It Never Happened
By Iris Anthe
As she sat down to brush out her hair before getting ready for bed, she propped the envelope against the mirror of her vanity. She had kept it near her all day, but always at arms length, feeling the power of her destiny every time she ran her fingers along its edges. It made her lightheaded as she ran through the possibilities of her future if she said yes to the gilt-edged invitation. The Romafeller Foundation, under the influence of Duke Dermaille had issued her a challenge. Would she come to their lair and sing them her song of peace? Perhaps she could convince them, help them realize how desperately they needed to change. They would most likely kill her before she even entered the room.
They underestimated her, and that was their weakness. She was a representative of peace, but she was no dove. Relena smiled dangerously at her reflection. She was no easy prey. She was a falcon, quick, agile and determined. The old buzzards of war had invited her to their aerie in the hopes of trapping her, and bloodying their maws on her unprotected youth. But she had grown very strong in the past few months. She had learned a lot watching Heero Yuy, and the other pilots she had met, Noin, Quatre and her brother the Lightning Count. She would never let her father's death be meaningless. Under the guise of the Peacecraft name, and the death of her biological father, she would avenge her true father's murder. She would take away the power to kill from people who didn't value life, from people who enjoyed hurting others, just to make themselves feel more powerful. She would destroy them.
"I am a new kind of enemy, gentlemen. I will never harm you, but I will destroy you nonetheless."
A shadow detached itself from the darkness by her window and took a step forward.
"So you're going to go."
She jumped up from the vanity, knocking over the chair she'd been sitting in. He was in her room. How long had he been there? How dare he?
"Heero!"
His face was impassive, his lips turned to their usual angle of distain. But she always looked to his eyes to understand his thoughts. They were always honest, no matter how he lied otherwise.
Earlier that day she had finally managed to be alone with him for a few precious moments in the palace garden. She wanted to find out how he managed to keep fighting, even though everyone, even his own colony had abandoned him. At first, he'd seemed happy to see her, but she quickly realized that she was only annoying him. His eyes changed after she sat down into wary stones trying to block out her presence. But she didn't care. She had to ask him; she had to find out how he managed to go on. She wanted to tell him how much she admired his commitment and that she understood his passion for justice. He'd been surprised, and she'd felt somehow that he was about to tell her something vitally important, a revelation of his soul, when Dorothy interrupted them. Dorothy and the invitation--the invitation to her destiny, which was still glaring at her from against her vanity mirror.
The light was dim in her room, being lit only from the small, stained glass lamp on the corner of her dresser. She could see that he was out of the school uniform that he despised, and was dressed instead in his usual green tank top, spandex shorts and tightly laced work boots. Somewhere, most likely in the small of his back, he probably had a gun. He always seemed to carry a gun. Unlike her enemies, though, he didn't enjoy using it.at least she didn't think he did.
"Come to finally kill me, Heero? Are you going to save Duke Dermaille the bother?"
He sneered an appreciative smile at her. "I came to find out if you understood what you were getting yourself into."
Was it possible that this incredible boy who had changed her from a simpering, spoiled child into a righteous political ideologue, who had threatened repeatedly to kill her, and had come quite close to actually doing it.was it possible that he actually cared? No it was not possible. She openly idolized him. He was the standard of truth and strength by which she measured all things, including herself. He was her ideal, and he knew it. But he couldn't even stand the sight of her, let alone care about her. He was only here in her school in order to lay low and gain strength while he figured out what his next step should be, and also because his friend, and fellow Gundam pilot, Quatre had insisted that they stay and protect her efforts at creating a center for the advancement of total pacifism.
"I do understand. But I don't care if they kill me, I have to try to convince them anyway." Her eyes were drawn back to the envelope on the table, the invitation to Hell.
He moved towards her, and as usual, any movement he made in her direction gave her an irrational mixture of mortal fear and giddy expectation. She could smell the warm, leathery musk of his body as he bent down and righted the chair that she had tipped over at his sudden appearance. When he straightened, he didn't back away, but stayed abnormally close to her, invading her personal space. She felt her skin flush, and her breasts tingled, opening like petals to the sun, sensitized by his nearness. Her body reacted to him so severely that it threatened to overrule her mind. His presence was too much for her, and she awkwardly backed away, crossing to the other side of the room to turn on the light on her desk. It was too dark. She turned on the light beside her bed as well. He remained standing by her vanity, watching her move.
Was he going to stay? Why? Maybe he still wanted to talk? He was like a hurricane in a cage, a source of power thrumming on the other side of her room. She walked back to her desk, and pulled out the chair. She carried it over to where Heero was standing, and sat down, motioning for him to do the same. He quirked an eyebrow up at her actions but made the decision to sit. Every action he made was deliberate, considered. Decided.
