up only to get hit by Reiji.
"That's for being an egoistic dick, you bastard."
I fell down on the floor. Saki screamed. And then Reiji offered me a hand. I looked at him bewildered. His eyes were calm now.
"I hope you won't do something stupid like this again." I stood up and then he patted me on my back.
"I am sorry we couldn't help you when you needed help most." he said and looked as if he wanted to say something more, but he refrained. His hair was in disorder just like Saki's. He looked exhausted and I saw a few bruises here and there. As I wanted to ask him about it Saki interfered.
"Let's eat." after these simple words reverberated in the room we sat down at the table.
I looked around. It seems it was one of the typical rental apartments for students. Nothing gaudy, but it was nice either way.
Reiji brought coffee with some bread and jam and placed it on the table.
He sported a typical black tracksuit. His eyes were hesitantly looking at the things he brought and after a moment he stood up only to bring 3 mugs. He then looked at each of us and both Saki and I signalled to him that we both wanted to drink. He poured the hot liquid of joy into our mugs. The room was filled with the aroma of coffee. I took a sip.
Bitter. Too bitter.
I looked around searching for sugar. Reiji noticed my wandering look.
"You need something?" he asked calmly.
"Er… Do you have sugar, by any chance?" I asked tentatively.
He looked at me and then stood up silently. He moved to the cupboard and after a few second he was back with a glass of sugar in one of his hands. Glass?
He placed it on the table and as soon as he did that I started to shower my coffee in the ultimate bliss.
"You sure like your coffee sweet, huh?" Saki said looking at me carefully.
I nodded.
"Well, world is too bitter so at least coffee should be sweet, doesn't it sound logical, right?" I said quietly as I poured the 4th spoon.
She laughed gently.
I was bewildered. I couldn't recall her laughing in the past. The image was atypical, but it was a pleasant view nonetheless.
"On the other hand…" Reiji started. I looked at him. So did Saki.
"If your coffee is too sweet than anything else will seem to be bitter in comparison." he said rather solemnly. His eyes were fixed on the black fluid inside of his white mug.
I didn't reply, honestly there is nothing I could say back if he said it like this.
"You two are sure different." Saki said with a smile fixed on her lips.
"I was surprised when Reiji told me he befriended you." I coughed on the friend part.
"Ah..? So you prefer the word Gym Bro, huh?" she looked at me, her lips curled in a mischievous smirk.
I choked.
"But seriously, though you're so different, in a way you're also similar in the way you differ… I don't know if it makes any sense the way I put it." she put a finger to her temple making her seem to be thinking hard about it.
"Maybe, I don't know." I replied rather nonchalantly.
The atmosphere was rather cheerful, but at the same time it was immensely tense. I couldn't blame them. I too was rather strained and didn't like the way our little talk was evading the obvious topic. I guess I need to be the one to speak up.
I put the mug to my lips and took one sip. Sweet. So, everything else should look bitter in comparison, huh?
"I guess you want to know what happened, r-ight?" I stuttered a bit.
They nodded silently.
I took another sip and began to speak.
"Where should I start? You both know that Iroha and I were going out together, right?"
I asked.
"Yeah. Saki told me." as soon as Reiji said it, Saki hit him with her elbow. He looked at her confused.
I looked at them a bit surprised and continued my talk.
"So, yeah. She confessed to me and I said yes." I looked at Saki. -...-
"I don't really know. I mean, why?" I said as if to no-one. I recalled the scenes. Iroha was strangely aggressive in her approach. I felt pathetic, because I remembered that if not for the body contact and her behaviour I might have been able to say no. It were just my carnal desires clouding my reasoning...
"At first I was reluctant. I wasn't sure of it." I said with a half-smile.
"Things progressed hastily yet steadily and I think…" I stuttered.
"That I might have fallen for her." something discouraged me from saying it aloud.
"And then there was yesterday. Haruno had made me go to that caffe."
"I didn't know why she'd do that. I still don't know."
I thought for a second and decided not to bother with her story. Now was the hard part.
"So, we were sitting in a cafe. She chose a rather nice spot." A one I'd choose myself.
"You would be able to see anyone in the restaurant, but you yourself would be quite unnoticeable."
"After a moment Iroha came. Right after her was Hayama." Or maybe it was the other way? He went first? Nah, I guess him being a true gentleman meant that he let her go in first. Why am I thinking about such trivial things…
I curled my fist.
"I wanted to go there. I think I might have subconsciously known where this was going. So I wanted to stop it. To stop it. To not let them…"
I sighed and took another sip of the coffee.
