Someone You're Not

UPDATED

Sam Evans

2020

Sam was sitting thinking about going through a rather ugly break up with his wife, they'd brought the house, dog and sofa bed together and as far as he was concerned this was it he was set for life. Everyone had told him, warned him even. When at 19 he'd decided to Marry Charlie a girl he'd met in New York that had shown him more than enough attention at a time in his life he really needed it. He'd known early into it that he'd made a mistake but he refused to hear all the, I told you so chat from his very opinionated group of friends, so he sat in it for four years being used and abused as she flaunted her affairs in his face and even got pregnant for one unlucky Joe. That was the last straw for him he finally got up and looked for another job that would make sure their paths never crossed again, he was a male model and she was a model / photographer. Success was something he was used to so, yes it would be scary to have to start all over again but, his current life path was no longer healthy and, he'd made up his mind he needed to change it and fast.

He'd said nothing to Charlie about his intentions, he'd been applying for jobs all over the world for the past three weeks and nothing had come back, he'd completed his teaching qualification at night school, but never really knew if he was good at, having stumbled into Modelling because of his relationship with Charlie, he was semi-confident about teaching but knew it was his only other option.

His music thing had sort of gone by the by since Mercy had gone off the scene but he still wrote in private and done impromptu DJ jams with Puck sometimes when he was on release, they drew a good crowd.

"Have you heard anything" Quinn asked as she brought over sweeteners and spoons, having their usual Thursday afternoon coffee and chat at the local café

"No nothing I've filled out about 30 applications and sent them all over the world, maybe I need to redo my career assessment thing you did for me" he suggested

"I think you'll hear something soon, what will you do if that job in China comes up?" she asked

"I'll go, seriously Quinn I'm not even joking about this" he said sipping his coffee

"Okay I only asked" she said

"How's Puck and the children?"

"Just the same as last week, he hasn't been home for a while he's due in two weeks time and I intend on spending most of that time in bed" she smiled

"Okay enough with the sharing thing" he laughed

"Jealous?"

"No, why would you ask that?"

"Just playing" she replied sipping her coffee as her eyes kept contact with his face over the cup rim "Are you sure you're not still in love with her Sam?"

"Most definitely not, that gate has well and truly shut I don't intend on falling again until I'm like 50 or something and then it's going to be because I need someone to look after me" he laughed

"I meant Mercedes" Quinn said concerned

"Oh, I'll always love Mercy she's my heart" he'd shocked himself saying that, where did it come from he hadn't thought about Mercy for so long now, he was hoping she was a distant memory but, he'd said that with feeling

"Sam I've got to go I need to get Danielle from school" Quinn said a short while later jumping up giving his a kiss on the cheek and leaving

"Am I paying again?" he shouted after her "Everybody wants to use me for something" he said as he took his money out to pay for their drinks before leaving

On Saturdays he always met up with Mike and Blaine they usually went bowling and then for an expensive stake while they talked about stocks, bonds, dancing and theatre in that order. Sometimes Sam would get a look in and they might talk about music in general his DJ stuff and that, but in the main the topics were Blaine's life and then Mike's life before they remembered they'd left partners waiting and they'd split.

"Hey am I paying again" he'd shout after them as he'd be taking his wallet out to make the payment with a smile on his face

Rachel and Santana sent him regular, weekly, texts 'have you left that bitch yet' which was annoying right at the beginning because he was so loved up but eventually he saw their light, Charlie was as false as Satan's third eye had predicted and even Rachel had insight where she was concerned. He'd fell in love with the life she offered having left school with little to no qualifications, she offered him a life he'd only dreamt of, of course he snatched it up who wouldn't but at what cost, and such was his life. Mercy had left for pastures new, with her new husband and, he needed someone or something to fill the gap Charlie was it or so he thought at the time, he didn't think about it he needed the distraction.

So yeah now he was stuck in this loveless situation so much so he'd forgotten how to love, want or need someone so much it hurt.

Five months later he was still waking up first to get to the front door to intercept post and finding nothing

"Give up Sammy I'll leave Puck and we can make a life together" Quinn laughed as they sat at their coffee shop drinking Mocha's while Nathan and Danielle raked havoc for everyone else in the shop, Quinn sat talking oblivious to their actions

"Quinn you need to watch him more he's going to hurt himself" Sam said jumping up to go get him off a very high slide he'd somehow managed to climb up very fast

"He'll watch his damn self when he falls off and does himself some damage, learns practically that one" she said laughing "About what I said" she carried on when she stopped laughing and Sam came back to the table

"Quinn are you and Puck having problems?"

"No why?"