"What's wrong Heero?"
He sat down, deciding that he didn't really want to leave yet. She was amazing. How could he have known that the tearful little Darlian brat would turn into the embodiment of the future he was fighting for? It didn't make any sense. Relena managed to surprise him continuously, and he was very rarely surprised by anything. She was unpredictable, simply because he never really believed that she was capable of such strength, and because she was so openly honest in her emotions. Those old bastards didn't know what they were getting themselves into, inviting this girl to their council. The truth was she had no real understanding of how the world functioned, and why people desired pain over beauty, but that innocence was like a pure fire within her, and it would burn her enemies like paper dolls.
"They don't have the right to kill you."
"Yes, I know. Only you have that right."
She smiled lovingly at him, and he let out a nervous bark of amusement. She looked a little taken aback by his outburst. She was serious.
"The Romafeller Foundation doesn't care about right and wrong. They'll try to kill you anyway."
He made a quick decision, though he was aware of its faulty logic.
"I'll go with you."
"What? No! There's no way you're coming with me, Heero. You can't afford to be seen. I am certain that Dorothy Catalonia has figured out who you and Quatre are, and I'm sure she's alerted Duke Dermaille of your presence here. They would kill you on sight. Besides, your presence as a Gundam pilot would only hinder my function there as a representative of total pacifism."
She was leaning towards him as she spoke. Her hair held a fragrance of vanilla.
"I would be disguised."
She tilted her head and studied him. He always felt exposed whenever she looked closely at him. Somehow, she had the power to see his true intentions even at times when he did not. It was unnerving. She let out a sigh, and leaned back in her chair, folding her hands in her lap. He watched her close her eyes, taking the opportunity to study her more closely than he had ever dared. She was beautiful. How the strength and fire of her spirit could be housed in such a soft form eluded him. She was still dressed in the prim school uniform of long-sleeved, button down, pink jacket, and long white pleated skirt. Soft, golden hair cascaded warmly past her shoulders. Her skin was luminous in its health, even though it was so pale. Her upper lip formed a classically defined bow, fitting perfectly to the fullness of its bottom mate. He felt a need to touch those lips. He wanted to give a gentle touch to her, something he'd never wanted before in his life. No touch was gentle. All touch had pain. He was a fool to let his bodily needs get mixed up with his esteem for this girl.
She opened her eyes and looked at him with such purity and intensity, mixed with an element of sorrow so deep that his chest grew warm with held back tears just looking into them.
"Heero, I go to sleep tonight with the knowledge that I must make the best effort of my life tomorrow, because I may not live to see the day end."
He bowed his head, acknowledging her decision to die with honor. He could love a woman like her.if love were an option.
I love you Heero Yuy. I'm going to die tomorrow. I love you. These were her thoughts as she sat across from him in her room, in pools of lamplight, sitting close enough to see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.
She let out a small cry of dismay as he suddenly stood up, ending their conversation. Without looking at her, he headed for her balcony. Was he leaving? Trust him to leave via the window. She didn't want him to leave. Talking to him, being near him made tomorrow's trial seem possible. If he left, she knew she'd lose her nerve.
"Don't go." She crossed to where he was standing, the glass door to her balcony already open.
"Please, Heero. I.I don't know what you'll think of me, but I.please don't go."
He turned to face her, and she realized she had her hand on his arm. She immediately let go. What was she doing?
"You give me strength, Heero. You are the reason I can do the thing I know I must do, even though I am afraid. Would you stay, just a little longer?"
He looked at her critically. She felt ashamed, admitting her weakness to him, and openly asking him to stay with her in her room at night. With her head bowed, she watched him walk out onto the balcony and disappear.
She stood there dumbly, feeling tired from the emotional strain of evaluating the worth of her life in front of the man she admired most in the world, and then being rejected by him. After some time, she closed the glass door, and changed into her pajamas, once again eyeing the envelope on her vanity. She decided not to think about it and turned off the lamp on her dresser. She then crossed the room, taking her desk chair back to its place, and turned off the lamp on her desk as well. She went into her bathroom, to perform her pre-bed rituals, trying not to think about tomorrow. Somehow, she couldn't decide which upset her more, facing down the ruling council of the Romafeller Foundation or seeing Heero again. Well, perhaps he would avoid her now.
