Guilty

HashtagMC

Main Pairing: Teddy Lupin/James Potter II
Side Pairing: Albus Potter/Scorpius Malfoy (mentioned), Victoire Weasley/Teddy Lupin
Warnings: Cheating, break-up, mentions of sex, not beta-read
Not a warning: Slash / yaoi / boy x boy / homosexual pairings / Don't like? Don't read!
Spoilers: The Deathly Hallows + Epilogue
Word count: 3,898

Disclaimer:

Obviously, I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it. It is the intellectual property of Joanne K. Rowling, and the copyright of her or her publishing company. I own nothing but the plot of this fanfiction and any OCs I might come up with. No money is made with this.

So, I've got this idea of Teddy cheating with James by reading KitKat-Pyrophobia's story Waiting. I wanted to point this out, because although I think that my story is different from their story, I wanted to preempt the otherwise inevitable plagiarism accusations.

This is my first Teddy/James story, and in hindsight (read: after writing it), it seems like cliché crap to me, but I post it anyway. Maybe somebody finds it interesting.

I deliberately kept any direct speech out of this and wrote only indirect speech, combined with only present tense, to try something new. It's my second story to use this stylistic device, but I think, no, had the feeling this suits the story best.

— Hashtag

'Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin! Snogging our Victoire! Our cousin! And I asked Teddy what he was doing—'
'You interrupted them? You are so like Ron—'
'—and he said he had come to see her off! And then he told me to go away! He was snogging her!'

— Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Epilogue

At first, the idea excites James. Oh, how wonderful it would be if Teddy was actually related to them! Teddy is James' best friend, despite the six years age-gap which separates them. James is only thirteen and Teddy is nineteen, but James likes him the best of all his friends, and the feeling is mutual. Thus, it's only natural that he is excited. If Teddy marries Victoire, this certainly means he will visit them even more, right? Because then he'll be related to them.

James illusions are soon destroyed, and Christmas break finds him quite disappointed. Teddy spends more time with them, yes, but Victoire is always there and occupies him. Even if he is there, he's always busy kissing Victoire or whatever couple-ish things they do. He hardly ever has time for James, and even if he has, Victoire forbids him from doing funny things as they used to do, such as putting itching powder into Uncle Ron's socks, or exchanging Uncle George's tea with vodka – after he'd been done choking on it, Uncle George had even laughed with them!

So, by the beginning of his fourth school year, James thinks he doesn't like Victoire any more. She used to be nice, but now, she's stealing his best friend away. James is past the age where he would act childish, and he knows that Teddy loves Victoire very much, but he still thinks he hates her for taking his Teddy-time away. Period.

He mentions it once to his parents – not the hate, but that Victoire is taking Teddy away – but they only look at him strangely, as if he had said something inappropriate. So they are stupid too. Can't they see he needs his best friend? Charming the Daily Prophet so he looks like the Quibbler during Christmas break isn't half as funny without Teddy, and all his pranks feel stupid and useless now. By the end of his fourth year at Hogwarts, even his teachers notice that James has changed. He is always moping, and he hardly pranks anyone or gets into fights anymore. Even as Scorpius Malfoy makes fun of James for sulking, he only smacks him upside the head once instead of insulting the Malfoy family in general, and this Malfoy in particular, as he used to.

During Summer break, James meets a nice Muggle boy in the nearby village, and they soon become friends. Together, they prank the other Muggles instead of James' family, and James finds pranking can be fun even without Teddy. Fine. If Teddy rather spends time with his precious Victoire, well, James obviously doesn't need him.

The friendship with the boy becomes a bit awkward when James mentions that the other guy is pretty. He doesn't mean anything by it, he just noticed the other one's good looks, so what? James doesn't understand why the other boy blushes, or becomes flustered whenever they touch or lay on the grass next to each other, until the day before his departure to Hogwarts. That's when his friend stammering confesses that he's crushing on James.

James can only look dumbstruck – he knows he's attractive, he's already kissed more girls than he can count with his fingers by the age of fourteen, but never before another bloke told him that he's in love with him. Though, as he thinks about it, it makes sense – his friend's flushed face and everything whenever they were close to each other. And, yes, he is undeniably attractive.

They kiss, only once, and James finds he thinks kissing a guy is totally okay. Even better than girls, he thinks. And he definitely likes his friend, in a romantic way he now understands. He's never felt so at ease around anybody who wasn't his family. They can't be together, not really at least, because James is gone all the year, but it's James' first relationship with a guy. When he comes home at Christmas, he sneaks out of the house some days to meet the boy and kiss with him all day. He likes it, but he doesn't tell anyone. He hasn't dated anyone else this year, and he doesn't plan on doing so.