"Because this is the second time in about 6 months you come on to me and, I know you know we don't roll like that, so I'm just wondering what's going on for you and Puck"

"Nothing's going on for Puck and I we're fine don't mind me I just hate seeing you so unhappy"

"You think this is unhappy" he said putting his hands together to cup his chin with his elbows on the table "It's Kurt's birthday bash this weekend remember" he said with puppy eyes "Satan and Lentil are going to be in full swing and you can guess because I'm with the old crew Charlie wants to make a fucking appearance, no fun for me and, she'll be expecting me to defend her" he said finally collapsing his arms and resting his head on his hands flat on the table "God I miss Lima"

"Come on Sam it's not that bad nobody misses frigging Lima" she said smiling

"Well maybe not that drastic but it's a close second" he said with a smile "Look I've got to go my brother's coming up and he hates being in the same place as Charlie for any given time"

"I'll see you on Saturday then" Quinn said going in for a hug before she got up

"Yeah Saturday" he said as he let her go, got up, left some money on the table and walked away "Oh and Quinn just in case, getting run over I don't class as a practical lesson grab that child's hand" he said pointing at Nathan

His brother came up and just like that it was Saturday and Charlie was clucking around about the birthday party, Sam was definitely edgy and Stevie was pissed that his brother was having to live this way "What colour should I wear Sam your friends are not backwards in telling a girl she looks like shit"

"Whatever you wear you'll be fine" he said back from inside the walk in wardrobe 'they'll tell you, you look like shit anyway' he thought bringing a smile to his face for Lentil and Satan telling her exactly what he thought. When she finally got downstairs Sam and Stevie had been waiting for about 40 minutes and she looked the same as she did when Sam left her.

"I thought you were getting dressed" Stevie said rolling his eyes as Sam nudged him in the ribs "I'm playing" he said "You look lovely" he said side eyeing Sam "We are going to wreck it tonight bro" he said as they both done a fist punch in the air, this time it was Charlie who rolled her eyes

Charlie wasn't a plain Jayne she was semi-stunning, by any man's standards with her blond hair always perfectly permed, her very slender frame, which made her look borderline ill from certain angles but in the modelling world she was the shit. To everyone outside she was the perfect woman and she could actually turn that look on when she fancied, it was what attracted Sam to her in the first place but, on second look, which happened maybe a week after the honeymoon, she was self-centred, mean, arrogant, selfish, spiteful, vindictive, rude and possessed an ugly heart. On top of all that to be a cheat as well which was something that went right against the grain for Sam he could barely stand to look at her, he was civil because he was a gentleman not because he respected or rated her or anything like that.

"Ready?" Sam asked everyone before they went out and piled into the car Stevie making sure that Charlie got in the back

"You'll be sleeping in our bed next Stevie" she said as Sam started up the engine

"What do you mean by that?" Sam turned to ask

"He's answering for you, finishing your sentences, cooking your dinner I swear I even saw him doing your fucking laundry this morning and he's only been here like two days" she replied

"Oh you mean instead of you in the bed, yeah that would be progress" Sam said looking at Stevie before they both started laughing

"Very funny" she said screwing up her face

"And will you stop swearing in front of my little brother" he said smiling at Stevie knowing full well they never stopped swearing when they were together

"Sorry Stevie" she said doing the rest of the journey in silence, just listening to Sam and Stevie's impromptu banter

"We're here" Sam announced as he parked the car at the bottom of the drive and walked up to the front door. Sam pushed the door and went in to see Santana and Brittany sitting in the hall chair chatting away to someone he couldn't see

"Sam" Brittany jumped up and went in for a hug "My God Stevie you've grown up" she said hugging him too before going into chatter with Sam about what he'd been up to. Once Sam answered the first question Brittany turned back to say "Hi Charlie" but didn't wait for a reply she wasn't interested

"Hi Sam" Santana came to him saying with outstretched arms but grabbing Stevie first "Sam you could have let her go get dressed" she said looking at Sam but going in for a hug from Charlie "Hi Charlie" she said kissing her on the cheek before turning to Sam and kissing him on the lips "Babe it's been altogether too long" she said looking in his eyes willing him to take the bait

"I cannot believe the bitch has the gall" Rachel shouted from the other side of the hall as all eyes moved towards where her voice came from "Oh hi Charlie" she popped her head round the door to say "Not you I was talking about one of Jessie's bitches from work" she said as she hugged her "Sam you could have let her go get dressed" she said as she pulled out of the hug and went towards Sam who just smiled back at her

Charlie didn't answer any of them she knew too well what they were like this very closed circle of friends who stayed together as if they were in kindergarten and attached at the ankle, hip and head, and that fucking singing they always did got on her last nerve. She had to be there because she knew Sam was the apple of all of the girls eyes and this particular group of girls had no fucking code and it seemed their husbands either didn't know or just didn't friggin well care about which one of them they ended up in bed with. As far as she could tell everyone had already slept with everyone except Kurt and Blaine who had done their fair share of extra marital relationships along the way. She just thought she'd get them all back with one simple move so she hung onto Sam's arm and kissed him on the cheek, before whispering in his ear absolutely nothing, well "Your friends are bitches" actually but he already knew that.

