A/N: So. I made a second chapter for this. *flop*

Title: Glitter in the Air

Author: liketolaugh

Rating: T

Pairings: Link/Allen

Genre: Romance/Angst

Warnings: Alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, self-harm

Summary: When Link wakes up, Allen is drunk. It turns out to be a revealing experience.

Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.

"I fucked up, I always fucking fuck up!"

"Why the fuck don't you hate me?"

"I'm selfish! I'm needy!"

"Just make it fucking stop."

"I deserve this, I deserve to die."

"Why the fuck don't you hate me?"

Link couldn't sleep. He couldn't take his eyes off Allen, quietly (deeply) sleeping beside him, hearing his words echo in his mind, over and over. And he couldn't stop thinking about them.

Allen had sounded so- desperate. Miserable. And the self-hatred - Link was terrified, genuinely terrified, that Allen was going to try to kill himself, that Link would one day wake up to find Allen in a pool of his own blood, spilled by his own hand instead of that of the things they fought.

Was this why Allen was so reckless, so careless with his own life? Was this why he threw himself in the way of attacks, why he insisted on fighting no matter his injuries, why he-

Allen stirred, and Link stiffened slightly, glancing down at the bare expanse of Allen's scarred back and the back of his head.

"Why does my head hurt?" Allen mumbled. Link felt his forehead press against his shoulder for a moment before the exorcist pushed himself back, slowly sitting up, silver eyes dull and a little glazed, with a small furrow of pain in his brow. His hand reached up, rubbing at his forehead with a grimace.

Link propped himself up on one elbow, eying Allen warily. How much did he remember? And for that matter, how would he react?

"Are you okay?" Link asked at last, soft and ginger.

Even through his likely hangover, Allen managed a small smile. Normally, this would be a comfort to Link, that Allen felt well enough to at least feign actual wellness - but now he couldn't stop wondering how much that smile hid.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Allen assured him, still quiet. He met Link's eyes, and his smile faded into visible concern. "Are you okay? You look tired."

Link felt tired. Exhausted. He hadn't gotten any sleep that night, and after the strain of the previous day, that was probably a recipe for collapse.

Any words he might have said stuck in his throat, and he stared at Allen, whose concern grew by the moment. Allen started to reach forward.

"You should go back to sleep, Link. What happened last night? I can't-"

Allen froze. Link swallowed.

"Oh," Allen whispered. He withdrew his hand sharply, snapping it back against himself like he'd been burned. Suddenly he looked pale, his eyes wide. "Oh, God. Did I really-"

Link nodded silently. No words occurred to him; his brain was slow, and instead of anything productive, he found himself fixating on the slight tremble of Allen's hands, the way his pitch-black fist stood out against his pale skin where it was drawn tight against his chest, and then the way his face started to tighten, nothing but a modicum of self-control keeping him from collapsing into tears.

"I'm so sorry," Allen choked out, looking horrified with himself. "I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to see that. I won't do it again, I promise. I shouldn't have done that. You don't need to deal with that, I'm so sorry-"

Link just watched him as he rambled, tears welling up in the white-haired boy's eyes, and eventually, Allen stuttered to a halt, looking miserable and ashamed, panting slightly.

When Allen took a deep breath, apparently to continue, Link did the first thing that occurred to him. He reached forward and covered his mouth, and Allen froze again. Link hesitated for a moment, and then, finally, spoke, voice quiet and rough.

"Do you… always feel that way?"

Allen's expression changed from guilt-ridden to plain, open confusion. Link's voice shook slightly as he continued,

"Do you hate yourself that much?" His voice broke slightly, confusion and worry and exhaustion coming together to shatter his carefully maintained control. "Why?"

Allen looked stricken, and Link finally remembered that Allen couldn't answer him if his hand was over his mouth, so he removed it, setting it flat on the bed between them, his eyes focused on Allen's. And if they were a little desperate - that was the last thing on his mind at the moment.

Allen was trembling now, which made two of them. He opened his mouth, started to say something, and closed it. He opened it again, but nothing came out but a breathy, distressed sound, half gasp and half whimper, and then he bit his lip.

Link closed his eyes against the sight and let out a long, shaky breath. He felt lost - lost and confused and he didn't know what to do. There was a lot that needed to be said, and he didn't know what any of it was.

Then he felt a hand on his cheek and opened them again, and found that some of Allen's shame had melted away into concern. Allen licked his lips, and then spoke, voice soft and strained.

"You look exhausted. You really need to sleep." Link started to speak, a furrow of frustration appearing in his brow, but Allen added quickly, "I'm not trying to get out of this, I promise. But please, Link. You look terrible." A weak smile pulled at one corner of Allen's mouth. "You're always telling me to take better care of myself - shouldn't you lead by example?"

At any other time, that might have worked, but at the moment, Link couldn't even dream of sleeping. Not when he was still wondering if Allen would be there when he woke up.

It was likely irrational. There had been nothing to prompt this (the state of the town around them tugged at Link's conscience - he ignored it with the ease of long practice) and so Allen had probably felt this way for some time, and had never acted on it.

Link didn't give a shit.

"This is more important," Link told him resolutely.

Allen's worry visibly grew, crowding out his own shame to a place where Link couldn't see it. "Please sleep," he pleaded. "You look like you're going to faint at any moment. I'll wait right here, okay? I promise. Please."