But when he returns at the end of his fifth year, it's over, because his boyfriend can't really stand the long parting any more, and honestly, neither can James. He can't even write his boyfriend letters, because Muggles aren't used to owls dropping letters, and his boyfriend can't write him letters, because Hogwarts doesn't really have a postal address. They decide to call it quits, and they part as friends. They still pull pranks this holiday, but James has to admit, it hurts when he sees the other boy kiss somebody else. None the less, they keep in touch, and will for a long time.

Back at Hogwarts, James dates a boy from Ravenclaw, his second relationship with a boy, and the first serious one, because they get to see each other all year. But they meet and kiss in secret, nothing more than friends to everyone else, because James can't really tell whether he is gay, or bisexual, or whatever label fits him, and does he really want to label himself? Not really, he decides. He enjoys making out with his secret boyfriend, he enjoys spending time with him, just cuddled up at an outlying spot on the school grounds, and his boyfriend loves him equally. But in the end, James' inability to openly be together with his boyfriend is what drives them apart – this time, they part as bitter and disappointed enemies, and it hurts James so much, much more than his first boyfriend.

He tries to date another girl after that, but he finds he doesn't like it any more, if he ever did – maybe, he thinks, he just thought kissing a girl was nice because he had no idea how kissing a boy felt? He is really confused, but by the end of his sixth year, he is pretty sure that he prefers boys over girls, and boys only. And still, he doesn't talk to anyone. Only a handful of people know – his two exes, and a friend of him who walked in once and whom James made swear the Unbreakable Vow never to tell anybody unless James allowed it.

Something is gnawing on him during Summer Break this time – there's a feeling in his stomach and in his chest whenever he sees Victoire and Teddy kissing, but he can't exactly identify it. Or maybe he doesn't want to identify it, afraid of what it might be. He's just still upset that Teddy, in his opinion, abandoned him, that's all. Period. But on his seventeenth birthday, when Teddy sends him a letter – as he does every birthday – in which he mentions he is going to marry Victoire this summer, James finally acknowledges what it is.

It is jealousy in his chest, and love in his stomach. Because he cannot deny that he is, and maybe has been for a while, in love with Teddy. Hopelessly in love, head over heels fallen for his six years senior best friend. His best friend, who is straight as a wand, and who will marry James' cousin this summer. Now if he hated Victoire before, a few years ago, because she took Teddy from him, now he hates her because she takes Teddy from him, in a completely different way.

Soon after his seventeenth birthday, James moves out of his parents' house and gets a job in the Muggle world. Far, far away from Teddy. He's still coming home for Christmas, he's still writing letters to everyone – including his school day boyfriend – but he distances himself from all of them. Now, far away from everyone he knows, he dares to openly date a few guys, but none of his relationships is more than a short fling, none of them lasts long enough to introduce his boyfriends to his parents.

When James turns twenty, it's one of the rare days when he's got Teddy Lupin to himself all day, because Teddy visits him on his birthday. They go out celebratory, and only then James gathers his courage and, in order to get closure, confesses his feelings to Teddy. He doesn't expect the other man to dump his wife or love him back, he just wants him to know. Teddy is shocked, of course, and at first, James thinks it's because he's gay, but as soon as he's regained his composure, Teddy apologises a thousand times and says he's sorry for not noticing, and sorry that he can't return the feeling, and sorry that he hurt James unwittingly and whatnot. It hurts to hear it from Teddy's mouth, even though James already knew it – that Teddy doesn't return his feelings. But it's good to have this load off of his chest.

A year and a few months later, the two of them visit the Burrow at the same time – it's Albus' birthday, and as much as James loves to tease his younger brothers, about his feminine features, about his lack of Quidditch abilities, about the fact he's a Slytherin, about his friendship with Draco Malfoy's brat, he is actually pretty fond of him. When James has got enough of the celebration, he goes outside and finds Teddy leaning against the wall, smoking. James has tried it once or twice, but he's not really a fan of it.

Teddy brings up James' feelings again. James is upset, because he thought they had a silent agreement not to talk about this any more. Angrily, he replies that, yes, he's still feeling this way, and that if Teddy is freaked out by it, he shall leave James alone. It's not James' fault he's madly in love with his former best friend. James chooses the last word deliberately, knowing the word former would hurt Teddy, and judging by Teddy's expression, he succeeds. And immediately feels bad for it and apologises. Darn feelings. He can't even insult Teddy without feeling guilty.

The next moment, however, everything about insults is forgotten, because Teddy presses James against the wall and their lips together, and, fuck, it feels so freaking good. It's better than any inappropriate dream James ever had about Teddy, more than he ever hoped to get from Teddy, but fuck, it's also wrong, because shouldn't it be Victoire Teddy is kissing? When Teddy pulls away after a moment, James can still taste the smoke of the cigarette Teddy has smoked, but not a single trace of alcohol on his lips, so why for Merlin's sake has Teddy done this?