"What did she say?" Tina asked, she always had a screw face when Charlie was about, Mercy was her girl she was faithful to the end

"Oh usual just you girls were bitches, but you already know that" Sam smiled

"You're the bitch, bitch" Tina got up saying as Mike pulled her back down and whispered to her

So Kurt opened presents accepted songs, showed movies, opened cards and kisses throughout the night by about 12 a.m. everyone was laying around remembering the old days, when life was simple, and wishing them back

"I wouldn't have done anything different" Kurt announced kissing Blaine "I still love him" he said as they hugged

"I'm there, maybe left some of the male relationships out but yeah I'm where I want to be" Brittany said hugging into Santana

"I wish Noah would turn into Sam sometimes when he's being a tool but, only for his manners, I love my life" Quinn said to Puck's screwed up face, which she kissed and made him smile "I love you Noah"

"We're where we need to be" Artie said looking at Sugar who was agreeing with him

"We get by busily" Tina said looking at Mike "New studio's" she said as he nodded

"I am busy opening new studios" he agreed

"Everyone knows my dilemma I'm on my way to being happy in part" Sam smiled 'It would be a different story if Mercy were sitting here' he looked at Charlie thinking noticing her smiling at him 'Not with you bitch' he thought

Puck and Sam did their thing with the decks and everyone had a great time dancing to the mixes, until everything calmed down again, the suddenly "Well nobody else is going to call you out on it, they never do so I'll be the stick shall I?" Tina broke the silence saying as everyone's heads jumped, Mike looked at her begging her to stop, which she ignored "Sam I know it's been like 4 years ago now but we lost Mercedes because of you and your fucking around and I mean literally, I'm not happy about it, as you know, she was a dear friend and she was a big part of the GF, I don't think it's right that we've all lost Mercy and you bring her" she said pointing to Charlie "As some sort of third rate replacement"

"That's not fair T you know I did everything I could to put our friendship back on track but she wouldn't have it" he said looking around the room

"Did she just call me third rate" Charlie asked him but he ignored her

"She got married like 6 months after we split and went to live her new life in fuck knows where, she knows where we are remember it's not like I said don't come back I never wanted that"

"Did she call me third..."

"Shut up Charlie" he looked at her saying before turning back to the conversation

"It still hurts we lost a sister have you any idea how that feels" Tina said looking up at Mike

"That's probably why I'll never accept your wife Sam, she might have been super nice, super looking and everything but she's not our Mercedes, she never will be and she doesn't fit" Rachel said

"Is this the drink talking or am I hearing I'm to blame for everything that's wrong with everyone's lives because I dared to want Charlie instead of Mercedes" Sam said to the room

"How fucking dare you mention her name in the same fucking sentence" Tina said getting up and slapping him across the face, everyone a little worse for excessive alcohol intake

"Hey" Stevie said getting up as Mike got up too

"Sam I think its best you go and take it with you, everyone's against this union" Blaine said

"You too" Sam said looking at Blaine with dis-belief

"Dude I've got nothing against Charlie, she's your wife but Mercedes was our sister and that can't go unpunished" Blaine replied

"Unpunished?" he asked

"Yes Dude you messed with the GF" Blaine said

"Why wait this long to come out with all this? Why didn't you all say something at the time?" Sam asked

"Honestly" Santana said looking around the room "Mercedes asked us not to attack you about this decision ever, but Sam we're bursting" she said taking a breath "You treated our girl bad, really bad"

"I admit that, I admitted it to her I asked, no begged, her for forgiveness on that and she gave it, this shit is so in the past, we got past that" he said looking at Stevie and then Charlie "And guys I'm sitting here with Stevie and fucking Charlie we see each other so regular could you all not have chosen another fucking time to do this shit?" he said with tears in his eyes "I got with Charlie after we split anyway"

"Yeah but you kissed her over there while you were together, and then to make house with her afterwards, it's like everything you said to Mercedes after that was a lie" Tina said, Sam said nothing just looked around his eyes landing on Stevie

"Six days after" Kurt added quickly

"I feel the same bro" Stevie said making Sam look at him twice "I wouldn't have been this harsh about it but I would have roundabout said the same thing" he said with a smile "Anyway, it's out lets reflect and move on" he said looking at everyone as if signalling for the interrogation to stop.

"I'm reflecting alright" Sam said getting up "Stevie you coming?" he asked "I've been leaving her for months" he looked down at Charlie saying "And I was kind of hoping for your support in doing that but I can see, hear and feel" he said rubbing his cheek "That I'm the blame so fuck it I'm gone and I hope you all have a nice fucking life without me in it"

"Sam" Santana shouted after him

Blaine went running after him and caught him at the door "Dude you just going to walk out on us" he said meaning their friendship

"Dude if you were a true friend you'd have told me that was coming, and don't pretend you didn't know I know how those things work everyone knew" he said pulling his arm away from Blaine and walking away with his brother

Sam and Stevie got in the car, Sam put the engine on before banging the wheel in anger "I can't believe that shit just happened" he said to the wheel "She told me to go live my fucking life and that's my fault?" he asked no one "How many times would someone have to tell you they didn't want you before you left them alone?" he asked Stevie

"Once I guess" he replied looking at Sam's white knuckles on the wheel he was busy thinking Charlie was much too cool in there, he need to tell Sam about his bitch and set him free now

"Five fucking times she told me and I'm supposed to what, just sit and fucking wait after she said don't five times" he asked

"Mercedes told you to leave her alone five times?"

"Of course she did you know how I feel about her, I would have never stopped voluntarily"

"When did she get married, what was going on in your life when she got married?" I smell a massive bug here

"I was trying to decide if I should marry Charlie"

"Who told you she was married"

"It was in the paper, why?"