"But Haruno wanted me to stay put. I listened to her…"
I looked at my foot. Funny there was some blood on my shoes. Was it mine?
"Well… And then they... "
"They started to be more clingy. Hayama did ask her if it was ok. He said that I was her boyfriend"
"Iroha said that it didn't matter. That I didn't matter and …" I looked blankly in front of me. Remembering the scene. It hurt. My head hurt while doing so, still I had to do it.
"and she said she loved him". I looked down at my mug. Something fell into it. And once more. Again and again more drops fell down into the coffee. Funny, it shouldn't be raining here. We're inside.
I looked up and took a breath. I wept my tears and continued.
"So I stood up. I went to them. I hit him. And I went out."
My voice seemed distant. As if it wasn't really mine.
"So I ran somewhere. I don't know where…"
I smiled.
"I found myself on a bridge. I don't.. I don't really know where it was…"
"I looked at the black water. It was deep and it seemed so nice. It was mesmerizing me. I wanted to look at it."
"But then… Did I fall down?" I looked at Reiji. He was smiling.
"It wasn't a bridge to be exact. It wasn't a river. It was a small brook, probably because of the recent rain. I happened to be walking there and when I noticed you you fell down from the pavement. I wanted to help you, but you struggled and kicked and punched. You even resorted to biting." He was still smiling.
"You were talking nonsense about the life not being worth to live. Eventually you got tired and passed out. I took you then here."
Oh… That sounded quite inglorious.
"I guess you'd like to know what happened next." Reiji continued.
"So, as Kawasaki-san is my neighbour and since I knew you two were…" He made a small pause, his eyes focused on the void.
"..Acquaintances. I decided to call her to help me."
Now it was Saki who wanted to say something.
"I sent Komachi a message through Taishi and made sure that your family wouldn't be worried."
Through this rodent? Eh… I guess it's partly my fault...
...
...
I took a breath in and out…
I opened the door and braced myself, took a few steps in and…
Nothing happened.
"I am home.." My voice echoed throughout the house.
I sighed. It seems my absence was almost unnoticeable. I took off my shoes and went into the kitchen to grab something to drink. My mother was there standing and holding a mug of coffee in her hand. She looked at me calmly.
"Welcome home. Have you eaten?"
Her eyes were watching me carefully.
"Yeah. I've already eaten."
She hummed silently.
"Okay. That's good then. Take care."
As soon as she said it she moved carefully towards the door and as she was right in front of it she added.
"Oh… And Komachi is outside doing shopping. Remember to thank her for it, it's actually your duty."
And so she went out of the kitchen.
I didn't really know if she knew anything, if she suspected anything or not. My mother is a mysterious woman.
…
...
I was lying on my bed and pondering. Thinking about… Things.
Reiji told me not to hold any grudge against Iroha. That it wouldn't be good for me. I quite get it. It's the best choice and I agree with it. I fully agree, but… it's quite hard.
Not the part about not holding any grudge, but actually the things that were left unspoken. That I should have a clean cut from her. Iroha and I should be like parallel lines, professedly close to each other yet never crossing each other's path. That's what he meant by it. No grudges meant making it easier to forget about her, making it easier to move on and not ignore her per se, but actually make our paths separate. Not forcibly, but still parallel.
That's what's bugging me, because actually I am afraid that in the last days I kind of fell for her. She filled some kind of emptiness. Gave me warmth and I was happy, I wanted to fall for her.
But then… Hayato.
…
...
As I was walking together with Totsuka towards the canteen I heard some ruckus. There were two feminine figures standing against each other. One of them was Iroha and the other was Saki.
"You!" Saki exhaled sharply
"You.. bitch!" She made a strong step towards Iroha.
"Have you ever thought in your egotistical little head of yours about others? Ever?" her voice was filled with poison, never before have I seen her in such a state.
"Huh?! Why are you silent?" her eyes were filled with reproach, disgust and even envy?
A slap.
Iroha was looking at the floor.
"It's not like that…" She mumbled.
"Sure it's not like that. You lured him like a… witch, because it was fun? Was it funny? That's what you like to do? Right? Or did you want to play with others? Did you want to claim the prize?"
"Stop it, Saki." I stepped in.
She looked at me, askingly. I could feel anger beaming out of her.
"Please, Saki. There's no need to do any of this." I said calmly trying not to look at Iroha.
Even though I tried to follow Reiji's advice, it was painful to look at her.
