A/N: I write for a number of different categories around here, but there's
nothing I like writing (or reading) more than an LOK humour fic. So thank
you to everyone who reads this. This one is different from the others I
have done in that it actually contains a plot. Whether that will help or
hinder this fic I don't know. I try to review works of the authors who
review for me, so if you have a fic LOK or otherwise that you want me to
look at and review please do not hesitate to ask me and it will be my
pleasure to do so.
Disclaimer: Of course I do not own LOK characters , locations or any part of the franchise, and I will not be making any profit whatsoever off of this.
It was early one morning when Nosgoth's first dating agency (brothel's don't count) opened for business. It opened with little fan-fare, and indeed only The Elder God knew of it's existence outside of the agency themselves. But he had little interest in such things. Being a god made the ladies weak at the knees. Of course, there was the fact that he was a giant squid, and didn't have any immediately obvious godly powers. But still, it would be a bit beneath him to use a dating agency.
The name of the place was The Nosgoth Dating Agency. Being the first of it's kind, it's name didn't exactly have to be original. It's home was in Meridan. There were lots of desperate people there. Okay, there were lots of desperate people all over Nosgoth. Any humans seeing the dating agency though would perhaps be a little perplexed. There was a sign on the door which clearly read 'vampires welcome'. What kind of vampire would use a dating agency?
"Kain," said Raziel softly. He had drawn the short straw. Kain hadn't gotten off of the bed in some time. He had just been lying there, staring at the ceiling and muttering something unintelligible every now and then. Things had been like this ever since Umah had left him. It was hardly surprising that she had really, given the fact that he had kept calling her "bitch" and threatening to kill her all the time. "Kain... time to get up."
"Go away and let me suffer in peace," said Kain.
"It's time to start rebuilding your life Kain."
"But I'm dead," moaned Kain. "Just like Umah! Aww, everything reminds me of her. I have hair. UMAH HAD HAIR! You smell. UMAH SMELLED!"
"Er... anyway, all of your sons are here to see how you're doing. We're all very concerned about your general well-being. Come downstairs and we'll cheer you up," coaxed Raziel.
"Oh no... ALL of you are here? It just gets worse and worse..."
Kain rolled over and put his hands over his face. He hadn't been himself as of late. How the hell could that stupid woman Umah have done this to him?
"Okay, I'll come down," he said reluctantly. I'll come down to tell all of them to piss off, he thought to himself.
Once down, he noticed his sons standing about awkwardly and silently, but when they caught sight of him, they immediately began talking away.
"Well, piss off then, " said Kain.
"Dad!" cried Turel. "Great to see you up and about again."
"Yup, " said Melchiah. "We were all really worried about you."
"I mean it - get the hell out of my house right now," said Kain unpleasantly. Raziel who had just followed Kain down, would have smiled were that possible. Dad was getting back to his old self already.
"We thought we could all go out for the day," said Turel, ignoring Kain. "It's been a long time since we all went out killing together. It'll be just like old times."
"What are you talking about? We never went out killing together," said Rahab. "We all keep out of each others way as much as possible."
"Yes, well, I still say we do it. It's just what daddy needs, a breath of fresh air. Well, when I say 'breath' I don't really mean... and when I say 'fresh' you know... but it IS air. Yes, I'm quite sure of that," babbled Turel. He failed to notice the look in Kain's eyes.
"Did you just call me DADDY!?" asked Kain in a deceptively un-angry voice.
Wheels began spinning round in Turel's head as he realised he had probably just made the worlds biggest mistake.
"No... I called you... Caddy. Yes, Caddy... short for Kain," said Turel weakly. The wheels were clearly not turning fast enough. In fact, they were jammed and about to get torn apart by Kain.
Raziel, who was not a large fan of violence, decided he had better step in at this point.
"Um... anyway, Kain, we just think it's best you were seen in action once again. Rumours are spreading amongst the humans that you've been killed, since it has been so long since you have been sighted," he said.