"Did you see it in the paper?"

"No Charlie told me one night"

"Dude I have a feeling" Stevie said stretching to the back seat to get his laptop "When did she get married?" he asked

"16th Feb 2016"

"What time?" Stevie asked laughing

"Don't know" Sam said still very serious

"Where was she living?"

"Don't know" he replied "Dude since the day she walked away from me I've had no contact, that's what she asked for, she said if you love me you'll leave me alone never contact me again" he said remembering the conversation "I saw her at the awards once, well the back of her, after Charlie said something to upset her and that was it she's gone"

"Okay I'll do a search for Mercedes Jones, Date of birth?"

"25th August 1996" he responded

"God there are about 2000 of them are there any states we can miss out?"

"Are you trying to find her?"

"Not really just trying to find out if she got married"

"Why wouldn't she have gotten married?"

"Listen Sam, Charlie knows the only threat there has ever been to this relationship is Mercy, she'd do and say anything I reckon" Stevie said still looking through the list "We could put born in Lima and check that way" he said making Sam turn the engine off and look over his shoulder at what he was doing

"Sam" they heard making them jump out of their concentration "Let me in" Charlie said banging on the car door

"Put that away Stevie" he said opening the door

"What are you two doing and how the fuck you gonna go and leave me in there with those bitches" Charlie asked, Sam didn't answer he didn't want to, his mind was on the question Stevie just put in his head about Mercy "And what was all that about leaving me?" she asked again Sam didn't answer he just turned the engine back on and moved the car in the direction of home

They got in and Stevie went directly to his room knowing that Sam was in serious mode, he knew his brother well "Charlie" Sam said getting her attention as she poured a strong drink for herself "I need to talk to you" he said as she looked at him "Come sit down" he said tapping the couch he was sitting on "We're not happy are we?" he asked

"We can work through this little blip, it will pass" she said touching his hand as it rested on his lap

"Little blip Charlie you got pregnant for someone else, I call that a big blip and it's something I'm not prepared to live with, I want a divorce"

"Sam a divorce really, don't you think we can save anything here?" she asked

"Truth Charlie, I don't want to save anything here because there is nothing here, I fell out of love with the idea of you a long while back, there have been times I've seriously tried to get that back but it's gone, it was never real" Sam said showing his sad eyes "My biggest regret to date is choosing fame over my heart" he said getting up "I'm leaving, maybe in the morning, I might go back to the ranch until I sort myself out" he announced and left the room

Charlie didn't argue or question, truth be known she was also relieved that Sam wanted out, she'd wanted him because he was young, fit and the face of the year, he was going to keep her on top for the time being. Then the wind changed and they didn't want her with Sam any more they found younger fitter girls to put him with and she started sleeping her way back up to the top. Not that she'd gotten anywhere near the top again, the business wanted younger baby looking girls who were naturally thin and not pumping anything they needed to into them to keep the look. She was getting clumsy with her climb and had been pregnant more than three times since being married to Sam and none of the pregnancies were his, he'd given up unprotected sex with her maybe three months, if that, into the relationship after finding her in the changing room kissing on some bouncer, so she didn't blame him really she just wondered how she was going to keep on top without even the name attached to her.

"So Charlie, Sam finally came to his senses?" Stevie came into the room saying

"Yeah you said he would eventually" she laughed "More like grown a spine"

"I told you he may be blond but he ain't stupid, it's a myth" Stevie said "Did you tell him about the drugs, pregnancies and your pimp?" he asked

"No I didn't and please don't tell him I don't want him thinking that of me"

"I'm going to tell him Charlie as soon as we're away from you I'm going to tell him because I have to protect my brother and anyone else he might want to be with in the future. You went for a fucking HIV test, you're married to my brother and went for a fucking test" he shout whispered

"I know you told the family they told me"

"Yeah I told them, I'm leaving Mom, Dad and Stacy to Sam but everyone is going to know what you did to my brother if he tests positive"

"I don't even know if I am yet" she shouted

Stevie laughed "You still don't fucking get it do you?" he asked "It's not about if you've got it, it's about the fact that you've had to test for it while your supposedly married to my brother" he shouted

"What test?" Sam asked as he walked into the living room "What test Stevie?"

"She's had another pregnancy test" he said not taking his eyes off Charlie

"I'm sorry Sam, I'm really sorry" she said before she started crying

"Well that's no concern of mine we've not been there for god knows how long" he said looking at Stevie "Come on Bro grab our bags I'm leaving this, I don't know what this is but I'm leaving, tonight" he said as Stevie made his way back to his bedroom to pack and run with his belongings grabbing the small bag on the stairs as he came down

"Where we going?" Stevie asked as they walked out the house and jumped in the car

"To find a beach and soak for a few days" he replied

"What about your applications?" Stevie asked

"I've asked most of the ones I've done over the past two months or so to contact me via email so I should get those on my phone" he said and drove off

Six hours later they were in Miami sitting on the beach kicking the sand and thinking about finding somewhere to have breakfast "If we book into somewhere we can get breakfast" Stevie said

"But then we're stuck for a few days I want to be free for like ever" Sam said jumping up and embracing the fresh air "Okay I'm going to be responsible little bro lets book into somewhere and get you washed and dressed" he said before they walked into the nearest hotel and booked a suite for them, had long showers and ordered breakfast up before sleep. By the evening they were relaxing on the beach looking at sand, sea and girls, lots of girls

"Sam let's get dipped" Stevie said excited

"Any more talk like that and you'll be dippin off home young Bro" Sam said laughing as Stevie sunk back in his lounger "Actually I'll give you two more days and then your back home I need to think" he followed with so, whatever Stevie was planning on coming back at him with he forgot it, knowing his brother didn't really joke like that. So they spent two days doing stuff together and as promised Sam put Stevie on a flight called their parents to take him off the other side and went back to his hotel, with a promise to go see his family in four days.