"ry..." I heard someone.
"I am sorry.." Iroha said with a low voice, her eyes still cast on the floor. I looked at her. Why does it hurt so badly? Will the ache ever go away?
"It's nothing. I am fine, see." I tried to force a smile on my face.
"But, please… " I looked at her. Our eyes connected. This beautiful face, these joyful eyes, now dimmed.
"Stop bothering me from now on. Please." I uttered these words forcing myself to not give any signs of reproach, of attack. I wanted just to cut loose.
I took Saki's hand and turned around. Leaving Iroha behind I made my way to Totsuka.
…
…
*knock knock*
It was only Yukinoshita and me in the clubroom. Yuigahama was absent today.
"Come in" Yukinoshita's elegant voice reverberated throughout the room.
A small silhouette entered the classroom. Slowly, ever so reluctantly Iroha looked at us. Looked at me and then at Yukinoshita.
"Am… Excuse me, but could I borrow Senpai for a moment?" she said silently looking variably from me to Yukinoshita.
"I am sorry, but I don't think this club is meant for this. Have you got a request, some kind of problem in which the service club can help you?" Her voice was frigid. Her eyes were calm and cold.
"If not, then I am afraid there's nothing for you to do here." her words were sharp as razor.
Iroha looked at me. There were tears in her eyes. She whispered.
"Please.."
"Senpai, please…"
I stood up.
Yukinoshita looked at me, disappointed. Her mouth closed, but her eyes posing questions.
"Ok, a short talk can do no harm, I believe. I also want to ask you something." I said without any hint of emotion in my voice.
"I am sorry Yukinoshita-san, but I'll have to leave for a moment."
...
...
"Be angry with me!" she cried with her fists curled.
"Don't just ignore me! I hate that. I know I did wrong. I really know, but…"
I stood there silent.
"but it's not like that…"
"Not like that? I am pretty sure what I had heard on Friday made it pretty obvious. Your intentions that is."
She looked at me. Her tears didn't have such an influence on me, not anymore.
"It's that… I really wanted to be with you. That for one thing is true. But, when Hayama had shown signs of wanting to be with me… I … I lost my mind, I really shouldn't have, but it was a stupid impulse. Nothing more."
I stood silent. Motionless.
"I have never thought actually it would be possible with Hayato, I never thought it would really play out and when he approached me I couldn't believe that it was too good to be true and… and I lost my reasoning."
"But I am sure, that my feelings weren't false, they were true." she cried these words.
Maybe, what she was telling was true. I don't think it matters now. Not anymore.
I had one question in my mind.
"Tell me then why. Why had you been suddenly so aggressive in your approach if you still wanted to be with Hayama if the opportunity arose. Why were you so decisive, so fast?"
That one thing was making me ponder.
"It's just… I was sure sure you'd be snatched away. There were already all the signs. At that time I thought Hayato was out of my league and I really liked you. I was afraid I would be left with neither of you. I had to take action!"
I see, that's it.
"But you overlook one thing, there were no signs. Nothing was happening. I wouldn't be taken away." I said calmly.
"Are you stupid or what!?" she asked, the first time with anger in her voice.
"Are you really that oblivious? That dense?" she added.
"Yukinoshita, Yuigahama they were both clearly interested in you!"
"Everyone could see it! I guess even you saw it, but somehow rejected the idea."
"They were too tentative, so I guessed they wouldn't be a problem. I observed the 3 three of you and I was quite sure they wouldn't be brave enough to take any steps..."
She paused.
"But Kawasaki, on the other hand. I saw you and I knew it wouldn't take much time and you'd be taken from me. I'd be left alone." she hissed.
"I"
"I can't... I am not popular…" my voice was meek, almost nonexistent.
"For fuck's sake. How dense can one be!" she laughed ominously.
"I wouldn't have been surprised if even Hiratsuka-sensei was interested in you!" she spouted.
Her breath was heavy, hectic and chaotic. She was clearly annoyed by my obliviousness.
It made sense. I think I slowly started to understand it. There were girls around me that were interested in me. I guess I wanted to reject the idea, in fact I must have been doing that.
Maybe it was easier. Maybe it was the same case as with Hayama, but I did so unconsciously? I did not want to lose the quo status. I liked the life I have been having recently.
Yukinoshita, Yuigahama and Saki. It seems there were everywhere the signs of it, but I chose to not see them…
"I see." that was my only answer.
"Senpai, I know this may be futile. But, would you want to reconsider? My feelings are true. I've laid all the cards open. Can't we start anew?"