Which was true. Kain had once been the most feared vampire in all of Nosgoth. His bizarre personal life had been kept from them, as had his relationship with Umah. Kain had built a legacy, although most of it was untrue. The legends claimed Kain had hunted down and killed all the members of the Circle. In fact this was untrue. He was supposed to have killed them, but they all ran away so fast that he couldn't (be bothered to) catch them. Also the legends claimed that Kain had been asked to sacrifice himself, give his own life to restore the pillars. The truth was that Kain had only been asked to lend a hand in repairing the pillars but he refused, claiming he was much too busy and the pillars fell as a result. Nosgoth had fallen into ruin. The legend just sounded that bit more impressive, so everyone allowed it to be told that way.
"Let the humans think whatever they like, " said Kain.
"They held a big party to celebrate your death," said Dumah.
"THEY DID WHAT!?" yelled Kain.
"Moebius showed up and told everyone he killed you personally," continued Dumah.
"That little bastard, as if HE could kill ME! Ha, don't tell me the mindless fools believed him?"
"Well, I believed him..." began Dumah. If truth be told (which it wasn't going to be by Dumah or anyone else in the room) it was the real reason they had shown up to see Kain. They were all making a very conscious effort to hide their disappointment from him.
"Wait a minute... how exactly do you know all of this Dumah?" enquired Kain. He was standing now with his arms folded, waiting intently for the answer.
"Well, um... Zephon told me!" said Dumah quickly, sending his arm very speedily indeed in Zephon's direction and extending his finger to point at him. Zephon looked around nervously, hoping someone would speak up to support him. No-one did.
"Are those cake crumbs I see around your mouth?" said Kain in a voice that was not angry in itself but suggested that anger would be there very, very soon indeed.
"I have no idea what you mean Kain. Vampires don't eat cake. You must be seeing things," Zephon said nervously.
"Are you suggesting that I, Kain, your father and most powerful vampire in Nosgoth, supreme being, He Who is Never Wrong, Must Always Be Obeyed and Must Never Ever Be Lied To, is SEEING things?"
"What I meant to say was, they may look like cake crumbs, but they are in fact..." he tried to think of something clever. He failed "...something else entirely."
Kain's eyes darkened then he turned and saw something in Turel's hands.
"What is that you have there, Turel?" asked Kain.
"Nothing," said Turel, quickly putting his hands and what was in them behind his back.
"Nothing," repeated Kain before walking forwards towards Turel. "Then show me, my son, exactly what this nothing looks like." Kain put one hand on Turel's shoulder, which Raziel mistakenly thought was supposed to comfort Turel. He was not aware, despite the look of pain on Turel's face, that Kain was squeezing the shoulder with rather more force than was pleasant.
Turel winced then slowly put his hands out in front of him for Kain to inspect. There was nothing in them. This was because he had just dropped it onto the floor in a desperate hope that Kain would somehow fail to notice.
Kain had not failed to notice. A card had fallen on to the floor. Kain's eyes left Turel and looked down at it. Turel glanced nervously at it. He couldn't let Kain see it...
His foot moved just a fraction slower than Kain's hand. What this meant, of course, was that Turel's foot landed on top of Kain's hand instead of the card he had intended to stomp on and cover with his foot.
"ARRGH!" yelled Kain.
"Sorry dad, sorry, it was an accident, my foot slipped, I..." went Turel.
"YOUR FOOT IS STILL ON MY HAND!" screamed Kain.
"Whoops, sorry dad, I didn't..."
"GET OFF OF MY HAND!"
Turel finally caught up and moved his foot off of Kain's hand. Turel grinned nervously.
"Well, it was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake. You can't blame a guy for making a mistake, can you?" said Turel. A lightning bolt flew from Kain's hand and sent Turel flying to the ground.
"Of course you can," said Kain. Returning his attention to the card on the floor he knelt down and picked it up, wary of anyone elses feet wandering in the direction of his hand. He picked it up and saw that it said:
INVITATION
You, Turel, and guests are hereby invited to Moebius' 'Kain is Dead (and I mean GONE dead)' party.
Kain crumpled up the card. Turel got himself back up. He KNEW it had been a mistake to bring the invitation with him. It had just been asking for trouble really.
"You all attended this party then, did you? This 'Kain is Dead' party?" said Kain, his eyes darting about the room at a bunch of vampires who appeared to be inspecting his floor.
