Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds.

September 2015

Today should have been the best day of her entire life.

She can't stop playing what if.

It's a sick game that keeps her up at night, one that is destroying what little progress she is making in her life.

But of all days to think about it, to turn over and inspect every 'what if', it's today. She deserves to let herself re-live every moment, to sink into the agony that it brings.

What if she'd taken that call from Carly- the one she ignored because she was already running late to his office?

If she had, would today be the best day of her life? After all, today is when she was expecting to finally meet the little one she was just beginning to feel inside of her.

It was a boy.

She found it out hours after she finally stopped screaming. From a tired doctor with round glasses and a sympathetic expression that made her want to throw a chair through a window. She'd never been violent before getting shot. Sometimes she wonders if the bullet poisoned her- turned her into someone else entirely, stripping her of what she was before.

What if she had called him to and rescheduled and stayed in bed that day, like she wanted to, when she realized her morning sickness was going to wreck havoc on her.

Would she be holding a baby right now? Holding their baby, crying with joy and exhaustion.

When she really wants to torture herself she thinks about what that day would be like. The excitement, the fear, the anticipation. She thinks that Spencer would've been the perfect partner to go through it with, holding her hand and whispering encouragements- thinks maybe he would've cried when he finally met his son.

But she was too excited to finally see his office, too excited to finally see that other side of his life. It didn't matter how sick she felt, or how much she wanted to stay in bed- she wanted to be with him more.

She leans forward and presses her forehead to the glass window in front of her. The rain outside has been relentless and she watches as the droplets streak down in rivulets.

What if she'd insisted they go out for lunch after he showed her around the bull pen?

What would he look like? Would he have Spencer's eyes? Hazel ones that focused so intently on everything. Would he have her nose, and smile? Would he be a perfect blend of the two? Would he grow up with Spencer's brain- she sends a quick prayer that their baby grows up with- reality crashes back in. Some small part let herself forget for a moment.

And it's those thoughts, those moments where she forgets- even for less than a heart beat- that sends a sorrow so deep through her she can't do anything but let herself drown.

What if she'd sat on a chair and not his desk?

Then maybe she would turn over and see him, holding the proof of their love between them. And maybe that would be the best sight in the entire world- the love of her life and their child. Maybe she would sink into bed each night and let his heart beat lull her to sleep like it had done for so many months.

Maybe life would be more than this feeling of crippling panic and anger.

Maybe... maybe she-

But those thoughts are useless.

She hadn't answered Carly's call, she hadn't stayed in bed, she hadn't convinced him to go out for lunch and she worst of all, she hadn't sat somewhere else.

And then she's forcing herself not to spiral into that train of thinking.

"Excuse me, Miss, are you okay?"

The voice snaps her out of some of her darker musings. She takes her head off the glass and looks up at the owner of the voice. It's her waitress, a young girl somewhere in her late teens with electric purple hair and a look of concern on her heavily made up face.

"So sorry, yes, thank you for asking."

"Not a problem. You just looked... well... ehm, never mind. I just wanted to also let you know that we actually close at 6 on Sundays... " The waitress is obviously uncomfortable.

She looks quickly at her watch and checks the time. It's 6:02.

Embarrassed she pulls out her wallet and leaves a larger than normal tip on the table. She hadn't realized how long she had stayed.

"I'm so sorry, I would've left sooner had I realized the time." She apologizes to the waitress.

"Please don't apologize, it's okay, really- I would've said something earlier but you just seemed.. sorry, don't worry about it. Please- I hope you have a great rest of your night. Please feel free to come back anytime. Tomorrow we're open until 9."

"Thank you, I will. I-" She's putting on her coat, walking towards the exit, when she notices the bump under the girl's uniform.

She's seen a lot of pregnant women since the shooting, seen dozens of babies held by doting parents at parks and in grocery stores so she doesn't understand why she suddenly is struck when she notices the waitress is pregnant.

