Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Beta: the awesomest rainy rhapsody

Uchiha Itachi, young prodigy and mass murderer of the legendary Uchiha clan, stared at the white slip paper given to him by his leader with curiosity that was so well hidden, only he knew of it.

"Why?" he asked flatly. His face and chakra perfectly masked his curiosity and surprise that would have otherwise leaked into his question.

Konan answered instead of Pein, who was busy adding more crumbled paper to the little white mountain forming at his left with every discarded paper. "We are criminals" as if that was the simplest answer she had ever given and Itachi should have seen it from a mile away.

Itachi's only response was to blink slowly. He glanced around and saw Tobi lying on his belly on the floor, happily drawing with crayons as Hidan used his own blood to illustrate, swearing under his breath. Sasori, who was behind Tobi, used his robotic tail to sketch while Deidara opted to sculpt with his clay, giving his paper to a humming Tobi. At the coffee table, Pein and Konan were drawing animatedly, and whispering ideas from time to time. Kakazu was on the single couch, busy counting his precious money, while his paper remained pristine white.

"Why?" asked Itachi again, turning to look at his partner for help. However while Itachi was silently questioning his existence, Kisame had taken a pen in his hand and had begun to drawing without question.

As if feeling Itachi's intense stare, the criminal swordsman looked up. "Isn't it obvious? We are criminals and we need some kind a trademark. You know." The Kiri ninja flapped his hand to explain his point, which further confused and, now, irritated the Uchiha. When Itachi kept staring with slightly narrowed eyes, Kisame, in a loss on how to explain, shot pleading looks around, hoping that the gathered criminals could.

"Something that will bang fear in the hearts of our opponents, un," spoke up Deidara, his eye never leaving his bizarre creation. Sasori's eye twitched, but the blond's attention had already returned to his work and used more of his chakra to harden his clay to his liking.

Kisame's lip twitched as the younger Uchiha finally got the idea. The ex-Konoha nin's head tilted to the side while his sharingan started to spin faster. If it wasn't so intimidating, the childish spark in Itachi's eyes could have been seen as adorable. With barely hidden eagerness, Itachi sat down to sketch his own uniform idea for the Akatsuki, easily accepting the silly idea without further questioning.

Several minutes later - when the group of missing ninja ran out of paper and no one was suicidal enough to demand from Konan to make more - they gathered up at the round dinner table with their suggestions. Konan and Pein sat at the head of the table and the blue haired woman turned to the bounty hunter.

"Kakazu," she said too sweetly, which failed to hide her sharp smile. "Please, tell us why your paper is blank and be sure to have a valid reason." None missed the steel edge in the Konan's voice, and the group of men, who were all highly dangerous criminals across the whole continent, shuddered in front of the small blue haired woman.

Kakazu shrugged to hide his shaking shoulders. "As long as it's cheap, the design doesn't matter."

Konan fought hard not to twitch in irritation when she heard Deidara whisper, "I called it,"' and take ten ryo from Tobi. Taking a hopefully calming breath, the blue haired woman probed the bounty hunter. "For it to be fair, everyone must give a suggestion." Konan spoke slowly putting emphasis on 'must', as if the criminals in front of her were slow in the head. She also narrowed her eyes when Kakazu stifled a snort.

Kakazu, doing the smart thing, stopped and he looked thoughtful for a second before replying reluctantly, "Dollar signs."

Hidan's head snapped at his partner in fury while Deidara choked on thin air as Tobi flapped his arms around in panic. "You can't Kakazu-senpai!"

Hidan snarled a curse and swung his scythe at the bounty hunter in a deadly arc. "In the holy name of Jashin, the fuck Kakazu?" Kakazu dodged the sharp weapon expertly and effortlessly, already used to his teammate's volatile manners. "Don't go fucking break the fourth wall! You want Jashin's ire on our fucking heads?"

The orange haired leader rubbed his temples in defeat. "Why don't we proceed with the other designs?" he (pleaded)ordered.

Eager to show, Itachi extended his paper to Konan who accepted it with a small smile, which froze abruptly when she saw the context of the design. The whole Akatsuki peered at the paper which contained weird, red and white, roundish things that made absolutely no sense over a high collared jacket. Konan stared down at the wriggly shapes and forced herself to attempt to identify them. When she failed to do so, she asked; "Itachi these are supposed to be..." The paper user trailed off, not sure how to ask without angering the Uchiha.

"Tomoe," was the Uchiha's simple answer. "Inside an Uchiha fan."