"No."
"No."
"Of course not Kain,"
"Absolutely not."
Kain had folded his arms again now.
"You do know what happens to vampires who lie, don't you?" Kain asked, his voice sounding icily-cold.
"Um, do their noses get bigger?" asked Raziel.
"No Raziel. That's not what happens. Not at all," said Kain evilly. The rest of Kain's sons shifted uncomfortably. THEY knew what happened. It wasn't nice.
"Now, allow me to ask again. Did you attend this party?" asked Kain.
Rahab tried desperately to find a loophole.
"When you say 'this' party..." he began.
"When I say 'this' party I mean the party that you know I have been referring to, that being Moebius' 'Kain is Dead' party and if you try to pass it off as a different party then I swear there will be trouble."
"Yes, we were there."
"We stopped by."
"We had cake and sang songs and had a very good time."
Turel closed his eyes.
"I think that was a little more than was really required there Raziel," he said through gritted teeth. Kain had now begun pacing up and down the room.
"Then tell me Raziel, exactly what songs were you all singing?" Kain asked.
Everyone in the room except Kain and Raziel could be visibly seen trying to stop Raziel from talking without saying or doing anything at all.
"One that went:
Ding Dong the vampires dead,
Which vamp?
The ugly vamp!
Ding Dong the asshole's dead!
Ding Dong Kain is dead!" sang Raziel.
Kain stopped pacing for a moment.
"UGLY!? I am NOT ugly. Do you think I'm ugly Raziel?" queried Kain. Raziel, remembering that something bad would happen if he lied answered:
"Yes, yes you are." He said this cheerfully, feeling rather pleased about his honesty.
"WHAT!?"
"You are ugly."
Raziel's cheerfulness faded as Kain used his claws to tear through his head. Raziel faded into the spectral realm and began collecting souls so he could return. In what appeared to Kain and his sons as no time at all, Raziel arrived back.
"Did I say something wrong?" asked Raziel, genuinely unaware of what he had done wrong.
"Raziel?"
"Yes Melchiah?"
"Shut up," instructed Melchiah.
Kain shoved Raziel aside and began thinking. The cheek of Moebius to claim that HE had killed the great Kain, and not only that, but to hold a party!
"This party..." said Kain. "Is it over yet?"
"It doesn't finish for another couple of hours. We left early to check if you were really dea- okay. Yes, dead okay after your split with Umah," answered Turel. Kain turned his back on everyone. He un-crumpled the crumpled invite.
"Then I think it is time Lord Kain paid his respects to the man who apparently killed him."
The first being to see the Dating Agency was Malek. He had arrived in Meridan hot on the trail of Vorador, having been told to take a break from guarding the circle by Moebius (nice guy is Mr Moebius, thought Malek cheerfully) and had decided to track down his enemy in his time off. Well exactly what else was a walking talking suit of armour going to do with his time off? He may as well try to make his own job a bit easier by thinning the vampire ranks, and hey, get a bit of revenge to boot. He had managed to track Vorador as far as here in Meridan, which was rather surprising since Malek was completely useless at every activity on the planet. As he wandered the streets in search of anything that might help him (ideally a bunch of blood-drained corpses) he saw the sign for the dating agency.
It had been a long time since he had been on a date. Being a soul trapped in a suit of armour was not the best way to meet girls. Although the fact was he had always been useless around women, even before then. He often found the only topic of conversation he had was vampire-related. Which wasn't exactly a big turn-on for most women. Or any women Malek had ever met.
There was no way of knowing exactly what was inside the building. All you could see from the outside was the door, the sign, and a whole lot of stone. Malek found his mind wandering from Vorador-related thoughts and the killing-related thoughts that went hand in hand each other. Perhaps he just hadn't met the right girl yet. Maybe she was waiting somewhere out there for him, and perhaps this place could help him find her. Maybe she would even hate Vorador. Maybe she was even a gifted fighter and would accompany him to kill the wretched vampire. Maybe she was even a soul trapped for all eternity in a suit of armour. He could almost hear this fictional being calling out to him and asking him why he hadn't already gone into the dating agency to try and find her.