She climbed in under the soft blankets, feeling the emptiness of her overly large bed, and turned off the light. She turned onto her side, facing away from the balcony window by which Heero had left, and despite herself, felt her throat constrict, and hot tears collect in the corners of her eyes. After a short time, exhausted, she fell asleep.
He sat on the ledge above her balcony, enjoying the fragrance of the night air, and watching the sliver of the moon float in and out of view behind its protective layer of clouds. He didn't allow himself pleasure very often. It had a way of distracting him, if he immersed himself in the beauty of life for any length of time. But he understood the wisdom of acknowledging the miracle of life every now and then. If he could appreciate life, just a little, then he could continue fighting so others could enjoy it in peace, even if he could not. He was a servant of humanity. He had signed that contract long ago, and there was no backing out. Death was his only way out, and he'd proved to be one hard little bastard to kill. But if Relena died, he would try his best to die as well. He knew that without Relena, the future of humanity was destined to end in blood and destruction. And without Relena, he would end as well, but he'd go out fighting, just like her. He would go tomorrow and fight at Luxembourg, the deadliest battlefield, in an attempt to add his strength where it was most needed, and where he would most likely die, and not live to hear about her death, or see her lifeless body delivered into the earth.
The light went out in her room. He imagined her lying in bed, and knew that she was crying, alone and afraid. She had admitted that she needed him, and he'd left without a word.
"I am a cruel son of a bitch."
He smirked into the night. No, you're a coward.
What? Where did that thought come from? He concentrated, trying to ferret out the source of the sentiment. He had learned through the years that it was always best to understand your own motives as completely and honestly as possible. Self-delusion could get you killed.
I'm a coward because I left Relena's room? What good could possibly come from staying with her tonight? Don't you mean, what bad could come from it? Hmmmm. Getting close to others, intimacy of any kind always frightened Heero. Anyone he ever let himself get too close to always died, no matter how strong or fast or clever they were. Even Trowa, the cool and collected Gundam pilot was possibly dead, and he was the first person Heero had allowed himself to even begin to think of as a friend in a very long time. What would happen to Relena?
She's going to die tomorrow, Heero, and so are you.
He suddenly found himself needing to hold her. The feeling was so urgent, he felt like a blind kitten mewling for its mother. He gripped his middle, trying to fight back this need inside of him, and just as suddenly he succumbed.
"Tomorrow we're both going to die. Tonight I am yours, Relena."
She woke, feeling a cool breeze against her cheek. She knew she hadn't been asleep for very long. She sat bolt upright when she felt the bed shift as someone sat down on the other side. She moved to turn on the light.
"Don't turn on the light."
Her heart raced in her chest. Maybe I'm really still asleep? She heard his boots drop onto the floor, and the blankets turned back, as he got into her bed. She felt dizzy with adrenaline as his familiar scent of leather and spice surrounded her.
"Heero?"
She whispered his name, unable to gather the air to speak any louder. Unable to see any more than a dark mass in the bed beside her.
"Come here."
Without thinking, she followed his command, shimmying closer to him in the dark. She could feel warmth radiating out of him, without even touching him. She couldn't make herself move any closer. The sheets rustled as he extended his arms and brought her down to lie next to him, her head resting on his shoulder, her body cradled in the circle of his arms. She was filled with fear that he would leave, that this miracle would be stripped away from her. She silently mouthed the words, "I love you," over and over into the fabric of his tank top, and began to cry.
He rocked her gently, rubbing her back, and making soothing noises as he gently kissed the top of her head, telling her over and over that she shouldn't cry.
"It's alright, Relena. Don't cry. Shhhh. It's alright."
"Why are you doing this, Heero? Why are you staying to comfort me?"
He sighed, and detached himself from her, rolling onto his side, to lean over her in the dark. He ran a finger down the side of her face and gently brushed her bottom lip, leaning even closer to her until she could feel his breath, warm and smelling slightly of coffee on her cheek. Gently he kissed her left temple, her eyelid, the bridge of her nose, and breathed her name into her forehead. She reached up to explore the contours of his face. Strong jaw line, and soft smooth cheek, the wealth of his thick, unruly hair. She ran her fingers through it feeling a thrill of pleasure as she tangled her fingers into its soft satin mass. She traced a finger along the edge of his ear, pausing to gently squeeze its lobe. He shivered at the touch. She moved her hand down his neck, cupping her palm around the life pulsing just below his skin, and traced the edge of his tank top over the dip and swell of his collarbone.