Her face must've given away her shock because the girl follows her line of sight and immediately snakes a protective hand around her belly. The soon to be mother's mouth tightens into a hard line.

"I know, I'm young but I'm older than I look. I graduated high school so if you're about to lecture me about being this young and pregnant I'm going to tell you that the owner here fully supports her employees and I won't tolerate criticisms or strangers berating me. You can take your tip back if you want, but I won't listen to more-"

"No- no!" She cuts the girl off, aghast, "I'm so sorry for giving you the wrong impression. I would never say anything of the sort-I was just surprised. Please- I don't think that- just- just congratulations." And she smiles for what feels like the first time in ages. It stuns her, how brave that girl must be to stand up for herself to a complete stranger, how many times she must probably defend herself and her unborn child. How lucky that child will be, to have a future mom like that.

Whatever tirade the waitress was expecting, it wasn't that.

"Oh, I- I shouldn't have gone off. I'm so sorry, earlier today I had a couple say some horrible things and I- oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Do you- do you want to speak to a manager? I completely understand if-"

"Not at all! You're quite alright." She laughs, and she's surprised to find that it's genuine. "I should be the one apologizing. First I make you stay late and now I cause this misunderstanding. Don't apologize to me at all. I'll get out of your hair... congratulations again."

And then she's shrugging on the rest of her coat and pulling the door open.

"Thank you... and thank you for congratulating me. You're the only person who's actually done that." The waitress says, making her stop once again.

She turns back to the girl. She's a tiny little thing- knobby knees and swirling tattoos that peak out of the sleeves of her uniform. There's something so innocent in her face, even under the dark makeup and pierced eyebrows.

The girl must see something back in her own expression because she continues.

"It wasn't unplanned you know. I mean it wasn't exactly planned, but I wasn't upset by it. Toby- my boyfriend- he wasn't either. We knew we were going to start a family one day. It just happened sooner rather than later and... not even my mom congratulated me. So thank you. We're excited about it and no one's congratulated us yet."

She wants to say so many things in response. She wants to tell her she understands because that's exactly what happened to her too. She'd known from that first kiss with Spencer that he was going to be the one she wanted forever with, that if she could pick anyone to start a family with it would be him. And while she'd been surprised, shocked, startled- a plethora of things- when the test came up positive, the one thing she hadn't felt was upset. But she had been congratulated- Penelope had all but drowned them in a river of tears and confetti poppers. Her friends had sent her flowers and taken her out for a toast, giggling when she saluted with sparkling apple cider.

"That baby is lucky to have you." She tells her, feeling an impossible wave of emotion sweeping through. She's felt so much today she's frankly shocked she hasn't gone numb from all the emotion.

And then she's leaving before the girl can say anything else.

Thoughts erupt inside of her.

For the first time in a long time she's not thinking about now. She's remembering- remembering how it felt to learn she was going to bring a new life into the world. Remembering how nervous she was to tell him- how indescribable the smile on his face was when she finally told him.

For just a little while she walks the streets, letting the pouring rain wash away some of her sadness, letting the memories breath some warmth and life back in her.

And not for the first time she realizes they never really talked about it.

She was so broken that entire month afterwards, desperately asking for help but never loud enough to be heard and then- then she had just left. She had begged him to go with her, yes, but ultimately she had just upped and left. They hadn't ever talked about it, what life would be like, what they were feeling. Back then she didn't have the ability to ask him how he must be feeling because she was so lost in her own pain. So lost in her shock and grief and trauma.

He had spent those precious months after he found about the baby talking about how happy he was, how thankful he was, how utterly terrified and excited and in love he was about the future, about their future. She knew he was in pain as well, but what she'd felt- what she was still feeling-eclipsed everything.

Did he realize what today was? He must- he never forgot a moment of anything. And more than anything she wants to ask him about it.

Almost without thought she's pulling out of her phone and clicking on the one contact she promised herself she'd never call. It's a promise she's kept to herself since May, all those months ago. It rings once before heading straight to voicemail.

"Hi Spence, it's me..."

TBC..