I hesitated. It was very tempting, I really started to love her, I guess. I might have not yet loved her, but I was falling in love with her. I needed someone, I was already sick of my solitude no matter how much I denied it.
This could be it, maybe…
"We can't. I am sorry, Iroha." in the end it was impossible. I wouldn't be able, at least I think so. I don't think I could make it work out…
"Please, it'll be easier for both of us if we distance ourselves. So, don't come near me." I said without any hint of reproach or ill intent. It really was the best solution.
I went back to the clubroom.
…
...
"Oh. So, how was it? Did you have fun playing with your girlfriend? Did you make up?" Yukinoshita's sharp words hit me just as I sat on my chair.
I sighed.
"No." she must have heard about the ruckus with Saki I believe. On the other hand from her sharp tongue I reckon she doesn't know about Hayato.
Her look softened after seeing my resignation.
"I didn't.. " she started huskily in a low voice.
"mean to hurt you." she finished almost whispering.
I looked at her. She really was beautiful, she could be the very epitome of beauty. It's not that I didn't know about it earlier, I knew, but only now have I realised that in its entire meaning.
She blushed and averted her gaze.
"If you want..."
She brushed her hair aside. Could she really… like me? Like someone like me in that sense? Yuigahama is another thing, I am sure I knew it somewhere deep inside that she wanted something, but Yukinoshita?
"I can listen to your story, if it helps you."
She smiled gently towards me.
"I will lend you my ear."
"I am not sure if I want to…" I said hesitantly.
"Oh? Is it that spicy of a story?" she teased. Her smile, though mocking was also very warm, almost not befitting of the icy princess.
...
…
"Why?"
He smiled.
"Why? Because I am not a good guy as you think."
Hayato's cheek was still red it seems, even with that little bruise he still looked incredibly handsome, I could tell that to my greatest annoyance.
We were both in a caffe. I was bewildered when Hayato phoned me after the club wanting to meet me. In fact I had also wanted to talk to him.
"That doesn't make any sense, you wouldn't want to do it." I wanted him to tell me the reason.
He smiled. He took a look at the mug with coffee right in front of him.
"You know how Yukinoshita and I were both childhood friends, right?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked annoyed.
"It does." he said.
He took a breath.
"I loved her. I think I still do, somewhere deep in my heart."
His smile twisted, contorted.
"But I fucked up, it's an old history not worth talking about."
"But still, I wanted the very best for her."
"I have been observing her ever since. I could only see one sad future and it would be revoluting. Her alone throughout her life. Pursuing some ambitions and goals she has just copied from her family. Living not her life, but someone's else. "
"I couldn't do anything for her. I mean, I've shattered the precious thing we had back then…"
"But then you came into the picture. I was both annoyed with you and jealous of you. How could it be that such a noone as you would be better than me? How could you possibly end with her."
"But I realised. You were meant for each other."
His face was full in pain, his smile twisted. He laughed, his laughter was a mix of tension, anger and bitterness. But it was honest.
"It pains me to say it, but you truly were. I don't think you'd be happy without her, nor would she without you. It's clearly from my point of view."
"And there was one person who shared my view."
"Haruno?" I guessed.
"Exactly." He replied swiftly.
"We're similar in that sense. We want both the best for Yukino."
"We wanted to see you both together. She had maybe some more grandiose plans or whatnot, but I for sure knew that would work out."
"But then Iroha came into the picture. She ruined it." He clenched his fist.
"I'd want to tell you that you wouldn't work together anyway. That even if you were to marry she'd somehow disappoint you in the end. That maybe you'd have a kid and then you'd go through a hurtful divorce."
"The truth is I don't know. I think it wouldn't work out, but I am not sure. Maybe you'd be happy? I believe and that friday was kinda proof that you weren't supposed to be together, but who knows?"
The same smile as before, there was pain in it.
"That's why. Haruno came to me and we both agreed on this. We knew how this would play out. We were certain and if Iroha wouldn't behave as we believed, that maybe was proof enough for you to be destined."
"But she did exactly as we thought."
"This way it's not game over yet."
"You see, I am not a good guy. I did it all of my selfish wishes."
I was silent. It seems Hayama had stopped talking.
A lot of wild emotions were running through my head.
Anger, confusion. Anger.
"How high do you think of yourself to be able to decide about others!" I finally speak.
"It's not like Yukinoshita would want to be with me in the first place, it's not said that it would work out with the both of us. How can you be so sure of yourself!?"