He intertwined his fingers in hers, as her hand came to rest on his chest, and he leaned in and kissed her, gently, his body taught with the tension of keeping himself stable above her. She gasped into his mouth and pressed her body against his, wanting nothing more than to meld with him completely. She imagined being able to melt her body so that it somehow fused into his, making them into one living entity. She imagined seeing through his eyes, touching with his hands, breathing through his lips, with his lungs. It was maddening, this unattainable desire to get closer to him than was physically possible.
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NC-17 scene has been removed. Can be found at Mediaminer.org if interested.
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They lay panting on her bed, covered in sweat, their bodies buzzing and their minds empty of everything save a sensation of complete satisfaction.
"I love you Heero."
He kissed her gently and began to reply, when a knock sounded on her door.
"Miss Relena?" Noin's voice held an edge of alarm on the other side of her door.
Heero quickly pulled out of her, spilling their commingled juices onto the sheets. He jumped up and rolled under her bed.
"What is it Ms. Noin?" Relena gathered up the quilt from the floor and covered herself as quickly as she could.
Noin stuck her head into the room. "Is everything alright Ms. Relena? I thought I heard you shouting." Relena hoped that Noin could not see the idiotic grin that Relena couldn't for the life of her remove from her face.
"No, everything's alright Ms. Noin. Thank you. It was just a dream. I think tomorrow's meeting with the ruling council must have given me a nightmare. I can't really remember it now."
Noin opened the door further and began to walk inside. "Would you like some company?"
"No! No, Ms. Noin. Thank you. NO. I'll be all right. I'd just like to be by myself now. I'll fall back asleep soon. I'm really very tired."
Noin squinted into the darkness of Relena's room, trying to discern whatever it was that was tickling her instincts, telling her that something wasn't right. But Relena had explicitly told her to leave her alone, so she bade her good night, and closed the door behind her. She thought for a moment she heard Relena giggle, and a deep mumbled reply from the other side of the door, and grew suspicious, but quickly dismissed the thought as ridiculous.
"She's only fifteen. An even if he admitted to himself that he likes her, there's no way in Hell he'd try it. He's too much of a professional." And she walked off to check security on the residential wing of the palace before going to bed herself.
Back in Relena's room, Heero had returned to the bed, and they snuggled in a safe ball listening to each other breathe. Just as Relena felt herself drifting into sleep, Heero stirred beside her, and she realized that he was going to leave.
"Heero, do you have to leave?"
"Mmmm-hmmm." He kissed her softly on the cheek and made a decision to tell her a painful lie that would save her from more pain in the future.
"Relena. I need to tell you something that will hurt you."
She stiffened in his arms, and reached to turn on the light. He knew he wouldn't be able to convince her that he was telling the truth if she could see his eyes. He stopped her hand, bringing it back between them, and kissing her fingers to disguise the maneuver.
"Relena, I was raised from a child with special training to make me the perfect soldier. I'm not physically like other people, and I'm not mentally like other people either." She was listening. He could feel her distress, but forced himself to continue. "I have the ability, in case of interrogation by enemy captors, to forget information, so that no matter what they do to me, I will never be able to remember the information they seek."
"That's horrible, Heero."
"If we both survive tomorrow, I will erase tonight from my memory. It will be as though this never happened."
She gasped and pulled away from him, feeling the world drop out from under her. What was he saying? He'd forget? Was that possible? Could he do that? Would he do that?
"Why Heero? Why would you want to forget this?"
He was grateful for the cover of darkness as he committed this crime against his own heart, against the heart of the woman he loved.
"Tomorrow we both go into battle, Relena. I will carry this memory with me as I fight. But if we both survive, there is no future for us, and you will only be a distraction for me in the war to come. I'm sorry, Relena."
"You're sorry?"
I truly am a cruel son of a bitch. But it's for her own good. I can't be this person for her if we survive. This war won't allow it. I would only hurt her more by turning into the perfect soldier again, with no explanation. This is better.
"Please Relena. Try to understand. Please just let us enjoy this tonight."
"Heero, you only came back to me tonight because you think they're going to kill me."
For the second time that night, he found himself crying. He kept the tears silent.
"Well, I'm not going to die, Heero. I'm going to live, and you're going to have to deal with that."
Yes she truly was amazing. He reached out an arm, and gathered her reluctant body into him. He held her, breathing in her scent, which was still perfectly mingled with his own.
"Please, don't try to get me to remember later, Relena. It will only cause you pain. I will NOT remember."
Did she believe him? What if they did survive? How could he face her again? Just how good a liar was he? Her body lost its tension, and she once again tucked herself into him.
"I will never mention this to you, Heero. I will simply know that you're lying to me, and that every time you look at me, you will be feeling my skin beneath your hands."
He smiled miserably into the darkness and didn't reply.