Sam went on a bender that night he just needed to blow the old out and get some pep in his step, of course he ended up on the decks then on stage singing offering himself to anyone that would take him on singing G Eazy's 'Mad' and ended up with some random in his room the following morning "Who the fuck are you?" he asked jumping out of his bed at the sight of the streaky mascara faced girl

"I sang with you last night at the bar and you promised me a good night you remember" she said before she proceeded to sing "I know something we both can do, but first I gotta be alone with you, I need ya so bad, My love, you drive me mad"

"Fuck" Sam said covering his ears "You sang last night?" he asked as she nodded enthusiastically "With me?" he asked

"Yeah, why do you keep saying the same thing?" she asked

"I'll let you check yourself in the mirror before you leave my room" Sam said getting up to guide her to the bathroom, waiting outside the door and marching her to the exit from his suite

Sam slammed the door after her, more pissed at himself for going that far, than at that woman who he didn't know the name of, and when the fuck did he turn into Charlie anyway. He clearly hadn't slept with her but obviously he'd had the intention bringing her all the way up to his room. The rest of the three days he spent productively trying to sort out where to next for him and, he'd also calmed down a bit after his rant to the GF and walk out he sent a sapp to them 'lost but hopefully not forgotten keep me posted' he wrote to pings of 'Bro you found yourself' with a smiling face 'Who's going to pay for my coffee' 'I miss stake afternoons' to 'I miss you Trouty mouth' 'Sexy Mama would spit if she thought we didn't know where you were' with a laughing face 'yeah she'd suck all the life out of us for cutting her boy loose' Kurt wrote 'Hey and we will always love you Mercedes told you that' Brittany wrote making everyone send smiling faces. Sam felt better knowing he still had his family to turn to, he admitted to himself he felt even better that Mercy had instructed them to look after him, she always cared, he thought as he got up to visit the beach for the last day, thinking about Mercy and that last song she sang to him before he made that damn promise

"Ex-Factor" by Lauren Hill

It could all be so simple but you'd rather make it hard, loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity no one loves you more than me and no one ever will

Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way forces you to scream my name then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity No one loves you more than me and no one ever will

[Hook:]
No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know It ain't workin' It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away you'd hurt yourself to make me stay this is crazy This is crazy

"Hi" he heard, interrupting his thoughts as he lay on the sun lounger taking in the rays, putting his hand up to take the sun out of his reflectors he looked in the direction the voice was coming from to see a blond haired girl standing almost over him

"Hi" he said before laying back down

"Sam Evans isn't it?" she asked

"Yes do I know you?" he asked shading his eyes again

"Well yes and no, we done a sort of a shoot once in New York I was one of the girls on that Spring Break Project in 2017, I saw more of your wife than you though" she said smiling "Genna's my name" she said holding her hand out "Is your wife with you?" she asked looking around

"Why?" Sam asked

"Well she's super territorial, and she can be nasty with it, I don't want to strike up a conversation and then find I can't get work because of what she says about me" she said part laughing part serious

"She's not here" Sam said laughing

"Oh, so what brings you to sunny Florida in the middle of the fashion show crisis?" she asked

"Crisis?" Sam asked sitting up

"Yeah Treasure Trailz hasn't found a new face yet and it's only two weeks to lift off" she laughed

"To be honest I've sort of left all that behind I'm taking a sabbatical" Sam said laughing himself "Could I get you a drink" he asked studying her face before adding "Genna, is that right?"

"No thank you Sam I'm on full board and with my husband" she smiled

"I'd have brought him one too" Sam laughed

"I won't keep you" she said walking away waving

"Bye" Sam said smiling as she walked away 'I'm not even tempted to get my phone out to find out what that's all about' he thought before laying back down to take in the rays and carry on thinking about Mercy

I keep letting you back in how can I explain myself as painful as this thing has been I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do you let go and I'll let go too 'cause no one's hurt me more than you and no one ever will

[Repeat Hook]

Care for me, care for me I know you care for me there for me, there for me said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me you said you'd die for me give to me, give to me why won't you live for me
[Repeat]

The day was soon over the night, Sam had hoped, would be filled with sleep but, his mind was filled with the GF shouting at him about Mercy and how unfair he'd thought that was, as well as a life that might have been so different, had he not let Mercy talk him into that promise, finally falling asleep at about 4am The next morning Sam was packed and ready for the long drive home, he called home to tell them he was starting out

"Could I speak to Stevie please Mom?" he asked at the end of what felt like question time