Walking over to the door, he read the sign that was hung over it.
'Souls trapped in suits of armour welcome' it said.
Realising if he never went in, he would never know, he turned the handle and wandered in.
To be continued...
Disclaimer: Of course I do not own LOK characters , locations or any part of the franchise, and I will not be making any profit whatsoever off of this.
It was early one morning when Nosgoth's first dating agency (brothel's don't count) opened for business. It opened with little fan-fare, and indeed only The Elder God knew of it's existence outside of the agency themselves. But he had little interest in such things. Being a god made the ladies weak at the knees. Of course, there was the fact that he was a giant squid, and didn't have any immediately obvious godly powers. But still, it would be a bit beneath him to use a dating agency.
The name of the place was The Nosgoth Dating Agency. Being the first of it's kind, it's name didn't exactly have to be original. It's home was in Meridan. There were lots of desperate people there. Okay, there were lots of desperate people all over Nosgoth. Any humans seeing the dating agency though would perhaps be a little perplexed. There was a sign on the door which clearly read 'vampires welcome'. What kind of vampire would use a dating agency?
"Kain," said Raziel softly. He had drawn the short straw. Kain hadn't gotten off of the bed in some time. He had just been lying there, staring at the ceiling and muttering something unintelligible every now and then. Things had been like this ever since Umah had left him. It was hardly surprising that she had really, given the fact that he had kept calling her "bitch" and threatening to kill her all the time. "Kain... time to get up."
"Go away and let me suffer in peace," said Kain.
"It's time to start rebuilding your life Kain."
"But I'm dead," moaned Kain. "Just like Umah! Aww, everything reminds me of her. I have hair. UMAH HAD HAIR! You smell. UMAH SMELLED!"
"Er... anyway, all of your sons are here to see how you're doing. We're all very concerned about your general well-being. Come downstairs and we'll cheer you up," coaxed Raziel.
"Oh no... ALL of you are here? It just gets worse and worse..."
Kain rolled over and put his hands over his face. He hadn't been himself as of late. How the hell could that stupid woman Umah have done this to him?
"Okay, I'll come down," he said reluctantly. I'll come down to tell all of them to piss off, he thought to himself.
Once down, he noticed his sons standing about awkwardly and silently, but when they caught sight of him, they immediately began talking away.
"Well, piss off then, " said Kain.
"Dad!" cried Turel. "Great to see you up and about again."
"Yup, " said Melchiah. "We were all really worried about you."
"I mean it - get the hell out of my house right now," said Kain unpleasantly. Raziel who had just followed Kain down, would have smiled were that possible. Dad was getting back to his old self already.
"We thought we could all go out for the day," said Turel, ignoring Kain. "It's been a long time since we all went out killing together. It'll be just like old times."
"What are you talking about? We never went out killing together," said Rahab. "We all keep out of each others way as much as possible."
"Yes, well, I still say we do it. It's just what daddy needs, a breath of fresh air. Well, when I say 'breath' I don't really mean... and when I say 'fresh' you know... but it IS air. Yes, I'm quite sure of that," babbled Turel. He failed to notice the look in Kain's eyes.
"Did you just call me DADDY!?" asked Kain in a deceptively un-angry voice.
Wheels began spinning round in Turel's head as he realised he had probably just made the worlds biggest mistake.
"No... I called you... Caddy. Yes, Caddy... short for Kain," said Turel weakly. The wheels were clearly not turning fast enough. In fact, they were jammed and about to get torn apart by Kain.
Raziel, who was not a large fan of violence, decided he had better step in at this point.
"Um... anyway, Kain, we just think it's best you were seen in action once again. Rumours are spreading amongst the humans that you've been killed, since it has been so long since you have been sighted," he said.
Which was true. Kain had once been the most feared vampire in all of Nosgoth. His bizarre personal life had been kept from them, as had his relationship with Umah. Kain had built a legacy, although most of it was untrue. The legends claimed Kain had hunted down and killed all the members of the Circle. In fact this was untrue. He was supposed to have killed them, but they all ran away so fast that he couldn't (be bothered to) catch them. Also the legends claimed that Kain had been asked to sacrifice himself, give his own life to restore the pillars. The truth was that Kain had only been asked to lend a hand in repairing the pillars but he refused, claiming he was much too busy and the pillars fell as a result. Nosgoth had fallen into ruin. The legend just sounded that bit more impressive, so everyone allowed it to be told that way.