By Iris Anthe
As she sat down to brush out her hair before getting ready for bed, she propped the envelope against the mirror of her vanity. She had kept it near her all day, but always at arms length, feeling the power of her destiny every time she ran her fingers along its edges. It made her lightheaded as she ran through the possibilities of her future if she said yes to the gilt-edged invitation. The Romafeller Foundation, under the influence of Duke Dermaille had issued her a challenge. Would she come to their lair and sing them her song of peace? Perhaps she could convince them, help them realize how desperately they needed to change. They would most likely kill her before she even entered the room.
They underestimated her, and that was their weakness. She was a representative of peace, but she was no dove. Relena smiled dangerously at her reflection. She was no easy prey. She was a falcon, quick, agile and determined. The old buzzards of war had invited her to their aerie in the hopes of trapping her, and bloodying their maws on her unprotected youth. But she had grown very strong in the past few months. She had learned a lot watching Heero Yuy, and the other pilots she had met, Noin, Quatre and her brother the Lightning Count. She would never let her father's death be meaningless. Under the guise of the Peacecraft name, and the death of her biological father, she would avenge her true father's murder. She would take away the power to kill from people who didn't value life, from people who enjoyed hurting others, just to make themselves feel more powerful. She would destroy them.
"I am a new kind of enemy, gentlemen. I will never harm you, but I will destroy you nonetheless."
A shadow detached itself from the darkness by her window and took a step forward.
"So you're going to go."
She jumped up from the vanity, knocking over the chair she'd been sitting in. He was in her room. How long had he been there? How dare he?
"Heero!"
His face was impassive, his lips turned to their usual angle of distain. But she always looked to his eyes to understand his thoughts. They were always honest, no matter how he lied otherwise.
Earlier that day she had finally managed to be alone with him for a few precious moments in the palace garden. She wanted to find out how he managed to keep fighting, even though everyone, even his own colony had abandoned him. At first, he'd seemed happy to see her, but she quickly realized that she was only annoying him. His eyes changed after she sat down into wary stones trying to block out her presence. But she didn't care. She had to ask him; she had to find out how he managed to go on. She wanted to tell him how much she admired his commitment and that she understood his passion for justice. He'd been surprised, and she'd felt somehow that he was about to tell her something vitally important, a revelation of his soul, when Dorothy interrupted them. Dorothy and the invitation--the invitation to her destiny, which was still glaring at her from against her vanity mirror.
The light was dim in her room, being lit only from the small, stained glass lamp on the corner of her dresser. She could see that he was out of the school uniform that he despised, and was dressed instead in his usual green tank top, spandex shorts and tightly laced work boots. Somewhere, most likely in the small of his back, he probably had a gun. He always seemed to carry a gun. Unlike her enemies, though, he didn't enjoy using it.at least she didn't think he did.
"Come to finally kill me, Heero? Are you going to save Duke Dermaille the bother?"
He sneered an appreciative smile at her. "I came to find out if you understood what you were getting yourself into."
Was it possible that this incredible boy who had changed her from a simpering, spoiled child into a righteous political ideologue, who had threatened repeatedly to kill her, and had come quite close to actually doing it.was it possible that he actually cared? No it was not possible. She openly idolized him. He was the standard of truth and strength by which she measured all things, including herself. He was her ideal, and he knew it. But he couldn't even stand the sight of her, let alone care about her. He was only here in her school in order to lay low and gain strength while he figured out what his next step should be, and also because his friend, and fellow Gundam pilot, Quatre had insisted that they stay and protect her efforts at creating a center for the advancement of total pacifism.
"I do understand. But I don't care if they kill me, I have to try to convince them anyway." Her eyes were drawn back to the envelope on the table, the invitation to Hell.
He moved towards her, and as usual, any movement he made in her direction gave her an irrational mixture of mortal fear and giddy expectation. She could smell the warm, leathery musk of his body as he bent down and righted the chair that she had tipped over at his sudden appearance. When he straightened, he didn't back away, but stayed abnormally close to her, invading her personal space. She felt her skin flush, and her breasts tingled, opening like petals to the sun, sensitized by his nearness. Her body reacted to him so severely that it threatened to overrule her mind. His presence was too much for her, and she awkwardly backed away, crossing to the other side of the room to turn on the light on her desk. It was too dark. She turned on the light beside her bed as well. He remained standing by her vanity, watching her move.
Was he going to stay? Why? Maybe he still wanted to talk? He was like a hurricane in a cage, a source of power thrumming on the other side of her room. She walked back to her desk, and pulled out the chair. She carried it over to where Heero was standing, and sat down, motioning for him to do the same. He quirked an eyebrow up at her actions but made the decision to sit. Every action he made was deliberate, considered. Decided.