"Bro what's up" Stevie shouted down the phone "Sorry I'm just excited for you coming back home for a bit I miss my big Bro"

"I miss you too and Stacy but I needed to ask you to do that research for Mercy for me, since they mentioned her name again I just feel like I need to know she's alright you know. I can't believe how far I've gone to block her out over the past 4 years and the scary bit is I didn't even know I was doing it, just see if you can find her yeah"

"Okay Bro will do" Stevie said more serious "Bye" he said as he heard Sam click the phone off on the other side 'I pray to God that bitch hasn't ruined his life giving him that disease, I'd want to fucking kill her myself, and to think if Kitty hadn't been in that surgery we might never have known this was even happening, she's a total bitch' Stevie thought as he pushed his phone in his pocket and went to get his laptop to do the searches his brother had requested

"Stevie what did Sam want?" his Mom asked

"Just to research some jobs for him" he lied, if his Mom was going to find out that Sam had another girl on his mind already it was going to come from Sam himself, Stevie knew better, his Mom was not into Charlie at all but she'd asked Sam to be very sure what he was giving up when he chose her over Mercy and Sam had looked in her face and told her he felt nothing for Mercy, a lie but, at the time he'd, unknown to anyone, been rejected by Mercy five frigging times and he needed to move on sharpish. Stevie could only imagine Sam dying inside at Mercy words, he loved her with his soul, he lived for her, they all did, still do if they bothered to tell the truth about it, their parents doted on her and she was, and still is, genuinely a member of the family, like that unspoken of child that everyone was quietly grieving. The speed with which Sam moved on, didn't allow for anyone to really speak her name again, it was just Mercy's out meet Charlie, the wedding could have just as well have been a wake, everyone seriously tried to like her but she just wasn't Mercy and Stevie was sure she felt that with every visit, Sam saw it but said nothing, on reflection Stevie sat thinking of course he ignored it he also knew she was no Mercy, getting his laptop fired up he started his search for his sister Mercedes Jones.

Sam got home and was settled around the dinner table with everyone when Stacy rather awkwardly brought up the Charlie subject "So Sammy what happened with wife?" she asked smiling "You do know you're going to be the first divorced person in the family, you love your firsts don't you?" she laughed earning herself an under the table kick from Stevie

"What happened with Charlie well; she's fake, she lies, cheats and gets pregnant for other men behind my back and that's all I'm willing to disclose" he said looking around the table

"Pregnant!" his Mother gasped "She slept around?" she asked

"Everyone could see the fake so I'm not surprised with that snippet" Stacy added

"Dad I need to talk to you" Stevie said standing up from the table

"What now?" his Dad asked

"Yes Dad it's relevant" he replied moving away from the table as his Dad, seeing Stevie's face, got up to follow him out of the room

Sam, Stacy and their Mother sat at the dinner table watching the two men interact Stevie almost to tears, their father holding his head and looking at Sam, it was when they both cried that Sam got up and made his way to the door to see what was going on, Stacy and their Mother following closely after him but at a distance, Sam's kick off's were bad enough but to see Stevie and Dad too was definitely too much for Stacy and Mom to deal with

"What's up Bro" Sam said looking at Stevie before looking at his Dad "Dad?" he asked a bit shaken by the full on crying going on. Sam hugged them and a tear came to his eye for their sorrow, eventually he asked the question again "What's up guys?"

"We need to sit down" his Dad said guiding them back into the room

Sam went back to his seat but Stevie held onto his Dad who sat next to his Mom who was hugging Stacy, so in the end it looked like Sam was on interview with his family on the opposite side of the table to him. He sat on the end of his chair and rested his upper body on his arms crossed in front of him on the table, "has everyone calmed down a bit now?" he asked making Stevie cry more

"Dad?" Stevie said looking at his Dad for help

"Tell him son"

"Tell me what" Sam said with a very nervous laugh

"It's Charlie" Stevie said wiping the tears from his face "I really don't ever want to hurt you Bro and I pray this is like wrong" he said breaking down again

"Basically what Stevie told me was that, Kitty called him about a week ago and told him she saw Charlie in the clinic getting an HIV test done" his Dad carried on talking but Sam heard nothing else he was seeing his life flash in front of him all the things he needed to achieve that he hadn't even looked at yet, he'd got up out the chair and wondered he knew that much

"Sam, Where are you going" Someone was saying over and over again in his ear but, he couldn't make out the voice from all the ringing in his ear, he pushed something but he was floating so maybe he was trying not to hurt himself, he felt something that made him jerk but he didn't recognise the feeling. Suddenly he wasn't seeing things he was seeing colours flashing, solid, bright, and finally dark pure black and he was cold

Suddenly he was back at his junior school, playing football, winning and his little fan girls on the side lines he smiled at them seeing all these little girls and then this older girl that he knew by her bright white teeth that made his belly churn, he loved her she was going to be his wife, they were going to have two children and a house, cat, dog and love. He was going to work every day and she would look after the children life was perfectly planned. Then suddenly he was wrenched away and put into a poky motel room sleeping and scratching all night hating that place, his life and everything in it he felt worthless for a split second "Wow" he said at the sight of that older girl again standing on the steps, Miss Mercedes Jones bringing the biggest smile to his face, that's it the rest of my life and then like a flash he saw his Dad standing over him holding him with what he soon recognised as tears all over his face.

