Most Victors felt guilty about killing other Tributes. I didn't, but I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty. To a Career, killing was just part of the Games. It was even harder to feel guilty when all my opponents were volunteers as well. The only one of us who was innocent was Mist, weirdly enough. The only thing I was sad about was losing my friends, which was selfish. I should have been sad about everyone who died, not just the ones I was with.
I liked living in the Victor's Village, even though sometimes I felt like I didn't fit in with the other Victors. They were all so strong and toned. It took me three times to win, and I felt inadequate. I took a house a few spots down from Pray's. We had a lot more occupants in our Village than most, but somehow all the houses around Pray were empty. There was always a party going on somewhere in the village, and we went to them when we felt like it. More often we prowled around by ourselves and got into mischief.
It was hard to really agree with Pray when she told me I looked good. She always wanted me to gain about five pounds, but I thought I'd really be pretty if I lost five. It felt like I was letting myself go if I didn't keep an eye on my diet. I was listless without the order and security my regimented meals brought me. I finally settled on a compromise. Instead of losing weight, I focused on maintaining it. I'd eat three times a day, but I made sure to exercise and not to overindulge. I shifted my attention from "skinny" to "healthy" and tried to be content with the reasonably slender body the Gamemakers gave me.
The hardest times were when I had to go back to the Capitol for reunions or talk show appearances. The lavish banquets were always accompanied by those lovely little vials that could let me eat as much as I wanted and never gain weight. After years of sticking my finger down my throat, it was an unbearable temptation. If I didn't go, Pray would be suspicious, so I spent the nights plastered to the wall nibbling fruit.
I went through cycles of good and bad periods. Some months I felt like I might actually be sexy. Other months I snuck into the bathroom while Pray was teaching in the Academy. I thought after I got skinny, all the bad feelings would go away. Instead, they just got quieter sometimes. It seemed problems like mine didn't really go away, they just got better. I'd always wonder if I was fat in the back of my head, but I could deal with it. I had people to support me and I had other hobbies to focus on, like finding my talent. I'd already proven I was stronger than I thought. The worst was over, and I was ready for what came next.
That should do it. This story moved faster because the Tributes were fiercer, but the next one should be more sedate. Next up is a normal Games, since All-Stars ones are harder to write. The non-Career All-Stars will come after that. I'm sure I'll see most of you there.