Teddy seems to think the same, because his face is flushed red, and he stutters an incoherent apology and retreats towards the door, quickly promising that it'll never happen again before he slams the door, and avoids James for the rest of the evening.

It does happen again, though.

A few months later, Teddy visits James for the first time since the, ah, incident. None of them mentions it. James has found a new job in the meantime, met with his boyfriend from his fifth year at Hogwarts again and caught up on each other's life, and moved into another apartment, though as messy as his old one. Teddy and James talk about trivialities and gossip and whatnot, avoiding every personal topic, and when the sun sets, James walks Teddy to the door.

Teddy opens his mouth to say goodbye, and James throws all caution to the wind, grabs Teddy's shoulders, and presses his lips on Teddy's open mouth. Teddy freezes at first, but next moment fiercely kisses him back, and lets James press him against the wall next to the already open door. Just as the last time, Teddy leaves without a word as soon as one of them has to pull back to breathe.

As much as James is ashamed of it, they soon form a habit of this. One of them would send the other one a note with a time and date, and they'd meet, make out like no tomorrow, and part again, without a single word spoken during all the time. One day James would push Teddy against the wall, the next day it'd be the other way around. James has no idea where this leaves them – they're obviously not a couple, but he suspects Teddy sees it as sort of friends with benefits. Sometimes, it gets pretty heated, blood pooling in certain areas below the waist, but they always stop it before something happens, and never go farther than kissing and the occasional sneaking a hand below the other's shirt.

And every time, James feels like shit afterwards. He doesn't want to be Teddy's rebound guy, and he certainly doesn't want to be the one with whom Teddy cheats on Victoire, but he's feeling utterly blissful every time, and although he's ashamed of himself, he'll take whatever the other man is willing to give him, and if it means secretly kissing in the restroom of the Leaky Cauldron. Love truly is a cruel thing if it makes him give away his dignity so easy, to a man he once considered his best friend. He wouldn't have thought Teddy would do this. He should be fucking raging and hating Teddy, but he can't.

After eight months, it's enough. The next time they meet, James makes it clear to Teddy that this has to end. Whatever is wrong between Teddy and Victoire, he will no longer be Teddy's substitute satisfaction. Teddy doesn't argue or question James, he just lets his shoulders slump and disappears. As if to mirror James' inner turmoil, a thunderstorm keeps him awake this night.

He doesn't see Teddy during the next year. He carefully times his visits with his family to avoid stumbling upon Teddy, and apparently, Teddy does the same. Whenever he hears or suspects that Teddy is involved in an event or meeting at the Burrow, he comes up with an excuse not to come. He misses Teddy like crazy, and his resolve begins to crumble after maybe two days, so much that he almost sends Teddy a letter, but he doesn't. He won't be Teddy's fuck buddy or whatever they were.

James leaves Britain a week before Christmas. He's going to spend a year in France to distract himself from Teddy and, if possible, forget him. Not that he ever could, but he wants to be able to move on. Now that they were sort of together and sort of broke up, maybe that's enough closure for James to be able to move on.

France is a beautiful country, and James loves travelling through it, studying, and meeting new people. The history of French Wizardry is fascinating, and James learns a lot there. He also meets a huge load of new people, some of which become his friends, and yes, he meets some very attractive guys there. Some of them try to make a move on him, and with some he goes out for a while, but it's the same as always – it doesn't last. By the time he leaves France after a year, adding a travel to the US, he's still stuck with thinking about Teddy. It doesn't change after a year in the United States, and neither after the the year in China. Studying the countries' histories and meeting people keeps him busy and sane, and probably from sliding into depression, but whenever he's alone, Teddy's still the number one topic in his mind.

After a detour to North Africa, James comes home after three and a half year. He lives in Britain for five months without notifying his relatives of his arrival, and tries to get back into his everyday life, finding a new job and flat, before he turns up on the Burrow's doorstep at Christmas. His family welcome him happily after they've heard almost nothing from him for four years – he's sent maybe five letters per year, maximum – and James is more or less happy to be home again, but he can't ignore the butterflies in his stomach when he catches Teddy's look across the room. It's a very familiar look – the kind of awkward glance they shared back when they knew that the knowledge what they did when alone would make everyone in the room faint or throw a tantrum.

James is busy chatting with his family, catching up on what he's missed during his absence, and so he doesn't see Teddy and Victoire quietly leave the room. James learns that Albus brought home a boyfriend – it's Scorpius Malfoy of all people – and insists to give Al 'the talk', as well as threatening Malfoy to take care of his baby brother. He talks a bit about his travels and cheers up a bit when he talks about the countries he's visited. James frowns at questions regarding his lack of girlfriends over the years, and vaguely replies that he's been with more people than the rest of his family combined but hasn't found the right one yet, deliberately choosing the neutral word 'people'.