"What happened?" he asked as he lay with his Dad on one side and his Brother on the other

"You flipped a bit Bro no problem" Stevie said still holding him down "What was Wow about, skydiving?" Stevie laughed

"I saw Mercy for the first time again" Sam replied without thinking "I also saw some of those junior school girls too remember them?" he asked his Dad who nodded trying to deflect as everyone looked at each other "So HIV is that why she didn't say anything about me leaving?" he said looking at Stevie "That was the test you were talking about when I came into the room?" he asked him

"Yeah but I didn't want you to know while you could see her you'd have gotten locked up" Stevie confirmed

Sam sat for a while thinking before he looked back up at Stevie "You did the right thing" he said smiling at him "Okay let me up I'm fine, I'll deal with this" he said getting up

"We'll deal with it son" his Dad said grabbing his shoulders as everyone hugged in

So the following day they went to the clinic for Sam to do the initial tests, Stevie had no leads on the whereabouts of Mercy, two weeks later the first results came back clear with a note saying he should still attend his appointment in 6 month time for the final follow up tests, about a week after his initial good news, he got an email from a company in Gambia about an interview Sam couldn't jump high or fast enough

"Sam are you sure about this" his Mom asked as he grabbed his cases to get to the airport

"I need a job Mom and I'm a free agent I'll go anywhere I know where home is" he said hugging her and laughing at her efforts to keep him in the nest "I'm nearly 24 Mom I can and have looked after myself for a long while now and I have money" he said tapping his pocket

"I know but you're still my baby" she said pulling at his cheeks "Be careful" she warned before letting him go to say bye to everyone else, then he was gone

Sam sat on the plane wondering if he could truly teach music let alone to foreign students, he'd only started learning Mandinka a week ago, although English was the first language, it would never hurt to know a bit of what the local people were saying. Sam had been summoned for a meeting at the newly formed Amadou Bansang Jobarteh School of Music, ironically it had opened the same year he had split with Mercy, he'd got his guitar in hand his Dalasi in his pocket and he was ready for the week long trip, longer if he got the job. The only thing he needed now was a song for his interview, it had been a while since he'd really sung anything, he'd left that part of his life when he left Mercy alone, he could still sing he'd done so in the bath nearly every morning and he'd had a good few weeks of singing with the GF while he was there but it wasn't quality it was content he needed to get straight and he was struggling.

"What would Mercy say?" he said out loud making the person next to him look "Sorry thinking out loud" he said smiling 'something smooth' he thought as he looked at the magazine in the rack and saw an old picture of Charlie and him, her announcing their break up with a smaller picture of her in the corner, telling her story "No shit I should just blow that bitch up" he said throwing the magazine across the floor of the plane

"I know talking out loud" the older lady in the seat next to him laughed "Everybody wants to be like those two" she said nodding her head at the magazine on the floor

"Not me, not anymore" Sam said bringing a smile to the woman's face

"You learned to love yourself" she said squeezing Sam's hand as if congratulating him

"Do you know someone called Mercy?" he asked smiling

"I know how to show Mercy but, I don't think I know anyone called Mercy, why?" the lady asked

"I asked her a question and she sent you with the answer" he laughed as they chatted for the rest of the trip until she fell asleep and in turn he did too

When Sam got to Gambia he had about 4 hours before his interview, he grabbed his guitar and his IPhone to practice his song acoustic style, 'yes I agree Mercy it's a fitting tribute to my life past with Miss Infected Slut' he thought, by the time he had a bath and got dressed he'd left an hour for travel and preparation when he got there.

"Hi I'm Sam Evens and for my musical presentation I'm going to sing 'Love Yourself' by Justin Bieber he said before he settled with his guitar and done the first part of his interview. The second part was a formal interview with the Dean, Head of Department and a Student and then he had to do a 30 minute lesson introducing the guitar to the class. If he was honest his looks, got the young girls interested immediately and the fact that he dropped in he played football and did modelling never went a miss with most of the guys the students took to him and he felt like he could do good in this place. Two days later he was called back and given the teaching position on a one year contract

Sam contacted his family to let them know and also sent a Sapp to his GF to let them know he'd finally done it. He sent on divorce papers to Charlie via his solicitor in Dallas and a week later he started his new job. Food, lifestyle, women, music everything was new to him, they'd put him up in a really nice hotel in Banjul and it was splendid, with meals and access to the beach, situated right next to the presidents holiday home.

