Author's note: Like most of my stories, this story is centred around Haibara and Conan or in case of this chapter Shiho and Shinichi. In this story the BO had been taken down and the antidote is lost and the two are forced to relive their lives. Hope you enjoy it and please check out my other fanfics,

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Chapter one

Two years. Two summers and two winters. Plenty of death and plenty of suffering, but the pain is not over yet, not for me and definitely not for him. I know what is about to happen, I understand why he is about to do it and I just can't help but hate the fact that I'm the reason behind it.

I could try to stop him, I could stop him, but his eyes are desperate for me not to. He breathes, he breathes again before he starts walking away. He's slower than usual, he shakes as he walks. But he never stops. This is on me; I can't help but feel this is on me.

It's almost like a movie. The sky darkens and the rain hardens. I can't move, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how guilty it makes me feel, this is my pain too. He stops mere steps away from her. They're too far from me to see, the rain is too loud for me to hear, yet somehow I know that this is the memory that will haunt me the rest of my life.

Two minutes. Ten minutes. Thirty minutes. I'm standing here for what I can only guess to be over an hour, I'm wet and I'm cold, but I'm used to that. I've gotten used to the darkness of the night. Yet, the pain I can't seem to get used to, is the one I'm experiencing right now. The pain I caused him, the pain I caused her, it seems endless and so does my suffering.

I can't walk away. I want to, but my legs refuse to give in to my weak will. I close my eyes, I manage that yet in my mind the scene is clearer than ever.

Her voice gets louder.

She gets angrier.

She's crying.

She's desperate.

I don't hear a thing for a while. I open my eyes to see the fate that should have prevailed. I see him holding her close, I see her clinging to him with all her might. I see the beauty that could have been, I see the love that should have lived.

Slowly, so slowly they let go of each other. He starts walking away, desperate not to look back. She stands in place for a while, watching the man she loves be ripped away from her, her radiant smile long gone, her angelic face drowning in pain. I look down at my own hands, another life ruined, another love lost.

The rain doesn't show any signs of letting up, but that seems to be the last of his worries. He leans on the brick wall across from me, he doesn't look at me, he looks to the sky, to the heavens and he smiles. A sad smile, a desperate smile that seems to take up all his energy.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you will have to relive ten years of your life, I'm sorry that you have to endure all the pain caused by me and the organisation, I'm sorry that you can't be Kudo Shinichi again because of my failures," I'm stumbling through my apology, my voice on the verge of fading away, "and I'm sorry, l'm so sorry that you can't be with the only one you truly love, I don't expect you to ever forgive me, I know I will never forgive myself," I can't bring myself to look at him.

I hear him kick off the wall, I hear his steps get louder and louder. I sense his presence closing in on me. He stops a mere step away from me. I can feel his gaze burning its way through me stirring up a wave of guilt and shame inside of me. I feel his hand slowly rising up to my face. He cups my cheek and the warmth of his palms is in complete contrast with the cold air. His hand climbs up and digs itself deep into my hair. Gently, slowly, he lifts my head up. His pain is plain as day, and for the first time he is not putting on a brave face. He is beat and exhausted, but amidst all the suffering, in his eyes there is a hint of the survivor that I have come to love.

"If you're so sorry, pay me back then," his eyes are kind, "if you blame yourself for ruining the next ten years of my life, then promise me that you will stay by my side throughout it all, promise me, that for the next ten years, I will never be alone," I have never heard anything so sincere.

Now I'm crying. I don't care if he sees me, I don't care how weak it makes me seem. All I can manage is a nod, his hand ruffles my hair once before letting go. I manage to pull myself together, barely. I know that no matter how bad I'm hurting, he is hurting more. For once I need to be the strong one. I reach my hand up to his head and pat him in a poor attempt to comfort him. He stares at me with amusement, almost letting out a chuckle. But slowly his smile turns into a frown, his amusement into sadness, it could be the rain, or it could be his tears but the pain in his eyes is undeniable. He places his head against my shoulder and I feel him shaking against me. The sound of muffled crying that I have come to know so well, I hold him close, not willing to let him go. Now and forever willing to share his pain.

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