"Let the humans think whatever they like, " said Kain.
"They held a big party to celebrate your death," said Dumah.
"THEY DID WHAT!?" yelled Kain.
"Moebius showed up and told everyone he killed you personally," continued Dumah.
"That little bastard, as if HE could kill ME! Ha, don't tell me the mindless fools believed him?"
"Well, I believed him..." began Dumah. If truth be told (which it wasn't going to be by Dumah or anyone else in the room) it was the real reason they had shown up to see Kain. They were all making a very conscious effort to hide their disappointment from him.
"Wait a minute... how exactly do you know all of this Dumah?" enquired Kain. He was standing now with his arms folded, waiting intently for the answer.
"Well, um... Zephon told me!" said Dumah quickly, sending his arm very speedily indeed in Zephon's direction and extending his finger to point at him. Zephon looked around nervously, hoping someone would speak up to support him. No-one did.
"Are those cake crumbs I see around your mouth?" said Kain in a voice that was not angry in itself but suggested that anger would be there very, very soon indeed.
"I have no idea what you mean Kain. Vampires don't eat cake. You must be seeing things," Zephon said nervously.
"Are you suggesting that I, Kain, your father and most powerful vampire in Nosgoth, supreme being, He Who is Never Wrong, Must Always Be Obeyed and Must Never Ever Be Lied To, is SEEING things?"
"What I meant to say was, they may look like cake crumbs, but they are in fact..." he tried to think of something clever. He failed "...something else entirely."
Kain's eyes darkened then he turned and saw something in Turel's hands.
"What is that you have there, Turel?" asked Kain.
"Nothing," said Turel, quickly putting his hands and what was in them behind his back.
"Nothing," repeated Kain before walking forwards towards Turel. "Then show me, my son, exactly what this nothing looks like." Kain put one hand on Turel's shoulder, which Raziel mistakenly thought was supposed to comfort Turel. He was not aware, despite the look of pain on Turel's face, that Kain was squeezing the shoulder with rather more force than was pleasant.
Turel winced then slowly put his hands out in front of him for Kain to inspect. There was nothing in them. This was because he had just dropped it onto the floor in a desperate hope that Kain would somehow fail to notice.
Kain had not failed to notice. A card had fallen on to the floor. Kain's eyes left Turel and looked down at it. Turel glanced nervously at it. He couldn't let Kain see it...
His foot moved just a fraction slower than Kain's hand. What this meant, of course, was that Turel's foot landed on top of Kain's hand instead of the card he had intended to stomp on and cover with his foot.
"ARRGH!" yelled Kain.
"Sorry dad, sorry, it was an accident, my foot slipped, I..." went Turel.
"YOUR FOOT IS STILL ON MY HAND!" screamed Kain.
"Whoops, sorry dad, I didn't..."
"GET OFF OF MY HAND!"
Turel finally caught up and moved his foot off of Kain's hand. Turel grinned nervously.
"Well, it was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake. You can't blame a guy for making a mistake, can you?" said Turel. A lightning bolt flew from Kain's hand and sent Turel flying to the ground.
"Of course you can," said Kain. Returning his attention to the card on the floor he knelt down and picked it up, wary of anyone elses feet wandering in the direction of his hand. He picked it up and saw that it said:
INVITATION
You, Turel, and guests are hereby invited to Moebius' 'Kain is Dead (and I mean GONE dead)' party.
Kain crumpled up the card. Turel got himself back up. He KNEW it had been a mistake to bring the invitation with him. It had just been asking for trouble really.
"You all attended this party then, did you? This 'Kain is Dead' party?" said Kain, his eyes darting about the room at a bunch of vampires who appeared to be inspecting his floor.
"No."
"No."
"Of course not Kain,"
"Absolutely not."
Kain had folded his arms again now.
"You do know what happens to vampires who lie, don't you?" Kain asked, his voice sounding icily-cold.