Silence greeted him.

All heads turned to the paper for a closer look. "OH." The collective response was the same but with different tones.

"Still doesn't look like tomoe," commented Kakazu, scrunching his eyes.

"Even with the clan wiped out, you managed to embarrass your ancestors Uchiha," Sasori said, flicking his metal tail around in boredom.

Kisame leaned on his gigantic sword and cocked his blue head to the side. "Well, if you look at it backwards… it resembles a fan." He tried to help out his partner who started to twitch in micro levels.

The Jashin follower snorted mockingly. "A fucking fan that was mutilated by a rapid bear."

Tobi gave the younger Uchiha enthusiastic thumbs up. "At least you tried Itachi-sempai!" he tried to sound supportive and failed. Itachi's kunai landed a millimeter to Tobi's unprotected neck in a flash. The masked man squawked like a terrified duck and hid behind the blond artist who was still snickering at Itachi's lack of artistic skill.

Zetsu popped from the middle of the table and his eyes widened with surprise and admiration. "The Uchiha genius is also an artistic genius."

"Oh my God-"

"Jashin." interrupted Hidan.

"This abomination is not art." He flipped his blond ponytail to the side with a sneer. "It's not even worth banging, un."

Kisame didn't hold back his huge smirk, a knowing glint entering his black eyes. "That's what she said."

Tobi's head hit the table with a thud as Hidan hollered a lecherous laugh. Sasori closed his eyes as if the words inflicted him physical pain and asked to Pein, "Can I have another partner?"

"No."

Pein silently took Itachi's design, crumbled it in his fist and added the little ball on his paper mountain. No one made a move to stop the leader and Konan calmly turned to Hidan, ignoring her only living childhood friend's behavior expertly.

"Anyway," Tobi interrupted the awkward silence with a cheer. "It's Tobi's turn! Tobi is a good boy and drew a cool design! Senpai will love it!"

The masked man pushed the paper to the middle of the table, puffing with pride at his crayon drawing. On the paper was a scarecrow with an x for his lone eye, struck with blue crackling lightning. There was a huge hole where his heart should have been, over a fluffy red cape.

Deidara stared at Tobi. Even the low grade crayons did nothing to lower the amount of precise details. "It's actually good," the blond muttered reluctantly.

Tobi beamed with pride and smiled widely under his mask. Kisame raised his brows and Itachi nodded.

"Nice details, Jashin bestowed great skill on you, you little fucker."

Konan stroked Tobi's wild bangs. "It's good but too complicated. We need something simple but meaningful."

"This has a meaning!"

"Not personal, honey." chided Konan, and Tobi's design too, was added to the mountain.

"It's my turn I guess," said Sasori, extending his tail. At the tip of the metal appendage was hanging the picture of a power ranger wearing complicated looking battle armor.

Kakazu's eye twitched once, twice and on the third twitch, a massive fireball engulfed the unacceptably expensive idea. Konan sent a silent thanks to the bounty hunter. Kakazu had saved her the trouble of disposing the stupid thing.

Sasori rolled his eyes. From the start he expected this outcome - the missing Sand ninja just didn't want Konan's anger on himself - and he did not especially care. However, Hidan had other ideas.

"The bloody shit? Kakazu that was fucking brilliant!" Hidan howled, tightening his fingers on the handle of his scythe.

When the chakra in the room got heavy with killing intent, Tobi hurriedly waved his hands in front of the white haired Jashin follower. Hidan's attention turned towards the masked man reluctantly.

In a stage whispering, "Think about the fourth wall Hidan-sempai! Kakazu-sempai did the right thing," Tobi said.

Hidan took a deep breath to curb his instinct to kill and nodded. He, now with a calmer mind, remembered the horrible scenarios Jashin could have punished them with. Still, the power ranger idea was cool and Hidan pouted. He should have come up with that.

While Hidan muttered under his breath, Deidara smugly smirked just like a cat that had just eaten the canary, and presented his humanoid sculpture. If possible, the blond's smirk widened and the clay exploded in an array of bright colors before the criminals could take a good look.

"This is art."

Hidan face palmed.

Tobi slowly raised his hand as if he was in a classroom. "…Uhm Deidara-senpai, if our clothes explode, wouldn't we, uhm, I mean…" He flushed bright red under his mask, stuttering the rest.

"Replacing the uniform every time would strain our budget. No," Kakazu said with finality.

"I won't dangle my private parts," Kisame said and Itachi nodded in agreement.