There were girls everywhere in Gambia, but they weren't pushy they said hello and carried on walking not expecting anything or selling or giving anything away. The guys were super helpful went the extra mile to get you what you needed and Sam always felt like anything he'd given away was well spent. He had got talking to the local farm guys that hung out in the afternoon and early evening and had been on trips through the town with them, even to local bars but nothing too adventurous, no DJ clubs going on around town. One evening as they were out drinking he met Nyima a local girl that worked in the presidents holiday home and got talking, he asked her out for a date and she suggested she come to the hotel as there were not many safe places to eat out in the local area. He dressed to impress and met her at the gates bringing her into the hotel and to the booked table, they sat sipping wine, eating and talking

"So Nyima how long have you worked at the president's house?" he asked as Blake Shelton's 'Came here to Forget' played in the background

"A long while since I was a child" she replied

"What do you do?" he asked

"Clean" she said laughing making Sam roll his eyes playfully for the silly question

"You don't have a boyfriend do you?" he asked

"No, I wouldn't be here if I did" she said making him laugh again

Nyima had deep eyes, Sam felt like he fell into when she looked at him, like Mercy's used to, from a certain angle, her features reminded him of Miss Keys, her hair in extended corn rows like Mercy's night hair with extended nails and lots of bangles up her arm, her lips were plump and naked with a faint brown line marking the edge of her lips as did the same liner make her eyes deeper, she didn't have that nautical V like Mercy's but could still do something for him. Her skin was tanned brown, smooth and innocent looking he could easily have a thing for this woman, as she sat opposite him with her body covered from head to toe reminding him she was native, her voice mysterious like Mercy's

"And you are here" he said when he brought himself back making Nyima smile

"You like what you see" she said putting the lemon out of her drink in her mouth as he watched

"Very much" he said smiling back at her

"You got anybody in America?" she asked

"I was married but I'm going through a divorce at the moment"

"She divorcing you?" Nyima asked

"No I'm divorcing her, she cheated and got pregnant" he said not smiling "Enough about her" he told himself, thinking about Mercy and talking about Charlie, he meant but Nyima might have thought he meant just talking about his past "Do you want to do something else?" he asked putting his folk down indicating he'd finished his meal

"Like what sex?" she asked

"Sex?" Sam asked taken aback, starting alarm bells in his head

"I can't do that I have HIV" she said slouching back in the chair

"No I didn't mean sex but, that's fine, we can go inside and listen to the music, dance or have a drink" Sam said looking for alternatives

"Music, drinks are you sure?" she asked

"Or we can stay here and drink" Sam suggested as she nodded in agreement "How long have you had HIV?" he asked

"Five years"

"So you're healthy?" he asked

"Other than the fact that I'm going to die yes" she laughed

"Sorry another silly question" Sam said signalling for the waiter to come over to order drinks. "The night is over" he thought, there was no way Sam could tell this woman he might be in the same predicament his job depended on him being healthy, he played super supportive agreed they would still see each other but for his protection they could be nothing more. It was maybe a month into the dating game with Nyima that he realised she didn't touch him or even attempt to touch him and worse still he didn't attempt to touch her either. The relationship really had turned into a friendship and became much more relaxed when she introduced her friends and they had others around them, it seemed all Nyima's friends were in the same situation, and that didn't seem very much frowned on in these parts.

Five months later he took his two weeks holiday and returned home for his tests and a very long month wait for the final results "I think I found something out about Mercy" Stevie said just after dinner on his second night home

"Why didn't you call me and tell me?"

"Look don't get mad but I can see where this is leading Sammy, Mercy asked you to leave her alone, you said you would respect that and I'm guessing you made a promise?"

"Yeah"

"So, what are you going to do with this information when you get it?"

"Just give her a quick call or better still give the information to the GF and let them do the work for me"

"See now that's what I'm holding back about Sammy because, you don't realise it but your chasing Mercy again, it looks fucked up as well because you've finished with Bitch features"

"I'm not chasing her Bro I just need to know she's alright"

"Why not just call her parents then?"

"Because I don't want to know if they're alright I want to know if Mercy's alright, she don't live at home any more she could tell them anything but when I hear her voice I'll know the truth"

"And what will you do about that truth Sam?"

"I'll help her any way I can"

"Sam" Stevie said blowing out a breath "She asked you to leave her alone if you loved her, five times" he said knowing he was stepping on rocky ground with this "So I think you need to leave this be bro" he said putting his hand on Sam's shoulder

"Where is she Stevie?" Sam asked pissed at the questioning and where it was leading

"She left America in November 2016 for the Caribbean, that's all I've found"

"How do you know it was her?"

"Well there were four Mercedes Jones' in Ohio only one born on 25th August 1996"

"So she went to the Caribbean?" Sam asked staring at the wall

"You're still not over her are you Bro?"

"I don't think I'll ever be over her I've just learned to live with it" he said getting up to leave the room "I just need to be alone for a while squirt I'll be fine" he said not bothering to turn back for Stevie to see the tears leaving his eyes. He got outside closed his eyes "Mercy I'm lost, right hand on heart confession" and cried as his phone carried on playing 'Confession' by Florida Georgia Line

Stevie sat watching his brother's heart break for the woman he truly loved and pulled his phone out "Hey Blaine" Stevie said as Blaine answered "I know Sam's coming up to see everyone this weekend, he's going through some stuff at the moment and I know he won't tell you guys about it, he doesn't know you know about the test thing, I just need you all to treat him with kid gloves" he said as Blaine listened

"We've decided we're going to tell him we know about the HIV thing Stevie, it's best to be clean with Sam, but we'll leave everything else, whatever it is, to him" Blaine said "thanks for the heads up" he said before some free chat and the call ended.