A frown slashed across Link's face, eyes intent on Allen, with an almost professional focus, and he started to stand - height was a psychological advantage, he recalled-

The world swayed and spun around him and he nearly collapsed until Allen caught him, lowering him back down. His head was still spinning when Allen started to talk, quiet and quick and frantic.

"No, not always, but sometimes, please don't be upset. It's no one's fault but mine, okay? I've never been able to do anything right, I always mess things up - I'm a parasite. I always have been."

Link stared at him dizzily, and then pushed himself up, forcing himself to focus on Allen's words. "Who told you that?" he asked hoarsely.

Allen stared at him blankly for a moment, confusion clear on his face, as if it was obvious, as if there was no reason to assume he had been told. Link crushed a flinch before he could express it.

Allen - who was an exorcist, who could and would do things no one else was capable of, who was kind and good - was the last person who should feel this way about himself.

"I killed Mana," Allen told him at last, voice hoarse, soft with shame and guilt. "I didn't keep my promise to Lala and Guzol, and they died apart. I didn't fight hard enough against the Level Four, I took too long getting into the fight, and it killed so many people." With each recollection, his voice dropped further, and Allen curled up into a withering ball of shame. "I was too late to save Suman, and Tyki's Teez ate him from the inside out. I was stupid, and everyone here died. They trusted me-" His voice cracked. "-and I failed them."

Link remembered reading all of those mission reports, in preparation for meeting Allen - and he remembered some of them himself, with, in many cases, sickening clarity.

Even before he knew Allen, before he thought of him as anything more than a suspect - he had never considered a single one of those things Allen's fault.

"I'm stupid and I'm useless and I'm weak," Allen whispered, face now hidden in his knees, shaking. "I can't do anything and that's why I feel this way, Link, because I know I'm worthless and I'm too stubborn to die anyway. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Link wondered dazedly, because he could hardly force himself to process anything else, if that put his fears of suicide to rest.

"Allen," he croaked, and Allen looked up, face splotchy and streaked with tears.

Link didn't know what to say - had never been faced with someone so convinced of their own worthlessness, let alone someone he cared about so much. He could hardly breathe, his eyes fixed on Allen, who stared up at him, looking like he was falling and was completely unwilling to do anything about it.

Link reached out and clasped his hand around Allen's arm - tighter than he should have, maybe, but Allen barely reacted, even to the feeling of skin on skin that he normally found so comforting.

Finally, he settled on an approach, and closed his eyes, shuddering once, before he opened them again, expression caught between intent and overwhelmed, and spoke.

"None of that was your fault. No, listen," he added as Allen opened his mouth. He tried to force his voice to become as crisp and professional as he could manage, but it still strained and cracked with exhaustion and emotion. "None of that was your fault. Mana attacked you, you would have died. The level two was too strong for you when you were in Mater, and you acted as soon as you could. You were too injured to stand on your own when you were facing the Level Four, and you still fought it. You'd never encountered a Fallen One before Suman, and you did your best. Allen - you did more than anyone else could have dreamed of. Everyone fails." Link squeezed Allen's arm, willing him to understand this. "When your goal is to save the world, things get left behind."

Link wished he had a better fallback than telling Allen what he himself had once been told.

"I'm not good enough," Allen whispered.

"No one is," Link replied immediately, gaze unwavering.

Allen exhaled heavily, and the tears started up again, flowing down his cheeks as he shook silently. Link himself was too close to following; there was a weight on his chest that rose in his throat and choked him, and his eyes burned for more reasons than he cared to count.

God, this is a mess. We're a mess.

Link shut his eyes, and felt tears start to roll down his cheeks, hot and humiliating and silent.

In the next moment, Allen apparently noticed, because arms wrapped around Link, and he felt Allen's bare chest press to his clothed one, warm and reassuring, or it would have been if it hadn't been moving too fast - breathing shallow and quick.

"I'm sorry," Allen whispered yet again, choked and strained. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't cry. Please don't cry."

He might have continued, but then he was sobbing, tears soaking into Link's hair, his face turned into the side of Link's head. And Link always hated it when Allen cried, but it was so much worse when he let himself go.

Something snapped, and then Link was crying too, in a way he hadn't for... as long as he could remember. Still quiet, still restrained, but messy and audible nonetheless, suddenly holding onto Allen almost as tight as Allen was holding onto him.

He couldn't handle this. He had no idea what he was doing. And he was so tired.

Link didn't know how long they stayed like that, clinging together as the world spiralled around them, but finally, he gathered himself enough to whisper,

"Swear to me that you won't hurt yourself." (That shouldn't mean that much to him; it dragged Link's spirits down further, this realization that he couldn't stand to see Allen hurt, but he couldn't help it. Link was weak, too.)

"I promise," Allen said instantly, grip not loosening in the least. "I'm sorry, I promise, I promise."

Nothing was solved, not really. But that satisfied Link enough for him to finally let himself pass out, going limp against Allen, who caught him easily, and the last thing Link felt was Allen lowering him back to the bed and curling against him again.

"I promise not to make you cry again," Allen whispered, and Link fell asleep, face plastered with tears and breathing only just evening out.

I won't let you feel this way, he swore silently.

Allen was worth so much more than this.

*squint* I'm not sure if that's better or worse than last chapter. And Link cried. I have never been worried about my portrayal of him. *ducks head embarrassedly* But, let me know if you liked it, alright? Thanks for reading, and please review!