"Um, do their noses get bigger?" asked Raziel.
"No Raziel. That's not what happens. Not at all," said Kain evilly. The rest of Kain's sons shifted uncomfortably. THEY knew what happened. It wasn't nice.
"Now, allow me to ask again. Did you attend this party?" asked Kain.
Rahab tried desperately to find a loophole.
"When you say 'this' party..." he began.
"When I say 'this' party I mean the party that you know I have been referring to, that being Moebius' 'Kain is Dead' party and if you try to pass it off as a different party then I swear there will be trouble."
"Yes, we were there."
"We stopped by."
"We had cake and sang songs and had a very good time."
Turel closed his eyes.
"I think that was a little more than was really required there Raziel," he said through gritted teeth. Kain had now begun pacing up and down the room.
"Then tell me Raziel, exactly what songs were you all singing?" Kain asked.
Everyone in the room except Kain and Raziel could be visibly seen trying to stop Raziel from talking without saying or doing anything at all.
"One that went:
Ding Dong the vampires dead,
Which vamp?
The ugly vamp!
Ding Dong the asshole's dead!
Ding Dong Kain is dead!" sang Raziel.
Kain stopped pacing for a moment.
"UGLY!? I am NOT ugly. Do you think I'm ugly Raziel?" queried Kain. Raziel, remembering that something bad would happen if he lied answered:
"Yes, yes you are." He said this cheerfully, feeling rather pleased about his honesty.
"WHAT!?"
"You are ugly."
Raziel's cheerfulness faded as Kain used his claws to tear through his head. Raziel faded into the spectral realm and began collecting souls so he could return. In what appeared to Kain and his sons as no time at all, Raziel arrived back.
"Did I say something wrong?" asked Raziel, genuinely unaware of what he had done wrong.
"Raziel?"
"Yes Melchiah?"
"Shut up," instructed Melchiah.
Kain shoved Raziel aside and began thinking. The cheek of Moebius to claim that HE had killed the great Kain, and not only that, but to hold a party!
"This party..." said Kain. "Is it over yet?"
"It doesn't finish for another couple of hours. We left early to check if you were really dea- okay. Yes, dead okay after your split with Umah," answered Turel. Kain turned his back on everyone. He un-crumpled the crumpled invite.
"Then I think it is time Lord Kain paid his respects to the man who apparently killed him."
The first being to see the Dating Agency was Malek. He had arrived in Meridan hot on the trail of Vorador, having been told to take a break from guarding the circle by Moebius (nice guy is Mr Moebius, thought Malek cheerfully) and had decided to track down his enemy in his time off. Well exactly what else was a walking talking suit of armour going to do with his time off? He may as well try to make his own job a bit easier by thinning the vampire ranks, and hey, get a bit of revenge to boot. He had managed to track Vorador as far as here in Meridan, which was rather surprising since Malek was completely useless at every activity on the planet. As he wandered the streets in search of anything that might help him (ideally a bunch of blood-drained corpses) he saw the sign for the dating agency.
It had been a long time since he had been on a date. Being a soul trapped in a suit of armour was not the best way to meet girls. Although the fact was he had always been useless around women, even before then. He often found the only topic of conversation he had was vampire-related. Which wasn't exactly a big turn-on for most women. Or any women Malek had ever met.
There was no way of knowing exactly what was inside the building. All you could see from the outside was the door, the sign, and a whole lot of stone. Malek found his mind wandering from Vorador-related thoughts and the killing-related thoughts that went hand in hand each other. Perhaps he just hadn't met the right girl yet. Maybe she was waiting somewhere out there for him, and perhaps this place could help him find her. Maybe she would even hate Vorador. Maybe she was even a gifted fighter and would accompany him to kill the wretched vampire. Maybe she was even a soul trapped for all eternity in a suit of armour. He could almost hear this fictional being calling out to him and asking him why he hadn't already gone into the dating agency to try and find her.
Walking over to the door, he read the sign that was hung over it.
'Souls trapped in suits of armour welcome' it said.
Realising if he never went in, he would never know, he turned the handle and wandered in.
To be continued...