"What's wrong Heero?"
He sat down, deciding that he didn't really want to leave yet. She was amazing. How could he have known that the tearful little Darlian brat would turn into the embodiment of the future he was fighting for? It didn't make any sense. Relena managed to surprise him continuously, and he was very rarely surprised by anything. She was unpredictable, simply because he never really believed that she was capable of such strength, and because she was so openly honest in her emotions. Those old bastards didn't know what they were getting themselves into, inviting this girl to their council. The truth was she had no real understanding of how the world functioned, and why people desired pain over beauty, but that innocence was like a pure fire within her, and it would burn her enemies like paper dolls.
"They don't have the right to kill you."
"Yes, I know. Only you have that right."
She smiled lovingly at him, and he let out a nervous bark of amusement. She looked a little taken aback by his outburst. She was serious.
"The Romafeller Foundation doesn't care about right and wrong. They'll try to kill you anyway."
He made a quick decision, though he was aware of its faulty logic.
"I'll go with you."
"What? No! There's no way you're coming with me, Heero. You can't afford to be seen. I am certain that Dorothy Catalonia has figured out who you and Quatre are, and I'm sure she's alerted Duke Dermaille of your presence here. They would kill you on sight. Besides, your presence as a Gundam pilot would only hinder my function there as a representative of total pacifism."
She was leaning towards him as she spoke. Her hair held a fragrance of vanilla.
"I would be disguised."
She tilted her head and studied him. He always felt exposed whenever she looked closely at him. Somehow, she had the power to see his true intentions even at times when he did not. It was unnerving. She let out a sigh, and leaned back in her chair, folding her hands in her lap. He watched her close her eyes, taking the opportunity to study her more closely than he had ever dared. She was beautiful. How the strength and fire of her spirit could be housed in such a soft form eluded him. She was still dressed in the prim school uniform of long-sleeved, button down, pink jacket, and long white pleated skirt. Soft, golden hair cascaded warmly past her shoulders. Her skin was luminous in its health, even though it was so pale. Her upper lip formed a classically defined bow, fitting perfectly to the fullness of its bottom mate. He felt a need to touch those lips. He wanted to give a gentle touch to her, something he'd never wanted before in his life. No touch was gentle. All touch had pain. He was a fool to let his bodily needs get mixed up with his esteem for this girl.
She opened her eyes and looked at him with such purity and intensity, mixed with an element of sorrow so deep that his chest grew warm with held back tears just looking into them.
"Heero, I go to sleep tonight with the knowledge that I must make the best effort of my life tomorrow, because I may not live to see the day end."
He bowed his head, acknowledging her decision to die with honor. He could love a woman like her.if love were an option.
I love you Heero Yuy. I'm going to die tomorrow. I love you. These were her thoughts as she sat across from him in her room, in pools of lamplight, sitting close enough to see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.
She let out a small cry of dismay as he suddenly stood up, ending their conversation. Without looking at her, he headed for her balcony. Was he leaving? Trust him to leave via the window. She didn't want him to leave. Talking to him, being near him made tomorrow's trial seem possible. If he left, she knew she'd lose her nerve.
"Don't go." She crossed to where he was standing, the glass door to her balcony already open.
"Please, Heero. I.I don't know what you'll think of me, but I.please don't go."
He turned to face her, and she realized she had her hand on his arm. She immediately let go. What was she doing?
"You give me strength, Heero. You are the reason I can do the thing I know I must do, even though I am afraid. Would you stay, just a little longer?"
He looked at her critically. She felt ashamed, admitting her weakness to him, and openly asking him to stay with her in her room at night. With her head bowed, she watched him walk out onto the balcony and disappear.
She stood there dumbly, feeling tired from the emotional strain of evaluating the worth of her life in front of the man she admired most in the world, and then being rejected by him. After some time, she closed the glass door, and changed into her pajamas, once again eyeing the envelope on her vanity. She decided not to think about it and turned off the lamp on her dresser. She then crossed the room, taking her desk chair back to its place, and turned off the lamp on her desk as well. She went into her bathroom, to perform her pre-bed rituals, trying not to think about tomorrow. Somehow, she couldn't decide which upset her more, facing down the ruling council of the Romafeller Foundation or seeing Heero again. Well, perhaps he would avoid her now.