Just when James is running out of interesting stories about his journeys, the door opens, and Teddy and Victoire return – James hasn't even noticed their absence until now. Teddy, looking clearly uncomfortable, clears his throat and says they would like to announce something. James cringes when he hears Uncle Ron ask if Victoire is expecting, but then, Uncle Ron has never been tactful.

The next moment, his jaw falls open and he hears the sharp intake of breath from maybe three dozen people, because Victoire has just said that she and Teddy will divorce.

They keep talking, about how they thought they'd be together forever, but it just didn't work the way they thought, and they're sorry to disappoint everybody, and are still going to be friends, but James doesn't really listen, because he's frozen in shock. His only thought is whether or not Victoire has found out – maybe she's walked in on Teddy kissing James' unlucky successor – and he prays to every ancestor he knows that she doesn't know about Teddy and him. Luckily, she doesn't seem to, because she doesn't mention anything, and she isn't as furious as she should be if she found out, but still, James seizes the first opportunity to retreat into the guest room.

The next evening, after a night of tossing and turning and pondering what might or might not have happened, and a day during which everyone mostly kept to theirselves, James knocks on Teddy's door. He's not sure whether or not he's ready to talk to him again, but he thinks he needs to know. So when Teddy opens the door and lets him in, he asks the question. He asks why. When a suspicion comes to his mind, he asks whether Teddy has found someone else, and the expression on Teddy's face indicates that he's right. Therefore, James is taken by surprise when Teddy says that if James was willing to give him a try, he would like to ask James to be with him – for real this time. A relationship. Teddy says he doesn't want to secretly kiss James and send him notes like a lovesick middle-schooler, that he doesn't want to hide his feelings whenever people are around. Teddy says he wants to openly show he is James' and James is his, and James honestly has no idea what to make of this.

Deeply hurt, he asks why he should trust Teddy – who can tell him Teddy isn't just after another few months of excitement? Hurt for his part, Teddy claims that he loves him, but James doesn't believe him. He can see that he hurt Teddy, and all his feelings scream for him to stop hurting Teddy, but for once, he doesn't listen to it. He wants to hurt Teddy, just as he's hurt him. He knows he's happily participated in their secret kissing, but he's still angry at Teddy.

Then Teddy says he's told Victoire everything.

James, mistaking this as a threat, is fuming, and punches Teddy square in the face, satisfied to hear the man yelp in pain. Before James can punch him again, however, Teddy hastily clarifies that he isn't threatening James or blackmailing him. Confused, James stops, gesturing for Teddy to elaborate. And so Teddy explains that he has confessed everything to her, from James' confession to this very day, keeping nothing from her, well aware of the potential consequences. She could have shouted it from the rooftops, although Teddy says he's begged her to keep James' name out of it, but she hasn't. And with a hopeful undertone, Teddy adds that he's done this so he could properly be with James.

James is overwhelmed, and while his instincts tell him to grab Teddy and kiss him, he makes it clear that he needs to think about this. Teddy thanks him for at least considering it, and James leaves.

A few days later – Teddy has been sent outside by Aunt Molly to feed the chicken – James follows Teddy outside. Teddy looks up when he hears him approaching, surprised – and finds himself pressed against the wall, James looking into his eyes and silently asking for (willingly granted) consent before he crashes their lips together for the first time in four years. It's as heated as it used to be, even more if possible, and good god, James thinks, how he's missed this. Within seconds, Teddy's hands are back in James' hair, and James' hands are under Teddy's shirt, both of them filled with the passion and desire they've bottled up during the past years of pining after each other. Just as things threaten to get out of hand – James' hands tugging at the hem of Teddy's shirt, and Teddy's hands on their way to James' belt – they are interrupted by a loud gasp. James and Teddy jump apart, and both their blushes can compete with traffic lights, because standing there is Aunt Molly, arms akimbo, and James wants to dig a hole and die in it when she – totally correctly – concludes that the two of them were the reason why Teddy and Victoire parted. At least, James thinks, she doesn't know about the whole cheating thing.

To avoid further incidents like this, Teddy and James are holding hands as they walk back inside. Their messed hair and flushed faces cause Uncle George to make an inappropriate joke, Uncle Arthur makes it clear that they won't do the deed in his house, and Uncle Ron almost falls backwards out of his chair – from what James has heard, he's done the same when Al told them he's dating Scorpius. Not that anybody cares – Uncle Ron isn't exactly comfortable around gay PDA, but he's not really against it. Of course, some people – like, Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur – are a bit pissed, because they thought Victoire and Teddy were perfect for each other, but nobody outright says that they disapprove of Teddy and James.

Not that Teddy and James give a shit about who approves.