Deidara snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. "Never heard of being nude for art?"

Sasori opened his mouth but Pein was faster. "No."

Konan just sighed.

(Several stupid ideas and at least 28 fourth walls later.)

"I swear to God-"

"Jashin," Hidan interrupted again.

"If we don't decide something, I'll use you all as art material, un," growled out Deidara, scowling down at the religious man.

Hidan snorted in mock amusement. He recognized a challenge when he saw one. "Fucking try, you blond piece of shit."

The Jashin follower was too smug and sure about his superiority, so couldn't dodge the swipe of Deidara's kunai fast enough. His severed head fell face down on the hard floor with a thud, muffling the man's lashing curses.

Tobi instantly kneeled down the turn the head up. "Deidara- senpai, you shouldn't bully Hidan-sempai."

"Fucking prick! You'll be sacrificed in the name of Jashin, you cock sucking blond. Kakazu! Sew my head back so I can start massacring the blond shit for his fucking art," he snarled, spitting bloody saliva around.

Sasori eyed the window for an escape, but it was too small for him to fit through. "Even with his severed vocal cords, he speaks."

Angry eyes turned towards the Suna ninja. "Lord Jashin's power is almighty! Fucking speaking is nothing for my Lord's colossal powers!"

Kisame snorted loudly. "So it's not because of plot?"

Tobi clasped his hands over his ears in a wail. "Kisame-sempai! Not the fourth wall!"

"Shut the fuck up you blue fish!"

"I'm a shark!"

Pein's fingers twitched, once, twice and the third, a massive wave of killing intent rolled over the squabbling criminals, shutting them up instantly.

"I cleaned this morning," said the Ame ninja calmly. His rinnegan eyes fell over the bloodied floor that he had spent an entire morning scrubbing clean.

Heads were gonna roll.

Again, for Hidan.

Before bloody carnage could begin, Zetsu appeared and absorbed the red liquid like a sponge.

"… well, Zetsu is a plant." commented the shark ninja which led to a discussion about Zetsu's human-plant hybridness.

The orange haired leader prayed to the heavens for guidance. He was so done with every single one of them. The idea of their own boy band –plus Konan of course- logo sounded much better and less troublesome in his head last night, that Pein almost regretted ever suggesting it. Almost.

Pein desperately wanted to return to his room and fall face first on his comfortable bed, whine like a wounded lion cub and stay like that for the next century.

Some divine being took pity on the leader and bestowed his holy power and knowledge on Pein.

Pein's rinnegan eyes glazed over and he fell eerily silent for several awkward minutes. Under the curious stare of a group of criminals, Pein's fingers twitched, thus leading him to draw mechanically while his unseen gaze stared off into the distance.

On the paper had been drawn a long sleeved and high collared, black cloak with simple, fluffy crimson clouds dotting over the dark material.

"It's pretty." Konan spoke up, tracing her fingers over a red cloud while Tobi applauded happily.

"It's fucking good."

Deidara made a face but nodded in agreement. The blond twisted his face as if the positive answer was painful for him to admit.

Sasori shrugged indifferently, which was as much as if a reaction someone could get from the seemingly permanently stoned ninja. Kisame grinned, showing off his sharp teeth.

"Acceptable," admitted Itachi reluctantly. His black eyes glanced quickly at his discarded design but he restrained from retrieving it. Sometimes defeat must be accepted.

After a few mental calculations, Kakazu said, "It won't be too expensive to attain." He was pleased by the cheapness.

Deidara hopefully asked to a still Pein, "Does it bang?"

The question snapped the orange haired leader back to his senses. He stared at the cloak and then at his fingers in confusion, feeling the heavy stares, purple eyes shot around the table his confusion intensifying with every second. Konan glanced up with a smile so wide that her pretty eyes were only slits. A dooming fear ran up of every male in the room and Deidara coughed into his fist.

"As long as it bangs, I'm fine with it, un."

Uchiha Itachi made a faint, pained noise and contemplated if he should accidentally impale himself with the Samehada to get rid of their madness.

Sasori stared at the blond and turned towards Konan. Pein had already made his answer very clear. "Can I have another partner?"

"No."

Tobi scratched his head sheepishly. "Deidara-senpai, Tobi thinks senpai should be more careful with his words."

Deidara looked unimpressed and a tad confused. "Why?"

A tired sigh from the red headed sand ninja was his answer.

Konan clapped her hands to get the rooms attention. "Then it's settled, Pein's design will be the Akatsuki's new 'trademark'."