She climbed in under the soft blankets, feeling the emptiness of her overly large bed, and turned off the light. She turned onto her side, facing away from the balcony window by which Heero had left, and despite herself, felt her throat constrict, and hot tears collect in the corners of her eyes. After a short time, exhausted, she fell asleep.
He sat on the ledge above her balcony, enjoying the fragrance of the night air, and watching the sliver of the moon float in and out of view behind its protective layer of clouds. He didn't allow himself pleasure very often. It had a way of distracting him, if he immersed himself in the beauty of life for any length of time. But he understood the wisdom of acknowledging the miracle of life every now and then. If he could appreciate life, just a little, then he could continue fighting so others could enjoy it in peace, even if he could not. He was a servant of humanity. He had signed that contract long ago, and there was no backing out. Death was his only way out, and he'd proved to be one hard little bastard to kill. But if Relena died, he would try his best to die as well. He knew that without Relena, the future of humanity was destined to end in blood and destruction. And without Relena, he would end as well, but he'd go out fighting, just like her. He would go tomorrow and fight at Luxembourg, the deadliest battlefield, in an attempt to add his strength where it was most needed, and where he would most likely die, and not live to hear about her death, or see her lifeless body delivered into the earth.
The light went out in her room. He imagined her lying in bed, and knew that she was crying, alone and afraid. She had admitted that she needed him, and he'd left without a word.
"I am a cruel son of a bitch."
He smirked into the night. No, you're a coward.
What? Where did that thought come from? He concentrated, trying to ferret out the source of the sentiment. He had learned through the years that it was always best to understand your own motives as completely and honestly as possible. Self-delusion could get you killed.
I'm a coward because I left Relena's room? What good could possibly come from staying with her tonight? Don't you mean, what bad could come from it? Hmmmm. Getting close to others, intimacy of any kind always frightened Heero. Anyone he ever let himself get too close to always died, no matter how strong or fast or clever they were. Even Trowa, the cool and collected Gundam pilot was possibly dead, and he was the first person Heero had allowed himself to even begin to think of as a friend in a very long time. What would happen to Relena?
She's going to die tomorrow, Heero, and so are you.
He suddenly found himself needing to hold her. The feeling was so urgent, he felt like a blind kitten mewling for its mother. He gripped his middle, trying to fight back this need inside of him, and just as suddenly he succumbed.
"Tomorrow we're both going to die. Tonight I am yours, Relena."
She woke, feeling a cool breeze against her cheek. She knew she hadn't been asleep for very long. She sat bolt upright when she felt the bed shift as someone sat down on the other side. She moved to turn on the light.
"Don't turn on the light."
Her heart raced in her chest. Maybe I'm really still asleep? She heard his boots drop onto the floor, and the blankets turned back, as he got into her bed. She felt dizzy with adrenaline as his familiar scent of leather and spice surrounded her.
"Heero?"
She whispered his name, unable to gather the air to speak any louder. Unable to see any more than a dark mass in the bed beside her.
"Come here."
Without thinking, she followed his command, shimmying closer to him in the dark. She could feel warmth radiating out of him, without even touching him. She couldn't make herself move any closer. The sheets rustled as he extended his arms and brought her down to lie next to him, her head resting on his shoulder, her body cradled in the circle of his arms. She was filled with fear that he would leave, that this miracle would be stripped away from her. She silently mouthed the words, "I love you," over and over into the fabric of his tank top, and began to cry.
He rocked her gently, rubbing her back, and making soothing noises as he gently kissed the top of her head, telling her over and over that she shouldn't cry.
"It's alright, Relena. Don't cry. Shhhh. It's alright."
"Why are you doing this, Heero? Why are you staying to comfort me?"
He sighed, and detached himself from her, rolling onto his side, to lean over her in the dark. He ran a finger down the side of her face and gently brushed her bottom lip, leaning even closer to her until she could feel his breath, warm and smelling slightly of coffee on her cheek. Gently he kissed her left temple, her eyelid, the bridge of her nose, and breathed her name into her forehead. She reached up to explore the contours of his face. Strong jaw line, and soft smooth cheek, the wealth of his thick, unruly hair. She ran her fingers through it feeling a thrill of pleasure as she tangled her fingers into its soft satin mass. She traced a finger along the edge of his ear, pausing to gently squeeze its lobe. He shivered at the touch. She moved her hand down his neck, cupping her palm around the life pulsing just below his skin, and traced the edge of his tank top over the dip and swell of his collarbone.