"I know. I know the both of you and in any case even if I have still some doubts I am certain that there won't be another person she'd open. You're the last chance."
He said coldly.
"I don't like you. I really don't, but it won't cloud my reasoning. It's the only chance for her to gain a normal life. Otherwise…"
"She'll eventually be betrothed to someone she doesn't really like. She'll go with it, for sure, for she doesn't want to disappoint anybody." he continued, coldly.
"With you, she could stand up. Both of us, Haruno and me saw that. We both saw that it could work out. Do you know how much guilt I feel? I really want the best outcome. It pains me to say it…"
"But you'd be the best outcome."
I didn't know what to say. It was just to sudden for me. I was silent.
"Please. You can save her…"
"No. She can't be saved by others. She has to save herself."
I quickly retorted.
"Maybe you're right, but she needs your help. No one else can help her." his voice was strong.
"You have to save her."
I was silent.
"I've laid the cards open, just as you've probably wanted me to do. I can't of course force you, but I hope you can see for yourself that it's the best way."
He stood up, he had once again a cheerful smile plastered on his face.
"I'll leave you to think about it. Have a nice day."
He took his not-yet empty coffee mug with himself and went out.
I despaired.
What… what should I do?
…
…
"Yahallo!" her gleeful voice was excruciating, she 'accidently' bumped into me as I was walking home, lost deeply in thought, from the caffe.
"You're in good mood Haruno-san." I stated the facts coldly.
"Of course I am." she said joyfully.
"Oh! Don't look at me that way. You make me be a monster, a psychopath, not a caring onee-san!" she laughed.
I bet you really are one.
"Even I had problems... with the… events on Friday. It's not that I enjoyed watching you break." her tone was back to normal. Her eyes carefully observing me.
"You see, I believe Hayato pretty much explained the whole thing, right?"
I didn't reply. I guess my lack of reply was just an affirmation for her.
"You're not very talkative today, are you?" she said mockingly.
"See, I for one am sure that that girl, what was her name? Iraha? Doesn't matter. I see the worst in people and trust me when I tell you that you'd eventually be unhappy with her and so would she. In fact she may even grow afterwards thanks to this experience, but if I let you be, she would surely and inevitably make you miserable. I could clearly see the future, maybe a little daughter of yours living half the time with you half with your ex wife or her cheating on you with every second guy? Doesn't matter, I am sure it would fail. You would be wasted. That's right. I am sure of it. I can see through girls like her. You would be wasted as an interesting person and believe me I can tell interesting people apart from the crowd."
Her monologue was very intense. She stretched her arms, closed her arms and sighed.
She looked than at me, gleefully.
"Remember the story from the other day?"
"You know. About the witch."
I nodded, involuntarily.
"Good. You see, there is also another version of the story." her smile was dark.
"The boy loved his village and the witch that held him dear once came to him. She told him and warned that he had to take everyone and leave, that they weren't safe in this place. She told him to go to a place quite far from their village, but she assured him that they'd be safe there."
"They would have to leave all their houses and their belongings, it would be very hard in the new place. They would also leave their peaceful life, for the other place seemed to be worse in terms of vegetation and food. He knew that very well. He also trusted the witch, at least now he knew she did not mean any harm, but he couldn't decide. He wanted to think about it. She hurried him, but he wanted to take some time to decide."
"You see he wanted to reach the correct conclusion. To decide correctly. The stakes were to high, you see? He could lose something precious."
"And one day a storm came. The lightning ignited all the houses, everything burnt to crisp. His peaceful old life was gone."
"He struggled so hard to decide and in the end he had lost everything, because he couldn't decide fast enough."
"Why are you telling me this?" My voice was expressionless.
"You understand it, right? You're the boy that has the choose. You'd better choose fast and trust the witch this time." she smiled.
"So, you want me to propose to Yukinoshita, or what?" I said sarcastically.
"No, you have just to decide on her. Deep down I know that you as well hold her dear, but you're probably divided. You don't know which to choose."
"I can tell you one thing. If you don't choose it soon, you will be left with none."
I was standing. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to reply in a witty way, but was somehow unable to.
"I know…"
I actually wrote the first 1/3 of the chapter just after the last update, but didn't find time to finish it. I am sorry for that. I don't promise anything, but I believe there should be an update within a few weeks. I am afraid I might have become a little bit rusty in my writing. If you find any errors/mistakes, please tell me. I am open for any feedback. Have a nice day :)