He intertwined his fingers in hers, as her hand came to rest on his chest, and he leaned in and kissed her, gently, his body taught with the tension of keeping himself stable above her. She gasped into his mouth and pressed her body against his, wanting nothing more than to meld with him completely. She imagined being able to melt her body so that it somehow fused into his, making them into one living entity. She imagined seeing through his eyes, touching with his hands, breathing through his lips, with his lungs. It was maddening, this unattainable desire to get closer to him than was physically possible.
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NC-17 scene has been removed. Can be found at Mediaminer.org if interested.
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They lay panting on her bed, covered in sweat, their bodies buzzing and their minds empty of everything save a sensation of complete satisfaction.
"I love you Heero."
He kissed her gently and began to reply, when a knock sounded on her door.
"Miss Relena?" Noin's voice held an edge of alarm on the other side of her door.
Heero quickly pulled out of her, spilling their commingled juices onto the sheets. He jumped up and rolled under her bed.
"What is it Ms. Noin?" Relena gathered up the quilt from the floor and covered herself as quickly as she could.
Noin stuck her head into the room. "Is everything alright Ms. Relena? I thought I heard you shouting." Relena hoped that Noin could not see the idiotic grin that Relena couldn't for the life of her remove from her face.
"No, everything's alright Ms. Noin. Thank you. It was just a dream. I think tomorrow's meeting with the ruling council must have given me a nightmare. I can't really remember it now."
Noin opened the door further and began to walk inside. "Would you like some company?"
"No! No, Ms. Noin. Thank you. NO. I'll be all right. I'd just like to be by myself now. I'll fall back asleep soon. I'm really very tired."
Noin squinted into the darkness of Relena's room, trying to discern whatever it was that was tickling her instincts, telling her that something wasn't right. But Relena had explicitly told her to leave her alone, so she bade her good night, and closed the door behind her. She thought for a moment she heard Relena giggle, and a deep mumbled reply from the other side of the door, and grew suspicious, but quickly dismissed the thought as ridiculous.
"She's only fifteen. An even if he admitted to himself that he likes her, there's no way in Hell he'd try it. He's too much of a professional." And she walked off to check security on the residential wing of the palace before going to bed herself.
Back in Relena's room, Heero had returned to the bed, and they snuggled in a safe ball listening to each other breathe. Just as Relena felt herself drifting into sleep, Heero stirred beside her, and she realized that he was going to leave.
"Heero, do you have to leave?"
"Mmmm-hmmm." He kissed her softly on the cheek and made a decision to tell her a painful lie that would save her from more pain in the future.
"Relena. I need to tell you something that will hurt you."
She stiffened in his arms, and reached to turn on the light. He knew he wouldn't be able to convince her that he was telling the truth if she could see his eyes. He stopped her hand, bringing it back between them, and kissing her fingers to disguise the maneuver.
"Relena, I was raised from a child with special training to make me the perfect soldier. I'm not physically like other people, and I'm not mentally like other people either." She was listening. He could feel her distress, but forced himself to continue. "I have the ability, in case of interrogation by enemy captors, to forget information, so that no matter what they do to me, I will never be able to remember the information they seek."
"That's horrible, Heero."
"If we both survive tomorrow, I will erase tonight from my memory. It will be as though this never happened."
She gasped and pulled away from him, feeling the world drop out from under her. What was he saying? He'd forget? Was that possible? Could he do that? Would he do that?
"Why Heero? Why would you want to forget this?"
He was grateful for the cover of darkness as he committed this crime against his own heart, against the heart of the woman he loved.
"Tomorrow we both go into battle, Relena. I will carry this memory with me as I fight. But if we both survive, there is no future for us, and you will only be a distraction for me in the war to come. I'm sorry, Relena."
"You're sorry?"
I truly am a cruel son of a bitch. But it's for her own good. I can't be this person for her if we survive. This war won't allow it. I would only hurt her more by turning into the perfect soldier again, with no explanation. This is better.
"Please Relena. Try to understand. Please just let us enjoy this tonight."
"Heero, you only came back to me tonight because you think they're going to kill me."
For the second time that night, he found himself crying. He kept the tears silent.
"Well, I'm not going to die, Heero. I'm going to live, and you're going to have to deal with that."
Yes she truly was amazing. He reached out an arm, and gathered her reluctant body into him. He held her, breathing in her scent, which was still perfectly mingled with his own.
"Please, don't try to get me to remember later, Relena. It will only cause you pain. I will NOT remember."
Did she believe him? What if they did survive? How could he face her again? Just how good a liar was he? Her body lost its tension, and she once again tucked herself into him.
"I will never mention this to you, Heero. I will simply know that you're lying to me, and that every time you look at me, you will be feeling my skin beneath your hands."
He smiled miserably into the darkness and didn't reply.